Connection

[Proactive]

JOKE OF THE DAY

god damn its getting hard.

So what did the cat say to the dog? MEOWWWWWWWWWW.

yes it has come to this. This is what i'm saying for a joke

Attempt #3 at removing internet addiction part 2

Lack of connection is the main problem. I do get connection from making my app. Soooooooooooo yeah. I'll do that. I know it's an external thing but whatever. Here's what i'll do. Easier said than done. I will call this exploration hours(different from the previous exploration hours). 1-3 HOURS A DAY  working on something that helps society. This is more important than school; it takes priority over school. However because school has more of an negative motivation involved it is not necessarily easy to prioritize it over schoool. Looking long term however it is the best thing to do. 

Plan to excecute on exploration hours daily.

Do it when you wake up; after you buy your coffee; or after you go home. Replace this with video games. How will I overcome the negative motivation? well; this should be a good loop. By being connected; i'll be able to be happier -> more motivation -> happier. Efficiency will rise. People will not be repulsed by my bad mood and therefore higher chance of making friends. So the negative motivation should not really be there theoretically. But this is real life. I need a plan for being able to still work on my app for 1 hour when I am gonna fail my test the next day. Well; start this habit in the beginning of the semester. Build momentum for your habit. Start applying some of the tricks from the habit book which i've sorta forgotten. And of course be veery conscious of my self-talk. Create self-talk that motivates you to do this. Which is not too difficult. I've got an idea for a brand. Contemplation. I will teach the art of contemplation. I will need  to generate information however.

Edited June 28, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Seek failure

A new way to look at life. Seek failure. Seek to fail as many times as possible. That's your goal. To fail many times. Not sure if this is benficial . People say it is .My goal is not to do well. But to fail many times. Not sure if this is a good idea; further contemplation required.

Edited June 29, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

It is time to be proactive

I am proactively doing nothing.

The purpose of life contemplation

The purpose of life is quite simple. Play the game of life. Explore shit. Learn new shit. See new shit. Notice that these things can give inspiration to build on. Just needed a reminder 4 myself.

What about addictions? Addictions are actually a good thing. They are only bad when you are trying to solve a problem using it and it doesn't work.Ask yourself why exactly are you doing this activity. Then ask if it actually solves the problem. Or does it just temporarily alleviate it.  The thing is; everything is temporary. Even life purpose; one day you'll lose ur ability to do whatever your life purpose is.

[Proactive]

Attempt #3 at removing internet addiction part 3

UGH, I have trouble with relabeling video  games as I know what i'm trying to do is deny some truth. By framing video games as something really bad. In reality there is some benefit. However it's easily to get addicted and such. 

When I'm dealing with addiction I should be dealing with the underlying reason for playing video games to solve this specific problem. Which I have sort of addressed. With exploration hours.

The next step is changing my frame of school. The last couple of weeks i've been getting into the trap of like thinking What type of job should I do in the future. Basically just a very goal oriented way of looking life rather than enjoying the process. Caused me to be depressed as my grades suck dick. Being a wage slave feels very depressing to me. 

MOTIVATION FOR SCHOOL

I do have a vision. But it's a vision for what doing the process will feel like. Pictures flow through my mind as logic intertwines with it. Exploring this extraordinary path through this problem or idea. I feel a sense of euphoria. Nothing in the world could be better than this.

This is aligned with the purpose of life. Does this align with school though? Sometimes it does; but when does it not. It does not when I am overly attached to the goals. When I start thinking about whether this is practical. Or My grades, Or a phd. Or i'm not feeling good. 

So keep this vision in the back of my mind. Watch my mind very very carefully. REPORT IT TO ME OK. Remember this; motivation comes from no where other than my self talk. So yeah.

The reason I'm gonna work so hard on my homework; and study really hard. Is because I said so. I set this goal. I'm gonna do it for no reason whatsoever. But at the same time we want that curiosity to flow. I want that vision to occur.

Doing homework is not completing these problems. Doing problems is about exploiting your weaknesses in your understanding of the topic. It is exploring what you do not know.

Edited July 3, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

MAC PROGRAM EP4

Commitment-

So in order to get external motivation for something( putting in effort on the outside). You must first value this thing, have internal motivation(the feeling on being motivated). You must value it. Believe its good for you.

But then when your trying to execute on your goals. There will be other things that can distract your attention such as the desire to play video games and other internal states. The way this program deals with it is by training your attention so much that you forget about the distractions.

Become aware of your internal states that are distracting you; then ignore them. I'm assuming he meant accept it. Each time you bring your attention back it's sort of like a rep in the gym.

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

Topic: WATERBOTTLE

The waterbottle is such a push over. Lets you fill her up. Lets you pour her out when YOU PUSH OVER her . oh my that was great

So i'mma just ramble on for a bit because I need to feel the freedom

In the past i've sort of ran away from the Myersbrig shit because I was attached to it at one point when I was gr 10. I didn't like breaking reality into these boxes that do not precisely define who you really are. All this contemplation is just modeling of my reality because we are using language. WE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO MISTAKE THE MAP FOR THE TERRITORY.

I realize how accurate it is. I don't even need to take the test and I know which category I am (but I did a long time ago). It's just so crazy how accurate it is. One thing I noticed is that after I read it; I accepted myself. I accepted my faults because I had strengths to make up for it. Which reminds me now to accept them regardless.

I liked this video. I need to use Top down learning more.  I need to always see the big picture before I go into the details.

 

Edited July 4, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I'M SAYING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN 

Time is moving by. You will die. You'll never get the present back. You can only live it once. I will only be in this moment once. You'll only get to  live this life once. Sorry just had to say it over and over again.

I want to tap into a larger supply of motivation. Time is the real motivator. Live everyday with the knowledge that you won't get this time back. Enjoy each and every single moment. I'm glad your alive with me.

I get into this negative state; where I am thinking things like my future. I have no friends; my life is boring. It lacks meaning. Just remember I will die. Remember that time moves forward and not backwards. Remember the entire life i've already liven( I just invented a word I think) that I will never get back. 

Enjoy the tasks you hate; because it's the last time you'll get to do it. What i'm talking about is; that exact scenario will never be replicated precisely again.

Edited July 4, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

I sometimes bike back home and there's this hill. Then there's a orange cat that does not give a fuck. I'm literally going down the hill at like 20km/H. Heading straight towards him/her. It doesn't even move in the middle of the road. Probably trying to assert its dominance onto me. WELL NOT NEXT TIME. I'M GONNA GONNA MAKE YOU MOVE BY GOING EVEN FASTER. I WILL NOT PET YOU THIS TIME!

Maximum engagement is to make life interesting. Least attachment is to make life not painful.

Believing what you are doing is beneficial to you/others in some way. I find that I am not engaged enough with life. Everything feels meaningless because I believe it to be so. This choice does have benefit. The benefit is that there's no risk. The more meaning you attach life with; the more stress you'll feel. You'll get higher highs; and lower lows. If I were to die; would I want a life that was meaningless. Or a life that was so fucking painful. Obviously the painful one duh.

It's hard to attach meaning to life due to the emotional repercussions.  To attach life with meaning would be painful when you lose hope of achieving this goal such as when you fail the time limit. If I let this take over my life. I could end up where I am now I guess.

There really is no correct answer. To what type of life is best. WRONG I AM WRONG. "The purpose of life is to see shit, explore shit"(proactive). By living with intensity I get to see a bunch of shit. Good and bad. Live life consciously.

Goals for my life.

• Figure out what is time. I have to find out what it is. I've been contemplating this recently and it's super interesting.
• What is light really? What's truley happening at the really really small scales.
• BASICALLY DISCOVER SHIT ABOUT REALITY USING LOGIC.
  • HOW WILL I DO THIS?
    • Learn tools such as physics,math,comp-sci(I want to focus on stimulations), philosophy
      • sacrifice here is time. But honestly we are always sacrificing time. Just depends on what you want to sacrifice it on. Be conscious of this.
      • Study until my brain is tired every day. That way I will feel like i'm heading towards my goal.
  • The objective truth may be that we are creating everything ourselves and it's just an illusion. WELL IDC . Keep exploring.
• Travel the world.
  • Go scuba diving
  • Go to beaches
  • Be good at meeting people; be able to create good vibes

I'm gonna focus on the studying cuz I have not had success in regards to this. I remember hearing that athletes push themselves right before a burn out. Then pull back. And rest really hard. That is what I should do. I need to read more text to know the internal states right before burnout.

What am I not willing to sacrifice? 

Maximal engagement means everything. Means no social contact. Spend every waking moment alive trying to go after this one thing.

The only way i'd be willing to do that is if I end up in this new world. Inside my own mind. Which is a dream. To have such a vivid imagination + curiousity of this world. That we forget about this current world.

The risk is that If I cannot get into this alternate reality. Then I have risked everything for nothing.

If life were a video game; what would I do?

Well; I wouldn't sacrifice everything. I would try to go to fun activities. Scuba diving, help poor countries. Just try a bunch of stuff. We don't necessarily have to give up one world for the other. Use your ability to navigate one world to inspire change in the other one.

So I would be really good at navigating one world such as the world of physics such that I gain freedom and resources to explore the world. 

Here's what I need to do with respect to goals. On the daily; my goals should be easy to achieve. On the big scale they should be ambitious.

Edited July 7, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

My mouse is so weird. He doesn't move. At ALL. Over the weeks i've put food and water  in the cage but he just doesn't move. Another thing is that it has no fur and the tail is a usb stick. like WTF.

Contemplation for the day

Find happiness in the mundane.

Find happiness in the mundane.

 

If I want to achieve a lot. I must be willing to do what

Others are unwilling to do.

 

This means pain = what I go towards. Be different; because if you were normel

Your processes are normel . Your results are normel.

 

I must break down each activity I want to master into smaller parts. So that it seems mundane. Focus on them. Be happy doing the mundane. We normally are happy doing it. As time goes on however; we stop feeling the sensation. It becomes a subconscious process thus freeing a lot of space in our brain to do a bunch of bullshit to push us away from doing the mundane.

BREAKING SCHOOL COURSEWORK DOWN PART 1

I try to frame schoolwork as some magical time where I learn these cool non-intuitive things. This is true; but this takes time to get towards this state

My frame should be different though; just me sitting down. Doing mundane tasks. But happily. It's not hard to do at all because it so simple. It's sort of like playing one of those phone games where you just click on the screen once and you get money in a virtual world. As time goes on you gain progress; you whatever. You see change. 

Derive satisfaction from moving this tray onto the otherside. Derive satisfaction not from the understanding some surprising information. But from reading the book. Feel; and notice the page flip. Notice the suns rays splatter accross your page. The reward from understanding your material is a bonus.

PROCESS OF UNDERSTANDING INFORMATION/CONCEPTS

Read-> Understand -> explain to myself -> Stimulate explaining to someone else. Repeat.

Be very conscious of this process while doing it.

If I were that factory worker moving trays. I would repeat in my head. "Grab" - > "Turn hip" - > "place down" ->" Turn back". Not 100% certain this'll work but yeah.

 

 

 

Edited July 8, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of duh day.

Joke. LETS MAKING A FUCKING JOKE.

Paranoia floods through my vein. The darkness in my soul covers the sun with grey clouds.

I'm left alone.  in the world. Nobody to hear my screams. There's nothing but the dry grey sand on the ground.

But then my mom comes in the room and ruins my visualization. Fucking asshole. How dare you offer me cookies. I'm busy MOM ! ugh.

 

I think hope is negative turning to positive. It is a very strong motivator. So that's what I should be striving for?

 

Should I really love that person that wastes away my life everytime we get into my room by playing video games???????????

Yes; because he is me o.0 I love you. I guess I never loved him. I love you. I'm sorry for yelling at you.  I realize that you are just trying to look out for me and I appreciate it. I realize your just looking for comfort.  I'm not gonna try to change you as your values are just as important as mine. But I just want you to know that the more time we spend on doing other things such as making our app will make us happy not just now. we'll be happier for a longer time in the future as well.

Here's another thing I want you to consider. If we end up allowing the video games to take over our life. We'll bring no value to others. And our existence will be painful due to nobody bringing value to us. I realize that we are so much happier if I just accept you; realize that we should be making decisions together. When you object to something I will try to understand. We are a duo. and I love you baby.

 

Edited July 13, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Ahh I think i finally cracked it.

I think the key to motivation for school is to push yourself to your limits. To try to do the impossible. I've had this belief for a while in the past but I never consciously labeled it. There is no motivation to study unless it's close to the test usually. I've tried learning for learning sake and it is very useful. But not powerful enough.

[Proactive]

Joke of the da

So I had done a 30 day challenge. I have 2 x's on  a 30 box grid. Yep. It's just kinda funny.

I need a clear vision.

In order to achieve my ambitions  of doing well academically I must sacrifice. In order to sacrifice; we need a reason. I can't seem to find a reason for going to school anymore. Maybe it's time to quit.

My original reason for going to school was to be able to explore the universe. But clearly i'm not exploring anything at school. My vision was to explore what was not found for future humans to know. My vision actually occurs when i'm dead. which is great. Unattainable goals are the best!

Humans in the future; full of technology. Use my discoveries much like how we use physics for all sorts of stuff. Now that is something i'm willing to sacrifice for.

Contribute to the knowledge that humanty has <- oof I love this

MY LIFE PURPOSE IS TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE COLLECTIVE KNOWLEDGE THAT HUMANITY HAS.

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

My 30 day challenge things still has 2 x's on it. I hung it up.

HOPE

So i've been stuck in a negative feedback loop for like a year now. Some bs conditions cause me to fail which caused me to take lots of actions that did not benefit me. 

Every step I take is a reminder of my failure. By doing homework; I am reminded of how I failed this other class. I'm thinking about how I'll have to stay in school for an extra year or 2. How everything is pushed back. I feel like a failure. So I end up playing video games. Which is not a good idea of course. Video games provides me with an escape.

My previous vision was destroyed. However I've been trying to maintain it. Each time we fail such that our vision cannot be accomplished. We must create a new vision. A story you tell yourself in your head that alligns with reality., to maintain HOPE.

 

I finally graduate with a bachelors in physics and computer science 6years? 7? . That just means I've had more time to understand the material. I have gained a very broad set of tools. From physics,math, compsci.

I have finally mastered my mind. The speed at which I learn things have increased drastically. Same with my problem solving abilities. My focus at the end of my bachelors degree will be so fucking good that if I am studying. I could have people yelling. I could feel like i'm about to barf. None of it will distract me. In fact all these things will fade away. However I will never be perfect. My focus will never be perfect.

I use these abilities to solve problems that humanity is facing. Create knowledge for the future of humanity to use. As well continuing my endeavor towards controlling the mind. Understanding how it works.

Whats the first step i'm taking?At the daily level.

• Every day I want to wake up. Work on my app.
• The process of studying will be reframed as a way to grow myself. To watch the mind as it attempts to problem solve or retain information.
• Meditate and exercise daily. Try the 30 day challenge again. These 2 habits will allow me to have more awareness of my thoughts.
• Contemplate/read about focus. Flow, ect.

I can do it. I believe in myself. We will create a new identity. We will change the world. We willl be the best.

Edited July 17, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

GRAHHHHHHHH i'm out of jokes.  I've written every single joke in the world. It has come to this. I'm gonna do the funniest joke of all of them. The last one. The most powerful

"fart"

hehehehe

 

The process of doing  whatever it is i'm replacing video games should be atleast as satisfying as video games. Doing homework should feel as satisfying. But it is not. It is full of friction. I need to work on being detached from how much I learn. Just be focused on how much effort i'm putting in. Be focused on doing the mundane with high intensity.(reference to july 7th post). That's what I should be focused on. So; lets fucking do this.

At the end of the day I will try to do some reflection on meta learning.

EFFECTS OF VIDEO GAMES IN THE MORINGi

i THINK playing video games in the morning causes some shift in my brain to crave more dopamine. I need to become more aware of this. I feel like there's something here. 

I think because of this; the rest of my day is actually harder to do work. Be aware of this craving; feel it. But do not act upon it.

Summary of what I should be focusing on

• BE DETACHED FROM HOW MUCH I LEARN( what this will do is cause consistency of effort regardless of material)
  • how will I do this?
    • For now i'm just gonna get a piece of paper. Write down Which of the mundane tasks am I doing. For how long. Every 25mins of studying. Will have a checkmark. I should also reward myself for completing these mundane tasks.
• Be conscious of  the cravings I get from video games.

 

Edited July 17, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

So the other day I saw my friend had a black eye, so to make small talk.

 I asked my friend where'd he get his black eye from. He said "I got beat up, then they stole everything". 

He looked quite sad because I didn't laugh at his joke.Maybe i'll do a fake laugh next time. Like this "ehhehahehahhahahahhahahahahaha."

Lower self vs higher self part 1

I watched leos video on this topic yesterday. I thought i'd contemplate on it a little.

So apparently the lower self comes out when I feel threatened in some way. I'd have to agree. My lower self comes when I just walk on campus. I see these people with friends and this reminds me that I don't have any. This causes me to feel stress; and a bunch of shit. So I obviously find a way to alleviate it. Which is not good for my goals. If I try to avoid school; well then I skip class. If I go to school; I have a hard time doing other things after.

The solutions I can come up with is.( NOT IMPLEMENTING IT YET BECAUSE I'M STILL WORKING ON OTHER TASKS)

1. Meditate for like an hour a day( this gives me much more awareness of my thoughts)
2. Make sure your higher self comes out using a morning routine or something.
3. Reframe the situation.
   1. As a child I had reframed this situation as like; I am focusing on important things while they are wasting time with friends. This is the wrong approach.
   2. View it as like working out. Just suffering. Just something you need to power through
4. Make friends

I need to implement all of them. I need to work on myself while making friends.

I forgot to upload my yesterdays post but it was about suicide. PS THIS IS JUST A THOUGHT. IT COULD BE A VERY BAD WAY OF APPROACHING THIS. Basically if I wanna die; then go ahead and die. Actively try to kill yourself from facing these fears or chasing your dreams .That is the correct way to die. If you want to fly with wings. Go jump off a cliff; see if you'll grow wings. If you survive after that jump. Jump again until you die. Choose to die; then to be half dead. 

For example making friends. I'm afraid of rejection. So; this is what you do. You go to class say hi to the person next to you and get rejected. Your goal is to die. So; the more painful it is; the better. You get rejected in front of 300 people. The higher the hope you have. The more painful the fall will be. If you die; then you die.

Now here's the problem. My lower self wants friends. My higher self doesn't give a fuck. So my motivation isn't aligned between these 2 peeps and therefore am not willing to die just because I don't have friends currently. But I do sense that I have that sort of motivation to really face this hard hard fear of mine due to the depression sometimes.

MY MIND KINDA WENT OFF TOPIC HERE

Objectively, friends don't provide too much value. It's the loneliness that kills you. It's the lack of connection.  So what my higher self has come up with is making an app/working on projects. My higher self wants to help lots of people. It doesn't care about me. But my higher self somewhat understands that in order to help others. I must be healthy. So what i'm saying here is that theoretically we don't need to deal with making friends.

This is why i'm having a hard time getting motivated by school. I am having a hard time connecting the higher self with school. I do understand in that it would be helpful to have all this knowledge. But why not just go straight to helping people?  Then to learn knowledge that I may need.

Why higher self should be valued over the lower self?

It shouldn't be. I'm so confused. The idea is to make sure that the lower-self and the higher self is happy. Make sure what the lower self is doing isn't hurting the higher self. These 2 need to be integrated. In leos video it sounds like he just cares about the higher-self because idk. When these 2 cohesively live together. We get a happy hoomon.

 

Edited July 19, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Joke of the day

Usually when I walk with people around me; I get self-conscious. I'm thinking oh my god their looking at me. In their mind their probably like. That dinner was so delicious. In reality the only person looking is myself. I find it kinda funny in reality.And useful to make sure I feel less threatened while walking in public.

 

thought i'd write about hating video games.PS obviously this is not all players. But a very large proportion of them.

They make me feel bad.

The people who play, a lot of the time are fillled with hatred

Their energy being sucked out. 

Their potential being drained

Spending the little time we have on this earth.  

Escaping it.

 

Today was the first time I ever heard myself saying I hate video games. Thought i'd capture it. While it lasted. The energy of the people are so often toxic. We are just doing nothing. We are literally like a factory worker. Working for the gaming companies. Playing the same scenarios over and over. But they make it feel different. It's like going into a room; except their moved their furnature. The toxic culture is only going to get worse. As more people go in.

 

Maybe this is belief is occuring because my lower-self knows that my higher-self will not be happy. 

Edited July 20, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Yesterday all my homework is due. So we are going to be using internal motivation for a bit.

I'm going to try to incorporate more variety into my schedule so that I am happier.

• 1 hour meditation
• 2 hours working on my app
• 5 hours working on my homework
• 1 hour of reading

 

[Proactive]

i'm pretty worried about myself in the future. I'm just gonna be alone. I'm barely even doing anything to change it.

I am visioning myself at 30. Just rotting away at this house. Where I'm just trying to numb myself from all this pain. I really am headed towards this path.

There's trauma probably. There's fear.

The main problem is my values. I just don't value humans in the moment. I don't like small talk. I feel like going to a party would be pointless and a waste of time.(if i've gone like a couple times already). That sort of stuff.

One moment i'm like I want friends. 

The next i'm like friends are a waste of time. This is the reason why I can't take action.

The only way; is to find the correct friends. The correct personality types. I shouldn't view socializing with these people as like a job. I should be interested. I should enjoy it. Im such an fucking intp.

When i'm attempting to make friends. what I'm doing is like; trying to be everyones friend. I should be looking for the correct people.

Edited July 21, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Tooday is the day. I start my journey on Mastering my mind. Mastering focus,emotion, and thoughts.

We must contemplate on all this. I need to spend a lot of time on this work.

 

By the end I would like the ability to understand how to control myself. If I set a goal. I can do it. By the end I will know how to tap into creativity. I just want to understand who I am. How I work.

 

What things should I be focusing on?

• Thoughts. Awareness of what is going on. Feelings. Where do they come from?

 

Motivation

Motivation is not only dictated by your self-talk(JUNE 26TH). But it is also dependent on the hierarchy you have created.  The correct hierarchy is one in which you are growing at the correct pace such that you achieve flow.

The scale at which you imagine your goals to be is dependent on the speed at which you are moving through this hierarchy. The faster you are moving. The bigger picture goals you must set. So that it is just perfect.

[Proactive]

Hello hoomon.

I'm at the brink of society. At the edge. At another world. The world of the dark night sky.

Next time you feel detached from a purpose.

Remember

Look up; and see the dark night sky. Briming with stars and the unexplored magic of the universe

Remember how small we are; how small the earth is

How short our lifetime is.

 

So; I just remembered why I started physics degree. Was actually an astronomy major. I was just super curious about the sky. About what is out there. What motivates me the most is not who i'm going to be. But where i'm going to be.

This sort of thing can be applied to coding. Math. Not just Physics.

 

Edited July 22, 2019 by Proactive