Where do I start?

[kieranperez]

39 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

People are going suicidal on this forum, it is nothing to be overlooked.

Couple of points I want to make on this, as someone who has been borderline suicidal and has communicated this on the forum...

• These nondual elitist know it alls exaccerbate this issue with people who are suicidal. As someone whose posted about my incredibly crippling low self esteem, lack of self love, depression, and utter confusion, all the comments that made me feel more isolated and less understood and felt like I got no help at all were these Zen Devil nondual know it alls who just want to play that card and completely lack compassion and empathy. I’ve gotten and see all the time comments such as “this is all your fucking ego,” “nobody is going to help you. Nobody will save you. It’s just you in this universe.” “Your mind has you by the balls.” YOU DONT SAY THAT SHIT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE HABIT OF BEATING THEMSELVES UP. Those responses come from people who’ve had the great fortune of not actually feeling that kind of pain and level of self torture. Those responses come from people who went from being newbs on this spiritual path, got some little glimpses, and now they think they understand everything and now they’re cocky. If anything I see Leo coming down on those people are trying to communicate to show more empathy and compassion. That’s not to make out all people on this forum like that. When I’m going through a hard time (like I am today) I sometimes get flooded with massages of people reaching out and it’s touching. I’ve made friends on this forum like @Sahil Pandit and @Robby and I hope these people are my friends for life. 
• Leo isn’t here to fix all of us. Yeah, I personally really admire Leo. I wish sometimes I could get that face-face advice and serious from him but guess what? That’s my shit. That’s our shit. That’s our expectation. 
• If you’re concerned about people’s mental health, how bout YOU meet them where they’re at? Show them some compassion and some love and give them some exercises and tips that will them to empower themselves this way they don’t need to cling to anybody? A lot of people on here express their deep depression and suicidal thoughts because they’re looking for someone to save them because they’re at a point where they can’t even intuit an empowering vision for their impact on the world, who they can become, what they want, etc. but they don’t want to die. If they TRULY wanted to die, they would. They become needy because they don’t believe in themselves at all anymore. How can YOU help with that? Rather than just expecting Leo to come in there and be their Superman? 

Edited April 3, 2019 by kieranperez

[OBEler]

@Paul92 I feel you! Evn when I did not experienced your situation exactly I can understand you, because of same thoughts. 

I think you are in dark night of the soul.  I researched a lot after grounding mysellf and intellectually (not from experience) I understand we are one and also separated individual human beings. both is real! 

From the very recommended book of Jana dixon biology of kundalini:

"The Die-offs/dark nights are a “biochemical process” which secondarily brings about the dissolution of the operational personality structure for “a period of time”. The brain is undergoing such a catastrophic neurological meltdown and renewal, that the ego personality and functionality is temporarily completely non operational.

Depending on ones inner resources at the time and whether one is essentially imbued with a biological faith or has a tendency to fear, depression and self-hatred—this will determine whether the incapacitation is navigated positively or simply adds to the burden of an already diffcult life. The psychologicalemotional story one gives to interpret this autogenic “biological” event, is secondary to the chemistry, and yet is absolutely key to whether one can use the down cycles to further ones spiritual growth, or simply cause an escalation of our primary suffering."

"The Die-off’s in particular should be regarded with awe and gratitude as very good news. They don’t last long and we do not transform without them. The old must die for the new to be reborn. So the highs and lows of the kundalini cycle should be celebrated equally"

Hope you will recover, take care of your body and mind. eat clean and do sport, take supplements like fishoil, magnesium, vitamin d3 to ground yourself first. No spiritual stuff so that it will not confuse u more. Then when u feel ok slowly get back to spirituality. let me know  how u feel after month.

 

Edited April 3, 2019 by OBEler

[Paul92]

@OBEler Thanks for that. It's really tough at the moment. Wish I'd never come across any of this at times.

[Forestluv]

@Paul92 I've found that relaxing the mind-body is really helpful. Spending time in nature, yoga, meditation, hot baths, relaxation exercises, listening to heart-centered nonduality speakers etc.

Also, I've found direct experience is key. Too much analysis and conceptualization just made things worse for me. The practices and direct experience were helpful.

 

[Ananta]

@Serotoninluv wow, long post. 

[Forestluv]

@Paul92 I've found that relaxing the mind-body is really helpful. Spending time in nature, yoga, relaxation exercises, listening to heart-centered nonduality speakers etc.

Also, I've found direct experience is key. Too much analysis and conceptualization just made things worse for me. The practices and direct experience were helpful.

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Anna1 said:

@Serotoninluv wow, long post. 

Yea, I realize I went on too long. I trimmed it down.

[Paul92]

Well guys, I don't know if I can carry on anymore.

I woke up this morning and didn't recognise anything. I'm not real. You're not real. Nothing is real.

I haven't gone into work and I'm sat here considering how meaningless it all is. If I die right now, there is no i of course, it wouldn't matter.

I loved this world. I loved helping other people. I love creating a world for us.

But there is no 'us'.

People on this forum constantly say 'i think this', 'i think that', 'you need to'. But there is none of that. That is essentially what you are saying. The amount of arguing and separation between everyone boggles the mind.

@Nahm @Serotoninluv @cetus56Thank you for your help, but I don't see a way back. Maybe my ego is just too big to dissolve. I can't live in a world where I am nothing and other people are nothing.

All I ever wanted was to spend my time here with the people I love and to love them.

Has anyone ever considered that trying to kill the ego might be a trap? That what you resist, persists. Can you ever get rid of your ego? The ego let this phenomena that I call 'me' enjoy the experience. Now I have uncovered it, there is nothing to enjoy.

 

[Nahm]

18 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I love the world. Its brilliant. I love music. I love art. I love reading history. I love watching movies. I love food. I love other people. But if it all just me, then what is there to discover?

 

 

15 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I'm still reeling from leaving this girl. Is it bad to miss her? Honestly, the times we had were phenomenal. To love and be loved in return.

It is this simple; stop trying to assert how right you are with “there’s no Paul”, etc, let that go. You clearly have a lot of love in your life, and you keep conceptualizing your way out of it. Why draw lines? Bask in it. Go be with that girl, today. Enjoy. Let Love be simple, let it. See that in love there is no duality, no right or wrong, no Paul or not Paul. 

A good therapist could help you realize that your blind spot is your own insistence in being right. No one is stopping you from doing everything and anything you want to do. Sans your own perspective. Step one is, take ownership, take responsibility, for your beliefs and perspectives which are limiting you. Step two is see a new perspective which is not limiting. 

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Paul92 said:

Now I have uncovered it, there is nothing to enjoy.

NO, you haven’t. You’re bypassing. There is infinitely everything to enjoy. Thank you for that??????

[Odysseus]

@Paul92 I feel you Paul. Real or illusion those are just words. But the experience of love for your family, your girlfriend Rebecca, music and helping others is so much deeper than words like ego, reality and so on. Go with your experience and don't buy into concepts. Love you man.

[Forestluv]

3 hours ago, Paul92 said:

The ego let this phenomena that I call 'me' enjoy the experience. Now I have uncovered it, there is nothing to enjoy.

Imo, there is your key. I think this “ego” is having a hissy fit. Of course the ego allows the ego to exist. Why would love and enjoyment disappear if the ego dissolved? Love and enjoyment is beyond the ego. 

There is love and enjoyment all around. Beyond what the mind can imagine. Notice how the ego says “Yea, but what’s in it for me?”

The ego can resist actualization by setting up terrible scenarios of what would happen if it gives up control. 

Why not BE love? Why not BE enjoyment?

[bejapuskas]

@Paul92  There is infinite love inside you, but you add some thoughts to it  Let go.

[Paul92]

I spoke to my dad today. I've never told him about my problems before.

He has an interest in enlightenment after a life of suffering. He had a breakdown last year.

He basically said just stop resisting what is and enjoy your life. Which is simple, but makes sense.

Still struggling to see other people as individuals though. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.

[bejapuskas]

@Paul92  They are what they are, nothing more, nothing less. You can be more mindful than this.  It's good, that your family is engaged in it with you and is ready to discuss these problems with you. You can probably trust them more than anyone else.

[Paul92]

Still confused about a lot of things and still quite anxious. I miss my ex, but I feel like I shouldn't?? Everytime I think of her or anything my heart sinks.

[zambize]

8 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

Still confused about a lot of things and still quite anxious. I miss my ex, but I feel like I shouldn't?? Everytime I think of her or anything my heart sinks.

You feel what you feel, dont worry about whether you should.  I know its common when I have a really petty thought or emotion to kind of feel like I'm at fault but like, I dont choose my thoughts or feelings, atleast not that I'm aware of

[Paul92]

@zambize  Thanks for that, really. So what you're saying is just don't resist what you feel? I kind of feel as though it is egoic... but something is telling me to try and get her back. But I don't know.. All I know is I still have intense love for her and I miss her.

[zambize]

1 minute ago, Paul92 said:

@zambize  Thanks for that, really. So what you're saying is just don't resist what you feel? I kind of feel as though it is egoic... but something is telling me to try and get her back. But I don't know.. All I know is I still have intense love for her and I miss her.

I'm saying accept your feelings 100% and your thoughts as well.  I'll often have overly cocky thoughts, thoughts of killing myself, feelings of jealousy and greed.  But that's not really stuff that at all reflects the way I act, sometimes we just kind of think and feel in a way that doesnt necessarily reflect our character or personality at all.  You dont have to judge yourself at all for whatever thoughts or feelings you have, you arent responsible for the content of them so much as you are accepting them and the way you act.  This is not egoic, you have to listen to yourself, the thoughts and feelings in your head ain't gunna hurt anyone, let them flow <3

[Paul92]

@zambize  So whatever I feel, I am meant to feel? Whatever I think, I meant to think?

If I sit here now and say I miss her deeply, I want to try and see her again, that's fine? I guess I haven't chose to feel like that, but I simply do.