Wanting To Die But Never Suicidal

[kindayellow]

Okay so first of, I generally consider myself an emotionally stable person that sometimes suffers from some form of social anxiety and panic attacks, way more so in the past before I started self actualizing. I'm not diagnosed with anything, never been tested, because I don't feel like its that serious but saying that may just be being ignorant.

 

But last night I was walking my dog on the golf course, a big wide open golf course with a nice cool temperature. And I talk to myself when I'm walking the dog as like a journal entry but without he journal, and I just felt very contempt in the moment, at peace. And I just thought that I'd be okay with dying right now. and then i had like a third person thought after that of like.. "well no, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm yet to experience even higher levels of happiness yet." and then I thought like imagine if tonight was the night I just decided to kill myself. I never had a thought like that before, but I realised I was just being kinda crazy, i just took a few deep breathes and carried on with my walk. 

I struggle now thinking about me in the future. I feel like I may die young, because I struggled with xxxtentacion dying so young and that whole thing just broke my heart, I'm now in a much happier place with that now and I use him as positive encouragement to remain calm and be positive when I feel under pressure, usually in social situations. I often contemplate my death, sometimes in a practical way, other times in what I'd consider an unhealthy way. I'd appreciate anyone's opinion on this. 

[ajasatya]

@kindayellow what dies?

what's the difference between:

1. going to sleep and never waking up again 
2. waking up without having ever gone to sleep

[Gabriel Antonio]

Here's what you're experiencing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_ideation 

 

6 hours ago, kindayellow said:

I often contemplate my death, sometimes in a practical way, other times in what I'd consider an unhealthy way.

I do not recommend you actively comteplate death. 

 

Instead, I'd suggest you focus on relaxation & lightness. 

[tsuki]

@kindayellow Similarity between the concept of physical death and ultimate happiness is an unsettling one,
but in my experience, it's undeniable. In moments of great peace, it also slipped my tongue that 'I could die right now".

The reconciliation of this morbid connection comes from understanding the mechanics of desire.
When we desire, we want something to be present. We strive for it to release ourselves from this feeling.
Satisfaction comes from release, not from fulfillment/happiness. This is why desire is suffering.

In this sense, death is the ultimate release. The end of time.
To conflate this understanding with harm of the physical body is a great misunderstanding.
To kill the body in escape from desire is to desire to be desire-less. Suicide is the ultimate confusion.

If you feel truly happy, truly free, there is no need to do anything.
Why would you kill yourself then? Why would you keep on living?
This is why enlightenment is not-knowing.

Edited April 3, 2019 by tsuki

[kindayellow]

@tsuki wow, that's a really profound insight. I really appreciate this wisdom, I haven't looked into the mechanics of desire yet. Thank you:) 

[Joseph Maynor]

Are you sure you're not depressed in some way?

[kindayellow]

@Joseph Maynor @Joseph Maynor @tsukisorry idk what I'm doing with the whole replies thing lol

 

No, I'm not depressed, and to clarify the title implies I generally want to die, I don't I just had a moment of peace and freedom where I felt like I'd be contempt with dying painlessly. It's not a common or recoccuring thought, I just think it's good to question stuff like that.

 

And yeah I'm fairly certain I'm not depressed, I think it's possible I have social anxiety, and maybe some panic disorder of some sort on a low to moderate level, but since I've been self actualizing it's all improved. 

[Hellspeed]

Time to let go of the old phyposophy of yourself and the world.

[Andrewww]

When you want to die what you really want is a change in reality.

[Evilwave Heddy]

There is no harm in contemplating death.  Everyone does it...and some people take action on it because they are weak human beings.

[Yellow_Girl]

This is an interesting read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Denial_of_Death

I think the awareness of death is very important for completing your immortality projects, which give life meaning.

I'm personally not suicidal but am excited to find out what is or isn't after death. It's the greatest mystery of all. And how odd would it be if there was nothing.