Trip Report: My First Psychedelic Trip - Seeing The Tail of the Ox

[kieranperez]

Trip date: 3/29/19

Substance: 105 mg LSD (1 tab)

Time of ingestion: 10:20 AM

Location: Golden Gate Park, Lindley Meadow

Duration: roughly 6 hours on an empty stomach

I’m going to start by saying this...

This was both the best day of my life and also being one of the most difficult. Fortunately, that was expected as a possibility... sort of.

I want to note that I don’t advocate the setting and circumstances I was in to anyone else. This setting for this trip was what it was due to my current living situation and life circumstances. 

I went into this trip pretty nervous. However, after a call from a great friend (that I made on this forum), I felt a lot more relaxed. By the time I took the tab I let go of my expectations and intent for some super deep metaphysical trip. I actually went in wanting to have a very pleasant “ego-trip” and just go around Golden Gate Park and have a great time... Surprisingy, the opposite happened. 

I took an Uber down to Golden Gate Park near Polo Field, took the tab and then began walking around. Being that this was my first psychedelic trip and I personally have a notoriously low tolerance for pretty much everything (I’ve had a pretty solid Kundalini awakening and 3rd eye opening off 1 hit of a THC vape pen - don’t ask me how. I don’t know) I was definitely in that mindset of ‘waiting for something to happen’. It was a beautiful day, sun was finally out after weeks of rain and I found a log to sit by. I placed my bag down 

At about the 30 min mark I started noticing my natural curiosity was starting to come more online. I remember looking at the trees across from me in the distance and just looking at them. I noticed I became more curious each passing moment to the point of laughter. ‘Why this laughter?’ I wondered. Well, because I was become more authentic. My filter that keeps my natural curiosity down and depressed was starting to melt away. I then remember saying (and this became a phrase I continued to utter through the duration of the trip), “It’s just an amplification of what’s already so.” As soon as I said that, everything started to take off from there. This was the start of a massive buildup (for me relative to my ordinary consciousness and all other “glimpses”). 

As this trip progressed in the early stages I became so authentic and free from my normal character that I’m used to living in I felt like I imagine a lot of gay people do when they finally own their sexuality and live it. It was pure freedom. I honesty can say I’ve never had a more honest and authentic experience of what was truly so for me in my entire life. I realized that what honesty is is simply reporting what already so and authenticity is expressing what’s truly so. In order to truly own authenticity though, you have to know what it is that’s being repressed and also have overcome the massive filter I constantly have on... and that’s no simple matter. It took a whole tab of LSD to melt that filter to get out of jail. It was a feeling of “finally! You’re finally being real! You’re finally telling the truth! There you are!” I realized that one of the biggest obstacles towards true authenticity is fear. Simply fear. Fear of being disloyal to the facade because that facade was necessary and also has a lot of memories you are attached to... however... they’re not true and in order to be free you have to shed that armor and be vulnerable. It’s fear of being judged by others. I was looking at other people like a total spastic goofball but didn’t have an ounce of fear because what I was experiencing was what was true and that I could now love myself. I realized that you can only love when you truly accept and live what’s true. 

As my experience became more deeply authentic, I noticed found I was finding myself more and more in bi-lateral symmetry, something Martin Ball is known for truly emphasizing as a rule of thumb when taking entheogens (psychedelics) and embodying the nondual energy. I found that I literally couldn’t “violate” this symmetry so long as I wanted to stay authentic as I noticed that when I entered a-symmetries I wouldn’t enter into a dualistic point of view of subject-object relationship. When I broke bi-lateral symmetry, duality no longer was a concept, it became an inauthentic experience. I noticed the difference in the quality and state of mind between staying in bi-lateral symmetry as opposed to going into a-symmetry so I continued to sit down and stay in bi-lateral symmetry. The longer I stayed in bi-lateral symmetry the more I noticed a process of breaking down this “inauthentic energy” I was finding in my (subtle) body... checkout Martin Ball’s video on YouTube “Fractal Energetic Yoga” to know what I’m talking about and to see a little bit of what I was doing (whoever came up with that title needs to go into marketing). 

At the peak of purging my authenticity I started noticing something rather odd... the feminine in me came up. This promiscuous feminine aspect of my self cane up and boy did it come out. It wasn’t like some repressed gay side cams out but I feel flourishing of feminine side came out. It was such a release. I had both no idea that was there in yet at the same time it felt like something I was waiting to burst out all along. It was just some feminine aspect of my self it had a whole feminine sexuality to it too. At one point I just blurted out “God is soooooo sexy!” Lol

After a plentiful amount of time processing and shedding my inauthentic character, I suddenly reached this weird and then staggering realization while laying on the ground... “it’s Infinite... it’s Infinite... I’M Infinite!” Tears came out. Tears of Love. Tears of Truth. Tears of fear. Tears. This realization was impersonal, personal, and transpersonal all that same time. It was a conflict because all 3 of those felt equally true at different moments. I started to truly realize what the word “yoga” or “union” really meant. It was hilarious. My mind was not dissolved at all though which, looking book 3+ weeks now, is kinda blizzare... at least to me. Rather, my conceptual mind was starting to became a visual interpreter for every realization even though these realizations were totally beyond the domain of mind. I started realizing the nature of perspective. I started to realize I was the cause of all the evil in the world, all the beauty in the world, the infinite creative potential of God. I realize the vital role of creation. I started to see that duality is the design and that it’s a necessary feature such that the results we have in this relative world are all necessary towards the next creation. I started to realize just the “out of control” function of cosmic creation moment-moment to the point I was both laughing with bliss and also felt my mind was going to explode because of the magnitude.I realize my Top (7) Values:

1. Truth/Wisdom
2. Love
3. Consciousness
4. Creativity
5. Learning/Knowledge/Understanding
6. Authenticity
7. Beauty

As these insights started to slow down I became much quieter to the point where I was totally still. I was started to reach the beginning of the come down and I was taking in what I had just realized. It dawned on me the responsibility that comes with the realizations I just had. Responsibility with a capital “R”. Not as a moral responsibility laid down my ego or some “other” but rather what it means and entails to truly live at the highest alititude of consciousness and what the required in terms of living in Truth, making life choices based off of the Truth, etc. I realized deep down I can’t just reject the world of form if I’m going to eventually live from the highest place of Truth and highest state of Consciousness. To deny the world is to deny myself because I literally am the world and everybody else. To deny Love of others is to deny Love of myself and to do so would be a lie and would be creating a shadow and would mean living in falsehood. I realized why sages do what they do and why they feel they “have to.” It’s not becaue they have some egotistical moral obligation. It’s out of Love of Truth and ironically, out of self-acceptance. Their identity is so cosmic that helping society and the world is no different than helping themselves. Feeding a starving boy in a sense feels the same as feeding themselves if they were starving. To not do so would be hurting themselves. I sat there stunned honestly nervous and asking funnily “Can I do this?” And then I remember a quote from Ralston when @Leo Gura asked him about the possibility of enlightenment, “who else could do it?”

At that point I got up and started walking only to then realize that my phone was dead. I still was nowhere near sober but I was starting to really come down. This brought slight anxiety but nothing big. I decided it was best to find a coffee shop with an outlet where I could charge my phone. As I walked though, the more I felt other people. I felt all the staring from other people. I felt the hostile energy of cars racing and honking. I could feel the hate of so many other people. I started becoming ever increasingly self-conscious of how weird I probably seemed. As the LSD came down, the more I noticed how much I taint and ruin everything. I was aware of the more I felt worse, the more I projected onto other people. I felt like I was going crazy and going schizophrenic. I felt shame every time someone looked at me. I knew what was going on and that I was projecting and I was realizing that this is what a shadow is as it was happening. Though I knew what was happening I struggled keeping it together. I eventually found my way into a coffee shop which by that point I felt like I was truly losing my mind and to cap it off, the shop was full and no outlets were to be found. The emotional energy of everybody was so overwhelming I just kept projecting it out (internally - didn’t say anything). More frustration amounted. I just wanted to go home and call someone but couldn’t. I was trying to comfort myself but it was so hard. I realized just how much I ruin everything for myself. The hard part was that my mind was just getting more and more amplified the more the LSD wore off to a shocking degree. The distortion of thought was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I began walking for the next 4ish miles to the next coffee shop I thought of. It was rough. I was trying so hard to console myself without shitting on myself. The sad part was, this was what I was already doing inside of me. I just was never aware of it. I would have my hands on my knees I was feeling so overwhelmed exhausted by mind. I decided to keep trudging and stop feeling sorry for myself. I realized that this was par for the course and that yes, this wasn’t ideal. This is what I do but goddamnit I’m going to be fine. I can keep going. I even laughed a little bit about how distorted this same trip I got a taste of God as a bad trip. The more I kept going, the more I calmed down. I sat down, bought a sandwich, charged my phone, gave another friend on here a call and started feeling better. 

I learned a lot this trip. This was a truly full spectrum trip in every sense for me. I’m very happy I did a lot of listening and homework before ever doing psychedelics because having that frame alone for what was happening when it went South really was a big help in ways I can’t even put into words. Having in back of my mind that this was all perfectly normal really was the safety banklet I used to allow me to console myself that this was okay and I would be totally fine. 

I remember Leo said in the 10 Ox-Herding Pictures video when you first get a glimpse of the ox there’s thought of “we’re going to need a bigger boat...” And man is that fucking true. I realize a big part of that “bigger boat” for me is self-esteem and self-acceptance and development of my ego. My ego is fragile that I could see that the main reason my trip went south is because my ego is frail and fragile, as ironic as that might sound for so many people. Leo once used a lightbulb analogy that I think suits this experience well where it’s like you’re a puny little bulb being plugged into this ginormous high voltage wall socket and the moment you’re put in you burst. How true. I hate, deny, and am so ashamed of  myself so much that my puny ego can’t actually tolerate and handle that amount of Love and Truth that I as God am.

This has been a long post so I’ll wrap it up here. Thank you to @Robby for the pre-trip call, thank you @Sahil Pandit for being available to talk to as I came down, and thank you Leo. Thank you for everything. You’ve helped me find what I truly want out of life and show me a path of who I can truly be, avenues of potential I didn’t think were humanly possible, and showing me a path to find who I’ve always been. You can’t put a price on that. I don’t know you but I hope one day I get the opportunity in my life purpose to give you credit. And thanks to those of you on this forum who are genuine and have shared kind words of support in my past posts. 

To seekers: God is real... Trust me... I used to be a huge Marilyn Manson and Sam Harris fanatic LOL. 

As far as right now I am back in my ordinary ego. I’m about to embark in less than a month on a 4 month hardcore sales gig where I can earn up to $60k this summer which I’m currently preparing for. I’m currently doing self-esteem sentence completion work but still don’t feel any real difference despite having finished this first week of daily sentence completions. Self-esteem is hands down my biggest obstacle right now. My confidence, integrity, self-accepetance, work ethic is still extremely low. Still screw ups and mix ups in my day still set me off on huge emotional rampages internally where I tear myself apart and lose all hope. I’m trying hard to cultivate hope. I hope after this 4 month gig I will have enough money to not only move out for this first time (which is terrifying enough for me as it is) but can then go to some workshops and seminars to really work on building my self-esteem, get clearer on my life purpose, and also go to a full workshop with Ralston in the Fall. Despite all the inner turmoil, the faith is still there. I’m still here and I’m still standing. Thank God ❤️

 

Edited April 16, 2019 by kieranperez

[Forestluv]

@kieranperez Beautiful ♥️ ? 

[kieranperez]

@Serotoninluv thanks man ❤️

[zambize]

Glad the trip all worked out

[purerogue]

I am actually happy that you finally saw more positive side of you. 

[kieranperez]

22 minutes ago, purerogue said:

I am actually happy that you finally saw more positive side of you. 

Thanks!

52 minutes ago, zambize said:

Glad the trip all worked out

Glad it did too (sort of Lol)

[Nahm]

@kieranperez Big props! I know you been puttin the work in man. Really happy for you! ??. Movin out will be great. It’ll all work out. 

[kieranperez]

4 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@kieranperez Big props! I know you been puttin the work in man. Really happy for you! ??. Movin out will be great. It’ll all work out. 

Thanks man ❤️

[Leo Gura]

[herghly]

You are doing the real work!

After you move out you will grow faster

[kieranperez]

21 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The first thing I thought of...

[kieranperez]

19 minutes ago, herghly said:

You are doing the real work!

After you move out you will grow faster

Thanks man. 

Trying to reassure myself of that. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself. It’ll be a good opportunity to move out, live on my own (wherever that is... still need to work on that lol), etc. 

I do want to invest in one consciousness workshop or sometbing where I can encounter in person a modern sage/mystic/master. Ralston really inspires me beyond the domain of just enlightenment and I’ve reached out to him before so I really want to make that my first sort of intro, study under him, ask questions, and of course, get what I am. 

The rest I’d want to invest into something that can help clarify more and more my into becoming more clear on my life purpose as it’s still incredibly vague. Values strengths are pretty solid and clear but the impact is still vague. I also want to learn more practical stuff like money management and stuff and lastly... ego development. I really do have a weak ego and I know that’s something that I need to work on. I personally don’t have much interest in pickup and stuff. This acid trip kinda wiped most of the last remnants of that cold autistic way of relating to people. I really want to fully go through Green now and finally starting working towards Yellow. 

With all that said there is fear. Like I said, my self-esteem from integrity, to discipline, to self-acceptance, to self-love, self-trust, responsibility, etc. is truly my weakest point right now. I really am afraid of failing (that’s a whole hornets nest of what I mean by that) so this will be a process for sure. It’s in solving and conquering that alone though that I think will be a huge boost to my self-esteem. 

 

[JohnnyBravo]

@kieranperez

That was inspiring to read. Thankyou for sharing this

[kieranperez]

2 minutes ago, JohnnyBravo said:

@kieranperez

That was inspiring to read. Thankyou for sharing this

No problem man!

[d0ornokey]

Amazing and inspiring and hope to see more posts like this in the future. I will do my best also to report what I've learnt and gained too

It inspires me so I'm sure it inspires others 

[Consilience]

This is awesome man... makes me really happy to hear.

I hope you can make it to one of Ralston’s fall workshops, Im going to one as well. It would be goat to meet in person. 

[moon777light]

this is so beautiful holy crap dude

And to have such a mind blowing experience on your first try!

Congratulations :))

[Aeris]

Marilyn manson in enlightened though.

very enlightened, I mean, he is probably more a master than everyone on this forum.

I suppose even that Marilyn manson is above coral stage, he is very Teal in his own way.

 

nice well done, psychedelic are work out, not a swimming pool day

any insights on your lesbian adhd energy ? you're still adhd ? 

Edited April 16, 2019 by Aeris

[now is forever]

@kieranperez super happy for you! don’t know what to say, tears in my eyes! if you can handle a boat you can handle everything you know? 

there is nothing much more close to deliver yourself to fate than sailing, except for lsd, maybe. just imagine how beautiful the stars will be! trusting in yourself i hope the sea will give you that! 

[kieranperez]

@d0ornokey @now is forever @moon777light @Consilience Thanks!!

1 hour ago, Aeris said:

Marilyn manson in enlightened though.

very enlightened, I mean, he is probably more a master than everyone on this forum.

I suppose even that Marilyn manson is above coral stage, he is very Teal in his own way.

any insights on your lesbian adhd energy ? you're still adhd ? 

?????