Working on self-mastery

[noip]

In reading the Journal Guidelines of this subforum, I got really inspired to make a journal documenting my journey towards self-improvement in an authentic way.

In 2017, I hit a mid-life crisis. I left my abusive dead-end job that I had no passion for and had me working 60+ hours a week with no overtime pay. I broke up with my  fiance who lied to me about his health issues and cheated on me. It was a nightmare. In the aftermath, I lost my home and my car, and my beloved pet. Homeless, I turned to my family members for help. While transitioning into a new job, I struggled with feelings of impending doom and anxiety to where I was slated into therapy and diagnosed with trauma and PTSD. There I began exploring mindfulness meditation and relaxation techniques.
Being fit all my life, I gained a significant amount of weight. I also came to find that if I wasn't careful of my hormone levels, it could trigger episodes of psychosis for me.

Since then, I've rebounded some. I've worked hard in figuring out what makes me happy. I eat healthier and try to exercise regularly. I've changed my career field of choice and am working to break through. I'm no longer in as intense denial about who I am and what I'm about. I also found out that some of my issues, including social anxiety and getting easily overwhelmed, stemmed from being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). None of it is perfect, but I am trying to be a better version of myself. At the moment, I know the key is in self-mastery.

I am very glad to have found a forum that is geared towards self-improvement !! I think about this often in my life, but looking at the state of my current life and how I am nowhere near where I'd like to be, I often wonder what I am doing wrong.

I think I will try and make a journal to keep myself on track with my life goals. 

Edited April 9, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Today I met with a volunteer coordinator. My goal is to use this experience to help secure a decent job that will meet my needs. I chose to volunteer in a local hospital that was in need of hands...

At first I wasn't feeling too good going into the interview. I have social anxiety, so anything that includes interacting with people really conjures negativity in me. I feel my heartbeat rate increase, I feel nervous, and I have all these horrible thoughts like "What if they don't like me?" I also start making excuses like "I won't go, because I'm busy with something else" to avoid facing people. 
I also had to finish a multiple-page quiz for the position, and the materials they provided were insufficient in filling out all the quiz answers.
I felt very frustrated after spending two hours on it and feeling stuck. I kept thinking that they were going to grade my quiz, which I couldn't complete because material was missing and not anywhere I could locate such as online. I thought of ways I could argue why they shouldn't dock points, and that it wasn't my fault.

I came into the appointment early, and there I sat with a group of strangers. I tried not to make eye contact; I felt like if they did they'd see things about me that I wanted to keep hidden, such as that I harbored frustration and anxiety, and I'm basically rock-bottom in life.

After the interview was over, however, I found that I was able to build rapport with both the strangers and the interviewers. The group of strangers began to feel more like a family as they asked me questions and I answered and conversation began to flow. They found out about my aspirations and seemed to respect my choices. The interviewer appreciated my going over the quiz answers that I was stuck on. Not only was it an opportunity for us to talk about the different strategies that the organization had implemented recently, but we also genuinely enjoyed the exchange.

I have a lot of doubts and insecurities at this point in my life, but I shouldn't doubt the fact that trying to move forward and up is something many people relate to, regard positively, and support. I suppose that makes it a human thing, which means I'm probably being too harsh on myself.

---

Tomorrow I plan to free up stress and time in my life by putting a (surprise) litter I was caring for into the shelter for adoption. After a long period of deliberation, I decided it was best for all of us that they found a new home. 

Unfortunately, there is an awful blizzard or snowstorm in our midst, so I'm not sure if this means I will have to continue to wait...

Edited April 11, 2019 by noip

[noip]

This entry will be a bit different from what I had planned for this blog (focusing on my goals). Instead, I'll be working on a bit of emotional awareness.

I've frequented a forum in the past for a few years now. That forum was there during my descent into madness and all throughout the years of my toxicity where I struggled with myself and the world around me. It was a period of personal growth, really. Recently I've come out of my toxicity, and I find that I can only take the forum now in doses. This saddens me quite a bit, because now that I'm healthier I want to contribute healthy content. However, being there in the midst of other toxic individuals pushes me back a herculean leap. It's almost as if, now that I'm in a better place, I'm no longer feeling as suited for that environment.

So I've been telling myself that maybe I can indeed contribute, but maybe I should just keep it "in doses." Almost like having a certain level of threshold, when I have too much exposure to "there," I actually feel nervous. My heart beat rate quickens, and my chest feels tight and my breathing gets strained.

One such incident today was when I saw a member discuss his difficulties with "holding onto the past and its negativity." Except he disguised the topic as a book he'd read and wanted to discuss in detail. A member came along and basically confirmed everything he wanted to hear, telling him to see both the good and bad and to move on. He lauded her on how wise she was and intelligent and insightful and blah blah blah.
I don't know why this bothered me. I immediately felt a strong burst of negativity towards him. I also thought that his praise was very unjustified, especially in a public domain with many wise, intelligent, insightful individuals, and it looked a lot like he just wanted validation and liked this person who validated him.

I suppose I'm still wrapping my head around people needing "external validation" and not admitting it. As a generality, I struggle with people who are blind to their own faults and seem perfectly smug about it. This may be an aspect of life/reality I simply have to come to terms with within myself. I think I feel impatient with it because when I was younger I was hungry for external validation due to wanting to impress someone I greatly respected. The things I did for that person's sake are things I still regret to this very day. And being upset about others' smugness seems rather hypocritical considering how, for a long time, I was also in denial about myself, and the immense feedback from life and society it took to overcome some of my blockages.
Maybe that's why when I see that short-sightedness in others, I feel an almost hatred; maybe it's really just a reflection of my own self-hatred and my world's hatred?

To me his actions were inconsiderate, rude, self-defeating, lacking in awareness, and I think what bothers me most is the way his words penetrate reality-- How it shapes the world of the person he praises and the audience who reads his words.

And for some reason, I find that unforgiveable.
it makes me wonder if I'm really "healthier" or if I'm simply onto the next phase of personal issues I need to deal with.

Years ago I had a therapist who specialized in mindfulness meditation. Towards the end of my sessions with her (I had to move away so could no longer see her), she wanted me to practice a loving-kindness meditation everyday. Maybe I should take up the practice again. 

Until then, I really can only handle my "old forum home" in doses...

Edited April 11, 2019 by noip

[Zigzag Idiot]

59 minutes ago, noip said:

don't know why this bothered me. I immediately felt a strong burst of negativity towards him. I also thought that his praise was very unjustified, especially in a public domain with many wise, intelligent, insightful individuals, and it looked a lot like he just wanted validation and liked this person who validated him.

 

This has been my experience-

A part of you knew he was going to do this as it unfolded. Mechanical thinking and behavior that is so predictable it drives you bezerk. ,,, 

 

1 hour ago, noip said:

Maybe that's why when I see that short-sightedness in others, I feel an almost hatred; maybe it's really just a reflection of my own self-hatred and my world's hatred?

How lucky you are! You're a part of a small percentage who don't bullshit about their own hatred. 

Very much an experience in my life is/was carrying hatred. I left the present tense adverb in because I'm not above it. We couldn't feel hatred if we didn't have a heart.

I understand about taking the forum in small doses at times and think it's wise.

 

[noip]

21 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

A part of you knew he was going to do this as it unfolded. Mechanical thinking and behavior that is so predictable it drives you bezerk. ,,, 

I can't say that I was surprised it turned out the way that it did. And yeah, to some extent the mechanical thinking in part contributed to my decreased patience with the ordeal, because it's not like it was the first time I witnessed that same behavior from him, nor the second, or the third...

21 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

How lucky you are! You're a part of a small percentage who don't bullshit about their own hatred. 

Very much an experience in my life is/was carrying hatred. I left the present tense adverb in because I'm not above it. We couldn't feel hatred if we didn't have a heart.

I understand about taking the forum in small doses at times and think it's wise.

Thank you for this.

My past turbulence has taught me that this negativity I struggle with is probably an issue that needs to be sorted out. I'd very much like to go through life unperturbed by people (I'd describe it as "petty" to be honest), and the more I think about it the more I feel like being a more compassionate person is the route to go. 

Sometimes I feel like my heart is so little--but I was coached by my old therapist to quell such thoughts as these. It's because of this intense self-criticism and harshness I impose on myself that life is more of a struggle than it needs to be.

[noip]

Today was a productive day. I was able to put some time into meditation and working out. Since January I made it a goal to be healthier since I realized I needed to take care of myself in order to care for others, and so far I've been consistently taking vitamins supplements (I take a mixture of biotin, fish oils, vitamin D, and women's multivitamins), as well as a glass of milk for Ca and 3L of water daily to avoid dehydration and the stress that comes with it. Usually breakfast is a healthy omelette with whole-grain wheat toast followed with yoghurt to replenish natural probiotics.

As expected, the blizzard that hit us stopped me from bringing the litter into the shelter today to be put up for adoption. The wet snow froze over and the roads became slippery, and no one plowed our area (we live out in the country). I was essentially "snowed in." 

Tried making a call to a financial aid adviser since I'm trying to go back to school. I've called her multiple times and she never picks up, so this time I left a message. I'm trying not to feel too discouraged by it.

Otherwise, I got hours worth of studying in, followed my morning routine, and retired to bed by 730 to read and fall asleep. It's now 1030. I blame it on social media.

I've been thinking lately that ever since forum'ing became a hobby, I've gained weight. 

Things to work on--
A regular waking and bed time
Reading before sleeping
Increasing loving-kindness/compassion (will have to look into it)

Next week I have 5 events to tend to spread out all over the place. I feel unhappy about it, but despite all this apprehension I've built up, I feel like it's going to be well and fine.

Edited April 12, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Another emotional spiel I've opted to share here--

Today I was looking for an I.D. I'd acquired years ago. Months passed, and it came time that I needed it again (it was requested). As I emptied out old purses, searched racks and boxes, I came across an old box I'd placed memories of my ex-fiance in. 

The parting between my ex-fiance and I was very sudden. One day he had proposed and I'd said yes, and literally the next day he left me.

I learned a great many things about him in his absence and refused to take him back.

My family was in an uproar. 

I quelled my cognitive dissonance with love songs. I found I couldn't throw everything of us away. While most of my mind decided to make a clean cut; part of my mind protested. Meanwhile, my heart continued floating on cloud 9...
So for the sake of my heart the few precious items of our time together I placed into a cardboard shoebox; it sat in a dark corner of my closet and collected dust.

I felt apprehensive when I came upon it today. I didn't really want to open the box. Something inside of me seemed to shake its head as if saying "No, no, noip... Not the box." But I thought to myself, "Surely if my old ID were anywhere, it'd be in there...?" I had to check.
I lifted the lid and there was the teasing stuffed animal imitating the pet he'd wanted for us, the scarf he'd bought me on our first xmas, the receipt for the engagement ring, letters and cards containing sentiments, and buried underneath it all was a photograph of us. 

As I touched each item, I felt this intense sense of... Joy. Even in knowing how bad the ending was, the grieving, the loss and the intense dissonance I struggled with for months--And the danger I found myself in-- I felt joyful, calm, and at peace. 

I realized that this was the core memory of him and of us, and as this "old me" I recalled flooded over me I felt love. Pure and simple love. 
It's interesting to me how love doesn't seem to care at all about what seems to become "background noise."

That experienced turned upside down any preconceived notions I'd had about romance, which was mostly negative. I realized that in moving forward into future relationships, I'll likely end up carrying that same sense of happiness and joy.
I admit for a long time I was confused about this sense "happy memories" in our bleak parting and still kind of am. Someone once told me that it was "the way to grieve," to remember with a fondness those once loved and long gone.

I think for sure though that with him and in that period of my life, my heart was truly happy.

In the end, however, my mind won out. I think(know) it is for the best.

Edited April 12, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Lately my sleep has been quite bad. I get some nights where my sleep is broken in half. I think my sleep has mostly gone substantially downhill since the litter was born back in January (and also since getting what became their parents back in November). The little critters are nocturnal, make lots of noises at night, and honestly, I didn't think it would affect me this much.

I suppose being HSP has something to do with it though; you know, what with the sensitivity to the environment and whatnot.
The other piece of the puzzle is that I am a night owl. My most optimal sleep times range from 12AM to 3AM until 8 hours after sleep starts. Of course this isn't doable considering that society starts the day at 9AM.

I do have ear plugs and they help a lot, but they're also uncomfortable to sleep in.

I wish I could get my sleep down. A lot of people have recommended Melatonin. I keep trying to fall asleep on my own by being consistent about my sleep schedule, but I find that my schedule is so packed, at the end of the day there's so many things I desire to do it's hard to fall asleep. : /

I know that getting a regular sleep schedule means everything else will fall into place. In fact, sleep should probably be my #1 priority right now... I need to be more stringent about my sleep times.

Focus of this week:
Waking and sleeping at allotted times/following a regular sleep schedule

***

I drank a whole cup of coffee today; it did nothing for me. 

Edited April 13, 2019 by noip

[noip]

So I made a topic that so far no one has responded to--

I'm assuming it's because NOBODY HERE KNOWS WTF TO DO.

Which is just fine~

However, I just found it somewhat strange that the topic that happened to be "hot" at the time of my posting was about some guy's penis.

Considering the threads that proceeded to be discussed thereafter, it's no wonder.

I guess what I'm saying is, this place doesn't strike me as a very female-friendly place, with even some threads started by what suspiciously looks like red-pill leaners.

Go figure.

---

Onto the topic of self-mastery.

Today was great. It's almost bedtime in 2 hours. Lots to do tomorrow.

Edited April 15, 2019 by noip

[Zigzag Idiot]

13 hours ago, noip said:

I guess what I'm saying is, this place doesn't strike me as a very female-friendly place, with even some threads started by what suspiciously looks like red-pill leaners.

 

I would like to see Emerald and Leo join forces. I think she would be great as a full time integration facilitator- moderator in the forum and her fixed presence would bring in more of the feminine to help balance things. From what I've seen their perspectives seem to be harmonious and she is very good at articulating ideas and interacting with others. But I know nothing of the business/money side of the equation.

 

[noip]

5 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I would like to see Emerald and Leo join forces. I think she would be great as a full time integration facilitator- moderator in the forum and her fixed presence would bring in more of the feminine to help balance things. From what I've seen their perspectives seem to be harmonious and she is very good at articulating ideas and interacting with others. But I know nothing of the business/money side of the equation.

 

She's amazing! Very articulate.
Yes, I was part of a forum that took on a female mod for the purposes of preventing a, as they put it, "sausage party" from happening. The forum admin wanted the site to be more "female-friendly" and I think it worked out for them because there is a strong female presence on that forum, and it's a fairly non-toxic, friendly place.

 

Edited April 16, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Today I managed 7hrs 45min of sleep. Bedtime started around my target sleep time: 8PM. There were a lot of sleep disruptions and sleep quality was poor. I know this will improve with a consistent sleep schedule.

I no longer drink caffeinated beverages, and I think doing so has been beneficial for me. It's likely I simply have an increased sensitivity to chemicals tbh. I do think that, nowadays, it doesn't take much for me to break out in hives due to stress (stress = cortisol = body chemical) and I am noticeably more irritable and need to be wary of psychoses during menstruation (decreased estrogen = affecting neurotransmitter dopamine ? = psychoses and increased irritability).

I've been trying to balance hormones with flax seeds as a regular part of my diet.
I still take my regular daily vitamins (including vitamin D), milk, yoghurt, etc.

Thinking about it, in astrology I have Scorpio Sun in 6th house. If I recall correctly, these natives can have health issues/ailments that require "rigorous" health maintenance. I do recall an astrologer sharing that something about my aspects meant I'd eventually be forced into a position where I'd have to take necessary actions to take good care of my health, and thus the natural bend towards studying sickness/health ailments in my life.

My litter of pets are still with me. Tomorrow is when they finally go to their new homes. I've been quite concerned about one of them, because it looks like he might have caught an infection. I will have to keep an eye out in case he needs antibiotics (so sad). 
I am really sad to be parting with these babies. I watched over them from when they were pink and hairless. It is sad to see them go, but wherever they go will be better than here.

This Friday I'll be sedated for a procedure, and I'm hoping it'll be the last and only one. After this and some healing, and one more followup appointment, I should be good to start working again !!!

The other thing I am working on is schooling-As soon as the scholarship application becomes available, I'll be attending classes for the first time in awhile in the fall~~

It's a lot of work, but I tell myself it's temporary. So far it's all just baby steps in the grand vision of things to be.

oh yeah, and I did manage to lose a couple pounds since keep track of calorie intake. I don't go over 1300calories/day. I keep track with my fitbit app. I also managed 20minutes of meditation today (my target actually), and last week's stats indicated that I ran 10miles more than the week prior.

Edited April 16, 2019 by noip

[noip]

It's a busy morning and I feel nervous. 

Last night I was up late watching Star Trek. It always seems that TV addiction ruins my sleep more than anything else. I should probably turn off all electronics at 730 and pack them away into designated spaces. It'd probably be better for my electronics as well as I'd go through each one and actually turn them off rather than fall asleep with them still on... I will start this today, because now I'll actually have room for designated spaces.

Today I will be parting with my litter of animals that I've been raising for the past few months. I feel overall nervous, but this is a huge step towards improving my sleep, my relations with my family, and I'll no longer have to sleep with my window open...
You know, I really think sleeping with a window open affects my sleep quality. It seems like I'm "light sleeping" because I'm just so "aware" of everything around me, like my body can tell the minute changes and disturbances. Last night there were a lot of noises that woke me up outside my window, including creepy animal calls--fox calls and owls hooting--and the passing of a nearby train kept waking me up. I also wake up a lot from temperature changes. When I looked at my sleep tracker stats today, I have 8 red spikes that indicated I woke up in the middle of the night.

I've been feeling more anxious lately what with my period and everything else makes it worse. The sound of passing cars outside my window makes me anxious; it just sounds SO LOUD to me.  It makes me anxious that I'll have to get behind a wheel today. I always get anxiety while driving. I find it so bad that I try and put off driving as much as possible. It makes me feel worse that the sky looks like it's going to douse rain on us any time soon...

Anyway, I could probably do with some quiet meditation. There's lots to do today and the day is just getting started....

***

Forgot to mention that I talked with some people yesterday, and they thought I was having sleep issues due to anxiety. I think they are right. I think deep down I feel anxious about the future because I feel like I have so much at stake or so much on the line. It makes me anxious.

Edited April 17, 2019 by noip

[noip]

My litter is gone and I am feeling a sense of "absence." For whatever reason, it makes me feel a little... lonely, I guess. Like there's an emptiness in my life.

I don't like changes, mostly. Ever since my life turned upside down as I transitioned from childhood into teenager, I've never seen transitions quite the same again. I've never regarded them as positively since. In fact, transitions thereafter seemed to trigger that particular impactful experience. It makes sense, considering it's when my trauma took place.

I'm torn about this decision I made. Still, I know I made the right choice.

***

My first night without the litter I was raising was good. My sleep quality and time and efficiency improved. That and the fact that I cut out caffeinated beverages has improved my sleep quality a lot. The next step is to get it to stabilize to starting at 8PM.

I'm no longer feeling as anxious as the week passes. I suppose with one responsibility down after another, my life is getting "simpler." I guess a "cluttered life," even in the form of "too many responsibilities" so I guess getting "stretched out thin" can really screw with one's anxiety or sense of security ?

The next step is to clean and reorganize my room.

In the meantime, I have family to spend time with and a huge exam coming up to prep for...

Edited April 18, 2019 by noip

[noip]

I'm feeling a bit anxious for a few reasons.
First, because tomorrow is my last appointment this week, and it's where I'll undergo a procedure and will have to be sedated. I'm worried about how knocked out I'll be due to my sensitivity to chemicals. I've plotted the day in my head-What time to get ready, what to wear, when to leave, where we might park, how we can find the facility...
Second, I am still anxious about the future. I know the future is uncertain and all we have is today. However, when I think about my family and myself, the destitute life I'm living and how much I need to succeed, I feel a lot of pressure. I feel like time is so short. This anxiety keeps me up at nights. It sends my sprawling into consciousness at 1AM in the mornings when the sun isn't yet risen.
Third, I have a couple big, major exams coming up.

Lately I've been driving the car to a lot of appointments, and even though I feel nervous and like my life is on the line every time, it gets easier-With practice. I find driving so freeing to be honest...Like I can go anywhere. It's nice not having to live my life on someone else's time simply because I'm waiting for a ride. Still, I really need to reread my driver's manual...I've already gone over it twice, but I still keep feeling like I'm forgetting things (since it's long intervals of not driving after refreshing), and I get nervous. 
Nervousness->cortisol->working memory gets screwy->forgetfulness

Well it's bedtime now. I'll have to brush my teeth and follow this beauty routine I made for myself. /sigh 
I think the anxiety is why I keep falling asleep while meditating. It's like mediation relaxes my body, and then the next thing I know, I'm awake and a couple hours are gone...

Edited April 19, 2019 by noip

[noip]

Post operation I ended up sleeping most of the day. I think the anesthesia quelled my anxiety, because my sleep was very good. Now I'm just healing up. Today I'm in a moderate amount of pain.

Part of me wonders if my anxiety is all in my head. I remember sitting in the chair before the procedure and feeling nervous and thinking I was going to freak out. However, when they took my blood pressure reading, my resting HBR was very low (under 80bpm). My HBR remained low even after socializing with the surgeon and his assistant. I often figured I had social anxiety, but there's like literally no biological data to back that up. I "feel" it but is it real?

I first addressed anxiety issues with my first real world job. I cried a lot and was very upset about things, and when I confided into a mentor, she said I should probably see a therapist. From her perspective I really didn't have anything to cry about. That was when I realized that anxiety can be caused by frame-of-mind-How you handle things.

When I think about it I wasn't shy before 6 years old. I became shy after moving to a completely new state at 6 years old. I remember my heart jumping into my throat when it came time to give presentations. My face would turn red and my voice would shake.

Nowadays though, it looks like there's no actual increase in HBR at all actually. Maybe I'm telling myself stories that are no longer relevant? Maybe my brain is recognizing old scenarios and replaying old thoughts, but they're no longer based on reality? It's so weird.

Maybe if I were to start telling myself "I'm actually not anxious, afraid, or even nervous at all," things will begin looking very different?

Edited April 22, 2019 by noip

[noip]

For whatever reason, I find exercise so beneficial to my well-being. It gives me the fortitude and strength to face my days and to handle any setbacks. And for whatever reason, people can tell when I've had a day where I worked out vs. not.

Maybe working out just makes me happier.

[noip]

Since now I know I don't get anxious about things, I should start making schedules and sticking to them "religiously." I don't get nervous, so I don't feel the need to study for exams, for example. I don't get nervous so I don't take the time to adequately prepare for a huge presentation. I don't get nervous, so I don't look like I care about things.

I can look like I care about things through the quality of my work. I can improve the quality of my work by putting more time into the details. I can put more time into details by setting aside allotted times for it and sticking to said schedules.

At least, this is how I'm thinking to best go about it.

It's hard to stick to "routines." But since watching Marie Kondo get clean and tidy about things, I've realized that a strategy that might work for me is "ritualization."

Like, basically, make it a "religion."

Err, so I guess, "being healthy" is my religion ?

Deep down I keep feeling like "I need to turn my life around" or "It's the perfect time to turn my life around." The more I think it, the more I feel like I can do it, and I guess I'm glad for that motivation.

Edited April 22, 2019 by noip

[Gladius]

Impressive self-analysis skills you have, keep it up!

[noip]

On 4/22/2019 at 0:55 PM, Gladius said:

Impressive self-analysis skills you have, keep it up!

Thank you!