Conversation problem, mind block! Advice, please?!

[Uncover]

Hi, I'm 23 years old male. I have this problem that I can't have a real conversation. I've always had this problem, and I'm struggling to do better. All that I do most of the time is agree, nod my head and smile. For other people, conversations seem to be effortless and enjoyable. For me they are a struggle.

If I'm really excited about a subject and I'm able to talk with someone for 5-10 minutes, after that my mind goes blank, maybe I  would even start daydreaming. My mind is always like this, it seems to always be thinking of something, but nothing in particular. When there are 3-4 people in a group, I can't really talk, almost at all. They would always say "say something, Johnny, don't be so quiet." With one person I can manage to do pretty well if we have common interests. When someone speaks I would just retreat, I feel that they have always something more important to say. That my opinion is irrelevant. Maybe it is also an influence from childhood, of my alcoholic father..? When I said something when he drank, my words always backfired at me and hurt a lot. Maybe that's when I subconsciously decided to keep quiet. Because is safer..? What should I do now? It's like my mouth is sealed. Even a psychologist tried to make me talk more. Once he said that he won't say a word till I speak. So we stayed in awkward silence for ~15 mins when he decided to say something. 

My thoughts come a lot easier in writing. And I also enjoy spending a lot of time alone, most of it at the computer. Good thing that I'm an accountant, me and my invoices.  Seriously now, it really affects my life in all aspects, especially on a professional level, in advancing in my career. I will do anything to be able to express myself more clearly. 

[Salvijus]

I don't understand how exacly but sadhguru and his programs did the trick for me. And i had about 2.5years of meditation experience, vippassana, mindfulness, self-enquiry. It was helpful but not fully satisfying. Sadhguru was the guy who really gave me what i was looking for for many years. I was struggling with the same thing like you since middle-school days. i know how it feels

Edited April 2, 2019 by Salvijus

[Charlotte]

@Uncover I'd say this comes down to a reflection of how you truly feel about yourself and your projecting onto other. E.g.

2 hours ago, Uncover said:

I feel that they have always something more important to say. That my opinion is irrelevant.

Are you seeing a therapist currently?

[Truth Addict]

There is always something to talk about. And if there is none, that's just another topic to talk about.

You just need more experience.

• Be the active side of the conversation.
• Create stories. People love stories.
• Watch some comedy movies and series, they will help you with your sense of humour.
• Watch some YouTube videos on this topic.
• Talk about your experiences.
• Be confident.
• Try not to be always precise.
• Leave room for error.
• Accept when someone corrects you.
• Always focus on the positive side. But don't ignore the negative, just make it feel less real, and give hope.
• Don't think too much of what you say. People usually don't think through everything you say, they just pick the vibe.
• Talk about how you feel. People usually appreciate feelings more than logic.
• Work on your body language.
• Be detached of the outcome, let the conversation be innocent and natural.
• Don't be afraid of anything, believe it or not, people don't usually underestimate you unless you give them a reason to.
• Notice how a cool person acts, learn from them, talk with them.
• Notice how a cool person can make a dumb topic very interesting, learn how to do so.

These are some ideas for you, and you can pick what you feel is right for you.

It's not a formula, practice makes perfect.

Edited April 2, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Karla]

@Uncover interesting. How about more 1 on 1 convos with people with similar interests?

Nothing wrong with expanding where you have some level of comfort and going from there. Like "baby steps".

There is something to be said about focusing outwardly to get out of our mind-- enjoying nature or conversation is good.

Couple of suggestions-- 

1.Try regular exercise or movement-- something to help you feel more comfy, even yoga. To get out of your head, into your body. Honestly I think ppl underestimate this.

2. The sentence completions in the book-- The Art of Living Consciously by Nathaniel Branden, might be a good start... There is an example in there that comes to mind from what you described.

One day, you'll be great at all kinds of expression... Of course.

[purerogue]

Well you problem is very simple, low self esteem and losing awareness, you see awareness can let you get in conversation without mind distracting you , instead of you identifying with thoughts, clinging to them which leads to such low self esteem reactions  , you can let them be, but stay calm , unfazed.

There are other things ofc that are easier , like focus on breath instead of stupid thoughts when you interfere with people, but  I would suggest first option for other benefits. 

Edited April 5, 2019 by purerogue

[Gabriel Antonio]

I feel you, man. Welcome to the Social Anxious group lol 

It's a very complicated thing... there's nothing I can say that will make you feel comfortable expressing yourself, but know it that it is possible. What's helped the most is having 2-3 friends who I can feel really at ease with, someone who I can really trust that like me no matter what I do or don't do. By cultivating these friendships, I gain self-confidence to talk with other people.