Give me 1 reason to not end it now.

[RichardY]

Stop fucking about and get vengeance or justice.

[Zetxil]

@Paul92

16 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I really don't think anyone understands.

@SgtPepper Of course I don't. But on the flip side of that, I simply do not see a way that I can ever feel normal again or have my own life back. It's impossible and that is all I want. To feel like I used to. To feel like Paul. And for me to see my loved ones as my loved ones. To have MY life.

I was always comfortable in my skin as 'Paul'. I had my faults but I was always the first to put my hand up and admit that. I tried to live an honest and decent life causing nobody any harm. I never had to work to be something, I was just who I was and I was happy with that.

Now everyone here is saying we have to destroy our sense of identity. There is no me and there is no you. We are all one. Controlled by something else. Destroy the Self.

And you can say this is all a belief. This is all a thought. Well, yes it is, but does that make it any less true? If all thoughts and beliefs are false, then why are we all on this forum stating our thoughts and beliefs about whatever this is? If we are not our thoughts, how did we ever reach the conclusions that many have reached here?

If I could just be Paul, and look after myself, and be that person, knowing that that was the truth, then I'd be happy enough. But there is no Paul, is there?

So, ultimately, I don't want to be here. Waking up this morning there was just an intense dread. There is no colour left. I'm sick of waking up in the morning knowing that today I must grind away at myself. I must destroy my identity. I must become nothing. Lose attachment to everything. ANd just 'be'. Be happy staring the walls in my house. Not having any opinions. Not having any goals. Just metabolizing air.  And you can say this is ego backlash or whatever. But at least as an ego, I experienced happiness. I experienced love and compassion to others. Now I'm supposed to destroy Paul and just be content that everything is already perfect. I'm tired of the word salads. I'm tired of the hypocrisy. I'm tired of the you are and individual, but you aren't, we are one. I'm tired of the empty is full and full is empty. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Truth is, it makes no difference whether I throw myself off a bridge later today. And a lot of you are thinking that. Because there is no me. I never existed in the first place. It'll all just go dark and that it is it. Nothing scary about that is there? Oh but what about the people you care about. Hang about, 5 minutes ago everyone was saying that nobody exists. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

So fuck it. Why not.

I don't understand (I once stood where you stand), but I don't think I will ever be able to understand. I am not you and because of that I can't understand what you are experiencing/have experienced. 

Going forward you will have to read carefully as I am going to express things that can't be thought about logically okay! Sometimes you have to experience what you are going to experience.  Everything the way it happens is perfect. Perfect for me. Perfect for you. Perfect for we. Perfect for us. Perfect for the self. Perfect for the ego. There is no happiness without an ego, but there is also no ego without you. If you are tired of something brush it off and move on! I'm not here to tell you whether to take your life or not. That is your choice and your choice alone and you will have to deal with the consequences whatever they may be.

Full is full and empty is empty, but there needs to be a container for something to be empty or full!

I wouldn't say that you throwing yourself off a bridge would make no difference. What would make no difference to me, is you sitting in your room loving white walls all day. At least the first one SOMETHING is being done. Maybe not productive, but something.

Do you know it will all go dark (no awareness/devoid of senses)? I have been curious about it (death) as well. I find it is pretty interesting that everyone laughs when we joke about death and it is never a, "oh that's awkward, maybe that shouldn't be joked about." It is always a peaceful laugh and acceptance because deep down something is know about death that can't be extrapolated into the form of words. The best way that I have witnessed it goes something like "hidden in every ending is a beginning and with every beginning an end." But hey, maybe it is just black nothingness (whatever that means).

It doesn't seem to be about having things both ways (which is where I see a lot of people on this site have it slightly off kilter). You know, it seems to be more about expressing what is being felt, in any form that you wish to express it. Some people express their feelings of the unknown by saying nothing can be know, others do it through art, maybe dance, education etc. I enjoy making music/plunking through cords and rhythms to find anything that could embody the way I felt in the moment. Everyday I wish that I still had my guitar to pluck on whenever I feel an emotion I can't express through english (couldn't fit it in the move ) 

This website seems to be a place where people of similar ideas of expression came to express those ideas. If you don't agree and can't connect with them, move on, search for something else that you find meaningful and can enjoy. It isn't worth yours or anyone's time to dwindle on something with so little meaning to you!

Not everything is about truth-fullness. There are lies everywhere, one just has to look carefully to spot them. You can't take everything that is said by another person as a literal interpretation of the experience. Memory is a fickle mistress (whether that memory comes form an individual or a book) and so is english when taken from a literal perspective.

Much love on your journey, whatever path you choose to take. 

P.S. My 1 reason for you to not end it all: I enjoy when there is more expression for me to connect with! 

[bejapuskas]

19 hours ago, Paul92 said:

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS

You can  That's the nature of freedom

Edited April 10, 2019 by bejapuskas

[Emotionalmosquito]

On 4/9/2019 at 1:06 PM, Mikael89 said:

Depends on which definition of God we are talking about. God (Brahman, Infinite Consciousness) is uncreated, eternal.

God (Isvara or Brahma) the creator of experience objects (universe/Maya) arose from Brahman, Infinite Consciousness. Because there is infinite potential in Infinite Consciousness.

--------------------

1 reason to not end it now: you can't die. So why would you kill yourself?

You would probably just make your path to the Supreme Goal (enlightenment) longer. 

Your way out of this shit is enlightenment, not suicide, so put more effort in getting enlightened.

We can never really die because consciousness is eternal. Fair enough. But why assume suicide wouldn't be an effective escape just because you would transition into something else thus not solving anything? This seems to imply there is some type of system, reincarnation or otherwise which makes it impossible to give up the easy way. Since god has infinite possibilities, transcendent of all laws and logic, you should be able to make the choice to completely unmanifest and "delete" yourself such that you go into the non experience of the atheists view of post death. That doesn't seem possible from our present understanding because there is nothing independent of consciousness but hey god can do anything it wants right?

[theking00]

3 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Analogy:

Imagine a really bad smelling object in a room (whatever object).

To get rid of the smell you don't just open the window. Because as soon as you close the window again (which you will do sooner or later) the smell will come right back.

The most important thing, and what only works, is to throw away the object. It needs to be solved from the source.

Life is a nightmare 

[Dumb Enlightened]

On 06/04/2019 at 7:43 AM, Paul92 said:

As the title suggests, give me one reason.

I simply cannot live in a world where I cannot celebrate our individuality. I can't live in a world where I can't love another person.

 

who said you can't do it man, you can do whatever you want. if you want to love you love, if you don't believe non dual shit just forget about it, 

live and enjoy duality, there's no problem

[Dumb Enlightened]

On 06/04/2019 at 8:12 AM, Paul92 said:

@David Hammond  I'm afraid that makes zero sense. There is no you or me. The only you or me that exists is the ego you or me. Which is not a thing.

There's a problem here, if you had indeed realized the self, and had seen that there's no you or me, you wouldn't be suffering, so right now this non duality that you have is just a concept, a theory, if this is making harm to you, just drop it, stop reading about it, stop watching videos about it, just forget, and go study other things that make you feel better.

Only go back to non duality if you are willing to have the realization, then you'll go from theoretical non duality to actual non duality, and then you won't suffer anymore.

[Nahm]

@Mikael89 meh.

[OmniYoga]

you gonna die anyway - there is no escape
you can watch blackscreen or rest of the movie

[OmniYoga]

@Mikael89 
it's an analogy
the film has its end regardless of everything
skipping to end straight away doesn't seems that it will change that much

and actually it might be quite on point
think of the time before you were born
is it closer to a vivid movie or a black screen

Edited April 19, 2019 by OmniYoga

[Emotionalmosquito]

On 4/18/2019 at 11:25 AM, Mikael89 said:

I think there's probably a reincarnation system with karma and all that.

And also: you are not the body. So why would it matter what happens to the body? That means: you wont get rid of delusion by destroying the body. Thus you will wake up again and wont know what happened, and you continue living up in delusion until you get enlightened, which is prior to/beyond the body.

 

The body and even more so the mind is very much like a prison for most of us. So by terminating the body, maybe there would be a chance to somewhat control the transition process. Because it's all you and all one anyway right? Does the unenlightened majority lose lucidity between lives rendering them incapable of doing anything other than automatically reincarnating? The Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep and book of the dead are two interesting books on this matter. Basically they try to raise their awareness to such a degree that they can remain calm and focused through death thus giving them more control. Which must be what you're saying with enlightenment being the only way out. However, there might still be a way to wiggle out of this self imposed trap between lives even if not fully liberated just by remaining calm and lucid.  It would stand to reason because with the power of pure consciousness being heavily filtered through the mind and five senses, each death is probably a massive awakening into infinite potential and freedom. I know all these questions come from the limited ego but it still seems very bizzare that god would put itself under such a curse for the purpose of self dicovery. It's almost like a strict contract. I like to think we're more empowered through this whole process but that might just be more delusion.

And that analogy would make sense provided you couldn't just jump out the window while it's open and forget about the stank altogether. But it's probably your own house so you can't. 

So you mean the open window is between lives, closed is the next physical life, and the stench is the source of suffering, correct? If I understand the analogy properly the open window would be the perfect time to throw out the nasty object. 

Edited April 19, 2019 by Emotionalmosquito

[Anirban657]

@Paul92 Just live man. This too shall pass. I have been in your situation and it feels like hell.  I know. So just live and don't do anything stupid.

If I can live, you can too. 

Go to the doctor and take some medication if you don't feel right. But live. That's the greatest thing you can do. To live.

Life is a gift from God. So live.

[frnsh]

On 4/6/2019 at 6:43 AM, Paul92 said:

As the title suggests, give me one reason.

I simply cannot live in a world where I cannot celebrate our individuality. I can't live in a world where I can't love another person.

People are illusions.

If am nothing.

Maybe it was always meant to be like this. This piece of awareness destroys itself.

I loved there being a me and you. I loved that. It made the world a colourful place. We are all here together, as individuals, trying to make the best of it. But we're not, are we?

I can't do this any longer. A couple of days ago I came so close to putting a knife through my arm. Today, I will do it.

I hope you are still here. 

If we consider that the world is empty and all at the same time and there is such a thing as dying to get enlightened (positive death) and suicide (negative death), then what if you are just on the other side of the coin right now. What if you are closer than you know, just because you are ready to give it all up. What if you just need one more step and that your suffering out of emptiness and seeing no point in anything anymore is getting you close to your wholeness and finding the beauty of the world than any other time in your life.  

Have you considered for once, looking at a beautiful scenery that makes your heart beat and say, I am not ready to leave yet. This moment is just too gorgeous and I really want to be here, right now at this second, to just feel it for one more second. I will end it a bit later, but not right now. If you experience it, you will most likely feel why you want to be here. I felt the same at some point. If you haven't, I hope you try to find something that makes you want to stay for one more second, just to fill you up for that time. Those moments give life, and they can happen at any time, especially if you turn on your radar and look for them. What if you do that, as the last try you'd do to stay. 

[Evilwave Heddy]

Because you're worth it... hehehehe

 

Anyways, what good would sticking a knife through your arm be? You'd only put yourself in pain for quite a few hours...

[Shin]

I was in depression for 7 years.

This year alone I had 3 or 4 breakdown due to heavy emotional issue.
Even right now btw.

Thing is, they always pass, so don't worry it's gonna be ok

[Paul92]

@Shin I feel ya. I know things pan out after a while. I am more stable than I was. I think.

Physically I feel really strange, have you experienced this? Nightmares every night too.

I don't understand how nonduality can make anyone feel better about anything.

"Hey man, I'm feeling really down... my life is crumbling around me and I feel so tired and hopeless"

"Oh, don't care about anything... you don't exist and neither does anyone else!"

"Cheers buddy, I feel great now"

"Just remember, there is no 'I'".

Load of nonsense.

[bejapuskas]

2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Shin I feel ya. I know things pan out after a while. I am more stable than I was. I think.

Physically I feel really strange, have you experienced this? Nightmares every night too.

I don't understand how nonduality can make anyone feel better about anything.

"Hey man, I'm feeling really down... my life is crumbling around me and I feel so tired and hopeless"

"Oh, don't care about anything... you don't exist and neither does anyone else!"

"Cheers buddy, I feel great now"

"Just remember, there is no 'I'".

Load of nonsense.

I know from a personal experience and from some people who told me about this as well, that people have nightmares, when they are working on their life and a lot of negative things are surfacing, I think it's a good sign actually  Idk about the physical part though, do you stretch?

Yeh, thinking about nonduality is very different from feeling it.

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I don't understand how nonduality can make anyone feel better about anything.

That’s because you have no direct experience of nonduality. It’s the greatest possible feeling. Infinite Love and Unconditional Acceptance of yourself and all individuals. Infinite Love of Infinite Love. 

The attitude you feed is the one that grows. 

It’s as if you’re bashing being a world champion boxer, but have yet to begin training, go to a gym, or step in a ring. 

But you can. 

You created yourself, and you created choice. Now, you can choose. Matter of fact, you are never not choosing. Hard to realize while blaming, I know. It will pass.

 

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.

Charles R. Swindoll

[abrakamowse]

I think I know what is happening to you @Paul92  I know because it happened to me too, but I wasn't suicidal. I just got a big depression and some psychotic episodes. Same thing happened to me, I think.

You are trying to find the solution to what you find out in non duality with the mind. The mind doesn't understand reality. That's why when we try to explain we use WORDS, that are only pointers, not the real thing. You want something from the "outside" who can explain you why reality is the way it is, why there's no purpose, why we are all one, etc.

 

That's your problem, ILLUSION is just a word. It can't explain what reality is. It's a pointer. Illusion means that reality is not what we think it is. That there's something more besides this "real" world. But you cannot get attached to that meaning because it is not true. It will never explain completely reality. 

That's why Huang Po said "Don't underestimate the reality of the illusion". What does that mean? Is it a reality or is it a illusion? 

It's none of them! Because there's no words to explain what reality is. Don't search that path. It will bring destruction to you and to those that you love. Because even to say that the ego doesn't exist is also not completely true.

You were saying that the ego has to be killed. A lot of master taught that, even Jesus said "deny yourself".

That's one way to say it, there are other masters that said that you have to INTEGRATE the ego. You have to love your ego.

Don't get attached to ideas, because the idea that you have about reality that is making you feel so bad is also wrong.

It's an idea, and are you going to leave this life because of a wrong idea? Remember the experiences are real, everything that you experience is true, and while you are here in this planet/life/universe you are helping all that collective consciousness to grow and to learn from experience.

Hope this helps, follow the middle path, as Buddha used to teach. Don't go to extremes.

 

Blessings!

 

Edited May 15, 2019 by abrakamowse

[abrakamowse]

This video I think can be of help, someone posted it in other section of the forum