Ego backlash over the backlash over the backlash...

[EugeneTheSage]

Hey guys and girls!

I am Eugene, and now I am experiencing a big ego backlash. But before I will describe the problem let me introduce myself.

 

I was just a mediocre shy guy, before I've read my first self-help book in my 15. After next year I have overcame computer games, jerking and watching porn, stopped eating sugar, wheat, became a vegetaranian, commited to meditate everyday to the rest of my life. Then I decided to go to the college to the nearby country. In order to do this I extremely pushed up my school marks from the bottom to the ceiling. I've learned polish language and became fluent in it. When I arrived to the college I've immediately enhanced my self-asteem: had a few public speeches in foreign language, started to get good results in school right from the start. I've found a few very good friends, started building muscles. In the middle of the first year I've had a deppression and experienced "no-self" mystical state. Then I've bought into spirituality and started to do self-inquiry. But I was in Poland only for a year - I've dropped the college, because I wanted to be independent from parents and having my own moneys to buy self-help books, courses. Having 17 I've found a job, and advanced a lot in corporate ladder. Now I having a another much more paid job of volounteer in charity foundation. I very like it.

But something awfull happened in the february 2019 

Over the previous 3 month I ate so much pizza, chips, cakes, sweet bars that no other person  could in a year. Sometimes I can spend even 6 hours a day having a sightseen through all kind of the supermarkets and restaurants) Also I started jerking porn. Also I broke the promise to not touch my financial accumulations

Which things could be the cause of those undesirable behaviours:

• It all started when I passed pranayama course. I started to experience high states of love, gratitude. On the work when somebody was hurrying me up, I was very calm to the opposite of anxious me that I used to be before.
• I renewed my self-inquiry practise (that I dropped since the time I've dropped the college, because I was busy to find the job and arrange my finances)
• I started to fast one day per week
• I did Shankha-prakshalana (the cleaning of intestine by salty water (Bon apetit)) - was quite psychologically hard
• Tried to dip in icy water in the middle of the winter. Itensified my contrast shower
• Changed the job and increased my wage up to 30%. Now I can allow myself to buy whatever healthy\organic food that I like (but I feel guilty, because I spend half of my salary on junk food)
  • Also a new job spends only 4-5 hours a day, and I don't know where to get all this time, so I experiencing existential void
• Started to practise strong determination sitting (in order to get rid of addictions). I had a 2-day solo retreat as Leo suggested (sitting for 1hour motionless and mindfull 4 times a day for 2 days). Actually after this my addiction only enhanced (what should be expected)
• I started to meditate minimum 1 session 30 minutes a day, but usually I do 2-3 30min sessions per day. My practise has become deeper after the 2-day retreat.
• Also I abstain myself from the girls, partying, socializing, as Leo told in episode "how to deal with loneliness" - and this highly resonates with me. I also have no person to talk with - all my friend in the sudden went abroad. So I full experiencing the existential void.
• Having lot of Samadhi experiences: sometimes I feeling unity with items while looking at them, no-free-will experience

What are my insights and what I've tried in order to overcome those addictions:

• I try doing it as consciously as I can. I've understood that the only bad thing about this behaviour is that it happens unconsciously. Junk food by itself isn't bad at any level
• I constantly observe my thoughts (mindfullness practise from the Ekhart Tolle "Power of Now")
• I trying to replace those by "positive addictions" such as my 3d-graphic hobby, now I consider to find a girlfriend, otherwise I will not endure the lust. I think I should find a "healthy" distraction, to replace my present thoughts. As though a brain is reflectory organ, I can't just stop him, so I should create a new input to it
  • "Darkness cannot be beaten, it can only dissolve by exposing it to the light"
  • Also I like a Sadhguru words "I wanna you to be constantly focused on something". I also feel that I just should have as much important things in my life to be focused on
• Also I try to not betray and blame myself for those acts of evil
• I watched topics that relate to my situation: "how to deal with loneliness", "how to overcome addiction", "ego backlash", "free will vs determinism" recently, "dark side of meditation", "awareness alone is curative" - that one I use as the excuse to do all that bad stuff ("I will just let myself consciously jerk some porn")
• I've promised to my brother that I won't do this crap for the whole month, otherwise I will pay him a money (now I am in a huge debts). Even when I successfully abstained from it, I felt huge desire for it.
• My job including collecting charity funds in box in crowded places. As I observed the people I've asked the questions:
  • "Why certain people buying certain types of food?"
  • " Why I don't seeing old retired persons standing near the kebab&panini kiosks?"
  • "And why do young people never buy stuff old people are buying?"
  • "Why am I constantly want only few kinds of food: chips, "Napoleon" cake, few sorts of pizza?"
  • "Why I don't even look on some kinds of food in the shop?" for examples some gummy-bears, jelly artificial candies - those don't event exist for me in th shop
  • "Why don't I wanna to try the stuff I've never tried before?" - The reason why is because I was programmed for this food since the childhood

And also few other things I should say about my situation:

• Sometimes I set hard intention to stop ego backlash process. But desires soak in and I can't rid off them. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Feels like it is impossible to deal with that. The higher intentions to execute the best life ever possible arises sponteneously, out of nowhere, as so as nasty desires
• It taught me that failures don't influence my in anyway - I am not the failure, failure is just a thought in my mind. This insight helps me to not give a damn about yourself and after the ego's kick continue to work forward.
• Also I've lost vision for my life. Nothing motivates me anymore. It is boring to review my goal journal - I do it mechanically. I think it is because I don't allow myself to think about anything motivational. I practising thought observation, when I observe the thought - it disappears. The problem is that "good" thoughts disappear quite simply, but those like addictive ones very hard
• Sometimes I even question: "Do I even want to get rid of that? What is the point?"

What is my plan?

• To set my life purpose. I have a few options, but I still doubt (for the las few years)
• Renew my physical exercises, and start building muscles again
• Start to run with a few girls in the morning
• Visit vippassana retreat in May
• Go to the India like Steve Jobs in his 19th (probably), visit some monastery (I hope I will not splash the holy walls with my semen)
• Go to the Inner Engeneering program by Sadhguru, and then be  Isha volounteer for a 3 month (those 2 last points prepared for the extreme case) 

I feel very great now, by writing this topic. Expressing my thoughts on the screen, and exposing my problem to the self-actualizing community makes me feel more powerfull and motivates to overcome this period of my life.

Please guys, tell some insights&experiences in overcoming addiction. I will try to insert them into my picture. I don't just wanna to fix, but to prevent such big backlashes in the future. I very need a fresh look to my problems. I think it is a great springboard to attain even higher self-actualized level than was before the backlash.

The main thing I wanna accomplish is not just stop bingeating and jerking, but totally eliminate the desire! To the point that some guy suggest me 10 delicious pizzas for free and I don't even tempted by them!

Thank you for your response!

Edited April 15, 2019 by EugeneTheSage
See red sentence

[Good-boy]

Enjoy the ego backlash while it lasts. Soon there won't be any ego if you continue to walk on the path. ?

[Gabriel Antonio]

 

1 hour ago, EugeneTheSage said:

I have overcame computer games, jerking and watching porn, stopped eating sugar, wheat, became a vegetaranian, commited to meditate everyday to the rest of my life.

I think you're taking a way too rigid approach to self-development. You should focus on one thing at a time. 

 

1 hour ago, EugeneTheSage said:

Also I've lost vision for my life. Nothing motivates me anymore. It is boring to review my goal journal - I do it mechanically

You might suffer from depresssion. It would be a good idea to check it with a good psychiatrist. 

 

1 hour ago, EugeneTheSage said:

The problem is that "good" thoughts disappear quite simply, but those like addictive ones very hard

Right. It's like a aggitated dog. The more you push it, the more it pushes you back. 

 

1 hour ago, EugeneTheSage said:

Please guys, tell some insights&experiences in overcoming addiction.

The addiction itself is just a symptom. There are underlying causes for it. Such as emotional trauma, lack of affection, etc. 

 

Question: 

Do you have real friendships? Strong bonds are a great way to minimize the damage of backlashes. 

 

[SaltyMeatballs]

I'm experiencing ego backlash as we speak. It feels awful. But I don't know if we can avoid it. It's part of the process and we cant always be progressing forward without regressing. Perhaps others may disagree but I think as long as the ego is alive and not transcended, it will sabotage our progress over and over again, esp if your engaging in spiritual practises which threatens the egos survival. 

[EugeneTheSage]

13 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Question: 

Do you have real friendships? Strong bonds are a great way to minimize the damage of backlashes. 

 

Yeah, I think to find a good friend. Meeting with him would remind me about my path.

[EugeneTheSage]

13 hours ago, Good-boy said:

Enjoy the ego backlash while it lasts. Soon there won't be any ego if you continue to walk on the path. ?

Of course, but it looks like those desires will not pass(