Mud at the Wall

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius  it's a good question.

I have done psychodynamic, attachment-based therapy for a relatively long time and it has given me tools towards self-parenting and compassion. I still feel that there is a lot of work to do in this area though. Whether that is with another therapist or via self-help or both, i'm not sure.

I am keen to give EMDR therapy a go, to address past traumas. It is expensive but i am willing to make the investment in the future possible

I would also like to see a nutritionist to clear up some suspected allergies / intolerances, and perhaps a wholistic therapist to provide some alternative solutions.

I am open to exploring new therapies when I am made aware of them. Ultimately it is up to me practise self-care and compassion but I am very interested in seeking help where possible.

Do you have experience with particular types of therapy?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I did read a lot of books but I'm not sure how to call that kind of "therapy". I visited a therapist on 2019 for a few months. That was CBT based therapy which I think it really worked. I agree 100 % with you regarding the idea of taking responsibility and also seeking help when needed. Looking forward to reading further updates.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius i'm glad you found CBT therapy useful. I think reading lots of books could be considered therapy if you either did the work as set out in the books, or if it was calming and soothing for the soul to read the books and part of a self-care regime.

To answer your question from a couple of posts back, I have discussed with my therapist moving away from 'thinking' based CBT and into more 'feeling' based trauma centred work. We we'll see how future sessions go.

I have past experience with psychodynamic attachment-based therapy which has helped me to process some old traumatic memories but I feel like I have only scratched the surface. I'm hoping that EMDR and IFS may help me and I intend to give them a try, possibly alongside something called 'somatic experiencing' which is based on Peter Levine's work.

In short, I am interested in trauma therapies for now. Gary Van Warmerdam covered this topic last year on episode 66 of 'Awareness and Consciousness' podcast - I highly recommend giving this a listen to anyone who suspects they might have trauma in their background.

[studentofthegame]

I have a period of around 3 months before I move house. The move itself will be challenging but will bring a lot of emotional growth with it. In the mean time I will use the next 3 months to establish as much balance as possible in all areas.

I still believe that one of my biggest battles is in the mornings. My mornings are typically lazy and I don't feel good. I am functioning, going to work each day and seeing my girlfriend, but aside from that I am spending huge amounts of time sat around doing nothing but getting lost on my phone and on youtube. Instead i want to be reading, studying, exercising, playing music and working on myself, all while maintaining balance.

I have mentioned this before in this journal but haven't ever got a consistent grip on a stronger start to the morning. I will look at that again. I am also confident that I am not drinking anywhere near enough water, which was also one of my primary concerns earlier in this journal. 'Back to basics' means specifics like this.

I will review progress in the next week or so.

[studentofthegame]

Two weeks or so in from trying to get a grip on my mornings - it hasn't happened yet. I will keep working on this because I think it is important. I have a daily checklist on my phone home screen and I want to tick as many off as possible every day and I'm sure a good start in the morning is something that will help.

Lots of anxiety over last couple of weeks. Some deep-rooted, childhood fears have been resurfacing. I have started making enquiries about EMDR therapy, though it can be expensive and won't happen for a while. In the mean time I have picked up a book on Kindle about EFT, so I can do some tapping exercises at home and see if that is effective. I am not finding the phone-based CBT therapy useful and there aren't many sessions left anway, so that will soon end. Monitoring my inner talk and being very kind and gentle to myself is important. I am also continuing to listen to the power of now on audiobook and practising mindfulness and presence.

A lot going on. After reading @Gladius recent post about having insights, I've had one myself as I've been writing this post. It has been a long time since I've had an open discussion with my family about how I'm feeling and this may be something that would help.

[Gladius]

That insights list is one of my favourite habits created lately, every word written on it is pure gold.

It's great news you're opening up to your family. Talking as grown ups can be very healthy for everyone. Expect discomfort.

Great job, looking forward to reading how it goes. All the best.

[studentofthegame]

I'm currently working from a daily checklist on my phone of self-care / daily disciplines. I try and get as many done as possible without becoming out of balance and obsessed with it.

I'm feeling better. In addition to sleeping/eating/drinking right, I have learned about and am practising EFT tapping. This is simple to learn and doesn't take long. There is a bit of inner resistance to it initially but it soon passes. I have been going for a daily walk and grattitude journaling in the evening and this is also helping.

There are other disciplines I want to make a regular habit and i'll work on them over the coming days and weeks.

[studentofthegame]

Very slow progress since last update, with a slip back into bad habits and routines.

Each time I slip back, I am at least more aware of the slip, i'm 'watching it' and am learning more and growing in consciousness. I won't allow that to become an excuse or a justification though.

Focus for the coming weeks is getting up on time each morning and starting the day in a more productive manner - aim is to get more done off my daily checklist as noted in previous post, and maintain a balanced day and week.

Meanwhile, CBT therapy ended recently. It didn't click with me, certainly over the phone. I am glad I explored the option though and I will try a different type of therapy next time.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame  Summer is a difficult month to make progress in any area, so maybe it's better to fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride

I also tried online CBT this summer and didn't click either. Do you humbly think you are becoming your own best therapist?

Seems that when there is no progress on the outside, at least there is a good increase on the awareness inside. Good job, buddy.

[studentofthegame]

Bit of progress. I am getting up early and doing some cardio in the gym. I am eating healthily, carrying a bottle of water around with me everywhere for hydration and i am practising presence as much as possible. In the car I am listening to the power of now again which helps me understand what it means to be present.

Anxiety and some other shadows are still present but I am beginning to feel a bit better.

@Gladius Good question. Ultimately yes, I think we are our best therapists and the responsibility for our wellbeing is our own. But it's a journey, and other therapists and modes of therapy may be an important part of that journey. CBT didn't work for me either. I'm hopeful that other types of therapy may be more effective. Thanks mate and hope you are well. Looking forward to an update.

[studentofthegame]

Finding consistency in anything very difficult at the moment. Gym, healthy eating, everything I would like to be consistent with. Not happening at the moment.

Mood is up and down. Still working and saving up to move house and just about functioning. 

On a very basic level, I am struggling to sit and watch a film or read a book without being distracted by my phone. I have no doubt I am addicted to my smart phone. My muscle memory goes through the usual apps and checks several times an hour. It makes me restless and unable to concentrate on anything.

The goal for the next week or two is simply monitoring and noticing where my attention goes. I will try and be present when reading or watching a film / tv without my attention being split between that and my phone. Since i currently spend a lot of time indoors by myself I will have plenty of opportunities to pursue this goal.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Welcome to the club, my friend. As in any addiction, the first step is just admitting it. It's great you're aware of that and you don't rush into quick fixes. I try to spend time off the phone, uninstall those apps, and so on, but I end up backsliding sooner or later. It's way worse than smoking. With your permission, I will say we're together in this one  Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius I think you are right my friend.. and yep, I think it's a common issue. Would be a useful exercise for us to keep track of our progress in these journals.

[studentofthegame]

Been very inconsistent in the last weeks, been functioning ok but not applying myself to my goals. This might partly be because I have experienced some setbacks and have allowed myself to slip back.

Sometimes there is a period where you accept you aren't feeling capable of taking action at the moment and all you can do is endure.. and that is currently where I am.

Basic self care has slipped, late nights, excess alcohol use, and other bad habits. Burning candle at both ends. So as usual the first place to start is with basic self-care, and re-establishing a bit of balance. Too early to start goal setting again and laying out daily disciplines, just balance for now.

[Gladius]

It might seem stupid, but in times like that I imagine a little Donald Trump in my head. The mantra, instead of "America first", it's "me first". Not sure if it helps or makes sense, that's how it is though 

By the way, thanks for the Warmerdam recommendation, I had some valuable insights from that episode.

[studentofthegame]

Feels like i've been on a rollercoaster recently. Started to find balance in terms of eating, good habits, positive mindset, then found myself quickly slipping back into a pretty dark place. 

After conversations with people close to me I have found the inspiration to get going again. I have long felt in my gut that for me at least, a productive morning is the key to a good day so that is what I am focusing on for the coming weeks. Getting up at a set time and getting some exercise either at the gym or by going for a walk outside in nature. No pressure on me to do anything else for now, just getting that right. 

@Gladius Glad you found some Value in the van warmerdam podcasts my friend. I was recently recommended to listen to the Huberman Lab podcast. He is a neuroscientist and the podcast deep dives into lots of important areas of health and wellness with a science based approach. I'm a few episodes in and am learning a lot. I would recommend you give him a listen ?

[Gladius]

It's easy to get carried away these days. It looks like you're doing pretty good though.

I love Huberman already. I'm also listening to Lewis Howes and Jay Shetty, which are in the same page.

Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

Undertaking a new therapy. EMDR. Hoping it isn't too long term, as it is expensive. Goal is to process old traumas and help myself to live in the moment, rather than the past or future. 

The therapist has noticed in early sessions that I occupy my head far too much and I need to move into the body. This makes sense to anyone who's read 'The body keeps the score' or 'the power of now' - although it's good to remember that you don't need to understand this conceptually. You need to feel it, and stop identifying with the mind all the time. What I find helpful is to 'check in' with the gut.

Alongside that, the daily work is to maintain balance in all things, which i believe is one of the keys to life.

 

@Gladius glad you found Huberman useful. I'm still working through his podcasts and making notes of any practical advice that  intuitively makes sense. 

[Gladius]

In the end, it's all about getting out from your own head and living life as it is. As you said once, just listen to your mind and body.

EMDR was quite helpful to me, so good luck with that!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Yes I remember you mentioned EMDR before. I'm glad you found that it helped. I have been exploring and processing old traumas for a number of years now, with different therapies, but i still feel like there is a lot of work to do. Reading 'the body keeps the score' was an education and has led to the EMDR. Ultimately, as we have discussed, the key is to inhabit the body and not to overly identify with the mind. I don't intend to spend decades in therapy. The aim has always been to do the work and then support myself with a balanced lifestyle, time in nature, and listening to the body.

Your latest post on your page has me thinking about starting a new journal myself. That will be an option - this journal was always about experimenting and exploring. Perhaps I will review the whole journal at the end of the year and look at what worked and what was not useful.