How Can I Overcome Addiction To Social Approval

[DakotaBaba]

How can I overcome my addiction to social approval/ validation and my aversion to rejection, humility, embarrassment, criticism, being hated or disliked etc. . Besides affirmations and exposure therapy . I already say " I'm completely uninfluenced by the good or bad opinions of others " every morning for 5 minutes , and I have a customer service retail job where I face this challenge on a weekly basis and get exposure therapy.

But in the blueprint series addiction video Leo says you need to replace an addiction , not just try to get rid of it , so what are some of the best alternative options for replacing an addiction to social approval/validation.  Also he says in the "How to stop caring what people think of you video" that you have to become grounded in your own values , but how you do that. Is that simply a result of reading your top 10 values every morning for a few months, is that sufficient action to become "grounded" in your values ?

And lastly is it counterproductive to admire my personality strengths and my physical strengths , for example if I'm practicing gratitude and I say im grateful that im tall, have sexy lips, and naturally open-minded , is it "bad" to appreciate these character attributes and physical attribute since I have to judge them as good and judging anything as good or bad tends to backfire eventually. A lot of these concepts like ; all judgments are self-sabotaging, but love and accept yourself, be grateful and positive etc. are kind of confusing to me so just hoping for some any advice and clarification . So in a nutshell im asking.

1.) What should I replace social approval/validation addiction with?

 2.) What is a specific and actionable way I can become grounded in my values?

3.) If judging anything as good or bad is self-sabotaging , is it bad to show gratitude for my current physical and character traits?

Thanks

Edited April 21, 2016 by DirtbagDakota

[Saarah]

@DirtbagDakota 1) I don't know if the social approval thing is an addiction, it's more a result of the way the ego lies to preserve its self-image, if you've watched the How You Lie video, basically you want approval to make yourself feel better about who you are, you can't take it when someone criticises you because this breaks down your self-image and leaves you vulnerable, we all experience this to some degree, what you must practice is an emotionally challenging practice, and that is brutal honesty in day to day life, no fake smiling, people pleasing, you say what's on your mind, if you don't like someone's joke, then don't laugh, you just stare at them blankly... i'd recommend watching the video!

2) You can become grounded in your values by first of all stating them which you already do through affirmations. But then practicing them, whether it's through your work, relationships, hobbies etc. For example, if one of your values was to be grateful for everything, you could start by simply being mindful of everything you do and appreciating the moment, and appreciating people by honouring their time etc.

3) Even though judging things as good or bad is self-sabotaging, it doesn't mean you can't appreciate things, whenever you say something is good or bad, you don't have to instantly think shit I said the wrong thing, I judged, you just have to be mindful of the fact that you judged something, that is oftentimes enough to yield you results. When it comes to appreciating yourself, it's about accepting yourself as you are, therefore you are not saying i'm good, you are saying i'm happy with all that I am, that is accepting reality, if you were judging yourself as good or bad, you'd be saying well this is perfect but this isn't and I need to change that... you're suspending judgement by appreciating who you are right now.

[charlie2dogs]

11 hours ago, DirtbagDakota said:

How can I overcome my addiction to social approval/ validation and my aversion to rejection, humility, embarrassment, criticism, being hated or disliked etc. . Besides affirmations and exposure therapy . I already say " I'm completely uninfluenced by the good or bad opinions of others " every morning for 5 minutes , and I have a customer service retail job where I face this challenge on a weekly basis and get exposure therapy.

But in the blueprint series addiction video Leo says you need to replace an addiction , not just try to get rid of it , so what are some of the best alternative options for replacing an addiction to social approval/validation.  Also he says in the "How to stop caring what people think of you video" that you have to become grounded in your own values , but how you do that. Is that simply a result of reading your top 10 values every morning for a few months, is that sufficient action to become "grounded" in your values ?

And lastly is it counterproductive to admire my personality strengths and my physical strengths , for example if I'm practicing gratitude and I say im grateful that im tall, have sexy lips, and naturally open-minded , is it "bad" to appreciate these character attributes and physical attribute since I have to judge them as good and judging anything as good or bad tends to backfire eventually. A lot of these concepts like ; all judgments are self-sabotaging, but love and accept yourself, be grateful and positive etc. are kind of confusing to me so just hoping for some any advice and clarification . So in a nutshell im asking.

1.) What should I replace social approval/validation addiction with?

 2.) What is a specific and actionable way I can become grounded in my values?

3.) If judging anything as good or bad is self-sabotaging , is it bad to show gratitude for my current physical and character traits?

Thanks

You are struggling with these things because you are functioning as the identity where all these and many more problems await you.  The truth of the matter is, in order to overcomes these and other problems that you have coming at you right now is to function as something other than the identity.  You will never, ever, solve all your problems that are rooted in your consciousness and those that will continue to be rooted there functioning as the identity.  Your only real solution is to become a being of consciousness rather than function as a human identity, whereby consciousness will cleanse itself, then these problems that you have won't be there and you can experience a more liberating way of life.  You have two choices, one continue to function as the identity and deal with the problems until consciousness leaves your body, or become a liberated being from the identity and the problems. 

[DakotaBaba]

 

On 4/21/2016 at 3:29 AM, Saarah said:

@DirtbagDakota 1) I don't know if the social approval thing is an addiction, it's more a result of the way the ego lies to preserve its self-image, if you've watched the How You Lie video, basically you want approval to make yourself feel better about who you are, you can't take it when someone criticises you because this breaks down your self-image and leaves you vulnerable, we all experience this to some degree, what you must practice is an emotionally challenging practice, and that is brutal honesty in day to day life, no fake smiling, people pleasing, you say what's on your mind, if you don't like someone's joke, then don't laugh, you just stare at them blankly... i'd recommend watching the video!

2) You can become grounded in your values by first of all stating them which you already do through affirmations. But then practicing them, whether it's through your work, relationships, hobbies etc. For example, if one of your values was to be grateful for everything, you could start by simply being mindful of everything you do and appreciating the moment, and appreciating people by honouring their time etc.

3) Even though judging things as good or bad is self-sabotaging, it doesn't mean you can't appreciate things, whenever you say something is good or bad, you don't have to instantly think shit I said the wrong thing, I judged, you just have to be mindful of the fact that you judged something, that is oftentimes enough to yield you results. When it comes to appreciating yourself, it's about accepting yourself as you are, therefore you are not saying i'm good, you are saying i'm happy with all that I am, that is accepting reality, if you were judging yourself as good or bad, you'd be saying well this is perfect but this isn't and I need to change that... you're suspending judgement by appreciating who you are right now.

9

Thanks so much I'm gonna watch that how you lie video again,  I watched some of it once but I didn't really pay attention because I didn't realize it was so important and relevant to this people pleasing problem . Thank you for the clarification on the values and judging vs appreciation also. May you be free from pointless craving ,delusion , and hostility  

 

[DakotaBaba]

On 4/21/2016 at 6:40 AM, charlie2dogs said:

You are struggling with these things because you are functioning as the identity where all these and many more problems await you.  The truth of the matter is, in order to overcomes these and other problems that you have coming at you right now is to function as something other than the identity.  You will never, ever, solve all your problems that are rooted in your consciousness and those that will continue to be rooted there functioning as the identity.  Your only real solution is to become a being of consciousness rather than function as a human identity, whereby consciousness will cleanse itself, then these problems that you have won't be there and you can experience a more liberating way of life.  You have two choices, one continue to function as the identity and deal with the problems until consciousness leaves your body, or become a liberated being from the identity and the problems. 

 

 

 

Trust me dud if I had the option to become a being of consciousness rather than function as a human identity, "I" (read "nothing" ) would do it in a heartbeat. I have been meditating for a few years and doing self-inquiry for a few months, Its seems to me that my level of awareness simply is not high enough to break free of the illusion of self and recognize my true nature. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the matrix right now , idk how long and idk if I'll ever get a chance to experience waking up before this human body and brain dies . But in the mean time,  I still have to eat,  sleep , and work in the matrix. 

Edited April 23, 2016 by DirtbagDakota

[charlie2dogs]

7 hours ago, DirtbagDakota said:

Trust me dud if I had the option to become a being of consciousness rather than function as a human identity, "I" (read "nothing" ) would do it in a heartbeat. I have been meditating for a few years and doing self-inquiry for a few months, Its seems to me that my level of awareness simply is not high enough to break free of the illusion of self and recognize my true nature. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the matrix right now , idk how long and idk if I'll ever get a chance to experience waking up before this human body and brain dies . But in the mean time,  I still have to eat,  sleep , and work in the matrix. 

why do you meditate, and how do you function in meditation

[Nameless]

Dont do anything. 

Be yourself, treat your guests to the gifts you have inherited along with the products and service you provide. 

As much as possible observe your reactions and judgments (internal and external)...laugh, cry and be shocked by them - but learn about "you". 

<repeat>

 

[DakotaBaba]

On 4/23/2016 at 5:17 AM, charlie2dogs said:

why do you meditate, and how do you function in meditation

Mindfulness/Awareness (which to me is defined as concentration,clarity, and equanimity) is my number one core value, I meditate to live true to that core value and to reap its benefits. I don't function as well as I used to , my meditation practice had a major setback because I became physically dependant on benzos and alcohol for 3 months and went off cold turkey back in October 2015 . The worst of the withdrawals is over now but I am still not at the same level where I was before.

 I used to hear the roaring silence of the quiet mind in a spontaneous effortless way on a daily basis , that doesn't happen anymore .

 I basically function as a struggling beginner who has clinical depression, almost always feeling tired or sleepy , strong and oftentimes overwhelming emotions (usually sadness) ,  mind chatter is almost always very active,  if it's not active its very sneaky and seductive  , and every time I realise that I have been thinking for the past few minutes and not being mindful I get very agitated , angry, depressed and frustrated . That about sums up my meditation practice at the moment. 

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, DirtbagDakota said:

Mindfulness/Awareness (which to me is defined as concentration,clarity, and equanimity) is my number one core value, I meditate to live true to that core value and to reap its benefits. I don't function as well as I used to , my meditation practice had a major setback because I became physically dependant on benzos and alcohol for 3 months and went off cold turkey back in October 2015 . The worst of the withdrawals is over now but I am still not at the same level where I was before.

 I used to hear the roaring silence of the quiet mind in a spontaneous effortless way on a daily basis , that doesn't happen anymore .

 I basically function as a struggling beginner who has clinical depression, almost always feeling tired or sleepy , strong and oftentimes overwhelming emotions (usually sadness) ,  mind chatter is almost always very active,  if it's not active its very sneaky and seductive  , and every time I realise that I have been thinking for the past few minutes and not being mindful I get very agitated , angry, depressed and frustrated . That about sums up my meditation practice at the moment. 

i want to offer you an idea to consider.  the sole purpose of meditation is to be one with the life source within yourself, nothing more, nothing less.  If your consciousness has begun to awaken, then it is giving you thoughts and ideas out of the norm,  when you take those and contemplate them they expand within your own consciousness and change takes place more and more, so to be still, be quiet within and be one with the life source within yourself is the key to your own liberation, which is what consciousness is or may be seeking at some point.  Your consciousness created the body you now exist in, it became lost in the identity that it thinks it is, for some an awakening begins to happen by the consciousness,  Many become trapped in religious and newage nonsense, this hinders the awakening, if it is possible for you, begin to drop your belief system, examine what you believe and why, and understand that belief is never real, it only creates a prison for your mind. Begin to examine your programing that you have been programed with since birth, these two things are controlling everything that you do, think, feel, say, is it real or just something you have been taught or believe, all you have to do is just drop it, stop believing.  Once thoroughly awakened belief is not an option.  Truth and reality of anything can only be had within consciousness itself when functioning as a being of consciousness, your identity will never experience reality or truth, the identity can only experience programing and belief.

It is not some teaching, theory, or practice, or guru  that consciousness is seeking once awakened, it is seeking liberation from all that it has become entangled with. 

[Jimmylem]

On 21 April 2016 at 2:47 AM, DirtbagDakota said:

How can I overcome my addiction to social approval/ validation and my aversion to rejection, humility, embarrassment, criticism, being hated or disliked etc. . Besides affirmations and exposure therapy . I already say " I'm completely uninfluenced by the good or bad opinions of others "

In our aversion to those feelings you mention, (rejection, humility, embarrassment, criticism, being hated or disliked etc.) we naturally try to 'run away' from them. But what we should try to realise is that these feelings/illusions are in fact the portals to our own freedom and these are the very portals that we need to enter. We should not believe them, but we should not hide from them either. And by not running away from what life throws at us, in every moment, life itself will show us what we need to see through in order to be free. Sticking around as opposed to fleeing becomes an act of love. That doesn't mean you have to be a masochist - quite the reverse is true, as we suffer much more when we give into the ego's chicken-shit avoidance and denial.

Ego is always pushing away or pulling towards, resisting things as they are. But this push/pull reinforces the illusion that we are separate from the world around us and that is what causes us to suffer.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Jimmylem

[Bombardini]

On 2016-04-26 at 1:30 PM, charlie2dogs said:

the sole purpose of meditation is to be one with the life source within yourself, nothing more, nothing less.

In your own experience, is there a 'way of meditating' that takes you to that place of oneness more direct than others? Or do all paths lead to the same destination eventually? I'm currently using the mindfullness technique, just noticing whatever I notice. While I feel that this sometimes relaxes me and creates space between me and my thoughts I've never had the experience of beeing anything other than my body-mind.

 

 

[charlie2dogs]

57 minutes ago, Emilio said:

In your own experience, is there a 'way of meditating' that takes you to that place of oneness more direct than others? Or do all paths lead to the same destination eventually? I'm currently using the mindfullness technique, just noticing whatever I notice. While I feel that this sometimes relaxes me and creates space between me and my thoughts I've never had the experience of beeing anything other than my body-mind.

 

 

Emilio the shortest, most direct way of achieving self realization, which will bring peace, joy, and happiness to your life is this.  Meditation far as i am concerned is outdated, misused, and accomplishes little except for relaxation for the individual.  I learned the hard way on my own about self realization for the most part, so i will give you what worked for me and it will work for you, but it hinges on you.

Instead of practicing meditation, in the beginning, just spend a short period of time 10-20 minutes, being still, being quiet, and in that space connect with your core being, the source of life within yourself.  Experience it, feel it, become one with it as much as possible.  that is all you need to do, nothing more, do this often, dont try to spend hours doing it , that isnt constructive, 10 minutes of oneness with your core being is worth more than hours of meditation practice.  As time passes this will grow on you and you will feel this presence more and more until you will be able to experience that state of being as you live your daily life, be open, to its guidance, knowledge, it has everything you need to achieve liberation.  If i can be of help let me know.

[Bombardini]

40 minutes ago, charlie2dogs said:

Emilio the shortest, most direct way of achieving self realization, which will bring peace, joy, and happiness to your life is this.  Meditation far as i am concerned is outdated, misused, and accomplishes little except for relaxation for the individual.  I learned the hard way on my own about self realization for the most part, so i will give you what worked for me and it will work for you, but it hinges on you.

Instead of practicing meditation, in the beginning, just spend a short period of time 10-20 minutes, being still, being quiet, and in that space connect with your core being, the source of life within yourself.  Experience it, feel it, become one with it as much as possible.  that is all you need to do, nothing more, do this often, dont try to spend hours doing it , that isnt constructive, 10 minutes of oneness with your core being is worth more than hours of meditation practice.  As time passes this will grow on you and you will feel this presence more and more until you will be able to experience that state of being as you live your daily life, be open, to its guidance, knowledge, it has everything you need to achieve liberation.  If i can be of help let me know.

Thank you for your reply!

Without having actually tried it I can imagine what kind of questions a 'sitting' like this would raise in me. Sitting down trying to experience and feel my core beeing. It's somewhat of a seeking, is it not? At first I might just notice body sensations, my mind will probably come in and say "Well you know that's not really you, this person(insert random spiritual teacher) told you so, who is experiencing the sensation?" It seems to me that it would turn out to be (again, without having actually tried it) a continous looking/searching for 'me'. Kind of like an Self-inquiry.

Am I on the right track here or am I overthinking this? I'm going to try it out either way.

 

 

[charlie2dogs]

23 minutes ago, Emilio said:

Thank you for your reply!

Without having actually tried it I can imagine what kind of questions a 'sitting' like this would raise in me. Sitting down trying to experience and feel my core beeing. It's somewhat of a seeking, is it not? At first I might just notice body sensations, my mind will probably come in and say "Well you know that's not really you, this person(insert random spiritual teacher) told you so, who is experiencing the sensation?" It seems to me that it would turn out to be (again, without having actually tried it) a continous looking/searching for 'me'. Kind of like an Self-inquiry.

Am I on the right track here or am I overthinking this? I'm going to try it out either way.

 

 

honestly you are putting too much into this. you are thinking too much, you are putting limitations on this process, its not about seeking its about being, simply experiencing the core of your being, which is the most important thing you will ever do in this lifetime, to begin to apply all that you have learned so far, only takes away from the experience i am trying to show you.   If you can let those things go for a while and just experience your core being without ideas and thoughts, the thoughts will come but you dont have to entertain them, let them pass and stay with the experience of your core being, i hope this helps .

[Bombardini]

@charlie2dogs Ok! Thank you!

[Bombardini]

@brovakhiin Cool! Thank you very much!

[DakotaBaba]

On 4/26/2016 at 4:30 AM, charlie2dogs said:

i want to offer you an idea to consider.  the sole purpose of meditation is to be one with the life source within yourself, nothing more, nothing less.  If your consciousness has begun to awaken, then it is giving you thoughts and ideas out of the norm,  when you take those and contemplate them they expand within your own consciousness and change takes place more and more, so to be still, be quiet within and be one with the life source within yourself is the key to your own liberation, which is what consciousness is or may be seeking at some point.  Your consciousness created the body you now exist in, it became lost in the identity that it thinks it is, for some an awakening begins to happen by the consciousness,  Many become trapped in religious and newage nonsense, this hinders the awakening, if it is possible for you, begin to drop your belief system, examine what you believe and why, and understand that belief is never real, it only creates a prison for your mind. Begin to examine your programing that you have been programed with since birth, these two things are controlling everything that you do, think, feel, say, is it real or just something you have been taught or believe, all you have to do is just drop it, stop believing.  Once thoroughly awakened belief is not an option.  Truth and reality of anything can only be had within consciousness itself when functioning as a being of consciousness, your identity will never experience reality or truth, the identity can only experience programing and belief.

It is not some teaching, theory, or practice, or guru  that consciousness is seeking once awakened, it is seeking liberation from all that it has become entangled with. 

6

Is the examining of thoughts and beliefs really necessary though ?  What if I just ignore the tangled up bundle thoughts,emotions, beliefs etc. and instead just focus on the sense of presence behind my eyes in my head somewhere in the middle, that  feeling of "I am" or awareness . If i just focus my attention on that a few minutes or so everyday can't I just skip all the thinking and theories and shit and just  wait a few months until my attention has naturally become so grounded in that feeling of being , that its more real to me than thoughts or beliefs and im more identified with that sense of presence than I am with my thoughts and emotions and body like I am currently am? 

 

I recently had a breakthrough in my meditation practice because i started watching some videos from some enlightened people( Mooji and Rupert Spira) and they have a effortless approach to meditation that makes it much more simple,direct, and easy for me. Im not sure yet because i just started studying there teachings but I think they both hint at the fact that the first step to become enlightened is to become grounded in your being and focus on the background of stillness in all your experience.  I guess after that you do self inquiry on this sense of "I am" until you realize its just a thought that is also noticed and you are actually not behind your eyes as a separate subject but you are everywhere . Not totally sure about that last step though, but I know for sure they both say the first step is become grounded in the sense of presence and " I am"

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, DakotaBaba said:

Is the examining of thoughts and beliefs really necessary though ?  What if I just ignore the tangled up bundle thoughts,emotions, beliefs etc. and instead just focus on the sense of presence behind my eyes in my head somewhere in the middle, that  feeling of "I am" or awareness . If i just focus my attention on that a few minutes or so everyday can't I just skip all the thinking and theories and shit and just  wait a few months until my attention has naturally become so grounded in that feeling of being , that its more real to me than thoughts or beliefs and im more identified with that sense of presence than I am with my thoughts and emotions and body like I am currently am? 

 

I recently had a breakthrough in my meditation practice because i started watching some videos from some enlightened people( Mooji and Rupert Spira) and they have a effortless approach to meditation that makes it much more simple,direct, and easy for me. Im not sure yet because i just started studying there teachings but I think they both hint at the fact that the first step to become enlightened is to become grounded in your being and focus on the background of stillness in all your experience.  I guess after that you do self inquiry on this sense of "I am" until you realize its just a thought that is also noticed and you are actually not behind your eyes as a separate subject but you are everywhere . Not totally sure about that last step though, but I know for sure they both say the first step is become grounded in the sense of presence and " I am"

this is what i have said over and over and over, experience the source of life within, be that, be still, be quiet, and be one with it, but telling that to most humans doesnt mean much, if you notice in the satsangs with mooji, few get it, they go listen, but when he talks with them they are not grasping the concept.  This is why all these other teachings exist, to eventually lead humans into another state of awareness,

You ask: Is the examining of thoughts and beliefs really necessary though? for most yes it is, it is part of the awakening process for the individual to see what has happened to them, most will never bypass that part of it, in fact i suspect mooji and most all other good teachers went through the same process.  It is good that you can ask this question, it is good that you are at a place where you can ask this question, but can you do it, are you doing it, what has it gotten you thus far, is it only a thought now and a question, can you put it to use.   Most who have become self realized spent many many years in the process seeking something that they didnt even understand, even though some teacher told them about liberation and self realization, it means nothing to the individual seeking until it happens, up until that point, they really dont understand what it is they are seeking, but observing themselves and the world around them, the actions and consequences can provide an incentive to keep moving forward in personal growth.  It can keep the desire alive within the individual and desire is a key factor in waking from the dream.

The real answer is to be still, be quiet, be the consciousness within,  and function from that space of being, and the dream is over, but if you remember what even mooji and other teachers have said, only a handful will achieve this, so for the rest, the teachers put forth the effort to sow seeds in the seekers that might awaken them to the reality of who and what they really are.