Connection

[Proactive]

External

• Read through entire math package; and understand all examples - B
• Meditate for the second time with focus on the beauty of nature - F

Internal

• Emphasis on self-love -B
• Emphasis on focus - B

So; past 2 days I have not had time to review my big goals in the morning. It's cuz I can't fall asleep at 11:00 and I have class early(but not today). Also I should write out the daily goals into my app incase I forget what the goals are.

So yesterday I was told I could not take a course as a co-requisite which was a course I paid for and finished half of it. So in order to cope with the pain; I played some video games. Now I feel it is much easier to start playing.

I think the second half improved, but I was actually losing focus after like 4 hours of studying. So I ended up doing not intensive tasks. Which is fine. Keep improving. So just like a workout I will keep pushing until that point. Then maybe i'll get less tired eventually.

[Proactive]

GRILLS PART 1

So I feel the pain again. This is where my addiction should come in and save the day. I see grills walking around and I want one, I normally play video games to feel better. But I shalt try to not to do it. I shall find a cool solution. It needs to make me feel good. 

• this includes things like
• Going out for a walk and detach
• meditate
• learning something NEW
• buy a grill
  • in order to buy a grill I need to go into a store
    • Then I need to approach the grill with no cash or anything
      • Then i'd need gas; I'd need to learn how to use a grill
        • then once I get one, who knows if I still want it
        • there's also a bunch of maintenance I need to do

when I see a grill it just makes me feel pain. I think it is important for me to get one. Then would this insecurty fade away? The sad thing is;

1. grills break; and can get stolen. Then your left without a grill again
2. Being needy for a grill makes it harder to get one I think.
3. In order to feel better, my solution is to get a grill.

as you can see 2 and 3 contradict each other. I tried self-love for like an hour or 2 but it didn't work. Just sitting there and loving myself was not strong enough. Humour made better(this post). Imma try to just be really grateful for what I have and see if it works. Yes, yes it does so far. Good job proactive

Edited May 9, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

So yesterday I felt quite hopeless; I was kinda hoping for a solution that does not require me to face my fears. I went back home and played an entire day of video games. Something for future contemplation is my meditation session quality is usually directly associated with how my days go. Correlation or causation?

What I gotta do is slowly ease into society. One small step at a time. There is another problem here; a lot of times the goal of being social. Having friends, having a support system contradicts my goal of being a "physicist". 

The solution here is to get physics friends. I don't think I need a grill. I just need a support system. It's not about having friends. It's about having the correct friends. That's why I always found friends to be limiting when I was younger. What would make me happy is having some homework friends. I don't mind going out and doing some new activity every once in a while with friends; but if the activities are way too often I would think it's a "waste of time".

Having a grill that fits me would be nice. But my goal is to get a support system that works for me.

I notice my conversations are always shallow; a lot of the times I'm just asking questions just to get rid of the awkward silence.I should be talking about things I am interested in( some may find me interesting; others not). What I need is not conversations though.

How to get a support system?

• Give to people, they will feel the need to give back
  • Be careful to not expecting something back. Give because you like to. Give because you love them.
• Show thy true self.
  • I think I may have some trust issues. Which is caused by my past. I will need to go over this eventually
    • I will first have to know my true self
      • Once I know him. I may be ashamed of some stuff and try to hide it. Thinking that I will not be accepted if they knew this
        • How do you share this stuff? Self-love? Again?
          • I think I am kinda walking away from self-love. It is important It has helped me through some really rough times.
            • Maybe my definition of self-love is incorrect.(refer to figure 1.1)
              • Self-love is not everything. Self-love + taking action is what I should be doing.
                • A really good place to do this is over the internet playing games. I am still shy talking over the microphone. The things I shoud be talking about is not what is going on in the game. Sometimes people joke around and yeah.
                  • obviously video games are bad for my "physicist" goal. I will limit myself to 1 day of gaming(thursdays).
                • A JOB
                  • I created a resume; but I need to actively look for a job. Put more effort in. During this job. There is a chance.
                  • Being in an environment where I talk. Will make me less awkward; thus friendships can bloom easier.

1.1 What is self-love

self-love is the unconditional acceptance of oneself. So If I were to have total self-love. I should be fine as a loner. I should be fine as whatever. But I am a social animal and I enjoy social contact.

I cannot deny that it feels nicer to be accepted; then iscolated. If I were to just accept i'm a loner. Then I'll never be able to get social(which is something I want). Then I may start denying that I want friends; I am FINE ALONE OK. 

Random breakaway

If I were out of school and was just able to go create my projects that help humanity. I could neglect needing this; because I have my projects. Everything feels okay. BUT that is not what i'm doing right now. So going down this train of thought would lead me to decide if going to school is correct. I would say it isn't that bad of a choice because I use the concepts I learn in school onto my projects. There is also a external motivation that I currently cannot replicate. School may not guarentee a job; but it improves my chances and widens the amount of jobs I can do.

what I will be doing summary.(3 days) - If I finish my physics assignment early. I will reward myself with video games with my fixed microphone

• I Will actively look for a job
  • write a cover letter for starbuck jobs
• I will fix my microphone on my computer
• I will realize self-love is not the sole solution to everything.
• I will need to work really hard on my physics assignment cuz its hard
• I need to remember that I am living in the game of life because school makes me feel like I HAVE TO FINISH MY ASSIGNMENT.
  • does not feel good having my freedom taken away even though it is my choice to go to school
• (BONUS POINT) - FINISH ASN 2

Edited May 10, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

So I couldn't finish my physics asn; so I consider my weekend a fail becasue I spent so much time playing video games.

I've been feeling apathy lately. I have not been enjoying school because I "have to " do homework. Feels like I don't have enough time because video games makes time fly so fast.

If I want to survive, I can't just work 3-5 hours a day. I have to dedicate atleast like 5-8 hours of work a day.In order to stop gaming. I need a life where I am really excited and happy.

Here's what i'll try.

Unfortunately. I have classes that end at 9:30pm. So on those days i'll try to sleep at 10:30. If I take melatonin; I can wake up earlier. 6:00 am is the goal for now. Really though; I should be getting 4 hours of free time before a class. Here's where i'll get in the zone every morning and just do work. We can atleast get the 2-3 hours of work done there as well as meditation. This start that I use to do makes me happy because I feel productive.

From there I may go to the library; or head to class depending on the day. I will start a hobby of art. I will draw; write poems; whatever feels cool. When I feel tired and wanna take a long break. I will share it on this or maybe a new journal possibly? Think about the universe whatever. 

Now if I feel like i'm making a difference in the world or explore reality in some way. I get a lot happier and can cope with being alone for a really long time. I WILL DEDICATE 1 HOUR A DAY to creating something that may help humanity, or thinking about ideas I could try regardless of how much homework I have, or if I'm gonna fail a test. regardless of how tired I am or whatever! If i'm feeling lonely; do something about it by creating something. Now I have a cue for my habit when I come home from school. I put my backpack on the floor. Open up the computer and go on youtube. Then that may spiral onto playing video games. I cannot count on uninstalling because i've done that plenty of times.

By doing this; not only will I be quite happy long, and short term theoretically. But hours won't go by without me noticing. I can gain control of my time. 16 hours can seem really short.

Now i've said a bunch of things that i'm going to do. I'm doing these things in order to feel a certain way.

• Mornings. Feel productive happy; and excited to conquer the day
• Evenings feel like i'm a part of society. Fight off lonliness; while attempting to maximize productivity
• Nights - Honestly just chill from here since i'm making my nights shorter. Decompress; watch videos. By this time I should be too tired to feel like playing video games. There will be times where my course load is insane(like next semester). We will try to move back the dinner time. Or go to sleep even earlier.

to future proactive if you still need to improve. Do like 30minutes where you just review what you learnt for the day or look at the impossible problem to allow your subconscious mind to do some work while your asleep

NOW AM I GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS OR WHAT 

good night time to sleep

ATTEMPT #2 - finish physics assignment

 

 

Edited May 15, 2019 by Proactive

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 4/8/2019 at 1:59 AM, Proactive said:

Heyyyyyyyyyy, this proactive for actualized.org

This was the best part of Leo's video, haha. I missed that! 

[Proactive]

@Gabriel Antonio I may start making some youtube videos in the future and I know exactly what my intro will be  hehehehe.

 

Here's a video that shows what a heroes journey looks like ish. Where they sacrifice everything in order to acheive their goal. If I have this perspective of what i'm doing is honorable; I would feel much more fulfuilled and motivated. Further contemplation required

 

[Good-boy]

Reading your journal made me dizzy, but i definitely felt the connection. ?

Edited May 21, 2019 by Good-boy

[Proactive]

I use to get dizzy reading journals as well. The secret is to stop shaking my head while reading. @Good-boy

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy, it's me

How'd you do on your physics homework you ask?

Well, since your so eager to know; I almost finished it. But that actually doesn't matter, what matters is that I really focused on it, and got into the zone while working on it a couple of times. My goals should be entirely internal and on things I can control.

So here's a reminder to myself, I've been resisting the fact that life has no meaning in a way. This is because having meaning makes me feel energized, and motivated. This only made my life feel more meaningless and depressing. Just sit down and accept whatever it is, that's generating that meaninglessness. BTW I only watched like 10mins of leos video on the meaning of life and couldn't bear to continue watching, because it's wrong, the real answer to the meaning of life is actually 42. Maybe i'll calculate it on one of these posts someday

Honestly though, there's a concept I learnt from a rsd video recently where they talk about Maximizing engagement but minimizing attachment. I think that is a very good way to live life. That's what i'm aiming for hehehehe.

Recap of all the main goals i've made and the steps on how to accomplish these goals

• Getting friends
  • improve social skills
    • getting a job
      • will allow for a constant source of interacting and improving social skills
    • don't judge,
      • my judgement about things like body language is particularly bad because of how focused I am on them
      • it'll ruin your mood if it's a bad judgement upon yourself.
  • Be vulnerable
    • Contemplate about the fact that I'm afraid of making friends because i'm scared they'll hurt me
• Removing addiction
  • I think there's currently nothing that can make me forget about the world faster than video games. That's sometimes good if you are too stressed. Or in too much pain.
  • At the same time; it is a source of pain if I end up playing too much.
    • If I let this take over my life. Then my life in reality will be non-existant; and possibly even disable my ability to play video-games due to financial shit.
      • This is a decision I need to make with regards to what world matters the most. See figure 1.1 -I STOPPED CONTEMPLATION AFTER HERE. HOPEFULLY WILL CONTINUE ANOTHER DAY
  • The emphasis I have been putting on focusing on the process has not helped with this goal
• Becoming a magician(physicist just different words lol)

FIGURE 1.1) Decision about which world I want to live in. From a young age, I did not want to be part of this world because I was not accepted into most social environments. Even my goal of being a physicist is being influenced. I was hoping that physics would allow me to escape reality as well, I saw documentaries about the world that physicists see. I saw a super high skill ceiling and interesting game that I could dedicate my life to.                   Now which world is better? Which world will yield maximal engagement and least attachment?

So video games does give me max engage + least attach; however I do have to live in this world, atleast sort of. I could live my life in a boring, but not painful factory for as few hours neeeded to survive. Then come home and escape reality. This option is not good because it's hard to sustain this lifestyle

1. VIDEO GAME WORLD
   1. deterioration of health
   2. fun, easy route
   3. The gap between rich and poor is going to get larger, meaning i'll have to work harder to survive than now.
   4. A.I can take over my job
2. Real world
   1. Life will be bad for now. There's nothing that's as fun as video games. It'll be unbearable. 

So the ultimate decision is to remain in this world. Uninstall all my games. On thursdays I'll install them back on and play. After i'm done for the day I will uninstall all my game.Youtube,netflix,twitch,ect is blocked on MONDAYS-WEDNSDAYS(except educational content). As I've said in one of my posts about how i'm gonna do shit, during the beginning, when pressure is low is when we apply pressure onto ourselves. The only entertainment I will have for these days are books,contemplation,music,meditation, and creating art.

If I don't do what i'm saying I will do, i'll take a 20$ bill and rip it up, or do something humiliating. Then I will take a picture of it and show my mom that i'm wasting her money without telling her about this thing i'm doing. If I do as my schedule as stated. I will buy myself coffee on saturday and sundays.

If I DO THIS 3 TIMES.  I can choose to double the amount I rip or add on a more difficult socially humiliating stuff. And i'll obviously post the ripped paper on here, or record myself doing that.

-------

A somewhat painful punishment is I could sit on the grass by the school where a lot of people hang out. Take off my backpack. Ask someone on the side to secretly film me. Do a front flip in the field. Then just sit there for 5 minutes. Meditating with the pose. I will not speak to anyone. If anyones got any good punishments or rewards I can give myself. My weaknesses are talking to people, and joining groups. So I won't do anything too harsh with respect to that.

Edited May 26, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Howdy fellas!

This is just some contemplation to discover more about me with regards to socializing. 

So in high-school I stopped talking to people in school from gr 8-10. I remember myself thinking that people are nice to me. Sure I don't get close to people; but atleast they won't hurt me as long as I look normal. I started talking to some psychologists and I worked on my anxiety, and really challenged myself until gr 12. Where my priority shifted to school.

Now here I am. Idk if I just suck at talking because of lack of experience. Or is it just because i'm afraid. I worked at sales job during the summer and I was good at it. I worked on things like volume; and everything. First year I would force myself to go to a few clubs even when I didnt feel like it. I talked, and acted like a normel person for a bit. However as time went on; my priority shifted back to school and I would tell myself that I have lots of homework to do instead of socializing.

Fear stops me a lot. My confidence with regards to socializing is deteriorating once again. So right now I'm in a feedback loop that I just realized i've been working on getting rid of. Essentially it's I feel bad because I have no friends(which makes me feel different from everyone else). This deteriorates my confidence. Thus it's even harder to make friends. I've been working on getting rid of that feeling by focusing on not judging/having no identity, and it's been pretty good. I'm relatively happy.

• So basically I created this post to ask why am I so bad at socializing.
  • Why do I care?
    • It makes my social interactions unpleasant.
      • Why is it unpleasant
        • I have difficulty knowing when to speak;and what to say. I then judge their facial expressions and assume some stuff.
          • I then iscolate myself from them becuase of these judgements like they don't like me. - Which i've actually been working on
          • The other aspect is I have a lot of fear, especially when there's more than 1 person.
            • Now conquering fear, the way that I use to do it was going slow. Gradually exposing myself to more, and more scary situation. Eventually you get sum good momentum.
            • The other technique I've never used. But can be useful when I have difficulty finding activities to go to and such is visualization.

One day i''m gonna write my fears here. I'm gonna aim to do them. I can easily interact with strangers. But I can't make friends. I can't interact with groups of people. 

How much of my socializing skill is due to fear? Due to lack of social skills? Due to my natural personality?

I remember someone once left a comment here saying that essentially following your passion will make me more confident. And that's a good start.

I probably won't directly challenge my anxiety too much as that is too time consuming. So I can't directly face my fears. I gotta find other less time consuming things.

 

Edited May 28, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

One thing I noticed today is that I'm not a kid anymore. I don't look cute anymore .  use to use it to my advantage. So some of the habits are still here. But their effects don't work. My old ways of attracting attention look kinda weird now that I'm an adult.

There are situations such as being in a group; then the group members start talking to each other and I feel left out. A normel person would join them. Instead; I am reminded how I am a loner; and I feel bad and yeah. 

One thing I did that was kinda different and something I never planned to do was participate in class. I think I answered the most questions in class today; even though they were soooooooooooooo off because I misunderstood every single question.(not paying enough attention or something). This is what i'm afraid of by ansewring questions; and I should be aware that it doesn't even feel that bad. Who cares if I look stupid? I looked really stupid. lol. I think I should do more of it. I chose to answer all the easy questions my prof had asked. As I get more and more confident. And care less about looking stupid; I should aim to answer all the questions. The reason I answered questions cuz nobody answers them.

Summary of things to be conscious aboot

• Catch my thoughts about my identity being a loner; and just be aware of them.
• Take more risks in class; be okay with answering a question that you think you'll get wrong.

These past 2 days I started not caring about what people think more. I do actual things that prove it like starting a conversation, participating in class, ect. Rather than just feeling that I don't care about what people think. While walking. So thats good thats good.

 

Edited May 29, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

So I have a problem with paying attention to instructions and I have a difficult mainly hearing what people say. I feel stupid as fuck. What do I do?

The truth is; stupid does not have a definition. Calling someone stupid makes no sense. This is something that has been said a lot in my life; this persons smart; this persons stupid. From now on; stupid does not have a definition. if stupid doesn't exist, then smart doesn't too.

There are those who understand things a certain way; and others that don't. For example a teacher is heavily focused on words, then some may get it the first time the teacher says something.

No matter how hard you try; you come at the bottom of the ladder. What do you do?

Idk? You can give up; or keep trying.

In reality, nobody(not even yourself) knows if you'll one day come at the top of this ladder. The possibility can be very low; but still. Imagine how inspiring it would be if you overcame that possibility. Nothing is impossible.

What about me flying in 2 seconds? It's possible! just slightly unlikely.

Look at yourself like an underdog if you are still pursuing this shit. Even if you are at the bottom of the ladder remember that you are gaining something from the experience itself. See each set back as an opportunity to overcome even greater odds.

I do not intend to stop studying physics. So FUCK YOU BITCH.99% of people believe i'll fail. Most people don't believe in me; I have no evidence that i'll be a great physicist. But I do not intend on giving up.I'm still gonna try. I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna give it my all and still fail. Right now; i'm enjoying what i'm learning. That's a good sign to keep moving forward.

Btw - I am not doing that bad right now. But I just feel stupid so yeah. and I should definitely become a motivational speaker.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

idk if I've ever said this before. But I realized that exploration is so important to me. I was studying inside the history building today; and just looking at a couple of charts, and other stuff just lifted my mood up drastically. I think I wanna read history or biographies as a break.

Speaking of breaks. I need to take more of it. I was just stuck in that unproductive state;because I studied too long. The first 3-5 hours I can go pretty hard. After that I need to start using the pomodoro technique. Basically after I get tired; I will use it.

I usually have 1 session where I am really in the zone. After that session; I get exhausted. That is where i'll take a meditation break + maybe other stuff.

 

[Proactive]

Heyyyyyyy; so i'mma just do a random post with no topic in mind. Cuz youtube; and video gamres are blocked.

What i've been doing is just fucking working hard on this phys asn. I found I am getting use to it more. After I had failed my 1 phys class like 1 year ago. I was forced to take fewer classes each semester. But after this semester; it's gonna be very hard. Idk if I can manage this workload. I was watching whim hoff like yesterday; and essentially he said we are more capable than we think. I am deciding to believe in this. I found it extremely beneficial. Of course he proved this by making people go into an ice-bath for 10 mins without training.

Guess i'll share the best part of my morning journal here. 

I live by

1. We are more capable than we think. Challenge yourself
2. Give all parts of yourself, as well as others unconditional love
3. Curiousity/exploration, have that child-like optimism about the world
4. Humble - i'm gonna die soon. My skills are not permanent; I'm just a flash of light. Amongst the billions of stars
5. Focus on what you can control
6. Learn for the sake of learning
7. Be engaged, but not attached. Life is a game

I've been working really hard; and that is great! But there is a still a lot of things that I could improve to make my life more magical. So; once again. I'm not meditating consistently. So how am I to do this?

So; why don't I meditate? Because there's usually something else to do. Like right now I could be meditating. I think the problem is just simply that i'm not putting enough reminders to meditate. I don't wanna do something insane like my gaming habit; cuz that'll give me too much pressure. Every time I come back home from school and want to stay for atleast 3 hours. I must meditate 20mins. How am I gonna remind myself? sticky notes are boring. I will find a big rock outside and put it on my table. Once i've meditated; I can put it on the ground.

[Proactive]

1 meditation session = Horrible

Felt very very restless because of events that just happend. So; usually this is an indicator of how focused I am to do my tasks today. Usually it's a accurate representation of how focused I am for the day; but that might not be true because of this external influence on my day. We shalt see. We shalt see.

[Proactive]

Am I going around in loops? Yes. I sort of am. I say i'm gonna do something; I do it for a week. Then it crashes. Then I put it back up again. Of course I have made progress I would say. I'm sometimes going in a loop; sometimes trying new things. My gauge of success is basically am I happy; and am I accomplishing enough in school. So i'm just tweaking shit.

The easiest path to acomplishing enough in school is the morning again! The morning which I had stopped waking up to after I had to stay super late on several days in a row to do my hmk. Another thing I am not actively telling myself is that happiness = success in school. If i'm unhappy; what I'll do is go towards my addictions to satisfy myself .  Happiness = focus/zone.

My current problem is on weekdays I get tired very quickly. After school; I'll come back home and be unfocused. I have been meditating when I come home which is helping with a bunch of stuff.(2 days so far so yeah). 

1ST goal. Sleep earlier; I've been falling asleep at like 3-4:00am everyday. My goal until this physics class is finished(in like a month). Is to sleep at 12:00am.

Schedule when I come home

1. MEDITATE
2. TAKE YOUR TEA KETTLE OFF THE DESK 
3. Organize your desk.
4. Take out your fucking phone. And open up a timer. And tada! you are ready for the next 25 mins.
5. After that 25mins. Take however long of a break you desire.
6. When your ready. Take a second studying session.

Now; I did end up breaking my addiction by watching 1 10min video yesterday. I rationalized it by saying this channel doesn't provide non-educational material. After I just watched one(that provided the educational content); so I clicked on the next one and literally; was gone for the 10 mins. When it was over I asked myself the question.  I have a hilarious video of me realizing that I actually had to tear up the money while in mid shock after realizing that I actually had to do it. Then I failed in 2 ways; 1 I can't load up the video =( . Secondly cuz the money is made of plastic; so there was some buildup in the video; then bam. I couldn't rip it.

 

[Proactive]

I close my eyes. Pure darkness. The world fades away. Society no longer exists. I no longer exist. I soar through the darkness; exploring the light within my imagination. There's no goal other than explore this magical world. To uncover a new land within this world.

So thats basically what I dreamed about being able to do as a physicist.

Anyways here a kewl video that reminds me about how i'm gonna die

Flow part 3

How to get into flow. Focus. Your mind has to not care about failure; has to be detached from outcome. But still maintain the pressure you obtain from the desire to achieve that goal. Your desire for human connection,status, thoughts about the self. All must be transferred to this one thing your doing.

I'mma create an exercise. So one solution i've tried is to just close your eyes and just feel what it is your feeling. The problem here is that you can get really stuck there for hours. Just sitting and feeling "bad". There are other days where i'm just sitting there trying to just power through the suffering which doesn't work because my feeling brain is much stronger than my thinking.

What i'll do is do something that uses external forces. Write down what your feeling in your journal here. A lot of the time; my suffering is due to a frame i'm looking at the world through. Then just close your eyes and get into objective reality; notice your feet on the ground. Notice gravity pulling you down. Focus on your breathe. Until you feel ready to open your eyes. Focus on the colours. disregard the dualities between the objects. When your ready; get started on your homework.  This exercise will need revisions.

Something i've never tried is doing homework in that state. I don't think it'll work. 

Edited June 9, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

So; I have a hard time making friends. This is because I don't go out very much and I probably have some bad belief. I can get into shallow friendships; but I have a hard time getting into deeper friendships. This is probably because I have some stuff I'm ashamed about.

What are these things?

I'm ashamed about having no friends. If I have no friends I therefore have no value. That is obviously not true. But it is something I believe subconsciously. Because I've not had friends for most of my life; I believe I am bad at socializing. I'm use to being iscolated from the group. So because of this belief. Even if I really wanna be part of the group; I'll be petrified with fear. I feel fear. That is the problem. Not ashamed

I'm afraid they'll attack me. (I think I talked about this topic before but whatever, we are all goldfishes.) Fear is dealt with by slow exposure. So that means being attacked by other people. Now I am very receptive to suggestions that may come off as harsh. But I don't think I can deal with people attacking me straight up.

What is really odd was when I was really young before I had no friends and was iscolated; I was the opposite; I had a lot of friends, I remember making witty comebacks to people that insulted me. So I actually have a split personality depending on who I perceive myself to be because sometimes this guy comes out and I seem like a total normel person.

I was never really normel though. I've always been different in some way. I'mma just write down all the things that was weird about me as a child

Edited June 10, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I wonder if anyone reads my journals anymore . I've just been posting the same shit over and over lol.

Anyways. Happiness -> success in school -> Success in school -> I gain lot of knowledge and more opportunities to chase my dreams.

Happiness also feels nice so that is good. I am a sad boi. WHhen your sad you try to feel better. However I notice if I am happy; I don't feel like my energy is drained and shit and therefore can do the things I plan to do.

I must I MUST start socializing again. That will make me atleast not sad. all the time. I said I would get a job. I applied to literally 3 jobs. None replied. So what shall I do to make me a happy boi. My study location is always somewhere secluded. Somewhere where there's no people to judge me. Also if people around me are too happy that makes me sad.  

My GOAL IS NOT TO MAKE FRIENDS, FUCK FRIENDS THEY SUCK. MY GOAL IS TO INTERACT WITH HUMANS MORE. AND BE ABLE TO GENERATE THOSE GUD VIBES. OK HOW SHALT I DO THIS? 

well one thing I could do is make 1 joke a day.

Then I'mma just try to get  myself out there more. before focusing on internal things. Obviously I need TO GET A FUCKING JOB. Ok. When will I apply to all the jobs I can apply for. I am quite busy with homework. I will spend 30mins applying to jobs on thursday. 30mins applying on friday. DUN.

[Proactive]

• Whaat is a joke?
  • A joke is a frame change. Except it's funny.
    • Whhy is it funny?
      • BECAUSE. its not serious? Meaning that there is no threat. laughter, It shows others that your not tense. Laughter is very important to social connection.

Joke of the day-  I was studying; then I started crying about how i'm a failure and i'll never be successful.