Does anyone exist at any level

[Paul92]

I have a 1 hour drive home. 

I'm past trying to put off killing myself. Millions have died before me and millions will die after I have gone. I'm going to die one day anyway, so why not get it over and done with. 

The only thing that would stop me is if people were real on any level. I wish we all had a soul. I wish I believed in Christianity. Life would be worthwhile. 

If we don't exist, I don't see the point. 

You can say what you like about the whole thing, but it absolutely is nihilism. 1000%.

I could be saying this about myself, but screw God. The ego is a sick joke. The world isn't all love and light. It's violent and harsh. 

Why bother with the monkey suit. Why bother. Why create consciousness if it's happy with itself. 

Why does every near death experience talk about people remaining themselves as they pass over? Not returning to nothingness. 

It's all fucked up. 

And basically, if we don't exist, it makes no difference if I slice my arm in 6 pieces tonight. So fuck it. 

 

[Forestluv]

@Paul92

From one perspective, this is an ego that has hit rock bottom and is ready to surrender. Many people on the forum have direct experience with that and can be helpful. Many people on the forum have tried to offer you help with that and would continue to do so if you are open to it.

From another perspective, this is a mind-body that is is telling us it wants to commit physical suicide. In such a case, no one on the forum is professionally trained in suicide prevention and therapy. If you are on the edge of committing physical suicide, it is a very serious issue. Just realize noone here is professionally trained in suicide prevention. I would strongly recommend seeking professional help with someone who is formally trained in this area. 

[Good-boy]

@Paul92 As a person whose live revolves around ego, II totally get your point of view. I feel the same after doing self inquiry sessions as to what's the point of anything and why not end it all. But it's fucking hard to end it all ?

[Paul92]

@Good-boy I used to think it was hard. But I'm not sure it is anymore. It makes no difference. Well in my mind it doesn't anymore. I'd rather have nothing than this hell. Life was wonderful with other people in it. God is a shithouse. The God of Leo's world, that is. Its a sick joke that makes zero sense no matter how much people try and cover it up with a word salad. 

That said, if people like @Serotoninluv have found peace then who am I to critisise or mock. I am genuinely pleased. I mean nobody any ill will. Never have done really. 

I liked being Paul but I can't unsee that perhaps I'm not. Why let me create Paul? Why let me create my loved ones? My friends? The people I love. What make my life worth living. 

I've written out a letter that I will leave. It is addressing the individuals in my life. I'll go out with my ego. I'll go out being Paul, loving his friends, imaginary or not. We all gotta go sometime, why not the NOW. 

[Good-boy]

@Paul92 have you tried 5 Meo dmt?

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Paul92 said:

I've written out a letter that I will leave. It is addressing the individuals in my life. I'll go out with my ego. I'll go out being Paul, loving his friends, imaginary or not. We all gotta go sometime, why not the NOW. 

I'm not sure if this is written in the metaphorical "ego death" sense or the literal physical death. If it is referring to physical death, I encourage you to contact someone specialized in suicide prevention. 

[Paul92]

@Good-boy  No. But I've eaten broccoli and I didn't attain any higher levels of consciousness. Have you?

@Serotoninluv Physical. There's nothing they can do. Forget it.

[zambize]

56 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@Good-boy I used to think it was hard. But I'm not sure it is anymore. It makes no difference. Well in my mind it doesn't anymore. I'd rather have nothing than this hell. Life was wonderful with other people in it. God is a shithouse. The God of Leo's world, that is. Its a sick joke that makes zero sense no matter how much people try and cover it up with a word salad. 

That said, if people like @Serotoninluv have found peace then who am I to critisise or mock. I am genuinely pleased. I mean nobody any ill will. Never have done really. 

I liked being Paul but I can't unsee that perhaps I'm not. Why let me create Paul? Why let me create my loved ones? My friends? The people I love. What make my life worth living. 

I've written out a letter that I will leave. It is addressing the individuals in my life. I'll go out with my ego. I'll go out being Paul, loving his friends, imaginary or not. We all gotta go sometime, why not the NOW. 

Cause your friends will feel pain, I'd suffer greatly if one of my friends committed suicide and so will yours if you do.  You dont have to think they exist or know any conceptual bull shit, if you can suffer, so can other people possibly.  I dont even agree with half the ideas you have, language fucking sucks for describing any of this anyways.  Trust in how you want to live your life, you seem like a nice guy who is just going through some troubled waters, give it a couple weeks of you being you unforgivably and see from there 

Also I definitely feel like I exist on some level, or am etc and suffer from the same solipsism from time to time.  Its completely normal

Edited April 12, 2019 by zambize

[Forestluv]

9 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Serotoninluv Physical. There's nothing they can do. Forget it.

I'm not professionally trained in imminent suicide prevention. I can only encourage you to see a specialist in this area or to speak to someone that may help you. Have you tried calling a hotline? I imagine there are 24hr. hotlines with people trained in this area that can help you.

[Gabriel Antonio]

If you didn't have depression, you wouldn't care so much about that. There's no advice that would solve your problems. You need medical help. 

[Paul92]

Okay, so, suicide went well. Took a shit load of sleeping pills, got really drunk and put a bag over my head and went to sleep. Woke up a few hours later and threw up. 

Brilliant. 

Today I spoke with a friend who is a Christian and she's doing missionary work. She asked me to go to church a few weeks ago and I politely declined. She told me today that she prayed for me to be protected by God and to allow me to see the path to him. She said she prays for me often. 

Now, I'm skeptical. But who knows. Maybe God is real. Maybe we are our souls. 

She says she's going to pray for me and wants me to meet her to discuss God. 

What do you think? 

It's late here in the UK. I always feel better late at night when the day is done and there's no pressures. But the thought of trying to end it again persists. 

I just don't understand how we can abandon that sense of self. That voice in my head is my voice. I know it better than anything. Are we not real? 

[bejapuskas]

@Paul92  Oh yes, go and talk to her. She really wants to help you  I remember a time, when I prayed for someone... I really loved that person. 

Take a break from all these stupid concepts for a while... If something is not helping you, just throw it away. Maybe you should find a different teacher. Leo is heavy on this describing Consciousness, but it causes many people headaches, I remember being in the same stage as you are right now...

 

[Nahm]

@Paul92 Skype with me today. Just as guitarists. Like to show you the Taylor I bought after I beat my depression. It is a beauty. 

[Musica]

@Paul92  I have always think that if I'm in the point of not wanting to live anymore and I won't care about anything, then I would rather just leave everything behind and go live in a nice beach town or another country, where no one would know me and I could just start from nothing. Also you are in a great position now, because when you decide to die then nothing matters anymore, then you give up, and when you give up then nothing can hurt you anymore, nothing can worry you and is exactly in that point where you want to be! Because then you can just let go of everything and just surrender.

Only then you can finally understand that all " your" thoughts, all ideas, illusions, fears, dreams, emotions, beliefs, any single thing that you identify with is pure bullshit and is a creation of your mind, you are not any of that, that was just put in your head by experiences, by your parents, by society, by your culture, by social parameters, by your friends, by the media; etc etc. So you are not that. and then all the shit you supposed to accomplished in life, it does not matter at all anymore, nothing then matters, which is awesome to hit that point , cause only when you free yourself from all that, then you can give up to the image of you and the vision of your future. When nothing matters then you can finally be in peace, because no more pressure, nothing you do or not do will matter. No pressure of how successful you will be or not, not pressure of what you are or what you are not, because then you will just BE and that will be enough. Then you will finally become presence.

People think that by saying, that nothing will matter means that then why to live, whats the point... but when you don't give a fuck of what others think and not even about what you think, then finally you can liberate yourself from your mind, then you can feel emotions but you don't identify, you let them go, you then don't identify with anything your mind says.Try to not judge anything, don't give a value to anything,  just let it be, be neutral, don't let anything affect you, don't follow any thought, you are not your thoughts, you are just presence. In that state all is peaceful and enough.

Edited April 14, 2019 by Musica
misspelling

[Paul92]

@Nahm  Maybe I could later today. I don't have Skype but could set it up I'm sure.

@Musica I see what you're saying. I hit that point the other night. But I don't see it as that liberating. If I don't care about anything, then I don't care about the good things either. Might as well be dead. The thing that stopped me from doing anything before was the thought of hurting my parents. But now I just think, well, that's just how it goes sometimes.

Again, I'll say again. I liked being Paul. And I liked everyone else being everyone else. Without that, there's no joy to be had. I could go around thinking yeh I don't give a fuck. But, seriously, how long can you keep that up for? Constantly trying to just be neutral on everything. To completely detach from everything.

I still believe that we are supposed to have a sense of self. Animals have it. Every sentient being has it.

God I'd love it for us all to be our souls in monkey suits. I really would. I don't hold any ill will over anyone really. I'd grant us all eternal life if I had the power to do so. Spending eternity, in whatever form, with your loved ones... wow.

Who knows what happens when we die. Who knows.

[Nahm]

@Musica Welcome to the forum. You are like a breath of fresh truth. Beautiful writing. 

[Good-boy]

@Paul92 ye. I have tried pills numerous times, it is a pussy method and does not seem to work. Enjoy your new life. ?

[Musica]

@Paul92 What you need to know is that at the opposite, when you experience total presence is when you really can experience real true love for everyone. But I totally understand your point and your vision. Well, Paul I think you should just dare to do something you have always wanted to do, just leave your place some months maybe, go travel or maybe go to a course of something you would like. I mean if you already have decided to die, then dare to do things you didn't dare before, because you have nothing to loose.

  I send you some nice vibes and yeah try to take some time to lay on ur bed with some nice music and just enjoy the presence and to do nothing, with no thoughts, when a thought comes to your mind just ignore it, just let go your thoughts, don't identify and don't follow your thoughts, just observe it without any value. and little by little you will have another vision of things. And believe me I also had a time when I was identifying so deep with my pain and my heart and mind could not take it anymore, and I felt so miserable and empty. I thought my pain was real, I cried and cried for days. But one day I gave up and I could not feel the pain anymore, the pain was still in my mind, but then I was able to let it go, to not identify with it. That just happened suddenly, so if someone would have try to explain me how to do it, I probably would have not grasp it ,with the conscious I was having back then. So I totally can understand you.  I wish you the best Paul, have a nice Sunday and if you keep having those thoughts, to dare to kill yourself, then use that power to be invincible , cause damn, to have the courage to do such a thing , then better have it to do anything else, get power from it!   

@Nahm  Thank you for your nice words, have a nice day.

[Shaun]

3 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Nahm  Maybe I could later today. I don't have Skype but could set it up I'm sure.

@Musica I see what you're saying. I hit that point the other night. But I don't see it as that liberating. If I don't care about anything, then I don't care about the good things either. Might as well be dead. The thing that stopped me from doing anything before was the thought of hurting my parents. But now I just think, well, that's just how it goes sometimes.

Again, I'll say again. I liked being Paul. And I liked everyone else being everyone else. Without that, there's no joy to be had. I could go around thinking yeh I don't give a fuck. But, seriously, how long can you keep that up for? Constantly trying to just be neutral on everything. To completely detach from everything.

I still believe that we are supposed to have a sense of self. Animals have it. Every sentient being has it.

God I'd love it for us all to be our souls in monkey suits. I really would. I don't hold any ill will over anyone really. I'd grant us all eternal life if I had the power to do so. Spending eternity, in whatever form, with your loved ones... wow.

Who knows what happens when we die. Who knows.

A month ago, I was in your position. I watched the what is god video that Leo uploaded and my life fell apart for two months. The best thing I did was cut Leo out of my life totally as his stuff goes completely against living a full life. Your friends and family are just fake cardboard cutouts who don't exist according to him. That is solipsism, and it's madness. Don't buy into that and please don't let this place destroy you. There are some decent people on this forum who can try to help but don't listen to Leo as he seems to me to be completely consumed by the very ego he has been trying for all these years to eradicate. This god stuff seems to be some kind of power trip for him. It is a total miracle that I managed to drag myself out of the hole I was in. It was like I wanted to kill myself so much but that would be no escape from the suffering so I was utterly stuck and terrified. I hope you get through this.

Edited April 14, 2019 by Shaun

[Paul92]

@Shaun glad you managed to get out of it and get back on track. That does give me some hope, but feeling really hopeless. I don't know if I buy the whole nonduality narrative, but I can't discount it, that's the issue. I know that the Self is an illusion though. Either that or we have a soul and our mind is our soul in some way. I just don't know. All I know is, I am fed up of all this.