Choosing my family or my boyfriend...best path to self-actualization?

[breathe582]

I (19) recently broke up with my boyfriend (23) due to some emotional manipulation and trust issues. I moved out and am currently living in the dorms while paying for 1/2 the rent so he can continue to afford the room we shared.

A couple months later, and now, we are dating again due to some major changes he's made in an effort to "win me back". Now, he's being very emotionally open, encouraging honesty and no tension, and is very physically affectionate where he once wasn't. 

However...my family has never really approved of him. They encouraged me to move out/break up with him when they heard some stories about what was going on. I have only told my mom that I started seeing him again. I believe most of this is stemmed for the worry of me living 3 hours away and them seeing me as easily emotionally manipulated and sensitive. 

I believe he is a huge distraction to me for some isolation and emotional problems that I sought immediate relief of my first week or so of college (this is when we met). The thought of returning to college next semester genuinely terrifies me, as I've been relying on him to be my source of finding friends and having company. If I come back without him, I fear I'll be too scared and emotionally weak to handle being on my own without any company. However, I fear being in this relationship is stunting my growth towards my purpose and self-actualization. 

So now, he's given me a week to make a choice - I can move in with him and his friend next month and live with him throughout the remainder of my college career, resulting in the disapproval and drama from my family. Or, I can break-up with him (he says if I don't move in we can't date anymore due to his inability to afford the town we live in without me), and go home to the summer to spend time with my family, who have low-consciousness tendencies and tend to enhance my socially-isolated habits. 

I have until the end of the week to decide this. I feel I am basically choosing between my boyfriend of 1 year 1/2 and my family. Both have admitted they haven't treated me very well, so I'm not sure what my best options are from here. Any thoughts on this would be great...I've been riddled with fear and conflicting thoughts for months on this issue. 

[legendary]

9 hours ago, breathe582 said:

I've been relying on him to be my source of finding friends and having company. If I come back without him, I fear I'll be too scared and emotionally weak to handle being on my own without any company.

This is no excuse. You are familiar with self-actualization practices, so you know that you can improve in this area.

College is supposed to be a place for you to push past your comfort zone and learn and grow. Why would you want to be emotionally dependent on your boyfriend so much? Do you not think that eventually he might end up resenting you if you become more needy? Only then you will be older, but will not have self-actualized or have more experience in life.

9 hours ago, breathe582 said:

I feel I am basically choosing between my boyfriend of 1 year 1/2 and my family. Both have admitted they haven't treated me very well, so I'm not sure what my best options are from here.

IMO, you have falsely convinced yourself that you only have two choices. This is a choice between placating & pleasing your family v/s taking the 'safe route' by staying with your boyfriend. If neither of these are helping you grow and mature as a person, then I think both are bad choices.

It's much better for you to prioritize your needs instead. And whatever that means for you in terms of the decision is up to you to decide.

[Forestluv]

@breathe582 

You’ve been telling us that you’ve been trying to break up with this toxic boyfriend for a while - yet are unable to do so. With each attempt, he tries to win you back and returns to being toxic.

He has told you he will break up with you if you don’t move in with him. I would take him up on his offer. Imo, this is your best shot at successfully breaking up with him. He said he will leave and you have the support of your family. If you move in with him, the dependency will increase, he will have leverage on you and it will be much harder to break up with him.

[ajasatya]

@breathe582 i'm going to be bluntly honest on this one.

break up with him and focus on yourself. become a healthier person and work on your studies. you will find a better partner later.

right now you don't need a partner that's good for you. you don't need your family to be better for you. you have to be a better person to yourself. that's your job and yours only.

work hard, live well.

[Soul-lover 2020]

Breathe 582, I hope he and his friend aren't wanting to sexually take advantage of you.  Many years ago, a former girlfriend of mine and her sister invited me and a friend to stay the night at the very last minute.  The sister was married.  My ex was only 17.  I was 20.  Me and my friend felt uneasy, made our excuses, and left.  We were both Christians, but she later abandoned the faith.

She wasn't a genuine person.  We were spiritually incompatible.

 

    

Edited April 17, 2019 by Soul-lover 2020

[Emerald]

16 hours ago, breathe582 said:

I (19) recently broke up with my boyfriend (23) due to some emotional manipulation and trust issues. I moved out and am currently living in the dorms while paying for 1/2 the rent so he can continue to afford the room we shared.

A couple months later, and now, we are dating again due to some major changes he's made in an effort to "win me back". Now, he's being very emotionally open, encouraging honesty and no tension, and is very physically affectionate where he once wasn't. 

However...my family has never really approved of him. They encouraged me to move out/break up with him when they heard some stories about what was going on. I have only told my mom that I started seeing him again. I believe most of this is stemmed for the worry of me living 3 hours away and them seeing me as easily emotionally manipulated and sensitive. 

I believe he is a huge distraction to me for some isolation and emotional problems that I sought immediate relief of my first week or so of college (this is when we met). The thought of returning to college next semester genuinely terrifies me, as I've been relying on him to be my source of finding friends and having company. If I come back without him, I fear I'll be too scared and emotionally weak to handle being on my own without any company. However, I fear being in this relationship is stunting my growth towards my purpose and self-actualization. 

So now, he's given me a week to make a choice - I can move in with him and his friend next month and live with him throughout the remainder of my college career, resulting in the disapproval and drama from my family. Or, I can break-up with him (he says if I don't move in we can't date anymore due to his inability to afford the town we live in without me), and go home to the summer to spend time with my family, who have low-consciousness tendencies and tend to enhance my socially-isolated habits. 

I have until the end of the week to decide this. I feel I am basically choosing between my boyfriend of 1 year 1/2 and my family. Both have admitted they haven't treated me very well, so I'm not sure what my best options are from here. Any thoughts on this would be great...I've been riddled with fear and conflicting thoughts for months on this issue. 

Choose yourself.

But that guy sounds like bad news to me, especially if he's using the financial situation as leverage. It feels very much like more emotional manipulation. My recommendation is to stay away, and DEFINITELY don't move in with him. He'll have control over you in way he never has before, if you do that. 

You'd be doing yourself a favor to break it off. 

It's not what you want to hear, but there are some serious red flags here. 

 

[Marinus]

I also had a toxic relationship. Over time you will be used to being single and you will discover your independent power. 

[JohnnyBravo]

This guy is a loser.

He has changed for you seemingly and you believe him?

In 2 months youll be getting abused again.

Dump him go no contact and move on.

Yes big big big fucking red flags screaming here.

Stop giving other people so many chances.

Start respecting yourself and your sense of sanity.

If you dont he will manipulate and exploit and abuse you like worse than before.