Connection

[Proactive]

FAILED.

I was doing ok. I had a hard time going deep into my meditation because the people upstairs kept argueing and was suchhhh a loud environment. So. Yeah, but I did have a few deep moments. Then when I told my mom not to call me. She decided to call me like 4 times the next day. Then tricked me into coming home by saying there was an empty house I could meditate in. Which I actually cannot.

I'm reverting back to some victim mentality. I felt the change coming. I felt so much self control these past 2 days ugh.

While I was on the boat back to home. I felt like such a social outcast and I guess that's where my old self came back in and that is where I am right now. So I think this post will be quite different than my typical ones.

This self is able to override my dreams and aspirations with negative thoughts. Changes me from loving everything to "whats wrong with me". I'm such a weirdo. Nobody likes weirdos.

Also another identity that came back was when I felt unloved. So basically I would try to escape the environment. I would just dream of being somewhere else as a child. This is what is starting to motivate me once again and I know this is not a sustainable source of motivation.

This reversion I think mainly comes from a reminder of my insecurities and I am blaming them onto other people. I just gotta remember that it doesn't matter who's fault it is. It is my problem and I must deal with them. 

I want connection from other people. This will contradict my goal of being a physicist at times. But honestly we can fit both of them into my life. We just gotta work hard. 

Ok, gn i'm tired.

Edited August 11, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Dealing with negative view of the world

"humans are sellfish"

I need to deal with this issue. In life there are those who are "nice" and there are those who are not. If I believe all humans are selfish and such. Then what happens is that I exclude myself. That is exactly what I did. Truthfully, there are those that are truly giving. Altruistic. 

If people are not altruistic. What happens is that people will try to take advantage of you and hurt you. So the best course of action is to exclude yourself. I watched the first part of leos series on politics so I think he addresses this somewhat.

[Proactive]

Exclusion/nihilism

So I thought i'd talk about my family dynamic a bit. Basically as a child I remember one conflict that happens throughout. Was I would barge into my sisters room because I was bored. She would then hit me and push me out. I felt it was uncalled for. My parents would then always say my sister was right without even listening. So I felt it was unfair and would fuel me to do it even more.

This allowed my self confidence to sort of drop. Now I always feel like i'm the wrong one and such. It is very interesting looking at this situation from a survival perspective. Of me and my sister. There was no right or wrong. We were all right in our own perspective.

Basically this treatment has continued up till now. So what must I do?

Well this contemplation has helped; as I the anger is all gone. I guess we just continue down contemplating

So essentially as time went on. I was being treated badly by my parents and my sister which was a social environment. This caused me to have a desire to withdraw as I felt like nobody understood me. This was probably the place where I started having a negative view towards humans. 

So dealing with this one issue actually will help me socialize so much better. You have no idea.

I have this feeling of iscolation in my memory. I've been isolated from so many things. So much painful times. Most of these times, they were self inflicted. This has been a negative feedback loop throughout 75% of my life basically.

So this action that I do of excluding myself is probably done because of low self-confidence. The deep fear of not being accepted.

• Why do you think these people will not accept you.
  • I simply feel like I don't deserved to be loved.
  • I guess because i've been rejected so many times.

I guess we should start with loving our-self. I watched a teal swan video a couple of days ago that basically talked about how the shadow was created in order to survive. It is time to integrate that shadow.

That shadow is the desire to be liked. To care about what others think of me. 

I think I already typed it out. But whatever. So if a person is in an environment where they are unlovable. They have no choice but to not accept anyone.I am in an environment where I don't feel love still. So if I simply allow him back in. I would experience the exact same effect applied onto me.

I read a quote from zigzag idiots journal that talks about courageous heart (08/07/8:54). I think that is what I must do simply. To put myself out there. To jump off the cliff. Then to get hurt several times before we take off and fly. There is no easy solution that I can see. We have to face rejection.

Edited August 11, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Designing my break.

My ultimate goals is to inject the magic of life onto the process of doing school work. I'm doing this by detatching from grades COMPLETELY. But there's the other aspect which has to do with the actual process. To create an iidentity in which I exist as a physicist regardless of my grades.

I don't know how i'm going to get there but I will.

side note - I remember reading mans search for meaning and there was this guy who said they were gonna get out of their nazi camp thing on a specific day. as time approached the specific day; he lost all hope and died on that exact day he said he was going to get out. That is what I sort of feel like i'm doing with this belief. Except there is no date which I can fail. I don't get to do a phd? I'm still gonna become a physicist. Never lose hope. Never.

So right now rather than create a schedule. I feel like creating the identity is more useful. Because I instantly feel learning some physics. Without the need for a schedule. Rather than make a plan to do something this hour. Then something the next. We should believe that we'll finish our homework. That allows for the sense of autonomy. While actually motivating me weirdly.

What is this break going to feel like?

dude. It's gonna be bliss. I'm gonna be in magic most of the day. Dedicating hours upon hours to being extraordinary. Being curious. Learning. Completely in the moment. Not on video games though. We are not even gonna wanna play video games. We are too busy creating, and getting ready to change the fucking world.

 

So my dad thinks it's dangerous to meditate all day for 7 days. My dad was some sort of healer in the past. He says all sorts of things like not everybody can meditate and he believes in like all sorts of ancient chinese stuff. He believes I am not ready for it.

I think growing my consciousness is so important. It is actually necessary for me to succeed in school. So. I am going to talk this through with my dad, get his perspective and if he can't convince me. I'm doing the 7 day retreat once again. It won't be as intensive because of a different environment. But we shalt try. We shalt try.

That 1-2 days of just meditating has already changed my perspective on life somewhat. I'm really detatched to the things that use to cause emotional problems and just laugh at it. I am not totally dismissing my dad because I do feel quite a weird sadness. It's not the sad type of sad it's a really weird type.    o.0

Edited August 12, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I just want to state that nobody is perfect and that this post is full of useless shit for others. I do have a lot to be grateful for with regards to my mom. I am just highlighting the flaws in this relationship.

So i'm trying to teach my mom english but i'm starting to get flashbacks of memories as a child and it's full of anger. So I shall start with understanding her a bit. Even though I don't know her past. Kinda weird how I am posting all my personal information online. Hopefully this does not bite me.

I will say that she is uneducated. She has low self-confidence, but she loves me very much. She is a very simple person who cares about very simple things. Whenever I talk to her about anything that I truley care about, she zones out.

So because of this lack of consciousness in her life, she had just forced down rules onto me which really does not jive well with my personality. Rules without reason. Do this because I said so. Anything that's a bit different from the norm should not be done.

Basically she followed her manual. But did not know why she was supposed to take this step and the other step. She has good intentions, but has no clue how to go about achieving her intentions. Her approach was very rough. She would feed me; then when I was full. I still had to eat a bunch.

I find the way to consolidate this relationship is to have this opinion. She is a person that loves me and wants the best for me. She tried her hardest to raise me with the limited amount of knowledge that she had. 

 

 

[Proactive]

Survival of self or group.

So I think the way to live my life is sort of understanding that i'm just an ant from the colony. My goal is to protect the "colony". I find myself much more driven when I view it that way instead of thinking about pointless personal stuff. This is something I did in the past but was never fully conscious of it.

 

So, because of these failures i've had recently I had to adopt a new perspective.Basically I believe in being able to achieve the impossible. Fuck logic; I can do it. I don't care about anything. I am going to do it. 

This drive is good. There does seem to be a lack of logic though. I think that is fine. There does need to be a balance though because logic predicts what happens in reality. If I allow own perspective to influence reality too much. I become too delusional and that helps no one. In certain scenarios

One perspective  that I notice older people have is just get a job. Enjoy life. Like very practical perspective. Get friends, get family. Have kids. This perspective has been hard for me to grasp as I have a unconscious belief that humans are unstable and will leave you and such. 

So I adopted the belief of i'm just an ant. I will die for the colony but I cannot be part of the colony. I will help humanity but nobody will love or care about me. That seems like a decent plan in my head. Not sure how it'll play out practically.

 

This denial of the needs of the self. Is it useful? Should I just abondon it? What shalt I do? 

Devotion to the colony. DEVOTION TO CANADA! CANADA WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD. YOU WATCH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA. Our nations niceness is just a disguise. "Your worst enemy is your friend" 

 

Edited August 17, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

The type of life I want to live.(the vision i've had since I was a child)

 

Right now I just want to escape into physics. Work, work ,work until the suffering is gone.

In the case of my past. Play video games until all the pain is gone.

 

I don't want to deal with anyone.

I don't really care about eating.

I don't give a fuck about myself.

 

What do I want to give before I die?

I don't know if this is the correct way of living but it is the way I am going to do it. I want to make a discovery before I die. I want to transform society. I will have no friends. I will have nobody but my textbooks. I will work a shitty job. Come back home and work on physics. Then repeat.

 

I believe im on the track towards doing it. This motivation comes from the destruction of the self through pain. The inability to cope with my perception of myself such that I cannot identify with myself anymore. I identify as the collective because there's less pain and i'm just a worthless ant.

 

[Proactive]

Thank you to all the animals I have eaten.

I'm sorry you guys had to live such a life.

I carry the weight of all these lives. Countless amounts of animals have died so I can live.

I am alive so I can reach the pinnacle of knowledge and expand upon it.

I will live for all these animals.

 

Don't waste these lives.

 

 

time for me to end this journal. Its been contributing to my negativity and blaming.

Everything that has happend is my fault and my fault only. 

I wanted next semester to be fueled with positive motivation. But it looks like I just have an insane amount of negative motivation. I wanted next semester to be full of magic, consciousness, and love.

What i'm doing for the break is finding very indepth answers to.

1. what is learning. How do we learn. 
2. How do we problem solve

 

 

Edited August 18, 2019 by Proactive