A Weird Dichotomy

[onacloudynight]

I'm at this weird dichotomy. I am 21 years old right now and have spent the last 3 years of my life basically going full hermit mode and meditating. Needless to say I became a bit more conscious over the last couple of years. Although I am very grateful for all the consciousness work I have done. I am basically at ground zero with all my lower base needs. I still live with my parents and don't have a good job. I don't even want a job really. I just want to meditate.

It is weird because I feel like I have almost no desire for any of the lower base needs or for anything for that matter. My mind is just blank. Almost like I have a mind of a rock. My mind is pretty much constantly in no-mind, so I am not even thinking about wanting a job and then my parents tell me I need to job. Then I forget that I need a job because my mind has been trained to be completely silent lol. It is very hard to motivate myself, when my mind isn't desiring anything.

Basically if I am being REALLY honest with myself, I just don't want to exist at all. I want to be nothing. A complete void. A complete blank. I don't want to think or do anything at all. I don't want to be alive, not because I am depressed and hate life, simply because it feels right. I want to be dead. I just want to be empty 24/7.

 

Edited April 10, 2019 by onacloudynight

[zeroISinfinity]

Been there done that. Now when meditating make a leap and whatever arises start to accept as creation of that emptiness. 

[Sahil Pandit]

@onacloudynight Well put my guy, BEING over everything, huh?

Perhaps you're the type that needs to go HAM on enlightenment work FIRST and then go into your Life Purpose/Impact afterwards.

If you have the ability to focus directly on meditating a lot right now, i reccomend you do that. But don't half ass it. Really put yourself on the chopping block and come back with insights to share with others. 

[Jkris]

@onacloudynight It's the fault of your parents ? If they don't support your living needs you won't be talking like this ? Isn't it ?

[tecladocasio]

@onacloudynight I bet if they didn't buy you clothes , food , shelter , you would not be like that . That's the basic needs , and they are all fulfilled by them , you are lucky . And that's why you don't feel the need , you don't have it hahah . If they kicked you out of their house , do you think you would '' just meditating , being empty '' . I don't think so , you would have real basic needs to be met now haha. 

[Jkris]

@tecladocasio Attrocities of 90's kids ???

[tecladocasio]

@Jkris I'm like this too hahah . It is a privilege 

[Nahm]

@onacloudynight What’s the problem exactly. Just sit and meditate then. 

[Jkris]

@tecladocasio ???

[onacloudynight]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@onacloudynight What’s the problem exactly. Just sit and meditate then. 

I won't be able too for long. My parents said that if I don't start doing something they are going to kick me out. I guess they aren't content with me doing nothing lol

[Nahm]

@onacloudynight Hard to say. But still, after they ‘kick you out’, just meditate. Still not seeing your problem. 

[onacloudynight]

3 hours ago, Jkris said:

@onacloudynight It's the fault of your parents ? If they don't support your living needs you won't be talking like this ? Isn't it ?

I never said it was my parents fault. I am lucky that they have supported me, but they don't agree with all the meditation that I am doing. They think I need a job more than I need meditation.

[onacloudynight]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@onacloudynight Hard to say. But still, after they ‘kick you out’, just meditate. Still not seeing your problem. 

True. I would be homeless though, but I guess that's no excuse to not continue meditating

 

[Nahm]

1 minute ago, onacloudynight said:

True. I would be homeless though, but I guess that's no excuse to not continue meditating

 

Some people choose to be homeless. It’s really up to you.

[tecladocasio]

@onacloudynight Don't confuse meditation with doing nothing . 

[onacloudynight]

5 minutes ago, tecladocasio said:

@onacloudynight Don't confuse meditation with doing nothing . 

Let me rephrase that. I am not doing nothing. I AM nothing.

Edited April 10, 2019 by onacloudynight

[tecladocasio]

@onacloudynight Have you considered that maybe you are attached with how this nothing feels ? You can meditate while doing things in the real world . The doing nothing technique is a especific type of meditation . You can use others and see many others possibilties that , perhaps , change your mind .

[onacloudynight]

7 minutes ago, tecladocasio said:

@onacloudynight Have you considered that maybe you are attached with how this nothing feels ? You can meditate while doing things in the real world . The doing nothing technique is a especific type of meditation . You can use others and see many others possibilties that , perhaps , change your mind .

You may be right. I think I am attached to the feeling.