Dating Whilst Self Actualizing

[kindayellow]

Okay so I'm conflicted. I want a relationship, I don't need a relationship, or emotional support, I'm clear on the idea of most relationships being distractions and I've gone through that myself. The problem is, the way attraction works, doesn't really comply with self actualization, I don't think.

 

Okay so like, you're talking to a girl, and you don't want to always be available. You want to have stuff going on that means there's time for the girl to think about you etc. But for me, like I'm generally doing nothing all day. I write in my journal at night every few days, I watch Leo's videos most every night, not a full one at that. And I'm working on being on reducing how much low consciousness activity I'm engaging in (I'm currently unemployed at home all day also). So I never have plans, I broke off from my old friend group, rarely see family. So I'm kinda always free, but I don't want to be always free, I enjoy the me time and that's important, but there's just parts of my day where I'm available to do whatever. I just find the dynamics of dating and Self Actualizing colliding on multiple different levels. Id appreciate some words of advice, thanks guys. (And girls)

[NoSelfSelf]

Find a list of top 5 activities you enjoy the most and do them...

[NoSelfSelf]

I forgot to say its not about faking that you are busy but actually create the life you really love and a girl is just an add on if you dont create life you really enjoy you will be needy and ruin attraction etc..

[outlandish]

I agree with what noSelfSelf has said, and also would like to add that if you have the calling to be dating and that it's colliding with self-actualizing, then that's a clue that the problem is with your conception of the self-actualizing part.

Self-actualizing is about actualizing your greater self, and in this case your greater self is sending you the calling to date/form a romantic relationship. So you need to find a way to align your life with this, and not look at it as an either/or situation.

You have it backwards - attraction complies completely with self-actualization. If you're finding that you are unattractive, it's probably a sign that you're not really self-actualizing the way you think you are.

[bejapuskas]

@kindayellow  You can have a meaningful relationship, that is not a distraction with almost anyone. Just go to some social events and break the social barriers that you probably have, it will feel great. You can listen to the people to learn more about life, they can help you solve some problems or give you life advice if you feel like they are more experienced. (stay humble) Also you can just have fun and enjoy life with them  

As @outlandish  says, many people fall into this trap of thinking, that they are moving forward in their lives, when they are actually just watching videos and getting ideas about life, without doing anything. (I don't know if this is your case, just think about it for a second) They are actualized only in their heads, according to what someone else has told them, that is good. You are free, you don't have to be anyone else's slave. Just follow the good feeling, it will show you the way. If you feel bad, you are doing something wrong, gotta find that thing.

I agree with  @NoSelfSelf  on that, that you should probably find a hobby. Do you exercise? Do you meditate for an hour every single day? Do you read? Do you have meaningful conversations? There are like so many things you can do with this life, stop wasting your time. It is not all about getting ideas, you need to balance the theory and practice.

[kindayellow]

@bejapuskas @NoSelfSelf @outlandish

Okay so NoSelfSelf...

I do engage in things I actually enjoy, often, and that is self actualization related, I also enjoy looking after my dog and keeping him entertained, taking him out to new places etc. And I don't know if this counts as stuff I enjoy but I enjoy scrolling through reddit, playing some games, but I wanna eventually cut those things out my life, Id never list those things as hobbies, just stuff that keep my mind entertained.

 

Outlandish,

I'd say my problem is more about dating than maintaining a relationship, about creating that initial attraction, but the conventional ways of that just don't resonate with me. Things about like being on my "grind", like right now, I'm not grinding for anything other than looking for work, which doesn't take up much time. And no I don't see myself as unattractive, I think I am an attractive person generally speaking. 

 

Bejapuskas,

Yeah I have made real growth and positive change in my life the last year, i watched Leo's video on fake vs real growth and I definitely resonated with what he was describing as real growth, actively made changes in my life, and i meditate not as often as I should and write in a journal every other day.

 

[NoSelfSelf]

@kindayellow you need a purpose thats male energy if you dont have it you wont be attractive in a long run...and those activities is not a lifestyle you want as an end resault

[kindayellow]

@NoSelfSelf ah, that's a gem, I have no real purpose, ive only just watched Leo's video on wage slavery and I enjoy giving people my advice, so I think I may save up money and take a life coaching course, my plans can change though since I've only just started taking this more seriously

[bejapuskas]

10 hours ago, kindayellow said:

@NoSelfSelf ah, that's a gem, I have no real purpose, ive only just watched Leo's video on wage slavery and I enjoy giving people my advice, so I think I may save up money and take a life coaching course, my plans can change though since I've only just started taking this more seriously

It happened to me before, that I was giving people advice without working hard on myself and I felt into hypocrisy, not really living my words. It's nice that you do all this stuff, but maybe you need to be more honest about yourself.

Edited April 5, 2019 by bejapuskas

[kindayellow]

@bejapuskas i don't regularly give people advice, it's a rare occurrence, I'm very focused on myself and my own growth

[JohnnyBravo]

Ok Kindayellow

Go into the world and do some activities that require being out of the house, social involvement and also exercise. Not those three things together but seperatly (or together).

Are you exercising every single day and not skipping a single day? (Akin to meditating every day for at least 15 minutes or an hour, without skipping a single day?). If you are cool. If you are not, begin walking round the suburbs or parks or wherever is available to you for 30-60 minutes per day.

If you have the finances and resources, start:

• boxing classes
• Attending meetup groups (some require zero money)
• do a yoga class, yes, even a silly commercialised one for the sake of getting out
• If you do pickup, begin going to clubs and bars again every night. Dont have to spend money on drinks, just get out there, get a water, dance and mingle and leave it and there and go home
• You dont see your family and broke off from friends, that is ok, no judgement. But if you feel there is something missing, set the intention to meet new friends (including a girlfriend)

 

Small changes bring big, big, big results when done with consistency. So don't feel at all pressured to feel like you have to do everything to big extremes.

Just pick a SMALL change at your pace. These are just ideas. Is there anything more specific you want to know/ask?

[bejapuskas]

10 hours ago, kindayellow said:

@bejapuskas i don't regularly give people advice, it's a rare occurrence, I'm very focused on myself and my own growth

@kindayellow Then it's cool  Once you free your mind a bit more, it will be ready to act.

[kindayellow]

@JohnnyBravo i exercise every day yeah, and right now I don't have the finances to do that stuff. 

And okay with some of the stuff you mentioned, I can't help but resist with the idea that, I shouldn't be entertaining myself with things in the outside world, and that the answer is within me, and that I just don't need to do any of that to improve my situation. 

I'm aware of how that is a healthy mindset, but also possibly a self deceptive mindset. I struggle with socializing, on a purely smalltalk kind of level, I'm a million times more comfortable opening up and talking about something I actually care about and being authentic. 

[bejapuskas]

34 minutes ago, kindayellow said:

@JohnnyBravo i exercise every day yeah, and right now I don't have the finances to do that stuff. 

And okay with some of the stuff you mentioned, I can't help but resist with the idea that, I shouldn't be entertaining myself with things in the outside world, and that the answer is within me, and that I just don't need to do any of that to improve my situation. 

I'm aware of how that is a healthy mindset, but also possibly a self deceptive mindset. I struggle with socializing, on a purely smalltalk kind of level, I'm a million times more comfortable opening up and talking about something I actually care about and being authentic. 

There are many social barriers and fears that you can overcome by socializing, don't underestimate that!  I was on a social event in February and it really helped me become more authentic and free. I mostly just had fun with the people there, as I am ok with doing that, but then, when we shared our instagram accounts and stuff, I learnt so many more things. It was the same people that were partying, that could then talk with me about Ken Wilber, Spiral Dynamics, spirituality, psychedelics... They were so open, much more open than I anticipated them to be.

[JohnnyBravo]

@kindayellow

You say, you know all the answers are inside and you dont want to be dependent on the outside for answers. 

It is correct the answer comes from inside.

It is incorrect you know that! If you genuinly knew that so definitly, you would not bother posting. You would not have this dilemma. You would not find your personality of socialising a problem. You would not question these things.

Dont just listen to me, or Leo, or what the forum says, or what this religion says, or what society says, or what this guru believes.

Learn and experience FOR YOURSELF!! You have too many borrowed opinions and a set code of knowledge that you carry. Drop it.

 

Maybe the answers can come outside. Maybe going inside is not the answer.

 

Dont be scares of learning the hard way in life. The hard way, where you choose on your own, is the most effective way.

And me saying that, is again knowledge another source is tryin to dump onto you. If it sounds good you will agree or disagree.

Feel for yourself the solution. You want girlfriend but I believe you are scared to admit you want help or you want the forum to give you permission to chase girls.

I give you permission to not need permission from anyone except yourself.

[kindayellow]

@JohnnyBravo

I really appreciate your comment, infact my viewpoint has changed. When I wrote this, I was under the belief that I need to act a certain way to attract girls (which is generally still true) and that any desire I have to act another way comes from a place of insecurity and is something I shouldn't listen to. And that I need to be an alpha male, I listened to the second part of "how to be a man" which leo made and Its one of the better and more useful videos I've watched from him so far. To be masculine is to be authentic and true to you. My version of masculine may include me being girly and weird or emotional, and that I should just do as I please and let my experience change my mindset. 

[JohnnyBravo]

A man that has courage to be girly, is a God.

Yes that Part 2 Video is probably my favourite video of Leos.

Its an absolute Reality Joke when you realise one day that FULLY being yourself is automatically the highest peak of energy and attraction and life. This is really, really, the only purpose of life: to fully, wholly, totally, intensively be yourself to the max at all risk.......to the point where you realise you are God (too advanced for me right now).

The bigger joke is when you then have this realisation and see these rsd and Elliot Hulse idiots and their hypermasculinity doing everything they can to be beyond macho.

And what relief to know you never had to be any of that.

[kindayellow]

I was smiling like an idiot by the end of it, amazing video, I honestly can't believe this information is free on YouTube, its amazing stuff

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 03/04/2019 at 3:54 PM, kindayellow said:

And I'm working on being on reducing how much low consciousness activity I'm engaging in (I'm currently unemployed at home all day also). So I never have plans, I broke off from my old friend group, rarely see family. So I'm kinda always free, but I don't want to be always free, I enjoy the me time and that's important, but there's just parts of my day where I'm available to do whatever. I just find the dynamics of dating and Self Actualizing colliding on multiple different levels. Id appreciate some words of advice, thanks guys. (And girls)

First of all, stop defining things as "low consciousness". Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is to have a beer with your friends. 

Second, 

 

Careful not to put yourself in a bubble. Spirituality can be used to bypass wordly problems. I speak from personal experience. I had a phase that I was rebelling against the world. All I wanted to do is meditate. I thought it was the most important thing in life. But it's certainly not. Human connection is far more important, from my experience. 

 

Check the motivational model hierarchy of needs by Abraham Maslow: 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjl7IWN1r_hAhVIHbkGHWltB1QQjRx6BAgBEAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.simplypsychology.org%2Fmaslow.html&psig=AOvVaw1nz4_oK6azTHjfWVY873yx&ust=1554784592654070

 

All the best ?

[Joseph Maynor]

I feel like I'm in the space in my life where an intimate relationship with a woman is really causing me a lot of growth.  But think this depends on the particular Path of the person.