Depressed boyfriend, we broke up, again..

[melinda123]

I'm 20 years old and I live in Sweden. 

Me and my ''boyfriend'' (he is 23 yeas old) broke last sunday, for the second time, and I have so much thoughts going on.. 

 

Me and this guy started dating for about a year ago now, in May 2018. We started out with meeting and having sex because he told me that he didn't want a relationship because he always fucks it up. He is (or was) a real party-guy and was seen everywhere at the club. I told him that I agreed with him but honestly my goal was to get him as my boyfriend, wish I succeed with in a few moths. In August we said that we were a couple. We did many things together and I got really close with his family. He had just got an apartment that we moved in to together. We talked about the future and he said that I was the first person who made him think about having kids, and he said many times that he wanted to be with me in the future. 

Everything has been really good between us until November/December when he started to get feelings that made him doubt on us, which he didn't talk about with me. 

On New Years Eve we celebrated together and I noticed that he wasn't himself, he seemed sad and down. I tried to make him happy but the more I tried the worse he got and after we had dinner he just got up from the table and left. He said ''I'm sorry, I can't do this'' and just left. I didn't understand and I got so sad. Left on New Years Eve with no explanation at all. 

I went home to my moms house and was all alone the rest off the night, so sad and heartbroken. We had contact for about 3-4 days after that and tried to meet once but it ended up with a break-up. He said it was because he had a bad feeling inside that told him that it wasn't right and he felt pressure on showing feelings and live up to expectations and also that I deserve better. I was sooo sad and cried every day for a month. The first days after the break-up I texted him (I know that was stupid and meaningless) and told him him much I wanted to be with him and so on. But after about one week I realized that it was useless and I stopped texting him and we had no contact at all for about 3 weeks. 

Then one day we met at each other outside the grocery store. I was driving thought in my car so I waved to him and smiled and just drove by. After two minutes he texted me and wrote ''Are you going somewhere?''. I answered and after some texts he wrote that he wanted to meet, and talk. So we did! He wanted to try again because he missed me so much and couldn't stop thinking of me, he said. 

So we started to meet again because that was exactly what I wanted. But we had to take it slowly he said, because he wasn't stabil in his mind and he had been very depressed and he had even met a psychologist once during our break-up. 

Everything was great at the beginning, and for the first time after we got together he told me that he loved me, which he had never told me before. I was so happy and it felt so good. But then after a while the same thing started to happen, but this time he was more open and talked with me about it. We tried to make it work and find ways to fix it but after some weeks he just collapsed. He got deep in to a depression and blamed on the relationship. He think the relationship is the problem because of all the exceptions that he couldn't live up to and that he didn't feel like himself anymore. I did everything I could to help him, I called many numbers to get him a pscycologist but everyone I called was busy and had no time. But about a week ago he met a doctor who gave him antidepressants and he has now been eating those pills for about a week and during this week we have barely talked, he sent me a few text message where we asked me if I was OK and he updated me on what he was doing. Nothing special at all and the conversation died really quick. 

Yesterday he called me and we decided to break up, again. The reason for the brake up is because he felt that he can't get healthy again and at the same time having a relationship that he can't take care of. That decision we took was not what I wanted but I feel that maybe that was what had to happen right now. Our relationship wasn't healthy in the end because of him. 

He said in out last call that I'm a wonderful person and he hates that it had to end up like this. He also told me to get my stuff from his apartment and then leave the key in the mailbox. I asked him if he didn't want to say goodbye in person but he said that he didn't see it as a goodbye and that we probably will meet again some day (at the club or something). I told him that I could never meet him and just be friends, and he agreed and said ''Maybe we can sleep together some day and make no big deal of it? If that would feel OK for you?''. I didn't know what to answer that to be honest. 

Anyway, the same night I went over to his apartment and took all of my stuff and leaved the key to his sister. 

Now I sit here and wish that in some way it will be us again. I believe in us and I still see him in my future. 

What should I do? I'll ignore him because I know writing and calling him won't make any difference. What do you think when you read about the whole situation? What can I do and what is he really thinking/what is his problem? I really, really want to be with him and I don't feel like it's the end yet.. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Depression is a mental illness. It's a very tricky thing, and in most cases, medication IS needed. I'm glad he has sought professional help. 

 

3 hours ago, melinda123 said:

The reason for the brake up is because he felt that he can't get healthy again and at the same time having a relationship that he can't take care of

That's right. When someone starts a treatment for depression, it is not good to be in a relationship. 

 

3 hours ago, melinda123 said:

'Maybe we can sleep together some day and make no big deal of it? If that would feel OK for you?'

That wouldn't work. 

 

3 hours ago, melinda123 said:

What should I do?

Give him plenty of space. He's going through a very hard time.

When he's mentally healthy again, you two can have a relationship together. But not right now, unfortunately. 

Maybe you can meet someone else in meantime. 

[NoSelfSelf]

He said that he didnt want a relationship because he always fucks it up thats a huge red flag from beggining that says abort abort..

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like he is afraid of commitment.

See, a lot of men fear commitment. Men value freedom. Then as they get entangled in a relationship it feels to us like we are losing our freedom and we get doubts. That is very common in men.

It sounds like he is not mature enough to be in the kind of serious intimate relationship you want. Trying to change him will be like pulling teeth and will probably end in disaster in the end.

You need to get better at screening guys. Is the guy aligned with your values and what you want? Trying to tame a player is not going to end well for you.

Look for men who are more emotionally mature. Players are usually not.

[Vingger]

Now go for the smart guy

[melinda123]

Well Yes, he's afraid.. But is the depression because of the relationship? Or is the relationship damaged because of his depression? He has been depressed before, years ago and he has been very afraid to become depressed again, and now that is exactly what happened to him. My curator told me that depression makes people find reasons for the depression so they can feel some relief that they have find what they think their problem is, so they can ''get rid'' of that problem, but then it appears that the reason they thought was for the depression wasn't actually the big problem. 
It appeared for me recently that he's been using drugs now and then, but only when he is with certain friends. I was absolutely not OK with that and when he told me I got very upset. He said that he couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen again, because then I'll just get hurt. 

He is not mature yet, I know. But is there anything I could have done to change it? Didn't put so much energy into having a relationship for example, and just accepting that it was us and not making a big deal with it?

Thank you for your answers. 

[Colin]

One of the unintended consequences of taking drugs occasionally is that they can throw neurotransmitter balance out of whack, and make people feel even worse than they did before taking it.

Here are some articles for educational purposes.


https://bebrainfit.com/increase-dopamine/
 

"Here’s a list of the most common dopamine deficiency symptoms: (2)

lack of motivation

fatigue

apathy

procrastination

inability to feel pleasure

low libido

inability to connect with others

sleep problems

mood swings

hopelessness

memory loss

inability to concentrate

inability to complete tasks

engaging in self-destructive behaviors, especially addictions

Dopamine deficiency can also manifest as certain psychiatric disorders including depression, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, and addictions of all kinds. (3, 4)"

https://bebrainfit.com/natural-antidepressants/

 

[billiesimon]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like he is afraid of commitment.

See, a lot of men fear commitment. Men value freedom. Then as they get entangled in a relationship it feels to us like we are losing our freedom and we get doubts. That is very common in men.

It sounds like he is not mature enough to be in the kind of serious intimate relationship you want. Trying to change him will be like pulling teeth and will probably end in disaster in the end.

You need to get better at screening guys. Is the guy aligned with your values and what you want? Trying to tame a player is not going to end well for you.

Look for men who are more emotionally mature. Players are usually not.

The problem here is that women want men with social status and a player attitude.

You're not going to convince her to look for a stable and emotionally healthy man, she will always want a player and the top status guy (a lot of friends, a lot of girls as fuckbuddies etc). The problem here is not him, but the fact that she only wants the top notch PUA guys.

[melinda123]

18 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

The problem here is that women want men with social status and a player attitude.

You're not going to convince her to look for a stable and emotionally healthy man, she will always want a player and the top status guy (a lot of friends, a lot of girls as fuckbuddies etc). The problem here is not him, but the fact that she only wants the top notch PUA guys.

Both me and my ex have a high social status and many people around us, both women and men. No difficulty for any of us to attract other people to be honest. We have never had problems with jealousy in our relationship, not from any of our sides. A little jealousy has been there but not that we have had any problems with it. 

 

[Colin]

Ah after reading the first post again I see that this is super relevant.


https://bebrainfit.com/winter-blues/

 

"If you live in the northern US, Canada, or Europe, you’re eight times more likely to experience winter blues than those who live in warm and sunny Florida or Mexico. (2)

But surprisingly it can occur anywhere — some people feel blue during the winter in southern California! (3)

Women are two to three times more likely to feel depressed in the winter than men. (4)

If you tend to feel let down after the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year holidays, you may be susceptible to winter blues.

Besides feeling sad, here are some typical symptoms of winter blues: (5)

Your energy is low and you sleep more than usual.

You feel apathetic, unmotivated, and bored.

You are less interested in friends and activities you usually enjoy.

You feel irritable, moody, and your relationships suffer.

You overeat, gain weight, and especially have cravings for carbohydrates."

 

[Forestluv]

It sounds like he has been trying to communicate over and over that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship - that he is more oriented toward casual sexual relationships, while you are oriented toward a more serious committed relationship. He has directly said this and I would trust him that he is telling the truth that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

To me it sounds like you two are just oriented differently and incompatible. Ime, this ends up causing misery for both people. In the past, I’ve found if I care more about their welfare than my desire for a relationship, I will let them go. I’ve been in situations in which I did care for their welfare, yet I had a stronger desire to steer things toward a relationship and it ended up causing more harm than good. I’ve found at times my role is not to be someone’s psychologist or health-care provider and the most loving, compassionate thing I can do is to let them go, because I’m actually causing harm to them by trying to keep them mine. At times, I also want to avoid deep sorrow, yet that is the other side of deep love. Yin and Yang.

When I am the one wanting to get back together, I’ve found it helpful to commit to 30 days of no contact. During this time, I work on myself - personal issues, starting a new hobby, self love etc. If the person has said they want to break up and don’t reach out to me during this time then it’s not meant to be be. After 30 days of no contact, I consider contacting the person if I am ready to do so as a friend - and if I have interest in doing so. It’s hard, yet I’ve found it to be the best move after someone clearly indicates they want to break up with me.

[melinda123]

19 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

It sounds like he has been trying to communicate over and over that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship - that he is more oriented toward casual sexual relationships, while you are oriented toward a more serious committed relationship. He has directly said this and I would trust him that he is telling the truth that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

To me it sounds like you two are just oriented differently and incompatible. Ime, this ends up causing misery for both people. In the past, I’ve found if I care more about their welfare than my desire for a relationship, I will let them go. I’ve been in situations in which I did care for their welfare, yet I had a stronger desire to steer things toward a relationship and it ended up causing more harm than good. I’ve found at times my role is not to be someone’s psychologist or health-care provider and the most loving, compassionate thing I can do us to let them go, because I’m actually causing harm to them by trying to keep them mine. 

When I am the one wanting to get back together, I’ve found it helpful to commit to 30 days of no contact. During this time, I work on myself - personal issues, starting a new hobby, self love etc. If the person has said they want to break up and don’t reach out to me during this time then it’s not meant to be be. After 30 days of no contact, I consider contacting the person if I am ready to do so as a friend - and if I have interest in doing so. It’s hard, yet I’ve found it to be the best move after someone clearly indicates they want to break up with me.

So how do you do if you really want to be with a guy that’s not ready for a relationship? Are you just fine with being together and not focusing on other persons and just on each other or how does it work?? 

[Colin]

Jody, I'm crying again
I'm walking alone on the sand
The sound of the sea, brings you back to me
Oh so clearly
Feels like you're holding my hand

Jody, there's no one to blame
When young hearts get burned by love's flame
The love that we made, was a game that you played
'Til it faded
But I still feel the same

Broken hearts find their way
Back in time, to the scene of the crime
So I'm here once more, where we loved before
And I walk the shore, calling to you

Jody, we happened so fast
Like summer, never thought it would not last
But what can I do, my life's about you
Oh Jody
set me free from the past

The sound of the sea, brings you back to me
Oh so clearly
Oh Jody, come love me Jody, come love me

Oh Jody, come love me Jody, come love me

[Forestluv]

3 hours ago, melinda123 said:

So how do you do if you really want to be with a guy that’s not ready for a relationship? Are you just fine with being together and not focusing on other persons and just on each other or how does it work?? 

Reading through your original post, I get a strong sense he does not want to be in a relationship which is causing him distress. My hunch is that he is not comfortable talking to you about it because you are oriented toward steering things toward a relationship - what he shares will get framed into a relationship - which is not what he wants.  I may be off, that's just my sense. 

I’ve been on both sides of this. I spent years trying to create and maintain a relationship with someone who deep down didn’t want a relationship. I’ve also been on the other side: trying to get out of a relationship kindly, without hurting the other person. I’ve found trying to stay together in these dynamics doesn’t work.

Ime, there is an easy way to find out if this is what’s going on. It sounds like in the past you were the one that put in the effort to rekindle the relationship and get it back on track. Perhaps don’t do that. Go a month without initiating any contact. A month without any efforts to steer things back to a relationship. Allow him to pursue what he wants. Given that time and space, maybe he will discover that deep down he wants a relationship with you. Perhaps he will move in another direction and pursue other interests in life. 

When two people both want to be in a relationship together, it is a very different dynamic than what you describe above. There are still difficulties and things ebb and flow - yet what you describe above sounds very different to me. It sounds like a guy that wants out of a relationship. 

Why be in a relationship in which you need to keep convincing the other person that they should want to be in a relationship with you? I find it much healthier to be in a relationship with someone that naturally wants to be in a relationship with me. 

[Musica]

Hi Melinda,  I think he really likes you, but he is not ready to commit sexually just with you. He likes to party and use drugs. And You both are very young. The only way you could have this man, is by just enjoying the love without any conditions, just love him and let him free. If you have chemistry then enjoy the sex with protection and don't think about the future, loving with attachment  it is not good. Life is simple, let him party, let him be with his friends, and then just enjoy his company without ask anything from him. I know you have the idea in your head of a relationship label, but learn to love with letting go, It is so unconditional and peaceful love. No expectations, no possession, just acceptance. So I advise you to learn to just enjoy his company. No labels,no suffer, no think of the future ( cause even if he would be your bf, he could leave you, or cheat on you, so future is always uncertain.) Life is simple, love too!   Good luck

[melinda123]

Okey, UPDATE; 

HE BLOCKED ME ON SNAPCHAT!?!?! Why?? 

Haven’t contacted him even once since we broke up one week ago and he blockes me? Explain to me please.. 

[Forestluv]

My guess is he wants distance.

[khalifa]

 

@melinda123

9 hours ago, melinda123 said:

Okey, UPDATE; 

HE BLOCKED ME ON SNAPCHAT!?!?! Why?? 

Haven’t contacted him even once since we broke up one week ago and he blockes me? Explain to me please.. 

it's easier to let go when your focus isn't on something that activates the thoughts/memories/feelings of whatever will is brought forth. hence the block, from my experience when i was blocked my SO i was pretty much attached and even after a lot of time passing by, I  could not heal because i kept on focusing on her, what she's doing, where is she etc etc.

But the more you practice to let go instead of bringing it back up, it'll help you get over it. Practice more self love would be more optimal.

Or you could just pursue him until your convinced otherwise or it may work out, it's all on you in the end, What is it that you want to experience?

[melinda123]

2 hours ago, khalifa said:

 

@melinda123

it's easier to let go when your focus isn't on something that activates the thoughts/memories/feelings of whatever will is brought forth. hence the block, from my experience when i was blocked my SO i was pretty much attached and even after a lot of time passing by, I  could not heal because i kept on focusing on her, what she's doing, where is she etc etc.

But the more you practice to let go instead of bringing it back up, it'll help you get over it. Practice more self love would be more optimal.

Or you could just pursue him until your convinced otherwise or it may work out, it's all on you in the end, What is it that you want to experience?

Thank you for a good answer! 

I still want him back abviously so that block was frustrating.. 

I have never done any harm on him except being the absolute best part of myself and that was hard on him because he used to say that I’m so much better than him and deserve so much more. Guess that’s true. 

[melinda123]

Update again: 

OK so my ex texted me tonight. 

It has been 2 weeks since we broke up and tonight he texted me this: 

”Hi, how are you? I’m sorry if I made you upset when I blocked you on snapchat, it was for my own best. No harm meant☺️” 

I haven’t answer him yet and I don’t know if I should? I mean, he didn’t say in the text that he wants me back and that’s what I want. I feel like when he just asks me how I’m doing he just wants to see if I’m still there waiting for him. I want to show him that I am not a toy and that I actually am strong. 

Should I answer him or wait and see if he text me again?