How to allow emotions?

[FunBun]

For the better part of my life I have drowned myself in computer games. Not only was I addicted, it also made me rage when things didn't go my way. I never thought more of it than just that was something I did when gaming. Recently, however, I found out that this is exactly what I am doing all the time: Not accepting what is, but demanding things to be the way I think they should be in my head. Then there are huge amounts of 'shoulds' I allowed in my life subconsciously. I realise now this has made me bitter, rigid and egotistical. Just by being aware of this, my fears got a lot bigger (because again, I approach my insights with rigidness, shoulds, etc). I feel so attached to them and at the same time detached from life. I can't remember what it is to feel happiness, love, joy in a natural way. I'm afraid of bonding with other people because all I ever do is creating egotistical bonds where I play the victim and am looking for validation and acceptance from others. In my love life I have also been egotistical, trying to please the better half in a very neurotic way, but also feeling bad about how I feel I underperform sexually.

Because of this, I beat myself up and am extremely harsh on myself. I try the remind myself to love myself and do these exercises, but I can't allow myself to accept my feelings of sadness, depression and especially frustration, because I am just so afraid I will start to rage again so I'd rather push it away. I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to lose control over myself anymore. I'm also tired and done with running from them though.

So bascially, how do I allow all my emotions in a healthy way and to not let them define me? ('good' emotions such as happiness, love, joy and 'bad' emotions such as fear, sadness, frustration)

Also, how do I let go of the egotistical me in bonding with other people so I can form positive and lasting relationships?

Edited April 16, 2019 by FunBun

[David Hammond]

@FunBun I have those thoughts but I am not those thoughts. Try that for a while and see how you get on. 

[Leo Gura]

@FunBun Emotions are very tricky. What's required is mindfulness practice over them, and also getting to the bottom of why you feel the need to emote in those ways. See, those emotions are how the ego-self survives. So who you are results in those emotions getting acted out. Changing who you are will change those emotions and vice versa.

Psychedelics are one of the most powerful tools for showing you a way past all that egotistical acting out. See, right now you don't even know what it means to be free of it. So it will be very tricky to stop acting out.

You need to become deeply conscious that you are "doing" emotions as a means of ego survival. The emotions are there to keep the ego intact. The whole process is ruthlessly efficient and very tricky to stop because it is a matter of life and death from your POV.

To change those emotions you will have to REALLY change. To become like a whole new person.

How you define yourself is what then gets emoted. Take a look at how anger, fear, judgment, guilt, jealousy, etc. are serving to maintain your self-definition, your self-image, your persona. How would you have to change your self-image such that your habitual angers, fears, judgments, and guilt no longer needed to arise?

What are all those emotions defending?

This is a big can of worms which will take some serious work to sort out. But it's worth it.

[Brenzo2]

35 minutes ago, FunBun said:

For the better part of my life I have drowned myself in computer games. Not only was I addicted, it also made me rage when things didn't go my way. I never thought more of it than just that was something I did when gaming. Recently, however, I found out that this is exactly what I am doing all the time: Not accepting what is, but demanding things to be the way I think they should be in my head. Then there are huge amounts of 'shoulds' I allowed in my life subconsciously. I realise now this has made me bitter, rigid en egotistical. Just by being aware of this, my fears got a lot bigger (because again, I approach my insights with rigidness, shoulds, etc). I feel so attached to them and at the same time detached from life. I can't remember what it is to feel happiness, love, joy in a natural way. I'm afraid of bonding with other people because all I ever do is creating egotistical bonds where I play the victim and am looking for validation and acceptance from others. In my love life I have also been egotistical, trying to please the better half in a very neurotic way, but also feeling bad about how I feel I underperform sexually.

Because of this, I beat myself up and am extremely harsh on myself. I try the remind myself to love myself and do these exercises, but I can't allow myself to accept my feelings of sadness, depression and especially frustration, because I am just so afraid I will start to rage again so I'd rather push it away. I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to lose control over myself anymore. I'm also tired and done with running from them though.

So bascially, how do I allow all my emotions in a healthy way and to not let them define me? ('good' emotions such as happiness, love, joy and 'bad' emotions such as fear, sadness, frustration)

Also, how do I let go of the egotistical me in bonding with other people so I can form positive and lasting relationships?

A thought now could result in an emotion later, related to that thought. And the timings can be so perfect that it will not even be perceived that is the case. There may just be emotion with no story. 

Anything being projected onto a self image such as emotions, relationships, thoughts, judgements, stories; can effect later emotions and how they are dealt with and interpreted. 

Edited April 15, 2019 by Brenzo2