Connection

[Proactive]

Ok. Now I've made a goal to essentially have no identity. What I think this means is no judgement of myself or others. I think I know myself but really do I? I can never be sure what I will do 100%. I don't know what I truley want to do, I don't know what my strengths or weaknesses are( I can judge based upon what has happens in the past).

 I am doing this because it would be hugely beneficial for my mental health, would allow me to socialize better, and would improve my academic abilities.

So; I have no idea how to do this. There is the obvious choice of action, meditate so I can let go of my thoughts when I notice I am judging something.

There is also a lack of place to know how my progress is. This is not a goal that can be reached; it's kinda like exercising. You can't stop exercising once your thin. I mean I guess one thing we can do is put ourselves in environments where there is a lot to judge. Yeah so imma start with getting a meditation habit back into place first.

I will try to be really aware of what is happening in my mind to know how progress is going. Notice when I'm in a stressful environment. How I respond. It'll go up and down, but hopefully we can see an upward trend.

The difficulty with getting it on track while I am in school. Is there's always homework to do. There are deadlines that I am not sure I can complete. In order to make this stick; I need to value it more than homework; more than school. A justification I can tell myself is that it'll make my homework more enjoyable; I'll be able to think more clearly.  But the best motivation is, I am going to do it because I said so. Have to deal with distractions less. I think that I should use it as a break. I naturally feel quite tired after 3 hours of studying. So i'll insert it in there, with setting my timer to

30mins , sitting down in my meditation spot that I just created 1 second ago.Open the window. Sit down; take a deep breathe in and out. 

Other things I may explore are ways of visualizing. Ways of just getting out of my mind such as exercising might be good.

Edited April 18, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

HAYYYYYYYY, this proactive for actualized.org and in this post I'll be talking about

the process of problem solving with respect to physics and maybe compsci.

So, yesterday didn't go to well. Was not really focused. This is maybe because I was using the computer science studying model to study physics.

I want to develop a physics model for studying. With physics; I feel like we should be cementing our knowledge before we practice. When we run into problems, we go back to our notes; and make distinctions in our notes about the model then go back with new assumptions. So essentially learning physics is copying the model that is given to us using math. So there should be two tasks, model creating(notes) and model testing(questions). Most of my time should actually be in model creating. Rather than testing.

Where as I feel like computer science( with respect to the coding aspect of cs), these two are meshed. Model creating is the same as model testing. You test a small piece to see if it works, if it does, then you put it into the model.

Computer science(coding) - Its more like test knowledge, then build(this process happens in the brain making it feel easier to do).

Physics is build, then test. I should be spending more time building than testing. Understand the nuances of each model. What happens when this particle touches this weird one?

Make sure we are learning actively by note taking; or using the feynman technique. Or even in the future I could try to make stimulations. 

 

[Karla]

I love that your name is proactive and you want to be more proactive he he he. And those intros that Leo used to use in the beginning of his videos!

Seems like you may want clearer goal. I know after I first started exercising regularly (a looong time ago), annoying people got on my nerves less... and less and less— and eventually I just didn’t care about stuff that once bothered me a lot.

[Proactive]

@KarlaI guess what has been happening is that my goals have been changing as I've encountered problems(feeling disconnected/lonely). So here's my tree of goals.

• I guess my goal would be to be very engaged and excited about what I'm doing in life.(slightly broad)
  • What makes me the most excited currently is being able to model/discover something about the universe/reality using some creative approach
    •  A way of improving my chances of doing this is by learning the tools that I am likely to use(physics,compsci)
      • My app which would aid me in problemsolving/making goals once finished while improving my coding skills and a bunch of other things
      • I am also trying to be humble/have no identity/be in the moment/enjoy the journey (been focusing on this one lately)
        • which'll make me a lot happier because I won't judge myself/others as well as improving the speed at which I learn the material.(solves the problem of being disconnected)
        • Will make me less stressed as well
      • Breaking bad habits.(this one I have not focused on too much). Hopefully if I can solve the disconnection issue. The addictions will not longer need to be there. 

 

[Karla]

1 hour ago, Proactive said:

@KarlaI guess what has been happening is that my goals have been changing as I've encountered problems(feeling disconnected/lonely). So here's my tree of goals.

• I guess my goal would be to be very engaged and excited about what I'm doing in life.(slightly broad)
  • What makes me the most excited currently is being able to model/discover something about the universe/reality using some creative approach
    •  A way of improving my chances of doing this is by learning the tools that I am likely to use(physics,compsci)
      • My app which would aid me in problemsolving/making goals once finished while improving my coding skills and a bunch of other things
      • I am also trying to be humble/have no identity/be in the moment/enjoy the journey (been focusing on this one lately)
        • which'll make me a lot happier because I won't judge myself/others as well as improving the speed at which I learn the material.(solves the problem of being disconnected)
        • Will make me less stressed as well
      • Breaking bad habits.(this one I have not focused on too much). Hopefully if I can solve the disconnection issue. The addictions will not longer need to be there. 

 

Cool— Sounds like you are just progressing toward clarifying your life purpose. I get this. 

I believe “bad” habits get phased out as you get clearer and more committed to doing what you love.

SOmething that works for me is writing down my vision/ how my purpose plays out daily even if I miss in the morning, I just do it at lunch or bed time and it is very empowering and enjoyable. 

In a way, we are just our purpose and not an identity so much.

 

[Proactive]

Quote

SOmething that works for me is writing down my vision/ how my purpose plays out daily even if I miss in the morning, I just do it at lunch or bed time and it is very empowering and enjoyable. 

I've tried something like this before except I was reading my visions/affirmations. I'll definitely try writing it down instead.

Flow part 1.

So I really enjoy being in flow obviously.  I want to make it more likely, or always be in flow when I'm studying.

Flow is in between boredom and anxiety. So i've taken notes on this video( there's also a pdf to the notes in the description of his video)

There are 4 flow factors

1. FOCUS 
   1. block out distractions
   2. focus exercise( warm up routine before workout)
      • could be 5min walk, meditation, visualization
2. FREEDOM - not being afraid of making mistakes or something like that
   1. Let go and trust your own ability
   2. Permission timers
      1. 10-30min countdown. Where I will not judge my work at all
      2. then go into critique mode
3. FEEDBACK - need constant flow of info that allows oneself to know if what they are doing is correct.(CLEAR GOAL)
   1. frequent feedback maybe set a timer each hour to see what I should try to do for the next hour.
4. 4% challenge
   1. The perfect number is to do something that's 4% higher than my current skill
   2. Try to do something 4% faster.
      1. Half the time you meet the expectations
      2. the other half I don't 

Also found this kewl image on google

 

Flow to me essentially means all my attention is on one task. No distractions, I'm interested, and there's pressure.

Edited April 22, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

flow part 2:

Heyyyyy, this is proactive for actualized.org and in this post i'll be talking about Balancing pressure to obtain flow

So in order to be a successful student I must consistently be learning. The way to achieve this is by enjoying it. You can try to push your way through the pain; but i'd rather create a system where I limit the amount of pushing needed.

So; the pressure after I finish homework or tests is really low. I'll usually feel like taking a break which is fine( 8 hours max if it's prolefeed). When I do decide to start to work again; the intensity is usually gone because pressure is too low. Whereas right before the test; sometimes, I'll be too pressured, feel overwhelmed. 

So I feel like when we first start without any pressure, we apply pressure habits. As it goes nearer to the deadlines, we must substitute our pressure habits with relaxing/calming habits. So what I may try to do with my schedule. Is  i'll split it in half. If I have a asn due in 7 days; I might do 4 days of pressure schedule, and 3 days of decompressing schedule. Hopefully this will bring me closer towards the middle where flow is.

Pressure habits could be things like, setting ambitious goals, recording progress, creating a vision and heading towards it.I will start shifting more towards being in the present moment and being grateful for what I have and enjoying the process.

Pressure habits/compression habits is not really about the habits persae; but the mindset I have during the time. It does not necessarily mean I will not be doing a lot of work during decompression

Pressure mindset - would be to set a goal, try to push yourself to do the impossible, be who you want to be.

decompression mindset - enjoy the moment; enjoy life. Go out for a nature walk; breathe the fresh air. Self acceptance.

I do not intend to split up future thinking and present thinking into these two days completely. However there will be leaning towards one side.

Flow is all about balance; if I spend 12hours everyday for 7 days a week doing a task. I don't think I'll be able to get into flow because i'm so bored of the task. Maybe another topic to explore for another time.

Edited April 23, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Ok finished my final exam. My next semester starts in about 12 days lol. So what'll I do on my summer vacation? Wanna find a really cool library or something to do work in.Here's my goals for my break. 

• Finish 3 assignments
• Finish app to the point where I can use it more comfortably
  • I will make a way to delete buttons
  • I will change the data structure to a doubly linked list
  • (BONUS) - make the text that your writing be in the center of the screen. Make arrow keys to allow oneself to navigate through the textboxes without needing to use mouse.
• I will meditate every single day(30mins).

So I think the way I'll be working is I'll work on my app until I get stuck somewhere until I get really fustrated and stuff. I'll procrastinate by doing my calc assignments.

[Proactive]

expressing authentic self to others part 1

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ! I wanna talk about how to improve my social skills. I want my social interactions to be not serious. Not be so stressed. Not be so concerned about others feelings. Not being afraid of saying shit.

• Why am I so afraid of saying the wrong things? 
  • because If I do say the wrong things they will dislike me, they'll get angry at me.
    • What happens when someone has such an opinion about you?
      • they'll iscolate you, they'll be mean to you for the rest of your interactions with this person. 

Now, this is actually true. If you do say something that conflicts with someones opinion too much they'll dislike you and not want to be around you. Now that I'm older, the way it occurs is in a much more passive form which causes me to be more paranoid.

Now what I'm trying to find is the part that is irrational with my fear. The irrational part would be that If I do show my true self; others will very likely dislike me. There are certain environments that do make me feel safe to put my real self out there. There are also the vice-versa. I want to identify them and FUCKING KILL EVERY SINGLE IRRATIONAL BELIEFS.

I'm afraid of those who are "equal" in the social hierarchy such as peers

Now what I found to be the most helpful is not caring about what people think. I have been kinda working on this for a while. I have improved not caring what strangers think; like random people I see. Because there are just so many people and none of them know me so their opinions about me are invalid. But there are still scenarios such as people who know you. So if I can remove that fear. I can fully be myself. Being conscious of it is a pretty big step.

A possibility is that what i'm afraid of is not peoples opinons but that their opinions mean that I am not socially acceptable in society. That it means something bad about me. That I am a horrible person. If the truth is good; then you'll want to validate it and vice-versa. 

So overall, this is a low self worth sort of problem. A way I can try to solve this problem is by remove the duality of the hierarchy; that oneself is better than another.TO BE CONTINUED NEXT TIME ON

 

[Proactive]

8 days until my summer vacation is over.

What have I been doing? 

• I've been meditating for 45mins-1hours each day so far. 
• I've also been having a lot of fun playing games because I've been playing with another person.
• I've gotten stuck trying to make my app work. I've made 0 progress because of a problem and I'm really stuck on which approach I should take out of 2. I haven't been working on it too much
• Nor have I spent too much time doing calculus

I don't feel particularly motivated to do these things because I'm forcing myself to do these things. If I wanna get motivated to make my app I gotta think about how once I finish it. It'll give me a new medium to contemplate and set goals in. I will hopefully eventually release it online and my app could help people think more clearly about their goals. It'll help those in a rut determine how to get out of it. They can then break their goals down to slowly face their fears.(my app is not that special and technically can just be done using a word or this website the only difference really is that it can chain together like 100 goals). Would be kinda interested to see if people are interested in such an app.

• goal 1
  • goal 2
    • goal 3
• goal 1.1

anyways. Now I feel a little more motivated. Time to put on some music crack open my laptop and implement it.

[Proactive]

expressing authentic self to others part 2 + shadow work part 1

Now I left off with how do I remove that duality. In my opinion that could be done through contemplating the topic deeply and meditating(just like the answer to everything in life apparently).

So i'm gonna learn a bit about shadow work. I've tried some shadow work exercises in the past and I didn't think it was too helpful. So i'm gonna approach it using first principles.

• what is shadow to me?
  • Shadow is about looking into why my personality is the way it is. How we had to adapt/cope in order to survive in certain environments.
• What is shadow work to me?
  • Eseentially looking into the past, and somehow fixing the "trauma" inflicted on oneself.
    • How would you fix things that already happend? Things that have already injured oneself?
    • I would call it something like unresolved issues because not all anger will inflict trauma on oneself.
      • Well idk if this will correct everything but I should try to forgive those who harmed me; and attempt to give what I needed at that moment

I find self-love is crucial for being able to express your authentic self. So yeah go do that.

[Proactive]

hey its me, I just watched endgame and I wanted to spoil it. So the person who dies is. speaking of death. I want to understand death more; this is a topic I have not really explored too much; however I can see that if I am deeply aware of my death/societies death. My drive to do the things I want will increase a lot. I think i'll live a more intense life. note(sacrifice is something I want to think about as well)

Currently I want to explore different types of visions. My posts may shift from trying to understand/solve things, to just visions of different types of futures,ect. Not too certain what'll happen though.

Death part 1 

I don't think there's too much to contemplate with respect to death. I think it is just a matter of fully accepting and being aware that I have a short life. I want to incorporate this into my future morning journal. I want it to include my death,societies death, and humanities death, and maybe more.

So here is some homework for myself with respect to death. I would like to go out for a walk and just go into the moment. Then shift my attention onto death. What it feels like. I have done this before; but I think I need practice on this because I don't feel like I truly understand it.

Another thing I wanna contemplate on is death of humanity. I wanna figure out how we may die. Imagine the events that'll take place. The impact. What reality will look like after.

Vision for app

Now I feel like i'm just forcing myself to finish this app. I think I lost my initial vision. So i'll write it down here. I'll focus on this 100%, then afterwards i'll do other stuff.

We'll start with myself. Imagine, waking up going through my daily routine. Exercise,meditate, contemplate, then set my goals using my app. You write down the tasks you want to complete; you break them down as much as you can. You see how it all connects within your big goals because all the small things you are doing, are to accomplish this. All inside one file.

You use your app to problem solve as well. Breaking down problems into assumptions you are making. By writing it down, you can easily distill the emotion from your problems. As well as being able to get insight onto how i'm problem solving on homework; recording solutions I've tried. Allowing for possible reflection on how i'm problem solving and how I can improve upon it.

Now for others. So currently there are many people, who would like to execute on their plans; however do not have the discipline or whatever. Like the people who say they'll do something pretty grand but have trouble executing it(like me). I hope my app can help these people by allowing them to talk about it; break it down. Eventually,  they have to do something. Because they've broken down all steps needed. Taking action would be so much easier. 

Different types of people I see using my app( because I usually have been/am this person). Apparently this society is the most disconnected society of all, and this will be my attempt to make people less disconnected by making these people proactively try to get out of their situation. Someone who wants to get out of a job that they dislike and is unsatisfied with their life. Someone with SA. Someone who has a grand dream they want to achieve.But basically anyone can use it.

Now I think i'm making my app sound like something revolutionary ; all i'm trying to do is motivate myself. All it does is it provides a specific format for ideas to be organized in. A place to inquire about stuff. The real work is done by the person themselves(hopefully it does make it easier though). 

There is so much things that are needed to be done in order to meet the standards of normal apps. If I ever get my app to that standard. I hope to make some youtube videos on how to contemplate for people who have no experience with this stuff. As well as share all the tips I can.

[Zigzag Idiot]

5 hours ago, Proactive said:

So here is some homework for myself with respect to death. I would like to go out for a walk and just go into the moment. Then shift my attention onto death. What it feels like. I have done this before; but I think I need practice on this because I don't feel like I truly understand it.

When the movie The Sixth Sense came out, it really had an effect on me. I Invented a homemade practice I called 'playing dead' where I would escape to a mountain top in the national forest and sit for a couple of hours and just imagine myself dead like the characters in this movie. It produced some novel experiences as well as some inner quiet (oddly enough) which I was in bad need of at that time. Doesn't seem like 20 years has passed. Death IS sneaky,,,,,

 

[Preety_India]

@Proactive I like your journal. I will follow it for some tips. 

[Proactive]

@Zigzag Idiot hehe, thats a really interesting exercise. I'll try it out today.

@Preety_India Thanks, hopefully the new format of my posts that i'm trying out will still be helpful

[Preety_India]

6 hours ago, Proactive said:

@Zigzag Idiot hehe, thats a really interesting exercise. I'll try it out today.

@Preety_India Thanks, hopefully the new format of my posts that i'm trying out will still be helpful

@Proactive I like both formats. 

[Proactive]

report of summer break goals.

Finish 3 assignments - 5%

Finish app to the point where I can use it more comfortably - 75%

     I will make a way to delete buttons

     I will change the data structure to a doubly linked list

I will meditate every single day(30mins). - 50%

43% FAIL - I think the teacher disliked me. 

So i'm gonna reflect on how I couldve done better.

1. I shouldve constantly been reflecting on my goals. Seeing what I can do on that day to get closer towards my goals
2. I shouldve made a vision not only for my app but for everything before I started
3. Not play as much games would've helped( however I don't think tackeling it using discipline only is the correct approach.)

New semester, new goals. GOALS 

I have to change my approach to being a successful student. Normally my approach is I make some goals. I make a schedule, I tell myself no gaming. I'm gonna study from this time to this time. As time goes on I play a little bit and because I stopped for a long time. I play a lot. Then the cycle starts

playing video games is the quickest way to get into flow. My monkey mind shuts off. I ave 100% focus on this one thing. All other things fade away. This is probably because of the really addicting reward system. I win I gain points to get to a higher rank. I lose points to go to a lower rank. I plan on implementing something like this if I want into my app in the future.

My new attempt will really focus on having a vision and interacting with it. NOT  making a vision, then leaving it alone.

I want to start making goals; but I really need to finish my app first. Right now i'm quite lucky cuz I moved into a new house cheap and my roommate is not here, so I get the entire basement to myself. New environment means a new chance to set habits. My habits should be based around maximum efficiency in my projects + schoolwork. I have to be at my best; I cannot be spending 6+ hours a day online. To do both of these. 

[Proactive]

wow. That was faster than I thought for the first time in my life. So I finished my app to the point where it is usable now. I also made a resume.

VISION ATTEMPT 1  - BECAREFUL THE CURRENT ENTRY IS DIFFERENT THAN USUAL. 

These are the 3 things I will try to implement consistently

• I want flow.
• I want to explore different cool realities/perspectives
• I want a calm non-judgemental mind.

There are 2 activities; I am looking at in the future. My work life; as well as my other life. I want to make sure that my vision incorporates me being happy in both. Or else the unhappiness from one will spill over onto my other life. 

other life

Here I am. A happy guy for no reason really. My mind is empty. No thoughts; just observations(not judging).  Connected with nature. Just the simple simple life. No comparing; I just go through the typical daily chores. Washing dishes,doing laundry, making food,whatevs. Everything is chill. I don't judge myself for having no friends, It's just something I've accepted; but am still open to it if the right moment comes. Life is meaningless so who cares. You'll die. I'll die. But of course i'll die less painfully than you

Work life

Calmness seeps through me. I close my eyes and I can see the universe; the small and the big( from humanities perspective of course). Everything is so beautiful; I just imagine a white feather slowing falling with the blue sky in the back. Swaying back and forth. Slowly; taking its time. Everything is just so beautiful.

I sit in my chair. Attempting to fit in the puzzle piece that humanity has not yet fit in. I try many elegant solutions that are just as beautiful as that feather. Not because I want the correct piece; but because I can see more creative realities/perspectives. I crack open my pencil or computer. 3 hours of 100% of my attention is spent on running this test to see if my perspective was correct.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I must say that this app works really well for me after using it the first time. I think it is a good product. I will work my hardest to try to finish it and release it. I need to make a list of features that I must implement before it is usable for normal people.(but I think i'm just gonna use it more before I actually start working on it again.)

• Saving the file needs to work like microsoft word or notepad. Currently I have to go into my code to change the file i'm reading and writing from.
• Normal things like ctrl-a and ctrl-s, all these shortcuts should be implemented
• When a text box is selected . We must center it on the screen
• fix bug where when I save a file the textbox height gets larger
• fix other bug where when I create new textbox, underneath. It will enter in a new line.

After this I will start looking for people to give feedback.

Here's a part of my contemplation from my app that is what one of my goals is.

• How do I  become a master of learning?    
  • We must develop habits + techniques
    • I must start experimenting see which type of learning is best for me.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

HEY WATS UP. MY HOMIES

I think I am improving. I've used the new environment to release my gaming addiction(so far I have survived without it for 6 days). I've started meditating again. I study fairly hard. I'm fairly satisfied with the first half of the day.

The second half needs improvement. When I get home. I'll go online, make dinner. Watch youtube videos. I'll feel disconnected; and run towards the youtube videos. I think it only makes me more disconnected; and I feel pretty sad. This is supposed to be a break. But it is not. 

I'll try to stay at school as long as I can. Its good practice since my judgemental mind comes out more often when I am with people. It also makes me feel connected. The library is good for studying. It's just a matter of preparing.

However; I should still prepare for both situations. Maybe one day I decide to go home for some reason. The problem is when I come back I feel disconnected. When we come back we should focus on impact, big picture thinking. I do a second meditation session. I could do some contemplation. When I feel ready. I will hit the books again. 

When i'm eating dinner I have a habit of watching something. From there i'm afraid it'll spiral out of dinner time by a lot. When i'm eating dinner I will not eat it in my room. My desk is for studying and contemplation. Go over the morning vision/journal thing that I am still making. Remind myself of how I should be living. Something I reallly really really miss doing is going out for walks during the night. It provides me with some good connection with nature.

In order to make sure I actually do the things I say I am going to do. I will eventually hang up things like morning rituals. Values. Habits i'm breaking(kinda don't know about this one cuz it will remind me of the addiction).

Here are the goals I set for today. Ratings(0%,25%,50%,75%,100%)

Internal

1. Be aware of the processes of learning - 0%
2. Be focused on calculus and get into the zone -75%

External

1. Finish asn 2 - 100%

I feel like video games can have a purpose. It is really fun, I also get a chance to talk(if I play the correct game). Really good painkiller(took out my wisdom teeth; but because i'm so focused on the game I don't really feel it). However I must be very very specific with the environment in order to play it. For now; I'm gonna avoid it.

Edited May 8, 2019 by Proactive