Connection

[Proactive]

HIIIIIIII. I'm currently 19 and a student . Here i'll connect with my goals.  Slowly improve being proactive.

Ok, first thing i'm gonna do is attempt to give myself a big goal to strive towards.

What do I want ?? What type of life do I want to live? Part 1

I want a more diverse life, I've just been watching videos, playing games, and doing homework for like the past year.

Something that really excites me is creating/designing things, I really enjoy seeing the clever things that other people or I can build.  That is what I kinda wanna do for a living; I want to be free. Not have to live by societies rules. I'm not too sure I want to work for other people unless that job gives us a lot of freedom.

In order to start moving towards that direction, I need to remove my addiction for gaming, watching videos,etc. This road will be very difficult; however will give me a much more free life in the future. I'm going to list out my individual addictions and their causes

• Gaming
  • Provides me with social contact
  • It is exciting, fast rewards
  • makes me feel important and powerful
• Watching videos
  • provides me with social contact
  • Inspires me, allows me to see who I could be.
  • Relaxing
  • provides information that allows me to better myself

So, ever since I started gaming again, I have stopped contemplating as often as I use to.

Cons of doing these activities

• Time is being wasted. Which could be used to develop more fulfilling relationships, or gaining skills to make me feel more important.( immediate feedback isn't given in these activities)
• people are very often toxic online which can make me feel quite bad.

The one thing that actually meets all pros from my addictions, and alleviates my cons is contemplation. I will try to do more of it, it is the step before I take action.

 

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyy, this is proactive for actualized.org and in this vlog I want to talk about how

I also just found replacement that could be relaxing and that is just creating spotify playlists(never tried it but could work.)

Ok, so now i'm slowly gonna try to slowly replace contemplation with gaming. What are some smaller goals that push towards the bigger one.

My goal per day is not only be able to complete my homework; but also have some extra time to create, invent things. I want to sleep every night feeling fulfilled, feeling the invention i'm making is gonna change society or help some people. Another thing that would excite me is having an invention that would expose a new perspective on reality. I want more days where I work so hard that I feel really tired before I pass out on my bed in 2 seconds.

How would I do that? I already have a hard time just doing schoolwork itself. The thing is, I know if I can reduce the amount of entertainment I receive, there would be a fuckload more time.(currently my solution is making playlists, and contemplation). So we should assume the amount of entertainment would be reduced.

So, I have 16 hours in a day. I know for a fact I typically study only 3-6hours a day. Every morning i'll eat and play for like 2-3 hours atleast. During night i'll usually take a break for 1-3hours. Lunch, and dinner there is usually a break as well. Assume lunch there's an hour. Dinner 1-3 hours.

What I may try is when eating food. Just enjoy it. When your done meditate a little, or go for a walk afterwards? I usually feel a little lazy after I eat. The reasoning for taking these breaks specifically dinner is i'm usually just tired from my normal 3 hour working spree. However maybe meditation,cold showers,walks would be a much more relaxing way of taking the break.

I'm thinking maybe to dedicate 2-3 hours a day to making my contemplation app. That way I have a higher likelihood of making some progress. The study time should be increased slightly. Lets try to make me study 4-6 hours a day. 

I'm gonna break it up into stages(ahem my contemplation app is in the format below where you are breaking your problems/goals into smaller ones.) ^_- tell me if your interested. I "only" have 2 more features I need to implement and it should be usable

1. Always get the 3 hour working spree done within the first 5-6 hours of being awake(I think i've already got this nailed down usually)
2. spend the last 2 hours of being awake reading,making my app, and contemplating
3. replace videos during lunch and dinner with contemplation,walks,meditations, I have never lived without video games AND videos together in my entire life. They are my way of receiving connection
   1. If i'm having difficulty doing this part i'll break it down
   2. start with just enjoying ur meal, then afterwards go ahead and watch some videos.
   3. Start with just lunch
   4. then do dinner.
4. the rest is to be determined

So because i'm feeling really excited, I intend to do all of this today, but if I stop feeling this motivation, i'll break them down into stages.

[Proactive]

I did it, I overcame my habit of just turning on some video while eating during lunch. I was so close to just going on youtube. I had gotten into my room, and turned pressed y-enter and saw my typical youtube screen pop up. Then I closed it, I instead turned on some music and looked at my food, felt grateful for the food, it was more delicious than normally. Now i've finished lunch in like 15mins. Then i'm heading back to work.

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyy, this is proactive for actualized.org and in this vlog I want to talk about how my day went

So today started off pretty well, I was able to do everything on there except for the dinner part.

The reasoning for being unable to carry it out was that  I felt extremely disconnected or something, idk the wording to describe this feeling. Probably loneliness, but regardless what I felt,it was pain. 

What caused this pain? I have never had real close friends, never had someone I felt like can share things with, except for 1 case that ended because of my insecurity. The last time I was just a normel person without being avoidant/shy was when I was like 9(again excluding this last case).  So today as I was walking around I saw people together. Friends,couples, people laughing,going to do activities, etc. All of this stuff that I think I want. But can't.

Nowadays I get pretty paranoid. I think I know what people are thinking. Whenever I hear a whisper outside my room, I will 90% of the time, hear my name and some random statements about me; sometimes to paint me as a victim; sometimes just negative statements about me depending on how I judge these peoples personalities to be. Apparently ,there is no sound too quiet that I can't hear . As i'm walking by people, these insecurities arise, i'm not sure what I look like to them(sad? then they will assume i'm sad because i'm alone). But I think i'm getting a reaction out of these people which makes me more self conscious, I assume that I know what they are thinking of me. They know i'm alone(which for some reason means i'm not a very valuable human being). There is a chance that sometimes i'm just watching them too carefully and am reading them all wrong.

So this caused me to be quite stressed, its very weird. Concentrating was really hard. So, I had to take a break, I felt like I was gonna cry but I usually can't let it out. My tears are just stuck. I've gotta give myself lots of encouragement.

Dealing with anxiety is always hard for me, because I always justify to stop working on these social problems and instead invest that time into schoolwork, building myself. I'm negatively motivated by social issues which is not a consistent form of motivation.

I'm not sure how I should solve this problem. I can continue down this road as a loner, contemplation makes me happy. Making my app today actually made me feel a bit better(makes me feel connected or something), it also fills me with confidence socially whenever I make progress on it. I know that a lot of my social issues just have to do with confidence.

However does this fix my insecurity? is it a coverup for this issue? If it is, is the coverup strong enough to be considered a base?

Find out tomorrow on

 

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyy, this is proactive for actualized.org and in this vlog I want to talk about 

my current strategy for living life. The current problems is a lack of connection, lack of social support. So one thing that i'll do is put myself out there more. Go to classes, go to labs go to all of them. Ugh, it's gonna be hard. I guess what i'll try to do is just think less, plan less. Just go to your fucking classes, be out in society more. Sometimes, like yesterday, I'll have trouble concentrating. What do I do in such scenarios. I could try to take a deep breathe and clear my mind for a longer period of time. I'm scared that living like this will traumatize me. Take baby steps, make sure I go out with the correct mindset by taking a cold shower, and saying things i'm grateful for. I can also make room for creating my app which will also help my mindset.  The time of day is also very important, start by going out at 5:00pm, when in class just have laser focus on the teacher. DO NOT BLINK WHEN STARING AT HIM.

I need to catch more of my thoughts, meditate every single day before I step out into society. Be very very conscious of them. I just caught a thought from going to class that I actually tell myself a lot. But I have never actually realized it was there. I thought that when I go to class, people are going to see me as this lowly person(having a hard time describing it). Disgusting, weirdo. The word is loser. Ugh, my identity is very fucked up. Another identity I have is that everybody dislikes me.

I'm just gonna meditate right now for 1 hour(give self love to all sides of me, but also realizing that all these identities are not reality). Then i'm gonna eat lunch and start doing homework at school.

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyy, this is proactive for actualized.org and in this vlog I will.

So,  I felt quite bored today. I was stuck on a problem, and spent hours trying to fix this. I have an idea to make my life more interesting. There was one aspect of a childs perspective that I have lost. When I was young I could believe anything could happen regardless of the laws of physics, or societal norms, I could believe there was a thing called super powers, I could believe anything you told me, there are such things as monsters. I think it would make my life much more interesting having that sort of belief. Obviously living like that wouldn't be entirely practical. But if I could swing in that direction a lot more. I think my life would be quite interesting.

One option of schedule is maybe I think I should be doing is actually studying less; much less. Then I can get the quality time. because this semester is basically over. 6 hours should be my final goal of studying 3 hour sessions . That does not include classes so maybe average of 9 hours of school per day, 1 hour to eat, 1 hour for my app, 1 hour for meditation. 30mins of exercise. That gives me around 3.5hours? To idk. ok so we have 1 sesssion in the morning I may need to wake up at 4:00-5:00 somedays. Then another might be inbetween classes, probably broken down. 

This is different then how I did it today. Which was sit in my room, and do shit. Once my 6 hours are up; i'm done. 

(random breakaway)

Physics is magical, look at the stars there are so many. Look at time, it's passing by. Light, what does it look like? Light is the only thing we see. What is space? WHATS GOING ON AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

Edited April 3, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I just watched leos how to study video(for the 999th time). It made me realize that all my studying; was for something else. I study physics so I can explore reality more deeply, I study computer science so I can create things. But what i've forgotten is. When i'm studying physics I AM EXPLORING REALITY. When i'm doing a coding project I AM CREATING THINGS. I would look at the homework at think about hmm. How does this concept apply onto my on project? I had a very negative perspective on studying and working.

I don't want to be a part of the rat race, I have to go through the race, fixated on the journey, not the end goal. However if that's the case without fixating on the goal. How am I to even pass the course? So why am I studying?

An analogy would be I am given the task of fixing this machine. I can learn how all the levers interact with one another; or I could simply fix it simply by looking at the manual. One extreme is learning the machine in such depth; that it no longer even applies to how one should fix this machine. It would be very hard especially in a field like physics to do that at my current lv and maintain a passing grade. So the best way is to learn the machine enough that I know where my understanding is lacking; however can still fix the machine. My goal is learn how to fix the machine ; not fix the machine. not understand how the machine works. For physics it would be learn how to apply these formulas into situations. Not learn where these formulas came from(yet)

Which would be more fun? Fixing the machine through understanding how each thing connects with one another? Or looking at the manual telling u to press this one button.

I currently don't learn for the sake of learning. I learn for the sake of getting the chance to be someone; or do something I want. That causes me to not be very happy studying. Not very different from chasing money; or a status in society.

Edited April 3, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyyyyyy, this proactive for actualized.org

So, here I am. I sort of feel like I understand life recently. There's no more like what's the meaning of life thoughts, I don't feel like I'm not living up to my full potential anymore(but definitely am still not at my full potential). I feel quite satisfied. I've looked at death a little bit more indepth and for the it triggered the fact that life is meaningless to come to me in a new perspective.

My productivity has been improved by like maybe atleast 2 more hours of studying each day? I gotta stay hungry; yet satisfied at the same time. I gotta look at the sky and feel the need that I need to go there; but not be so myopic and not see me traveling through the beautiful universe.

I know there are a bunch of things to still work on, my vision was just 2 lines basically in the first journel entry. My goal should be something almost impossible. My vision shouldn't be so far out that I can't even imagine it. My vision should make me very excited.

Here I am, a productive student. I wake up, meditate, contemplate,eat and within an hour I am ready to start learning. My time is mostly spent on learning and creating. I spend 2-3hours going through the textbook deriving different laws which can be used to describe this cool universe and seeing how it can be applied with my homework. Then I would take a break; connect and just go to class just to chill and learn for I'll assume 5 hours. Right after each class I would find the quickest place to stay and just summarize what I had learnt in the class using the feynman technique. After that's over i'll go home. Maybe go to the gym, come back take a shower, contemplate, chilll. Then my second time to be in the zone occurs I switch over to comp sci, starting by understanding all the concepts being taught in class, then attempting to solve this assignment with my creative approach. This overall is 2-3 hours of in the zone work. After here will be tricky because I will definetely be tired. I don't want to burn myself out. But I also don't want to indulge in some habit I don't want. Maybe we could fit in a job here. I'll have 3-5 more hours of the day. Exploration hours I shalt call them. Where I just try a bunch of new things. Which i'll need to be proactive to maintain. I could spend some time reading, playing piano, making my app, then 1-2 hours will be spent on summerizing what I  did and learnt the entire day. Right before bed.

I can live this "dream" but still be in pain because of the lack of connection (mainly because of the going to school part). While at school i'll see most people walking with their friends talking to one another and stuff. This will make me feel like i'm missing out, then i'll stop enjoying my work because I feel like there's a lack of freedom in my schedule. This should easier to go through if I enjoyed what I learnt in the morning( developing a sense of identity), and I meditated. The exploration hours will also be very very helpful given that I am excited/afraid(same thing) about the thing i'm doing.  1hour morning, 3hour zone work,5hour chill learning,3hour zone work, 3 hours left, 1 hour end of day review. (The 3 hour morning and 5 hour chill, and 1 hour review should be mandatory). 

I should make a list of things to try for exploration hours. These will push my boundaries, in new ways such as biking reallly long distances, meditating for hours, jumping into the ocean alone. Running marathons, or maybe something simple like going to learn some martial arts, Playing lots of piano. Volunteering, floating, making my app. The thing is, it needs to be new,exciting, and allow me to see more of the world.

 

 

Edited April 8, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I think, my motivation for studying physics and comp sci are not actually that different. I just want to discover something. Whether its discovering a new approach to a problem or just discovering something within reality. I need to see these topics as tools such as like a boat; or learning to hunt. People in the past needed these things in order to explore new territory. But also learn to enjoy learning to learn how to hunt. 

Yesterdays vision was a vision for my days for like next semester, or in 2. I tried to make it as enjoyable as possible. I actually spend most of my "chill" studying time doing my own projects doing my own things. After I make sure I spend about 30mins after each class just summarizing. Maybe giving myself tasks to do during my 3 hours of zone work. 

But here is a bigger longer term vision for myself. I want my life to be minimalistic; just me and my craft. It'll be discovering, creating magic . Finding this new perspective, and sharing it with humanity. The problem with trying to visualize discoveries is I don't know what discoveries i'll make. The only thing I can do is look at a location; and guide my boat towards it. Thats wat my projects will be for.

[Proactive]

i've got to let myself talk more. Not the voice in my head; but the one that doesn't speak in a language. That guy makes me happy; that guy is the authentic me. It loves me. It loves a lot of things. It problem solves like magic. Just literally wait a little bit and an idea will come from him. It is my "higher self". Stop hogging all the space; we need to share it. We should commmunicate with one another.

[Proactive]

Ok, now I just finished my first final exam.

What shalt I do? My goal is to discover shit. So we'll def do that. I still do have a bunch of courses and studying I need to do for next week. Ok, so here's what I intend to do. I'll make my scrollbar work for my app today. I'll apply for financial aid. If I have some time I can make a review sheet using my app. I also want to meditate atleast 30mins today. I intend to use meditation as a break and for the longer term benefits it provides.

For now i'll imagine my death.Breathe in,and out. Get into the present moment. Now close your eyes in a comfortable position to die in(I put my arms in a cross my chest like a mummy). I put on some music, then just imagined myself as a dead person. All my  beliefs, all my life purpose, everything, dissapears. Now no different than a rock. I'm in this peaceful lifeless state. " I " dissapear. My body dissolves into the ground and I become just another part of nature.

[Proactive]

2minute rule. Make my habits last for 2 minutes for example running. Get dressed, put on shoes and walk outside. Or open computer crack open book, and go to homework website. That is how I should be setting my habits. I then run for 2 minutes; and decide to go back or not. Some days will be good, some days will be bad; however if I have a habit in place the "bad days" will be not as bad. On my bad days I should still have the capability to turn on my timer and sit down to meditate for 2 mins.

So, I have been feelin pretty bad lately; especially yesterday. I am just in my room, the entire day. My passion for life is being sucked out of me.I don't want to be in my room anymore. That is actually a good thing, cuz then that will motivate me to be outside more. My perspective onto reality has been a pretty negative one. 

What I need to do is set goals that I head towards constantly. It will give me energy to move. While I have energy to move I shalt feel the wind flowing through my face.

Now I shall look at myself in this room objectively. What's actually happening? Well, there' this guy. He can either choose to be engrossed in the subject/moment or not. He can just let his unconscious mind feed his thoughts with negative ones. Nobody likes you,life is so meaningless. He doesn't have to do homework; He gets to do homework. He gets to go closer towards his dreams.

But now a thought has just popped up; what's the point of becomming a physicist if i'm just gonna be alone forever?

The option I take is I try to justify it; rendering being alone a good thing. Like being alone makes me more powerful in some way. Such as giving me more time to study. I get more freedom. 

However; recently it hasn't worked as much. At first when I was in gr 6, I truley justified being alone was the best but as the years passed by; that belief dwindled I guess its because I stay in my room 24/7

Edited April 12, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

A new goal of mine is to always feel connected, Love everything, accepting everything. Get out of thinking about only myself. Truly be grateful for all the small things I have and am just taking advantage of right now.

Edited April 13, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

NOT FINISHED POST CUZ I GOT SLEEPY LAST NIGHT AND DON'T FEEL LIKE CONTINUEING TOPIC

so i've realized i've lost connection with why i'm doing this journal. I 'm doing this journal so that I can feel connected. I was supossed to be vulnerable 100% which, even though I tried to be. I don't think it quite worked. I've been afraid of people judging me online is the reason why.

Blame. I've been doing that quite a bit. For the past 2 years ever since I left home. I've blamed my parents for not being "good parents". Such as not being there for me, or always being angry at me. As the old me would say, put all the blame on myself. Focus on what you can control. Simple. Ok, what sort of impact did these things have on me? Ok, so i'll start with how I blame my mom then. My mom would always force me to do activities that I didn't wanna go, I didn't wanna go to these activities because I was being forced to do them. I remember one moment when I was 3, where I was bullying kids. So, after dinner she took out her stick and would hit me; however this time I had somehow taken the stick and was running for my life. She, then told me to give her the stick, saying she won't hit me anymore, and when I did. She started hitting me again. 

my mom doesn't have bad intentions; she does really love me I must add. She has done a lot of good things that I should be grateful for. I intended to add on a lot more but I was tired

So I went home because i've been feeling pretty sick(headache,stomach ache, heart ache, and neckpain(its a weird migraine I think lol) and we've been given time to study for our finals. Like always; my dad is on the phone when I decide to sleep. Then like always I almost fall asleep and am awoken. Wasting hours of my life. Now, what can I do about this? Well, a simple short term solution is take away some of his beers(enough so he won't notice i've taken them); thus forcing him to end his calls sooner. I am having a hard time loving him when i'm angry at him. 

I tell myself, "nobody likes you". I view it as though nobody will ever like me; which is a false statement and a really painful one. With the new mentality of the old post(stop thinking about myself). I was able to make some jokes that made me remember that I am likable.

Edited April 14, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

A goal is no identity. No Identity would solve my social anxiety problems. I would have no expectations because how much I should accomplish is an identity to me. It would allow me to be me. I wouldn't cater to some categorization of humans. I am not an inventor, I am not a physicist, I am not socially awkward I am "enter name here"

[Zigzag Idiot]

24 minutes ago, Proactive said:

With the new mentality of the old post(stop thinking about myself). I was able to make some jokes that made me remember that I am likable.

I've wrestled with this one a lot in my early twenties. To stop thinking about myself and focus on being a help to others. But I would always end up feeling depleted and then depressed or angry. After that, guilt would sometime swamp me. It was (can be) a vicious cycle. It's difficult to establish balance sometimes. An ability to find humor in difficult situations has definitely been a help to me at times.

 

7 minutes ago, Proactive said:

A goal is no identity. No Identity would solve my social anxiety problems. I would have no expectations because how much I should accomplish is an identity to me. It would allow me to be me. I wouldn't cater to some categorization of humans. I am not an inventor, I am not a physicist, I am not socially awkward I am "enter name here"

Interesting aim,,, A huge one. It would mean dealing with every issue you are identified with. Even your name.

[Proactive]

@Zigzag Idiot

Quote

I've wrestled with this one a lot in my early twenties. To stop thinking about myself and focus on being a help to others. But I would always end up feeling depleted and then depressed or angry. After that, guilt would sometime swamp me. It was (can be) a vicious cycle. It's difficult to establish balance sometimes. An ability to find humor in difficult situations has definitely been a help to me at times.

Nice to know; I think I have been through the cycle a few times actually just forgot that there was one. I guess I should keep a balance between both helping others and myself each day.

Quote

Interesting aim,,, A huge one. It would mean dealing with every issue you are identified with. Even your name

Yeah, I noticed that being identified with something skews my perception of reality when others are nearby. A look from someone can mean 12000 things depending on how I am identified. It would reduce the amount of suffering by a lot.

[Proactive]

One thing I've noticed is that I should not be taking breaks for too long. The longest should be 8 hours(which should rarely be done). I use these break for "prolefeed(like watching tv, playing video games, ect)". I end up feeling horrible. Why? well it makes me feel like life is so pointless. Feels soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

After the break; I have to do something else like meditate, read and take notes, do homework(something that makes me feel like i'm growing). Being proactive feels nice and that is what I should strive towards. Today I just took a fuck ton of notes; did a fuck ton of learning while not judging my progress, or expecting anything to happen and I am pretty happy.

The higher the intensity and focus, the better, the happier I am. I have been doing well because tomorrow is the test; but if it isn't. I usually am not as motivated. Feels pointless, then I will go do prolefeed because that feels "better". This is where my intrinsic motivation should kick in. This is where my schedule should kick in. This is where my app should kick in(breaks down stuff into smaller stuff).

The thing is, currently I am not actually thinking about the test tomorrow while studying; instead I am just focused on going through my study sheet. There is no why. I am doing it because I made it; and I said I will do it regardless of how I feel. I have tried an approach where I schedule the entire day with time. I don't like this because it makes me feel like I have a lack of freedom and it's quite hard to excecute even with lots of breaks. I think i'll try to use my app, disregard time. I will change the way of motivation however; Imagining a future vision doesn't work for me because I don't actually have a vision. I've been just forcing the vision; which should not happen. It should happen by itself. My motivation is simple.I said I will do it. So I'll just do it right now. Put on those shoes and get the the library. Motivation will come as you learn this interesting topic.

[Proactive]

My values currently

• Be proactive for no reason( do the 2 minute rule ). Basically just set a direction vector and head toward that direction o..0

• Have no identity, don't judge or expect anything from yourself

• Love everyone( having difficulty with this one), and that includes myself

Edited April 17, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Ok; now I just finished my final exam and there is not as much pressure. Will I be able to keep up the proactivity? I may rest for an hour or 2. Maybe for the rest of the day.

But tomorrow; lets getterown. I didn't understand all the concepts. I can only improve for next test. I could have gone to class; that may have changed it. More importantly, I could've read the lecture notes on time even if I didn't go to class and clearly understood all the concepts. I read them when it was required to do homework.The test is finished; there's nothing I can control about it now , so stop thinking about it.

So; i'll start again with high intensity tomorrow by not having an expectation. I think tonight I may just spend some time on my app. Make sum food. Have sum fun; connect.