Give me 1 reason to not end it now.

[mandyjw]

Honey, you don't know how beautiful you are. Go look at something you find really beautiful or inspiring. A car, a scene, some art, a woman, whatever. feel that feeling. You ARE that. That's it. That's all there is to it.

Stop believing you are the conflict and the pain, and you just simply become... that. 

It's not your body because it's here to fulfill a great purpose, it's here as a vehicle to do good and love others. The false you is the you who wishes to harm it. 

Edited April 7, 2019 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

On 4/6/2019 at 6:43 AM, Paul92 said:

As the title suggests, give me one reason.

I can celebrate our individuality.

I can love another person.

No Thing = Love 

 

Maybe it was always meant to be like this. This piece of awareness destroys itself. There are ot “pieces” of awareness. You are already whole, just have some ignoring of sensations going on. It is not as heavy or as complicated as it seems right now. Relax, do some things to change your perspective. You can do this. 

I loved there being a me and you. Still is. Your perspective (misunderstanding) changed, not the actuality.  I loved that. You chose to look at it differently, in misunderstanding.  It made the world a colourful place. Place is still that same Paul.  We are all here together, as individuals, trying to make the best of it. But we're not, are we? Obviously we are. 

I can't do this any longer. A couple of days ago I came so close to putting a knife through my arm. Today, I will do it.

Talk to someone. Call the your dad, talk with me, call the hotline I gave you - talk to someone and open up. You’ll be ok. 

 

On 4/6/2019 at 7:23 AM, Paul92 said:

@David Hammond I think I have. There is no you, there is no me. So how can there be individuals. Makes zero sense.

This is what monkey mind, mental masturbation, overthinking is. 

You want to know these truths, but you’re not doing the work. You’re attempting to bypass personal development & consciousness work altogether. When you start doing the work, the theme of loving yourself and others starts to become clear. Everything is already fine as it is. The work to be done is you shedding beliefs by letting go of this need to always be “right”. You can do this. 

Go be with the girl. Share how you’re feeling. Let go & be vulnerable. Let Big Love flush this nonsense out of you with healing, love and tears. 

It’s ok to leave conceptual town, (over thinking all this), and just love her Paul. Stop holding Love in contempt.  

Talk to your dad today. Be open and share how you’re really feeling. Most of us have been there, and I bet he has too. 

Open up, allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. 

Things that will bring immediate relief:

Reiki

A massage

Time in nature

Skype with me ?

Writing about how you’re feeling, so your eyes can see it and you mind can understand it more clearly. 

Have a beer with a friend, the girl, a family member, etc - and laugh about stuff. Lighten up. 

Watch Billy Elliot, & The Hurricane, & What Dreams May Come. 

Read The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem, & Ask And It Is Given, & Loving What Is.

Do something selfless, help someone with anything. 

 

[Farnaby]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but I'll try to be as helpful as I can. 

When I started reading about Buddhism, non-duality, ego-death, etc., I got caught in a similar trap. I started trying to draw logical conclusions like you're doing: "If me and you are only illusions, how can they have meaning and why should I do anything in life?" 

As others have pointed out, if you really observe this thought, you will notice it's only another idea/rationalization your ego is clinging to in order to feel in control. 

It seems to me, you are discovering that life is in a sense a game in which we are playing a role. This is a positive Ah-ha moment, but it seems a part of you is not willing to accept this and is labeling it as if it were something bad that needs to be changed. Again, this is a part of you trying to be in control and resisting reality. I know how confusing this can be and that's why I agree with those who told you to avoid getting caught up in language/thoughts. 

You won't find the answers you are looking for in your inner dialogue. You have to go out and experience life, noticing when you are analyzing it so you can learn to let go of this need to understand everything. This is not easy to do but it will help you learn how to be present and be comfortable with life as it is. Of course this doesn't mean you won't feel unpleasant emotions. They are an essential part of life. But your ability to not act out on them and actually learn from them will greatly increase. 

I would also strongly encourage you to seek psychotherapeutic help, as you seem to be suffering a lot right now and this process will help you to find out what you need right now in order to be able to enjoy your life. 

I hope you can get something positive out of this and enjoy life 

 

Edited April 7, 2019 by Farnaby

[Truth Addict]

@Paul92

Don't get tricked by the looks of the spiritual words.

You're just looking at the empty half of the glass. While in fact:

• Empty=Full.
• Nothing=Everything.
• Illusion=Truth.

There are two reasons for why you shouldn't end your life.

1) The pain and fear are not worth it.

2) You don't know what is behind that door.

Please be safe my friend, we need you.

❤️

Edited April 7, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Kensho]

Stay around to enjoy the amazing feeling and the laughter after realizing the self-deception you have been trapped in.  

When the ego-mind has gone so deep in confusion as you seem, the epiphany of Truth may have Godly proportions. 

Remember Eckhart Tolle. The night he became enlightened he was in a similar state 

Be safe, be wise.

Edited April 7, 2019 by Kensho

[ajasatya]

On 06/04/2019 at 7:43 AM, Paul92 said:

Give me 1 reason to not end it now

nope. you have to find it yourself. if you haven't found it yet, look somewhere else.

[Joseph Maynor]

22 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Joseph Maynor  So what is it that says the ego is false?

The Mind.  

[tsuki]

On 6.04.2019 at 0:43 PM, Paul92 said:

As the title suggests, give me one reason.

Because once you harm your body past all hope, you will be freed from the burden of attachments that weigh you down.
At the same time, you will see that you can only live this blissfully, hopelessly, as long as your body is intact.
At that point, you will understand that you have made a mistake.

You could have given up all hope willingly and live in bliss, until the body decays by itself.
Keeping thoughts about suicide as your last resort, if you ever become too attached to enjoy the present moment.

Edited April 8, 2019 by tsuki

[Paul92]

It's tough guys, it really is. 

How can I go from having a lust for life to this. I just don't understand. 

I don't want to be God. I was me to be me, and you to be you. So life is precious but we make the best of it. I want us to have free will. 

Who created God? It just doesn't seem right. 

I spent the afternoon just fiddling about with some old guitars of mine. I loved playing my guitar. I love music. Now I just don't see the point. 

I kept just thinking why delay the inevitable. Just end it now. 

Where is the bliss in not exploring the world and just doing nothing? Where's the bliss in everything being the same thing?

I just don't get it. I really don't. 

[Dust2Life]

Paul, you need connection... Have you ever done an open mic? I play as well, and I can tell you that nothing will make you feel more alive than doing that for the first time. That feeling fades once you get comfortable up there, but you can find the same feeling in every other step into the unknown and uncomfortable. 

I am not one to tell you anything about anything spiritual. I am 100% focused on getting the most out of this life.. I don't know that I believe in anything else... However, no matter what you believe, I think getting the most out of this life is a good goal. 

You are stuck in some very dark headspace right now... but there will be good things if you keep trucking. Consider your future self.. what can you do so that he can exist and be happy? Serving that person is a purpose. Through service to him, you will be empowering him to serve others and find many meaningful ways to impact the world. 

Also, talk with somebody. What's the worst that can come of you having a conversation with somebody that can help you get through this challenging time in your life? Literally anything you can try is less drastic than what you are suggesting the solution is. 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

Remember that thinking that "this is all an illusion, people don't exist, everything is a dream" is a belief. And even if you had direct experiences of that, it could be just a delusion. 

Seek professional help. You're probably suffering from depression. Avoid spiritual content, they will likely only worsen your state of mind. 

And one thing that can help you is get together with a good friend. 

 

Hope you get better, man. 

Edited April 8, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Paul92 said:

Where is the bliss in not exploring the world and just doing nothing? Where's the bliss in everything being the same thing?

I just don't get it. I really don't. 

Perhaps you are missing the bliss, the magic. Perhaps you have an idea what the bliss and magic "should" be like and are therefore missing what is right under your nose. You would need to let go of that thought story about what bliss and magic "should" be like.

When one transcends the self, a whole new world arises. Beyond anything one can imagine. 

[Paul92]

@Dust2Life  Thanks for your comment. I play in a band. Have done since I was around 14. I love playing live. Problem is, I don't know who I am right now, or who anyone else is, nevermind what my future self would look like. And according to everyone on here, we're not even in control of 'us'. Which seems to be backed up by science, weirdly enough.

@Serotoninluv Believing I was an independent individual living on a lovely planet was good enough for me. It was blissful. Now, clearly my thoughts are not my own, so where are they coming from? And why? Why are we allowed to identify with out thoughts?

Oh I dare say it is lovely. I've just no idea how it is even possible. And why aren't we already there? Why isn't it a natural state?

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Paul92 said:

Believing I was an independent individual living on a lovely planet was good enough for me. It was blissful. Now, clearly my thoughts are not my own

If those thoughts are troubling, why not let the thoughts go and just be thoughtless?

[Dust2Life]

3 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Dust2Life  Thanks for your comment. I play in a band. Have done since I was around 14. I love playing live. Problem is, I don't know who I am right now, or who anyone else is, nevermind what my future self would look like. And according to everyone on here, we're not even in control of 'us'. Which seems to be backed up by science, weirdly enough.

 

 

That's advice that works for them... the truth is that none of us know who we are yet... we are all on the journey to figure it out.. Some people find spiritual ways to come to terms with that reality.. some people help others... some people drive themselves to the peak of some pursuit (athletics, music, chess, business, etc.). All you really have to do to serve your future self is to stay alive so he can exist... In comparison to your other option, that serves him 100% better... This site is called actualized... that's after Maslow's hierarchy. Maslow's hierarchy is really interesting and can explain a lot about why you, presumably a person that is able to meet your physiological and security needs, are turning on yourself....when people that can't meet those higher priority needs are fighting to live...They don't care what it all means.. they want to eat something.. they want to drink water.. they want warmth...they want a safe place to close their eyes... but they want all that life of fear more than you currently want your life of uncertainty.... Think about that.. think about the fact that you had to come through the stages that they are in...even if it was brief...  we all had to overcome those fears. .. here we are... with the freedom to figure out what we want to become....without fearing that we will starve to death.. that's a beautiful thing....

 

Life is a puzzle.... enjoy it... share it.. and keep making moves.. then one day, you'll find your personal truth and then you will have reached the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy by becoming self-actualized.     

Edited April 9, 2019 by Dust2Life

[SgtPepper]

because you don't actually want to end it.

you want to be in love and joyful. 

You are not seeing the whole picture my friend. I pose to you that if life is meaningless than why does it feel meaningful? Why do you feel? Why do you suffer? If life is pointless than why is it here and the way it is? From the ego, there is other people and you can love another.

May I suggest not questioning whether it has meaning or not. The meaning is to simply be, deeply within yourself, comfortable in your skin. You can't define the meaning, its beyond words, but it's there. 

Edited April 9, 2019 by SgtPepper

[Paul92]

I really don't think anyone understands.

@SgtPepper Of course I don't. But on the flip side of that, I simply do not see a way that I can ever feel normal again or have my own life back. It's impossible and that is all I want. To feel like I used to. To feel like Paul. And for me to see my loved ones as my loved ones. To have MY life.

I was always comfortable in my skin as 'Paul'. I had my faults but I was always the first to put my hand up and admit that. I tried to live an honest and decent life causing nobody any harm. I never had to work to be something, I was just who I was and I was happy with that.

Now everyone here is saying we have to destroy our sense of identity. There is no me and there is no you. We are all one. Controlled by something else. Destroy the Self.

And you can say this is all a belief. This is all a thought. Well, yes it is, but does that make it any less true? If all thoughts and beliefs are false, then why are we all on this forum stating our thoughts and beliefs about whatever this is? If we are not our thoughts, how did we ever reach the conclusions that many have reached here?

If I could just be Paul, and look after myself, and be that person, knowing that that was the truth, then I'd be happy enough. But there is no Paul, is there?

So, ultimately, I don't want to be here. Waking up this morning there was just an intense dread. There is no colour left. I'm sick of waking up in the morning knowing that today I must grind away at myself. I must destroy my identity. I must become nothing. Lose attachment to everything. ANd just 'be'. Be happy staring the walls in my house. Not having any opinions. Not having any goals. Just metabolizing air.  And you can say this is ego backlash or whatever. But at least as an ego, I experienced happiness. I experienced love and compassion to others. Now I'm supposed to destroy Paul and just be content that everything is already perfect. I'm tired of the word salads. I'm tired of the hypocrisy. I'm tired of the you are and individual, but you aren't, we are one. I'm tired of the empty is full and full is empty. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

Truth is, it makes no difference whether I throw myself off a bridge later today. And a lot of you are thinking that. Because there is no me. I never existed in the first place. It'll all just go dark and that it is it. Nothing scary about that is there? Oh but what about the people you care about. Hang about, 5 minutes ago everyone was saying that nobody exists. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

So fuck it. Why not.

[purerogue]

You can always take step back and take your life back, you want to forget, you can forget, you want emotions back, you can get them back , it is not one way street, I think problem is that you do not know which step to take. 

[Forestluv]

4 hours ago, Paul92 said:

Now everyone here is saying we have to destroy our sense of identity. 

That is not what everyone here is saying. Your thought story is playing so loud you cannot hear what some are saying. Let the cowbell guy rest for a bit - get curious and listen. 

I know it may seem like the best prescription to cure your fever, but I don’t think more cowbell is helpful here.

[theking00]

Life is amazing and beautiful