Let go of my parents?

[OrpheusNovum]

I've wanted to ask myself this question seriously for a while now, but seeing as it would require a radical change in my own perception of my identity, I've been avoiding it. Both of my parents are doctors, as well as neglectful and abusive alcoholics. My mother died in 2012, and my intuition awoke a few months before that to tell me it was going to happen before it did. She played the victim pretty hardcore and had me doing the same with multiple visits to the doctor for bullshit diagnoses that were actually the result of childhood trauma from their divorce battle, using us as pawns in their war. Dad could be physically abusive at his limits, although he never hit me, I can recall being thrown in my room rather aggressively a few times. The worst of it, however, is that they were both mean drunks. I can recall both of them telling me they wished I was dead at their drunkest moments, on separate occasions. A growing part of me thinks I should leave my family behind and live my own life. Input on this would be appreciated. 

[tsuki]

It depends on what do you mean by 'leaving them behind'.

If you try to simply bury your childhood without reconciling the feelings of hurt, it will give birth to shadows.
What was crucial in my development is understanding how this whole dynamic played itself out impersonally.
That each and every actor (including me) was reacting to their own feelings of hurt and dealt with them inappropriately.

This way you can own the responsibility of this situation and stand on equal footing with your parents without demonizing anybody.
From what I understand from your post (and please correct me if I'm wrong), you still feel very hurt and put whole responsibility on your parents.
I don't think that it is a good place to free yourself from your past.

[OrpheusNovum]

Trust me, that's been the bulk of my work. I have sought to understand the depths of their childhood abuse and neglect, look past it and love them in spite of it. I think I put a lot of responsibility on them, but at the same time I'm not really keen to blame myself (or perhaps accept responsibility) for what I did when I was 11 and had no frame of reference for how to behave outside of what I internalized from my parents.

[tsuki]

Still, you sound troubled. You doubt whether you should let them go, or not.
What stops you? What seems wrong about doing that?

[OrpheusNovum]

I question my motivation, in part. I'm also pretty heavily conditioned by the idea of loyalty and honor to family. There's also the fact that I'd love for my dad to grow as a person, but so far he's on his fourth marriage and can't see past a self-identification as a materialist. It's been extremely tense for a while, and I guess it would be accurate to say I don't think my loving him will be enough to change him, but I don't know that I can live with him being who he is.

[tsuki]

1. Why do you feel responsible for your father's actions?
2. Why is it your responsibility to grow him?
3. Would you, personally, benefit from the change you want to introduce to your father?

[OrpheusNovum]

5 minutes ago, tsuki said:

1. Why do you feel responsible for your father's actions?
2. Why is it your responsibility to grow him?
3. Would you, personally, benefit from the change you want to introduce to your father?

My higher self told me I want to be a hero. I remember growing up Christian and being terrified he would go to hell because he doesn't believe in god. I think that's part of the conditioning. Another part of it is trying to validate my self-image. So I don't believe I would benefit. I guess I'm only seeking to prop myself up here and try to fortify a paper heart.

[tsuki]

Nah-ah. Don't blame sweetheart. Don't blame him and don't blame yourself.

To prevent re-occurrence of your childhood in another setting is a reaction to your shadow.
Do you believe in free will? How does free will play into blame and guilt?

[mandyjw]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

[Jkris]

@mandyjw absence of? 

[OrpheusNovum]

43 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Nah-ah. Don't blame sweetheart. Don't blame him and don't blame yourself.

To prevent re-occurrence of your childhood in another setting is a reaction to your shadow.
Do you believe in free will? How does free will play into blame and guilt?

I don't believe in free will. I've seen past that illusion, albeit not completely. 

[tsuki]

2 minutes ago, OrpheusNovum said:

I don't believe in free will. I've seen past that illusion, albeit not completely. 

Does the lack of free will free you, or imprison you?
Can you blame and hold responsible if there is no free will? Can you be a hero if there is no free will?

[Truth Addict]

@OrpheusNovum

I used to hate my parents so much in the past, they were very abusive to me in my childhood, they'd hit me repeatedly and intensively. Let alone the abusive talk, and killing my self-esteem, and forcing me to work for 9 hours a day since I was 12 years old alongside studying.

But now that I let go of the past, I have nothing but compassion and mercy for them, because I understand that it's not their fault, they grew up in very much the same environment as mine, and even worse, so I figured that they did their best to not be like their parents.

Since I started my self-actualization process, I started to have an effect on them, and they started to change, I don't know how, but it's like magic, I did actually make them open to a lot of ideas that they themselves taught me how to hate and block them.

My father is still more rigid, and is still more troubled and hateful but I accepted him, and I figured out ways how to manipulate him for his own good, without him even knowing.

I want to break that chain, and I don't want my future children to suffer what I suffered.

It takes sometime to get there, I'm not fully over my childhood issues but I'm working and I will get there.

I hope you find some relief reading my story.

[OrpheusNovum]

54 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Does the lack of free will free you, or imprison you?
Can you blame and hold responsible if there is no free will? Can you be a hero if there is no free will?

It's freeing. Reminds me of Sadhguru referring to Shiva as a bottomless pit - if there's no bottom, there's no problem. You only have to worry if there's a bottom to the pit.

[tsuki]

1 minute ago, OrpheusNovum said:

It's freeing. Reminds me of Sadhguru referring to Shiva as a bottomless pit - if there's no bottom, there's no problem. You only have to worry if there's a bottom to the pit.

How does the dynamic of your childhood look from this perspective?

[OrpheusNovum]

3 minutes ago, tsuki said:

How does the dynamic of your childhood look from this perspective?

Inconsequential. Funny enough, I found out I'm good at something today that I never thought I'd have cared for. I used to tell myself I hated rap music, but apparently I can spit rhymes. Starting to realize I shut that out myself. We'll see if I do anything with it, though. I have other ideas.

@Truth Addict

Thanks for sharing, that does help.

[mandyjw]

3 hours ago, Jkris said:

@mandyjw absence of? 

@Jkris self. 

[Commodent]

You don't have to stay with your if you don't like to. Families are very much like mini-cults, so it can indeed be hard to break out of. But you have no obligations to stay in the system. From what you write I think it would be wise to break contact, if you can manage. Your father seems to drag you down.

Acceptance and forgiveness is not a virtue. They are feelings that might spontaneously arise once you've worked through your feelings of anger and hurt. Until then, do not force it. Blame them for what they did all you want, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's your psyche, so you're free to feel whatever you want. But act responsibly, particularly around children and other people on the lower end of a power dynamic. You might see intellectually how your parents became that way, but your feelings of blame are still there and should be given a voice if you want to heal fully. They are very valid emotions, because you were not treated fairly.

Edited April 6, 2019 by Commodent

[Matt8800]

@OrpheusNovum Get rid of ALL negativity in your life. If that includes family, so be it.

[LastThursday]

On 06/04/2019 at 7:27 AM, OrpheusNovum said:

A growing part of me thinks I should leave my family behind and live my own life

We all carry our parents inside of us wherever we go. Peace can only come from inside and asking yourself: "How am I like my parents?". What should you lose, and what should you keep? From there comes release, forgiveness and compassion. You'll know what to do from there on.