Do I try again with my husband?

[SammyJ]

It’s a long and complicated story but short story is: we got married and tried to blend two families with disastrous results. I take my responsibility so it as I failed to cope with his very overbearing and histrionic daughter with little to no support from him. We were never a solid force and as a result it crumbled badly. We were also codependent especially him as he needed me so much and I had been so independent that I didn’t need him as much.

BUT he is a great person and I enjoy him so even though I’ve left and bought my own house we have tried again and again to get back together. Each time it’s passionate in the beginning then his neediness together with my unresolved issues from the past - rejection and abandonment issues (that fueled my leaving) get in the way and bang it’s over. Each time he is devastated and goes through tremendous depression.

i bring my own codependent issues as I fear being alone and he is great company and we do have fun. SO I had been working on myself with all Leo’s help and so much came to the surface. I realise that it’s all me and I take 100% responsibility for the marriage failing and the consequencial getting together and breaking up again (possibly 5 times now). However I had a semi episode where my emotions took over and I thought he had moved on. I contacted him again asking for one more chance to fix it. We met, he looked broken but we agreeed that this is it - the last chance. 

I think I’ve fucked up. I don’t believe I should have suggested it and I think I am holding him to ransom. My question is do you think a relationship like this can be fixed? Or is it doomed and we should let it go? I just know if it goes wrong it will break him as he does no inner work on himself at all. 

? help 

[legendary]

23 hours ago, SammyJ said:

We were also codependent especially him as he needed me so much and I had been so independent that I didn’t need him as much.

It seems that his neediness is driving you away. Does he have a strong life purpose outside your relationship? 

There seems to be a reverse polarity going on here. If he wants you more than you want him, he will continue to drive you away.

23 hours ago, SammyJ said:

i bring my own codependent issues as I fear being alone and he is great company and we do have fun.

Based on the limited knowledge I have about you two, it seems that you keep going back to him out of a need for security and comfort, and not out of genuine attraction for him. Ask yourself: If another man who was better than your ex at everything came in your life, would you still want to be with your ex? Maybe you would, if you think he understands you better than anyone else, makes you laugh, etc. If that is the case, he needs to get his act together. 

And you also need to work on your abandonment issues, regardless of whether you want to get back with your ex or you want to be with someone else.

On 4/4/2019 at 8:16 AM, SammyJ said:

However I had a semi episode where my emotions took over and I thought he had moved on. I contacted him again asking for one more chance to fix it. We met, he looked broken but we agreeed that this is it - the last chance. 

It seems like you are not attracted to him, but want him to be ready to accept you whenever you want. That's your neediness and desire for relational security getting  in the way. A relation based on fear and neediness is not a healthy one.

Only you two can make a decision about whether to stay together or call it quits. You can ask yourself:

- Do you two grow more by being together or by being separate? In what ways do you serve each other and add value to your lives and in the lives of your family?

- Why does he want you more than you want him? Is it because he truly loves you, or is it because he cannot get any other woman in his life?

- Are you both genuinely attracted and love each other?

Wish you all the best:)

[SammyJ]

Thank you so much for your insight. It was spot on and the answer was with me all the time. Perhaps I also need to work on my need for external validation and on my lack of security in my own decisions. We most definitely do not work together and your question about ‘if another man would present himself’ is a pivotal one - the answer is I would forgot about the marriage in an instant.

Time to do a lot of work on myself and time to become self actualised. Again thank you for taking the time to answer my question it helped ao much x

Edited April 5, 2019 by SammyJ

[Joseph Maynor]

Give it another shot.  Maybe you can keep a notebook or something and note down all these issues so you can identify them and work on them with him one at a time.  Prioritize the issues and deal with the most urgent ones first.  It sounds like you guys have something there, it just needs to be tweaked.  Corrections still need to be made to bring the relationship into deeper authenticity.  But I think you can take the laboring oar and locate the key issues to work on and deal with those with him first, so you're not trying to do everything at once and thereby doing everything badly because you're trying to do everything at once.  You can organize the issues in your relationship, put them into a punchlist, and tick them off one at a time as you monitor and deal with them.  You can even make a project binder with a single page for each issue, and you can note your ongoing progress as to each issue in the project binder.  That's a little hardcore, but relationships are important, and in those cases you gotta be organized with how you expend your energy and what you work on.

 

Edited April 6, 2019 by Joseph Maynor

[Cosmo]

It sounds like you're stuck in a cycle. Maybe the 4th time you get back together will really be the one! Or maybe on the 6th try, that initial burst of excitement and passion will last longer than before...

I've witnessed so many relationships based on convenience and the fear of the unknown. But if you're the catch in this relationship and there is hundreds of guys out there, somehow I think you will be fine if you look elsewhere. I would understand however if you feel that you don't have enough free time to look for someone else.

At that point I guess you would need to weigh up short term convenience against long term happiness.

[SammyJ]

UPDATE we tried and lasted a little over 2 weeks! Leo is right DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR EX they are an ex for a very good reason ?