Results of dating with poor experience

[Incarnate]

This is hard to put out there but what the hell: I'm constantly thinking about a girl close to my age that I've built an attraction for the last months, she's in my university class. I asked her for a walk in the park the other day and we had a nice chat, however, not much physical escalation was done infact the hugs in the beginning and the end of our 1 hour walk was it. I know that she likes me otherwise she wouldn't join me but I with minimal knowledge of how these things should happen just tried to be casual and talk. Anyway, after our walk she gave me a hug and went back to her place, before that I suggested we could eat something together, however her roomate had already made dinner ready. Overall I got a good feeling out of it and felt alive, however, I know that it was far from the best date and that there were room for further improvement. Two days later I bump into her in a food store, we have a casual chat, I'd like to ask her out for a dinner but I just couldn't find the words, instead we come to the point were she excuses herself and continues to shop while I check out, there and then I feel what a mistake I've done. It was surely a turnoff, I could feel something wasn't right. So I start to feel this anxiety, a familiar one, that slowly made its presence stronger. I decided to send her a text in the late evening to ask her out for dinner, she responded 13 ours later! (even though she's been online earlier that morning) she said "Hi! I unfortunately have other plans" and nothing more, no follow-up suggesting another day, nothing! That drove me almost insane but I didn't do anything and knew it would only make things worse. The following day which is today, the smiles, the approaches, the conversations, all that was gone and instead converted to avoidance of eye contact and interaction. I kept my facade and interacted with other people as did she, we seemed not to exist to each other. My ego is suffering from rejection while my anxiety is dominant and is felt all around my body, a sensation uneasiness that won't leave me alone.  She's an introvert by nature, spiritual and looks great. She has much more experience in this field than I do as you can tell. How can I reverse this? What could possibly go through her mind? What would you do in my situation? What exactly did I do wrong through your eye and what would your next step be?

I've since many years ago been single, infact my whole life and I'm in my early 30's. Only 3 times in my entire life I've had sex with a girl that I was into. I had a career before I left the rat race on a journey to discover my new profession but in reality my new self and in particular in relation to the opposite sex. I've been depressed many times throughout the past 10-15 years. I've no problem interacting with people, I look decent and younger than my actual age, I meditate, visualize, read my affirmations and I pretty know my purpose. I take care of my self and have through personal development from various sources built up myself to the level that I'm today, but in this regard which is such a crucial area of a mans life I haven't even though I've studied it for nearly 10 years. I'm sexually frustrated and haven't had intimacy for f* 5 years now. This is as Zan Perrion beautifully put it "this is the fight of your life", it is, it really is. I reach out for your help. Thanks.

[outlandish]

Sounds to me like you hesitated too much, and made her a little uncomfortable. That doesn't mean it's too late, but you need to get better at "striking the iron while it's hot". 

Next step would be to just be nice to her, don't avoid eye contact or anything fake like that. Just be friendly with her, treat her like a friend not a target. If/when she reciprocates and becomes friendly with you again, you can ask her on a date or whatever. Maybe she will continue to reject you, but maybe she won't, you can only find out and gain experience either way.

[Incarnate]

13 minutes ago, outlandish said:

Sounds to me like you hesitated too much, and made her a little uncomfortable. That doesn't mean it's too late, but you need to get better at "striking the iron while it's hot". 

Next step would be to just be nice to her, don't avoid eye contact or anything fake like that. Just be friendly with her, treat her like a friend not a target. If/when she reciprocates and becomes friendly with you again, you can ask her on a date or whatever. Maybe she will continue to reject you, but maybe she won't, you can only find out and gain experience either way.

I appreciate your answer and yes that's a mature path which resonates with my character and therefore I won't play that game of avoiding her. Yes I could sense that she's uncomfortable initiating a conversation and even look at me, unlike our usual encounters.

I'm taking a step back, I got way too invested in the beginning and it was only 2 days after our first date that I made that suggestion; I didn't let her digest it and think it through before I contacted her again, a reaction of neediness.

Even though her level of attraction have decreased I believe that there's a chance that this could go well in the long run if I'm aware of my sensitive ego that distort the reality and keep listening to those with experience in this field. I got the advice to date other girls to get some experience. That's good advice the problem though is that dating websites and apps haven't worked for me personally and I've used these for years and payed a lot of money, however, I won't close that option entirely  since I need to change strategy and gain experience. I'm in favour of initiating contact face-to-face and there and then create a situation when her and I can meet exclusively, that's the ideal and that's what I didn't do in this case, I asked her out through social media. I see it as a challenge for next time.

The attraction I have for this girl was built with time and I'll probably see her at the uni later on today.

[Incarnate]

Here's an update: by now I've seen her at class a couple of times. She keeps being distant and avoids eye contact. We only said hi once, well kind of when I was discussing with a mutual friend. What the hell is going on? Why is she acting like this? I can't find any reason that justify such behavior. I just asked the girl out she replied that she can't and I can handle it even though it's a pain but what gets me is her cold and distant behaviour that leaves me clueless of what to do from now. I try to be centered but deep down I feel frustrated and clueless, so much that I don't dare to do anything at all. Have you ever experienced this? How did you resolve it? I'd appreciate your help and feedback on this.

[Dumb Enlightened]

6 hours ago, Incarnate said:

Here's an update: by now I've seen her at class a couple of times. She keeps being distant and avoids eye contact. We only said hi once, well kind of when I was discussing with a mutual friend. What the hell is going on? Why is she acting like this? I can't find any reason that justify such behavior. I just asked the girl out she replied that she can't and I can handle it even though it's a pain but what gets me is her cold and distant behaviour that leaves me clueless of what to do from now. I try to be centered but deep down I feel frustrated and clueless, so much that I don't dare to do anything at all. Have you ever experienced this? How did you resolve it? I'd appreciate your help and feedback on this.

I don't know if you believe this kinda stuff I'm gonna say now, but anyway. I believe in the Law of attraction and things like that, and I had experience with these things, when I wanted a girl too bad she would run away from me, when I couldn't care less, girls would fall from the sky, it's hilarious. So by wanting her too much you are keeping her away from you, you need to let go of desiring her while keeping and intention of having her, then she'll come after you. If you want to try this out, I highly suggest the letting go technique by David Hawkins, it works quite fast and you should see results.

Should you succeed in letting go, what you do after doesn't matter that much, and if she doesn't want you anymore a better girl will show up.

Edited April 11, 2019 by Dumb Enlightened

[universe]

You are leaving a lot of information out, from what I read it didnt seem like you made a huge fuck up anywhere. But its hard to say from an outside perspective.

How did you react after she texted you that she has plans after you asked her out for dinner?

After that decline from her and without any suggestions for other dates I would loose interest. Id then text a follow up maybe 1-2 weeks after.

But I see you want to persue this specific girl, I get it. Its ok.

Have you tried to get her to a walk again? Maybe she just isnt comfortable yet to get dinner with you. Or doesnt like dinner dates.

Next time you see her go and talk to her! Force it a bit. But dont act hurt. Just have a relaxed conversation with her. If she responds well and has time just stay in conversation (its your 2nd date, yay!). If she responds well to mildly ok but doesnt have time. Invite her to some activity you have planned today or next day (example: I wanted to go outside to the park/xyz later, do you want to come with me?). If she responds badly (like seems stressed and leaving asap) just say bye have a nice day or sth like that. The most important thing is that you stay chill/laid back no matter what. Positive vibes are always nice.

Thats important because you are in a situation where she cant avoid seeing you (university class). And you dont want to maker her uncomfortable. Most girls will have some kind of trauma with super-needy guys becoming a problem because they dont accept a no. And while being a bit aggressive can be good, its bad if she has no easy out, or if she already thinks you are a bit creepy (Im not sure about that).

[Incarnate]

19 hours ago, Dumb Enlightened said:

I don't know if you believe this kinda stuff I'm gonna say now, but anyway. I believe in the Law of attraction and things like that, and I had experience with these things, when I wanted a girl too bad she would run away from me, when I couldn't care less, girls would fall from the sky, it's hilarious. So by wanting her too much you are keeping her away from you, you need to let go of desiring her while keeping and intention of having her, then she'll come after you. If you want to try this out, I highly suggest the letting go technique by David Hawkins, it works quite fast and you should see results.

Should you succeed in letting go, what you do after doesn't matter that much, and if she doesn't want you anymore a better girl will show up.

 

Cheers for the comment and for the suggestion. I've by now checked some of David Hawkins material online, it looks good, I'd be thankful If you do you could send me a specific video/book that I can look into.

Yes I do, I certainly believe in the Law of Attraction and that definitely contributed to her being in my orbit. I visualize everyday, however, what's gone a bit difficult doing so over the last days is that the scenery isn't as clear as before, now I need to actually make an effort visualizing this girl and I together. I think this comes from my frustration of loss, of why she act as she does these days and why the hell I didn't take a step back after the first date and could've preserved some kind of mystique and prevented this outcome by pushing it as I did. A valuable nonetheless an expensive lesson. I know that no doors are closed entirely and that I actively need to continue work on these kinds of things (i.e. personal development) in order to succeed. It's hard not to desire but I'm getting there, the first thing or challenge ahead is to actually reengage some sort of a dialogue again like mature beings. It can't continue like this when especially since we are in the same class, it affects everything in a negative way, it has to be resolved.

 

18 hours ago, universe said:

You are leaving a lot of information out, from what I read it didnt seem like you made a huge fuck up anywhere. But its hard to say from an outside perspective.

How did you react after she texted you that she has plans after you asked her out for dinner?

After that decline from her and without any suggestions for other dates I would loose interest. Id then text a follow up maybe 1-2 weeks after.

But I see you want to persue this specific girl, I get it. Its ok.

Have you tried to get her to a walk again? Maybe she just isnt comfortable yet to get dinner with you. Or doesnt like dinner dates.

Next time you see her go and talk to her! Force it a bit. But dont act hurt. Just have a relaxed conversation with her. If she responds well and has time just stay in conversation (its your 2nd date, yay!). If she responds well to mildly ok but doesnt have time. Invite her to some activity you have planned today or next day (example: I wanted to go outside to the park/xyz later, do you want to come with me?). If she responds badly (like seems stressed and leaving asap) just say bye have a nice day or sth like that. The most important thing is that you stay chill/laid back no matter what. Positive vibes are always nice.

Thats important because you are in a situation where she cant avoid seeing you (university class). And you dont want to maker her uncomfortable. Most girls will have some kind of trauma with super-needy guys becoming a problem because they dont accept a no. And while being a bit aggressive can be good, its bad if she has no easy out, or if she already thinks you are a bit creepy (Im not sure about that).

 

Thanks a lot for the response, I appreciate it. Yes, I tried to give you a clear perspective of where I'm at and where I'd like to be.

I share your view on how I'd like to pursue things onwards. I visualized it and today I'm almost sure I saw her from far away while sitting in a meeting with group work at the library, anxiety came up, thoughts of failure and awkwardness came up, it was overwhelming, I didn't allow myself to rise up and walk towards her, this was what I thought a great opportunity but I hesitated. 3-4 minutes later I finally mustered the courage to pursue her, I said fuck these thoughts I have to do this, but it was too late I looked around, she wasn't there, nothing. Damn, the disappointment but I know there will be another chance soon as it has to be resolved.

To answer your question, I didn't react as in I didn't answer anything since I naturally, from an egoistic perspective, was disappointed and felt that I was ruled out, in one perspective that's good since I wasn't displaying any negative emotion. However, If I could turn back the clock I'd definitely write, "sure, get back to me when you're free" or something in that manner.

When it comes to taking a walk again with her, no I haven't asked her since her distant/ignoring behavior. That is in itself communication and it's up to me to understand how to deal with illogical behaviour and tap into her view of the situation. So far I have accepted the rejection but not her behaviour, that's the hard part. That is what I'm working on.

Yes I will, I'll initiate a conversation with her and have in mind not to fall into a victim mode, instead I'll just catch up to see how things are going and if everything is alright showing that I actually care, and I really do care I can't deny it. That's it, I won't set a date at that moment unless we are already on our way home, then I'd suggest we take a walk. My intention is to show that I understand and do this slowly over time, If she's inviting and start showing signals of interest I'll set a date, if not well that's her loss, I move on somehow, even if it's painful just thinking about it, but at the same time I'll leave the door open.

Yes, I more and more do believe and imagine that she felt uncomfortable after seeing that text and therefore decided to act as she does the last days, that's why I'm just going to have, as you mentioned, a relaxed conversation with positive vibes her to start without any expectations, however, with clear intent.

 

18 hours ago, see_on_see said:

Sorry to tell you, but it sounds like you have no clue how attraction works at all, and you sound super needy and with zero confidence.

You also have a bad case of one-itis which is natural when in such scarcity and total cluelessness with women. 

As for the girl, you pretty much blew it when you didn't kiss her on the first date. She friendzoned you, and you only made things worse by continuing to chase her. Stop contacting her completely and forget about her. 

Focus on other women. In the all the months you have been obsessing about this girl, you could have literally dated dozens of other women. Forget about dating apps and such nonsense, go out and do approaches. Approach 5-10 girls a day. Learn how approaching and attraction work, get plenty of practice seducing women, create abundance for yourself so you don't fall into one-itis and girls will actually start to chase you not the other way around. 

Read "3% man" by Corey Wayne, and I recommend RSD Max and RSD Todd for daygame cold approach. 

I recommend you take cold approach seriously, it will take time to master but it will totally transform your life beyond your wildest dreams. It's like a cheat code for dating.

 

Thanks for letting me know, yes you are absolutely right about the neediness, confidence and that I have one-itis. I'm a novice in this area considering the very few dating experiences I've gained over time.

It's hard for me to find women that I really like, my interest level develops over time, a combination of physical attractiveness with a great personality. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is if I don't like her personality then almost nothing can change my perspective, that's why I've deep down always disliked the meat market (clubs/bars etc.).

These women have been hard to find, I'm almost always surprised of how attraction develops over time, that I can develop affection and desires for a girl that I in the beginning didn't think of as a potential girlfriend. That's really strange, so before I can set myself straight I'm already intoxicated. That's a problem when I don't really know how to seduce or have the necessary confidence to pursue, I don't see it before it's too late. The girl sees me, likes my personality, decides to give direct and indirect signals. Shortly after emotions come, anxiety comes, I pursue without the necessary experience and here I am thinking of how I'm going to improve the situation that I'm in.

I love to focus on other women, I've so far gone out a few times to meet other people but she's there in the back of my head. Her case isn't resolved and until it isn't I have to have enough courage to handle it.

Thanks for the recommendations, yes I know about Corey Wayne, his book is excellent. I read it back in 2016 but unfortunately didn't have it in mind before this happened. Recently when've once again picked it up and intensively listened to the book a couple of times over I realized that I could've literary have changed the situation I'm in.

RSDMax has some pretty good advice but I haven't checked out RSDTodd . I've gone to a free seminar with to hear Julian talk 3 years ago. But overall Corey Wayne and James Marshall's TNL approach fits my personality better than the RSD approach.

I've looked in material like this ever since 'The Game' came out, I read a lot, checked out countless of videos etc., problem is I didn't take any real action. Yes, I agree cold approach is great for losing fear and to build my confidence and as you said to create abundance, something I want to develop, however, I need someone who can help me out.

 

[Good-boy]

Don't be a nice guy, simply show her your bad side and you would be able to bang her. Maybe that's what she was expecting from you. ?

[Dumb Enlightened]

17 hours ago, Incarnate said:

 

Cheers for the comment and for the suggestion. I've by now checked some of David Hawkins material online, it looks good, I'd be thankful If you do you could send me a specific video/book that I can look into.

 

Check out this video buddy

[Incarnate]

22 hours ago, Dumb Enlightened said:

Check out this video buddy

 

I appreciate it, thanks

 

On 4/12/2019 at 9:34 PM, Good-boy said:

Don't be a nice guy, simply show her your bad side and you would be able to bang her. Maybe that's what she was expecting from you. ?

 

Next time I see her, I'm going to take a moment to talk to her while being as authentic as possible and push through my comfort zone, without any expectations.

 

Edited April 14, 2019 by Incarnate

[Shakazulu]

HEY BROTHER I FEEL YOU. BUY https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Preventive-Medicine-ebook/dp/B00UERQSFU

 

look at reviews and base you decision of that. I say you should read more existential books. Try and change your perspective of seeing woman in a superficial manner. I need help on this stuff too. You ain't alone 

[Incarnate]

On 4/17/2019 at 2:54 AM, Shakazulu said:

HEY BROTHER I FEEL YOU. BUY https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Preventive-Medicine-ebook/dp/B00UERQSFU

 

look at reviews and base you decision of that. I say you should read more existential books. Try and change your perspective of seeing woman in a superficial manner. I need help on this stuff too. You ain't alone 

 

Thanks a lot for the suggestion Shakazulu, after have been looking at the reviews it clearly looks very interesting. Have you read the first one in the series? If so what are your thoughts on 'The Rational Male'?