Working on self-mastery

[noip]

Late night insomnia. Part of it is racing thoughts. And then, part of it is just pain during the recovery process.

"Today" (in parenthesis because I managed to get into bed at 7 and fell asleep around 8 only to wake up in the "middle of the night" so it feels like "midnight" but it's really still just today. lol. early sleeping problems i guess) I started my "ritualization."

I realized that ritualizing routines, for me, is really about cultivating gratitude. When I take a moment to be grateful about the world around me, I feel a calm wash over me. Time slows down; it's like I'm no longer bombarded with a million things at once with my energy becoming scattered and distracted. 

Instead, I'm suddenly more mindful. I notice tons of details. I am more exacting as well. Like while I was in the kitchen, I folded several stray wash cloths with a neat precision. I straightened a painting I didn't even realize until today was askew. I was gentler with the dishware when washing and scrubbed down several kitchen equipment when I noticed specks of stains and dust I hadn't bothered to see before. I guess I'd say I'm overall more "conscientious."

The thing I really like about "ritualization" is taking the time to pause and "smell the flowers," essentially. Taking the time to care about things that matter because I suppose I've always tended to care a great deal, and I'm starting to think that's me at my best.

Today I took a moment to listen to some jazz music while sipping coffee and staring out the window. I liked watching the steam rise from my coffee cup. This, too, is part of my "ritualization." Usually I'm having coffee while having breakfast while catching up with the news while watching a movie while studying for an exam. Ultimately I do feel as though "savoring the moment" is giving my life more "meaning," and that's making me happier.

Basically, it's all mindfulness. Since I was able to follow my routine smoothly to the end [of the day], I'll keep going with it.

My personal happiness is important to me, because when I'm at my best, I know I can give my best. And I feel like that's all the world wants out of me. 

Edited April 25, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Wow; great video!

Wish I had stumbled upon it much sooner in my life...

Today I've a bit of time to spare, so I've decided to update my blog here. After watching the above video, I thought quite a bit about the framework Leo made about the "rubber hitting the road" and needing to develop a "survival mentality."

I think after experiencing burnout from my career field, I lost that survival mentality. Thinking about it, I'd topped out my classmates throughout undergrads, often setting the curve in the most rigorous courses and developing rapport with reputably "difficult" professors. Right after graduating with honors and leadership distinctions, I finished a master's in a year and went on to a fellowship at a world-renown institution. I wasn't the kind of person who was "okay" with sitting back and letting things "just happen." I needed progress. I needed to achieve things. I needed to know that I was making an impact.

At some point though, I got really burned out. I started hating my career a lot. Nothing could make me happy. I thought of the friends I'd made who trusted me enough to lend me their spare apartment keys and who always wanted me to be an active part of their lives. I thought of the multiple people who stepped up to be my mentors.  I thought of my benefactors who "paid it forward," helping me to get through school and tests financially. I thought of my supportive family who sentimentally wanted to be kept within the crevices of my thoughts as I blazed a trail forward.
But I was deeply unsatisfied with myself and my life. I hated it to be honest. I had this deep desire to get away from it all. I remember sobbing into towels to muffle out my misery. I wanted to give it all up.

I also think the most concerning part of "reality" is how I never seemed to get along with my employers in the real world. It was as if we spoke different languages. I'd explain things, and sometimes they'd stare on in confusion as if what i'd said would skip right past them. What's more, perhaps the most frustrating thing were the bridges I burned when it all went to hell and my employers were left pissed. We both felt tricked.
They thought I was capable and brilliant. They also thought I was not at all interested. I always felt that they were too inexperienced to know what they really wanted; too inexperienced to lead someone as lost yet willing as I was--I always felt that my willingness was what made it feel so tragic for me.

Afterwards I was left with this imprint that I didn't quite fit into this world. I felt like this world wasn't one I'd imagined. I also thought my ideas were better than reality, and it sucked that it seemed to skip past everyone.

It's a weird feeling knowing you're "different" and that people can come together with the best intentions and things still don't work out. It's probably one of my biggest fears with regards to work.

Anyway. Enough of that spiel of anxiety and negativity. 

Today was very productive. Once again, I'm able to follow my routines. My routines are very important-- I liken it to stitching a quilt together--It requires time, time to put the pieces together and endure the tenuous process of making stitch after stitch. In the end, the quality is only as good as the quantity.

As for the aforementioned problem, it IS in my future plans to take an interpersonal communications class. I sometimes feel like I don't fit in this world...

Edited April 25, 2019 by noip
omitting more personal details

[noip]

Today was the first day volunteering... It was... Ok.

As usual I enjoyed the work. As usual, people were a thorn at my side. I perpetually look like I'm 20 even though I'm thirty and so when people look at me, they talk to me as if I have this whole life ahead of me still.
Anyway someone wasn't happy with us and tried to report us to our supervisor. Literally, ON DAY ONE. It made no sense at all why she was being so rude; all my trainer and I did was try and get to know each other and train (me). But the entire time this lady was like, "SHHH NO SOCIALIZING GIRLS. NUH-UH, NOT. HERE." I don't think I've ever been spoken to like that since I was a tiny teen. Plus I don't see a "no talking" sign anywhere. She didn't have to be so rude she could have just told us that us talking there was disruptive to her and we'd have left. What a bitch. 
But that wasn't enough. Later she stopped us randomly in the middle of work to ask our supervisor's name to report us.

I'm not 17 anymore. I'm a 30 year old woman for god's sake.

But girl who trained me in talked a lot I admit. Talked so much I ended up overstaying at my shift by an hour. Ack, annoying. Most of the time she didn't understand what I was saying and was very "in her head." Sometimes it felt like she was talking to herself. She's very iNtuitive, prefers deep conversations (which I wincingly obliged to), and all that. I'm not about to cramp her style; I appreciate what she brings into the world and people like that rude woman mentioned above need to understand that and work with people or stfu.

God i'd hate to have her as a social worker.

Today isn't so great. Got bad news one after the next and this morning was a flurry of obstacles. I'm a bit sick, headache, and, basically, rock-bottoming out. It's been a terrible day and I'm just trying to hang in there.

Edited April 28, 2019 by noip

[noip]

I generally like my life right now in comparison to other points in time where I was miserable. Still, the sorest point is some people. Some people are this; some people are that. Having to share my space or other life aspects with people means really unpleasant encounters and situations at times, that aren’t avoidable. 

Since I have difficulty gauging what about me “triggers” people, because I’m not sure how I’m being perceived by others, it’s hard to tell what I can do to assuage the situations I continuously find myself in. What can I do to not piss x off? What is it about me that they keep targeting and coming after me? It’s uncomfortable because it’s a professional environment; I feel like personal environments are so much easier to navigate because I can just “get it all out there” in the open.

It sort of reminds of this episode in the twilight zone. There was a black woman with her son and a racist police officer. The son needs to get to his dorm to start college at an all-black school. The woman has a camcorder that can rewind time, luckily, because no matter what she does or how she tries to avoid the police officer, he goes after her son and kills him on his way to college— again and again and again. 

I feel like that’s my life; on repeat. Something about you rubs people you don’t know the wrong way, and they go after you. And no matter how you try, you can’t ever seem to get away.

Anyway I guess I’ve resolved to read a book about it... like, notably, “how to pick your battles.”

maybe someone else has thought deeply enough about it where it’ll be helpful to me...

Edited April 29, 2019 by noip

[noip]

As I try and make "following routines" a regular thing in my life, I find myself struggling because of the more playful aspects of my personality. Like rather than rigidly following my routine of studying, I'd rather crochet. I'd rather escape--Through forums, games, or movies. Since these things keep happening, I'm starting to wonder if I should incorporate time for "play." It's like, not enough that I've allowed myself a "rest day" once a week. I need days where I can be creative and have genuine fun.

Because so much of what is required in life, to me, just isn't [fun]. It isn't pleasurable. Living is not an enjoyable experience for me and it hasn't been for over decades now.

If I were to write the story of my life, it'd be full of discipline and perseverance. I feel like that was required of me: forcing myself to fit a particular way of life that didn't come naturally and probably never will. I excelled at it. I thought that it'd be something I'd never have to worry about (discipline and perseverance), but I was wrong. I pushed too hard. I got burned out. I don't believe that after a burnout you can ever really recover. 

I think the easiest way to move forward is to remove triggers in the environment for burnout, and to reframe one's perspective in life to make "striving" a bit easier.

But being older and generally "caring less" means I don't feel this need to "prove myself" to anyone. I don't feel the need to be "more" or "better." At this point, I'm just looking for ways to maximize happiness because I'm realizing that, maybe to me, essentially nothing else really matters.

Edited April 30, 2019 by noip

[noip]

When it rains, it pours, and right now it is pouring rather hard... 

[noip]

Lately I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to hold my chest rather tightly. It leads to the feeling of nervousness. I guess it constricts my breathing as well. Interesting how holding your body a certain way, “posturing,” can lead to changes in behavior. Why is that I wonder.

as the days pass I think more often about finding someone to fall in love with. Nothing is really holding me back from putting myself out there and I really enjoyed sharing my life with someone I think... so I’d like to try again...

It’s hard because I’m still hung up over this guy I met years ago. Losing that relationship was probably one of the most difficult things. Even now I still yearn for this person to be in my life again and the potential of what we could have been. 

There’s moments when I’m ok and I know I’ll move on, and then there’s still moments where I feel as though I’ll never get over him. I guess maybe to me he’s “the one that got away.” He’s probably the kind of story you tell your closest friends only after getting drunk: the tale of a heart’s deepest desire that will never be realized and that you struggle admitting even to yourself... 

i admit I took a chance on my ex boyfriend because he reminded me of him... I told my ex that if it weren’t for him, we probably would never have ended up together... 

so i don’t know; this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to loving someone so painfully unconditionally, and it’s a pathetic story. At some point it becomes a sad little one sided love. An unrequited love...

and maybe I’m just not really ready to move on yet, even though it burns to hold on, but even the burn feels good; intoxicating, really. I think, deep down, I love that I love him and want to keep doing so even though it’s painful. 

I wonder if that’s odd.

Edited May 1, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Today I woke up randomly in the morning after 4 hrs of sleep. 

I had a nightmare about my ex. This time we actually interacted. In the past he was always at the fringes, the periphery, of my dreams.

Since I went to sleep shortly after writing last night’s entry, I dreamed about the guy I still have feelings for (let’s call him L). I was happy to see L. However, it’s the kind of happiness where it’s like “time to watch you from a distance because we’re not close enough for me to be comfortable to try for more.” And idk; while dreaming I wondered what was the point of seeing him again. My plight of never having people I love or respect taking center stage in my life and “feeling stuck” with all the regrettably empty, one-sided relationships I willingly allowed to happen might actually be because I don’t go after those things I want in life. What’s the harm in trying? In asking? Them saying no? Because rejection hurts? 

Life is so very short. Too short to be a wallflower... 

In my dreams he was there a moment, and then he disappeared. Just like in reality. I searched but he was forever gone. If only I had stalled him a bit longer; perhaps we’d have become the best of friends; perhaps he’d never leave. Perhaps he’d leave but I’d still be with him.

The kind of love I have for L is one where he doesn’t have to be with me; as long as he’s happy I’m fine. I just would still like to be part of his life.

Regret. 

Before I knew it I was in the arms of my ex, and the nightmare began.

I feel like the dream is really just a reflection of reality...

Edited May 1, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Last night I managed 8 hours of sleep. I hope to improve my sleep further by making it more efficient. At current, if I set aside about 10 hours for sleep, I manage to get 8 hours of sleep. That means ~20% of my "sleep time" consists of segments where I am awake. It'd be nice to cut that down to getting 8 hours of sleep within 8 hours of time set aside for sleep.
They say sleeping like mentioned is a bit unusual all things considered. However, considering that I am optimal at 8 hours of sleep, it'd be preferable if I could cut down on the time awake. I think a regular sleep schedule should help in getting closer to achieving the hoped-for results.

Reading articles about "sleep," I came across a new term: "sleep inertia," which apparently can be triggered after naps as well. I think "sleep inertia" has contributed to feelings of "not being at my best" and likely has affected my performance in the past. For that reason, I think it would be beneficial to cut out nap times and get as much adequate sleep at night as possible.

With regards to habits-- It is working. They are getting more cemented. Ritualizing my routines has instilled meaning in them; this gives me the motivation to continue day in and day out. I'm now able to stay awake during the entire duration of meditation. Also so far, I've managed to lose 3 lbs within the past 1.5 weeks
I find that the more "routine" things become, the more I genuinely enjoy doing the activities.
I'm trying to improve my "routines" by making them happen earlier in the day and putting less breaks between them, but I'm finding that "timing" is all part of the habituation process. Eventually my body will naturally gravitate toward the desired activities, and as long as my sleep stays on schedule, "timing" should no longer be a problem. 

It'd be nice to get yogurt back in my diet again...

One of the things I really like is how I read more, like I wanted to. I'm halfway through a couple books, one on the Russian Blue and this other one that's taken forever for me to finish on rhetoric. At this rate, I should be able to finish and move onto other books soon!

Lately I've been checking in on the litter I gave up for adoption (don't ask me how many times; hint: it's too many). All but a couple have been adopted out. There were pictures and videos taken of them, and that's given me more solace than I ever thought it would. I'm so happy for the ones that have found homes. I miss them all terribly.

In other news, 

1. I've decided to join IRL groups to find "my people." All my life I've been plagued by feelings of loneliness and "not fitting in." Many "friends" have said, "you aren't alone. There's at least one person in this world throughout history and today who has felt and experienced something like you have." But their words were hollow. They're usually the ones who think we're the same but then realize we're not at all alike. I feel incredibly alone, and I'm not sure how much of that may be because I haven't yet found "my people." Maybe once I get a better feel for who they are, I can identify them faster/more easily.
This isn't to say I don't prefer being alone most of the time--I do.

2. I'm going to start a dream journal. I'm incorporating it into my bullet journal.

There was more I wanted to update on but will leave it here. I feel like this entry is long enough already.

From now on I'd like to go back to gearing this journal toward its intended purpose: Reporting results & hashing out plans.

Edited May 2, 2019 by noip

[noip]

I think in my life I've struggled the most with the darkness in other people. While I was taught it was "wrong" to feel or think certain things and managed to "curb it back" all my life, usually through deep denial, I feel like others around me have given it "free reign." What happens is that it's hard for me to recognize others' negativity towards me, and so I don't address it appropriately. What's more, I don't think we as a society really know how to deal with our negative feelings. We have such strong notions of "good" vs "bad" and this dualistic thinking has benighted us. We end up dealing damage to others without really realizing it. We hurt the people we supposedly care about because we couldn't come to terms with our own psychological afflictions or pain.

And I think this is what I've come to define as "toxic." My issue with it is that it's sort of correlated to that bible verse-- "You hypocrite! First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." A lot of people have "logs in their eyes," and in "helping" others they become like "the blind leading the blind." Whatever shapes what becomes our personal philosophies, whatever we struggle with, are like ripples in a pond--Since no man is an island, our ideas spread like a disease. With friends like that, who needs enemies. 

There's a saying that "the path to hell is paved with good intentions." This is all too true in my life.

Everyone talks about wanting to succeed in life through one's own effort. The fact of the matter is, we're increasingly becoming more team-oriented. It's not simply about "one's own effort" but also the people around you who can, and have, make or break a person--Whether in their career, in their relationships, or basically any other pursuit in life that requires a "team effort" to succeed. 
One such relationship that can "make or break" a person is mentors, with regards to their career. I always thought that mentors didn't get enough appreciation in this world that we live in. In Disney movies, or any other story plot, they're always sure to die. At some point somewhere in our lives, if we're fortunate enough, someone, not our parents, willingly took the time to "raise us" to be the people we did. Someone genuinely cared about our growth. Someone saw something in us. We become giants because we stand on their shoulders. However, not all of us are so lucky to find a mentor, and that's why the statistics support that those who had lacked mentors were much less likely to succeed in their careers.
Apparently mentorship is even more crucial for women in male-dominated fields such as STEM.

I think that's why it's important to have diverse people "succeeding" and not a bland group of people who are similar or basically the same, and it'd be quite telling if they were all the same.

I also think that's why a lot of people call it "luck" when they're able to do seemingly "impossible things." 
My LACK of luck is that I didn't have any mentors in my life who were able to nurture or bring out the best in me as I figured things out, fumbling in the dark awkwardly. I had a lot of "toxic bosses" and "toxic relationships," and people who failed to see my worth, but no one who really "got" me.

And deep down, I feel like I still carry that pain of feeling like "I am different" and the fear that "because I am different, no one will connect with me. I will never succeed." And because I am different, "I'll always feel like the workplace is toxic."

I've found in my success that there were people who didn't think I deserved it, didn't want me to succeed, or were "fair weather" friends, disappearing when things got hard.

Recently a friend instilled some fear and doubt in my heart. I'm at an especially vulnerable time in my life, with a lot of fears and uncertainty, and am doing my hardest to push past my weaknesses so my life at least feels "livable." When he did that to me, I realized it was from his own psychology he spoke and not at all to my benefit. It's bothering me more than I thought it would, but understanding that "some of your 'friends' don't want to succeed" is helping me move on. In trying to understand it, that's when I came across the idea of the "crab mentality"-- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality
I think the despair of humanity is a really deep pit; seemingly endless, really.

Edited May 8, 2019 by noip

[Zigzag Idiot]

13 hours ago, noip said:

I think in my life I've struggled the most with the darkness in other people. While I was taught it was "wrong" to feel or think certain things and managed to "curb it back" all my life, usually through deep denial, I feel like others around me have given it "free reign." What happens is that it's hard for me to recognize others' negativity towards me, and so I don't address it appropriately. What's more, I don't think we as a society really know how to deal with our negative feelings. We have such strong notions of "good" vs "bad" and this dualistic thinking has benighted us. We end up dealing damage to others without really realizing it. We hurt the people we supposedly care about because we couldn't come to terms with our own psychological afflictions or pain.

And I think this is what I've come to define as "toxic." My issue with it is that it's sort of correlated to that bible verse-- "You hypocrite! First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye." A lot of people have "logs in their eyes," and in "helping" others they become like "the blind leading the blind." Whatever shapes what becomes our personal philosophies, whatever we struggle with, are like ripples in a pond--Since no man is an island, our ideas spread like a disease. With friends like that, who needs enemies. 

There's a saying that "the path to hell is paved with good intentions." This is all too true in my life.

Me too. 

Great post!  True seeing and wisdom on many issues. IME 

Theres a saying I've heard that's associated with Inquiry and work on oneself -- "For a long time the ability to see, will be far ahead of ones capacity to do."  Being more awake can be painful.

 Like with not going into self criticism at some point in Inquiry. I watched myself fail 100% with that one for a long time. 

My experience with Inquiry and work on self has been one of layers..I find peace with myself when I forgive others for some tendency of my own which I see in them and has been for the most part, in my blindspot. Owning up to my own negativity can help me to overlook it in others which helps it to heal in myself. Less shadow.

 

 

[noip]

On 5/8/2019 at 11:57 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

Me too. 

Great post!  True seeing and wisdom on many issues. IME 

Theres a saying I've heard that's associated with Inquiry and work on oneself -- "For a long time the ability to see, will be far ahead of ones capacity to do."  Being more awake can be painful.

 Like with not going into self criticism at some point in Inquiry. I watched myself fail 100% with that one for a long time. 

My experience with Inquiry and work on self has been one of layers..I find peace with myself when I forgive others for some tendency of my own which I see in them and has been for the most part, in my blindspot. Owning up to my own negativity can help me to overlook it in others which helps it to heal in myself. Less shadow.

Thanks for sharing the italicized. You are right of course; it is much easier to forgive others when we can relate/empathize with any perceived shortcomings.

I'm realizing the pain of "perceived shortcomings" might in some cases stem from disappointment--Notably in situations where you hold another person in high regard and are more easily influenced by their opinion. 
My next line of thought, however, is "what do I do next?" Ignore the person? Carry on pretending you didn't hear their hurtful remark? Tell them why they're wrong? And then, but what if they expected a reply and jump to conclusions when you don't answer; what if they keep pushing the point continuously; what if you get into a bad argument and they leave resentful?, respectively.

My go-to is to just ignore it, but I know how that can drive people crazy.

[noip]

I took a Big 5/SLOAN test.

Results (roughly):
Extroversion-- 25%
Openness to experience-- 85%
Agreeableness-- 45%
Orderliness-- 60%
Emotional Stability--35%

I just wanted to note that my Emotional stability percentage indicates "neuroticism", and it looks to have "improved." In case you didn't know,

Quote

Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than average to be moody and to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.

Ever since figuring out that I had no change in heartbeat rate right before the start of a medical procedure, I've realized that these "stories" I told myself perhaps needed to change and be more reflective of "reality."

I'm still working on it. When I think about it, I was very anxious growing into adolescence. I grew up moving a lot, living in a variety of different homes, in economic instability, and in various neighborhoods from the dangerous and poverty-stricken to the countryside and well-off suburbs. My parents very much sheltered me stiflingly, protecting me from the elements, but we were still subjected to experiences like poverty, feeling threatened or danger in our surroundings, and regular emotional turbulence from others. Being one of the oldest and female in a traditional patriarchal society and left alone to our devices, I was shafted with a lot of children to care for and "mother," most salient since I was 11.
I lived a double life between home and school (which was basically ALL of my life), and that was also stressful. Any resemblance of joy in "one circle" I had to hide from the "other circle" because I felt like their intersection would tear each other apart. It was the only way I felt I could maintain a sense of "peace."

So I made a lot of mistakes growing up; I didn't have guidance in some things by the sheer fact that I "hid" many aspects of many of my tribulations, and from all people--friends and family alike. In a way, in the midst of so many heavy burdens, I felt like I had to maintain a "strong" exterior for them as well.

It was ok until I got traumatized.

Perhaps as a mixture of genetics and all the above, I suffered greatly from persistent feelings of anxiety, worry, severe depression, loneliness, with a proneness for feeling misunderstood. At worst these feelings would manifest as intense anxiety, and then dull paranoia. These "stories" I keep telling myself are filled mostly with intense fear, exasperation over society's "boxes," worry and uncertainty for the future.

As I've aged I've tried my best to "ebb" away any residual thoughts and feelings wrought on by the angst of adolescence. This includes taking the time to learn things such as mindfulness meditation, and therapy.

In a way, I'm happy that I found "no change" in my resting HBR right before the start of the procedure. It sort of proved to me that whatever I did or experienced to overcome my issues has worked. I can now tell myself new stories. I don't have to go back to all that worry and fear, or basically what makes up neuroticism.

I suppose as I try and regain "control" of my life, I can maybe use the big 5 as a way to measure progress? See if my emotional stability improves?
I suppose if it doesn't, that might simply validate that "traits" are indeed "fixed." But at least I'll feel more at peace.

---

So I decided to give myself a break from my habits on Sunday. I used it as a "rest day"/"lazy day." Big mistake! Because it's set me back. I'm going to make my habits daily and routine. Even though articles indicate I shouldn't be exercising "all 7 days of the week", I'm going to do it because I always start my days with a workout, and without it it's so easy to fall off-track.

Edited May 10, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Went out with my mom this mother's day.

I feel bad because she asked if I could lend her money to help pay off debt, and I said I couldn't. She sat in the car and asked me why not.

I didn't tell her that most all my money went into raising a surprise litter behind her back. Ugh. I don't know, I just suddenly found myself with two young animal parents and 7 little babies in my hands. Should I have allowed them to die? I couldn't. I gave them up as soon as they were ready.

What's more, I spent a lot of money for health-related issues and gave hundreds to them for their trips and shopping and all that shit, so I literally have like nothing left to give. I am squeezed out dry.

I felt bad, especially since it's Mother's Day. And frankly, I'm very embarrassed. Mom hasn't been able to look me in the eye since, but that's the situation I'm in.

I look at the kids of this generation and how they were able to find good jobs right out of graduation, since the economy has picked up, and I feel like I happened to be born in the wrong time and am just a doomed generation born in a shitty wrong time. It's like gods/the universe decided to make my dreams *poof* in one big joke called The Recession. Most accumulated debt from my generation also stems from credit card debt, so school loans aren't the only things taking a huge bite. Not to mention reeling from feelings of deprivation, loss, disillusionment, and Recession Blues.

My generation has the highest suicide rate and an opioid crisis.

I'm nowhere I thought I'd be due to a multitude of factors beyond my control, and it's pretty painful.

Anyway, on a lighter note, this coming Thursday should be my last health appointment and things can finally begin picking up speed as I search for a job and get back into school. 
I know it will get better. I just need to keep chipping away at it...

Edited May 12, 2019 by noip

[noip]

.

Edited May 12, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Yesterday as I sat in a coffee shop trying to get some work done, I reflected a bit on my life and finally came to an ultimatum with myself about how exactly I will be spending my time.

The fact is, I am plagued by many addictions. I want to watch youtube, I want to binge watch a new show on netflix, I want to eat junk food, I want to play online games, etc. It was when I found myself checking social media for the 10th time within a minute after putting up a post that I asked myself, 

"Are you even happy? Are you happy being a slave to likes, hearts, "nods" of approval from people who barely even know you? You know you could die and these people would never even know to mourn you, if even that. You could say something to piss them off and never answer back or leave, and your life would carry on like nothing happened. Are you happy spending such a significant amount of your time on something that barely even makes a dent or an impact in your life?"

The addiction to social media came with anxiety, where I'd find myself asking "Why aren't you checking? Check." I'd say to that voice, "I just checked seconds ago, not even a minute has passed yet...Chill" and it'd whisper back, "Check again. What if what you said is disapproving? Won't you be embarrassed? I KNOW what you said was wrong! Oh my god, how could that happen! Aren't you afraid to look silly? Aren't you embarrassed? Check. Check again."

I realize all my addictions afflict me the same way. It's persistent, incessant thoughts either in the form of words or images that interfere or disrupt my daily work/routine. I almost gave into the sense of urgency my addiction embedded, but I didn't. Had I done it, I would have "lost."

Ever since trying to find ways to cope with addiction and employing some strategy yesterday, I was more productive. I feel happier. I find that starting new and necessary (for my health) habits have been difficult, as is keeping the momentum going, due to my addictions interfering with tasks. With addiction, it becomes increasingly difficult to fit all my goals into the necessary time frames so that I can complete what I need to by the end of the day. 

I am going to stop letting addictions rule my life. I am going to be "happy" for once in a more true and authentic way, and not just giving into "fancies" and "whims" for fleeting moments of happiness that are really just empty and meaningless.

---

So last night, after effectively coping with my social media and youtube addictions, I finally managed to sleep at 8PM as scheduled. I managed to clock in 8 hours of sleep and am feeling good about today. 

So far, so good. *phew* 

Now to just keep that up...

Edited May 18, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Since my self-care has improved, and my health is better, I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

No longer do I feel "weak" and like "I can't do this life." Basically, I feel like I've spent the past several months recuperating from all of life's setbacks, improving my strategies for coping and trying to find a sense of motivation that came internally rather than externally. I've done the hard work of cutting out all the parts of my life that didn't gel with me. I've thought long and hard about past disappointments, processed my numerous experiences, and matured. 

I used to compare myself to the seed that was never inserted into the dirt and never grew. But at the moment, after all this time to reflect, process, and think deeply and meaningfully, I feel like wherever I landed, the seed has cracked and I've sprouted.

I didn't really realize it, but this is the part where I really start "gaining momentum." Once I'm fully healthy again, I should be better immersed in my physical world in a way that is meaningful, productive, and unstoppable.

In the past I kept saying "I feel like I'm ready to make things happen," but now I realize that people who are "ready to make things happen" don't ever say that. Usually because they are already making things happen.

Anyway, lots to do today...

My everyday schedule has stabilized.

Edited May 20, 2019 by noip

[noip]

I've recently met someone online that I've taken an uncanny interest in. I'm a bit wary about it, and so are all my family, because my last ex-boyfriend/fiance was a nightmare. He stalked me for months after I broke up with him, and was very disrespectful to the wishes of me and my family. I met my ex in school while completing my graduate courses.

So I'm hoping that this new guy I'm talking to won't end up so turbulent. I'll have to be more careful/cautious with him. I am actually thinking that when I'm truly serious about someone, making them sign an official background check and undergoing neuropsychological evaluation. ...I know, heavy, right. I just feel like I can't be too cautious.

Anyway, at the moment I am busting my butt looking for work. There's a lot of jobs, so it's not as bad as it has been the last several years when the recession hit.

At current I'm studying for a couple of standard exams for more schooling still. I'll have to sign up for classes to brush up on material, but I don't want to make the commitment until I have a job that can help me pay for my classes. 

Taking care of my health has been the best thing. I no longer feel as "wobbly" about life or like "I can't do it." Once I've really cemented my schedule, I think it should be smooth sailing~! I did make some changes, such as to my meditation routine. I've recently picked up on this thing called "reiki," a new-age healing. It apparently has proven, in one study, beneficial for individuals who displayed depression/anxiety ( neurotics like me : ) but didn't fit the dsm-v diagnostic criteria.
So far, it has really helped me to "Let go," and that has made such a big difference in positivity. 

Edited June 20, 2019 by noip

[noip]

It has been almost a year since I last visited this blog. 

I'm currently in quarantine. Feeling quite tired at the moment. Here; this is the music I am listening to: 

Some new things about my life--

- I got a job and I really love it; I think I have found my calling in life

- I am still studying for my entrance exams; I've only realized recently that I've simply been very unmotivated for the past few years, to do anything productive with my life. The reason why is apathy-- towards my life and myself. Now that I know this I've been taking appropriate steps in resolving any blockages.

- I lost 15 lbs --15 more to go!

- My sleep is OK. I now sleep from 10PM-7AM, and I have to say it's probably the most optimal sleep I've had in a long time probably because it's where my natural circadian rhythm falls.

- I've learned that I require some novelty or stimulation in my life. There is a label for this; it's HSS (high sensation seeker) HSP (highly sensitive person); and that's me in a nutshell; I think the reason why the "labels" help me so much is that it helps me build a vocabulary about what's going on inside of me through studying a pre-made framework.

- I have such an urge to cook again; I stopped for a long time because of trauma from my last job (where I "cooked" a lot). I am in the process of buying cooking utensils and ingredients; can't say it will be a great experience; will have to see. Cooking has a way of bringing out the darker sides of me (I find it stressful).

- My pet whose family I cared for and adopted out (but I kept her) is now a year and 3 months old. She's well past her prime (she is considered "elderly")-- She's very tame and sweet.

- Up until quarantine, I'd been socializing more and building a sense of "community," that includes attending fundraisers, going to church, volunteering, and writing workshops. It's been great help for my mental health.

At the moment I am trying to build a more meaningful life, one that I want to engage in and be a part of. 

Edited April 2, 2020 by noip