Taking A Hard Look At Myself In The Mirror

[Cuzzo]

I consider myself someone who has made a lot of growth in my life. I've seen the positive results from my self improvement. I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I am well liked for the most part. 

But lately..:I haven't felt to great about myself. I turned 24 a few days ago. And I have come to realize the amount of bridges I've burned in the past few months. 

Ive burned bridges with a good friend of mine after he crossed the line with me. I've burned bridges with a female co worker who I had a bit of a romantic involvement with. And most recently a lady friend of mine wants nothing to do with me. 

Now don't get me wrong, these people have wronged/provoked me in some manner. But I have come to realize how intense my vengeance mindset can be. If I feel wronged, I wouldn't just walk away. I'd have to come back at them in some way. 

My co worker was harassing me a lot. She liked me but didn't want to get serious because she had a boyfriend. And when I dated other people she would start drama with me. I try not to beat myself up over this because she was pushing my limits really badly. But I lost my cool and went off on her ultimately making her quit. I shouldn't have gone about it that way. 

Which makes me realize that I end up burning bridges with way too many women who I'm romantically involved with. It just always seems like we both walk away wanting nothing to do with each other. For so long I've blamed it on women and how they act. How they're irrational and always want to start shit. And this may be true to an extent. But I feel like I end up having a major fallout with most girls who I'm involved with. And this doesn't feel right. 

On top of all that my cat ran off, and I love my cat very much. We have always been close. He ended up showing back up. But I was so hurt by him leaving me that I wrote him off as a mindless animal and acted like I didn't care about him to save myself the hurt. It really upset my mom because she was trying to find him. I was very weak when that happened. 

I've been really trying to improve my life. Especially since the new year started. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I'm even going about it the right way. Clearly in not happy with myself or things in my life despite the improvements I've made and the positive things I've had in life. 

For the first time in awhile, I have been in bed all day. I just feel like a totally piece of shit right now. I have like 2 dates set up later this week and now I don't even feel like going on them. I feel like I'd save these women the energy of dealing with my dumb ass if I just cancelled. 

[Kelley White]

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I consider myself someone who has made a lot of growth in my life. I've seen the positive results from my self improvement. I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I am well liked for the most part. 

Hi @Cuzzo.  So I am hearing you  are making quite a bit of progress; that is really awesome.

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

lately..:I haven't felt to great about myself. I turned 24 a few days ago. And I have come to realize the amount of bridges I've burned in the past few months. 

Okay, so I am curious?  Are most of these bridges toxic people and your observation is you appear to have an inordinate amount of toxic people you are getting rid of as you grow?  

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I have come to realize how intense my vengeance mindset can be. If I feel wronged, I wouldn't just walk away. I'd have to come back at them in some way. 

You felt wronged; you wanted to communicate your feelings is that correct?  I take it they were less than receptive to listening and thus your frustration level built up?  What does "Come back at them someway" mean? 

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

My co worker was harassing me a lot. She liked me but didn't want to get serious because she had a boyfriend. And when I dated other people she would start drama with me. I try not to beat myself up over this because she was pushing my limits really badly. But I lost my cool and went off on her ultimately making her quit. I shouldn't have gone about it that way. 

It sounds to me like she was inappropriate?  Did you experience challenges confronting her initially when you first observed the behavior?   What does "lose your cool" look like?    How can you "make" her quit?  Should, shouldn't, interesting words.... how would you feel without the should or shouldn't of the story?  What if you should have gone about it that way?  Is that possible?  I don't know?  I am asking.

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

Which makes me realize that I end up burning bridges with way too many women who I'm romantically involved with.

What do the women you are selecting to have relationships with all appear to have in common?  What types of traits?  Can you find your personal self defeating patterns?

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

this doesn't feel right. 

I get hung up on the right wrong thing.  You know what I found myself asking me this morning?  Is right or wrong a feeling or a thought construct?  It feels painful?  Frustrating?  What does it really feel like?  What can you change about whom you select that might lead to a happier feeling and fewer bridge burnings in the future?

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

On top of all that my cat ran off, and I love my cat very much. We have always been close. He ended up showing back up. But I was so hurt by him leaving me that I wrote him off as a mindless animal and acted like I didn't care about him to save myself the hurt. It really upset my mom because she was trying to find him. I was very weak when that happened. 

"...Acted like you did not care to save yourself the hurt..."  how did that work out for you?   I'm not being sarcastic but sincerely asking; text has no intonation and I just want to  be clear.   You state you were weak... what did you do that you perceive as weak? 

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I've been really trying to improve my life. Especially since the new year started. But lately, I'm starting to wonder if I'm even going about it the right way. Clearly in not happy with myself or things in my life despite the improvements I've made and the positive things I've had in life. 

For the first time in awhile, I have been in bed all day. I just feel like a totally piece of shit right now.

Is it possible you are depressed?   You can be making positive changes and still suffer from depression.   I also have found its not a linear process.  Some days we do well, some days we seem to take a few steps back.  It sounds to me from what you are saying, you  push forward even though you have setbacks or you wouldn't be experiencing progress?

21 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I feel like I'd save these women the energy of dealing with my dumb ass if I just cancelled. 

Sometimes we can be really unkind to ourselves when we are depressed? What do you think?  If you are generally liked and its been a rough few months is it just possible you are being a tad too tough on yourself?  Again, I don't know, so I am asking.

[Man in the Mirror]

There are many events that happen in life that are out of your control. There are people in your life that you can't control. There is only ONE thing you can control, and that is you. Work on your mind: work on how you respond to these people and events.

When I look at the examples you gave us, the last sentences of each paragraph are very telling:

23 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I'd have to come back at them in some way.

try your best to forget your pride and put down your contempt. don't take things personally. Getting back at somebody won't improve the situation, but it can make it worse. When you get back at someone (vengeance mindset), you may think you're making the situation more fair, but really you are hurting yourself. because that person you just got back at will hate you for it, and her/his hating you is not good for you. therefore, if you get mad at someone and send them all your negative energy, that negative energy will find its way back to you somehow.

23 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I shouldn't have gone about it that way. 

you already know. when you start to feel those negative emotions coming up, take a deep breathe and try to control your emotions. realize that the thoughts you have in your mind aren't necessarily real or true, they are just mental events that may or may not be reality, depending on your action. you say you've been working on self improvement for a while so you probably already know this, just keeping working on it, it takes time and practice.

23 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

And this doesn't feel right. 

maybe it doesnt feel right because in your moment of weakness, you made things worse than they had to be by getting back at them. maybe it doesn't feel right because inside you know you could've done better, or you didn't try your best.

23 hours ago, Cuzzo said:

I was very weak when that happened. 

at least you know. we all feel weak sometimes, that is a reason we learn self improvement, so when we encounter similar situations in the future, we know what we shouldnt do, we know how to be stronger than last time.

and that takes practice. so get out of bed, and go on those dates. face the challenges. get those experiences. you will learn.