Addiction, art and penguins

[OrpheusNovum]

I'm going to keep this journal for day-to day recording of my eating, youtubing and social media habits to stay accountable to myself and record progress. Addiction is, after all within the mindset and not the substance itself. This will be somewhat personal, and may also include existential questions, personal confessions or deconstructive analyses. 

To start, I should focus on yesterday. I bought a bottle of wine - I was fairly sure I shouldn't have, which was confirmed by the fact I finished it by night's end. Drinking tends to exacerbate my binges, which of course follows with self-worth issues. Often I attempt to counter issues of self-worth with delusions of grandeur, plans of fame and an immaculate life, which of course only serve to inflate my ego. I can't recall how many hot dogs I had, it was at least 4, as well as yogurt with granola and bananas that was meant to last me 3-4 days, but only lasted 1 1/2. As I'm typing this out, I'm embarrassed and ashamed. Food addiction is stigmatically the "most pathetic" and least recognized of addictions (although I've heard rumor it will be added in the DSM-VI upon its update). Pain is something I make great effort to justify through using beauty as an excuse, knowing full well that I'm a MASTERFUL bullshit artist of the highest degree, something I take pride in during moments of egoic delusion. I hope in writing this journal that I can finally gain clarity into the underlying cause of my addiction, and finally get that damn story started that I've been sitting on for the last 11 years.

Edited April 4, 2019 by OrpheusNovum

[OrpheusNovum]

Woke up late today, so far I've had some chicken and carrots, a banana a bottle of kombucha. Started my day watching penguin videos, and holy hell does that put me in a great place. I realised that my lack of goalsetting has become an issue, so I set two year-long goals for myself. The first of which Is to drop 80 pounds within the next 13 months, by my birthday next year. The second is to book a volunteer trip a year from now to somewhere in the world that I can aid in penguin conservation, because all of my emotional blockages pass much, much easier when I'm being loved on by animals, especially sweet little waddling fluffy squawk factories.

Note to God - please let me die crushed under a pile of sweet, floofy penguin chickies, not unlike the one pictured below.

Edited April 4, 2019 by OrpheusNovum

[zambize]

9 minutes ago, OrpheusNovum said:

Woke up late today, so far I've had some chicken and carrots, a banana a bottle of kombucha. Started my day watching penguin videos, and holy hell does that put me in a great place. I realised that my lack of goalsetting has become an issue, so I set two year-long goals for myself. The first of which Is to drop 80 pounds within the next 13 months, by my birthday next year. The second is to book a volunteer trip a year from now to somewhere in the world that I can aid in penguin conservation, because all of my emotional blockages pass much, much easier when I'm being loved on by animals, especially sweet little waddling fluffy squawk factories.

Note to God - please let me die crushed under a pile of sweet, floofy penguin chickies, not unlike the one pictured below.

Im glad you changed the name of your journal to include penguins Haha, also sounds like you're off to a good start which is always great 

[OrpheusNovum]

@zambize Yeah, I wanted something that made me excited to journal in the lows. Plus it's a 152838% proven sciencified fact that it's impossible to be sad looking at penguins. Also requires me to contextualize the negative with humor.

Edited April 4, 2019 by OrpheusNovum

[OrpheusNovum]

Went overboard with food again today, dealing with shame as I write this out. I'm also getting frustrated with the fact that I still haven't created anything palpable for the animated series/comic I've had sitting in my mind for so long. I have tons of ideas, but have not strung any of them together in a presentable fashion, and technology continues to be both a crutch and an escape. 

As I envision writing my story, I notice myself trying to bait myself into writing with promises of fame and greatness if I'm able to put something together. On the flipside, I'm also concerned that nobody will read it, and I'll have poured so much energy and thought into something that was never worth it in the first place.

[OrpheusNovum]

3 A.M. right now, woke up halfway through the night, and I'm seriously fighting the urge to snack beyond the banana I had to fill me up. I know the moment I get started I'm going to lose control. 

I'm also a bit neurotic because I was planning to go perform stand-up with someone I really care about tonight, and they've had to reschedule on me the last two times, the first time for a family event and the second she got in a car accident. I've been debating the merits of keeping this person in my life - I have a habit of detaching and withdrawing when things get too painful. She's been drinking a lot more than I'm comfortable with, although she's made the admission she's gone overboard. I honestly think the people she hangs out with don't do her any favors, she's looking for validation and the next dopamine fix in her relationships, even though it's not the person I saw beneath that. She has taught me a lot about myself and my unhealthy patterns, and I know I can do the same for her. I know that this can get unhealthy if I'm not careful, but I believe love can bring the real her out of her shell.

[OrpheusNovum]

 

AWESOME video. Going deep tonight.

[OrpheusNovum]

I finally asked myself the question about why I'm so ashamed and fearful of my weight. The answer I came up with is that my weight became an identity I attached to to avoid the pain of home life. I can see that this identity was a way to cope for me, and that I no longer need it. It's terrifying to let go, but freeing.

Also made the commitment to stop drinking for good. I'm tired of seeing people I love die and waste their lives. 

Lost a friend this week, someone I was interested in. We kept rescheduling to do open mic comedy, and then she never responded when we were supposed to go. I guess this is the catalyst I needed to finally get off my ass and go do pickup.

Edited April 11, 2019 by OrpheusNovum

[OrpheusNovum]

Back to the basics.

[OrpheusNovum]

Took a nap and had a pretty vivid dream. It would seem that someone somewhere wants me to understand something about myself in this world. I'll post the story as follows.

 

I'm in a car with a man I knew somehow. His daughter is missing, presumed dead by fault of wild animal. He's angry - understandably - enough to bring his shotgun with him. He drives down a dead end. It was a small peninsula by a lake, and a wolf comes out of its den by under a tree and walks over to the side of the car. The man takes a few shots, but somehow misses (odd for a shotgun, but hey, it's a dream).

 

I get out of the car, and I must have had something like a heavy stick or something to beat the wolf to death with. I back up onto a ledge and start thinking about how to take this thing out when I start to realize that the wolf has been relatively calm through the whole process. Out of eyesight of the man still sitting in his car, the wolf looks at me, almost lovingly as the emotion wells up within my body. I know in that moment I want no part in killing the wolf, and the dream ends as I wake up.

[OrpheusNovum]

Self-reflecting about porn, and why I started watching it so young. I found porn when I was 10, and got curious about it from that moment onwards. For a long time I've used it as a coping mechanism to provide a false sense of desirability and self-love. I know I need to commit to nofap, and I often make the excuse that it's hard. I think that along with cleaning up my diet and committing to not drinking anymore, I will be a new man.

Edited April 12, 2019 by OrpheusNovum