Fear of not being accepted

[Elisabeth]

I went through the "dealing with fear" and "releasing your greatest fear" videos in the Life Purpose course. That was hard, and I can feel it's not done yet. 

It seems my greatest fear is not being accepted. I'm not sure how fundamental it is, but it's very immediate in my life. (I think it's actually not being accepted => not being supported => being alone & not being able to take care of myself => suffering/dying, but the top layer is most visible and readily transferred to various social situations.)

I'm sure it comes from childhood, i.e. an image of mom scolding me for some perceived wrong immediately comes to mind.

I've tried to release the fear during the video, and I don't think I did, I just came to better see the areas where it affects me. Like me being afraid to set goals for myself that my parents wouldn't approve of, me having exam anxiety, me being afraid to show my real self at work, me choosing a partner who's really good at accepting my emotional self (and valuing this trait so greatly that I just accept other stuff), etc. 

What puzzles me is, I am currently in a state of not being accepted by my parents, yet the fear doesn't diminish. We had a fight over Christmas, they rejected my partner choice and basically my entire lifestyle, and now I'm very hesitant to speak to them at all. Basically, the worst case scenario I imagined came true, yet there is no relief from the fear, just emotional pain from the separation - and weirdly enough, I'm still afraid to do stuff they would disapprove of.  

Any insights? What is typically needed to work through this fear and pain? 

@Nahm ?

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Aw. You’re breakin my heart. It sure sounds like you got a whole bunch going on at once. I don’t thin you should be in “solve it” mode. I think you should be in breathing deeply & letting it go mode. Do that for a while, maybe for the night. Everything is fine Elisabeth. The problems you describe, while they might legit suck ass - they are first world problems. You are ok, and your future is going to be great. I’ve seen you, you’re smart, emotionally tuned in, and younger & smarter than me. You’re doing well.  I think stuff piled up, and now it’s kinda blowing up. It will pass. 

I think, tomorrow, you should do some work. What strikes me as the issue to take a look at is two fold:

You are young, and you still see yourself through the opinions and values, of other people. If you are 20-25, and finding it’s blows, that is a huge part of why it blows. It’s like you’ve had enough of it, but you don’t yet have clarity on it. The good news, seriously - is that you are causing your suffering. That might sound like I don’t care, but I can assure you I am saying that because I very much do care. Someone has to tell you this, and I’m out of throwing range. 

Seeing yourself through the opinions, judgements, values, morals, etc - of other people....is never ever going to feel good. You think God made you so you could try to live up to something, for someone else? Ah fuck now Elisabeth. God make perfection. Period. You are good to go, as you are. You are 100% entitled to happiness. You are taking the happiness away from yourself. You got to let this weight you’re putting on yourself, on behalf of other people, go. You can’t do that. 

Tomorrow... Write down how you see these subjects / issues. Then write down how your parents see it. There is truth in your perspective, and there is truth in there perspective. When you chill, relax, and take some time to see a little of both perspectives, then you have clarity on where each is coming from. It’s just love. I don’t care what it looks like. You’re coming from love, and they’re coming from love. 

You don’t need to be accepted by anyone. That is a clever tricky way to not accept yourself. Try to think about it simply. If you have five dollars, do you need five dollars? If you have a motorcycle, do you need a motorcycle? If you accept yourself, as you are, all the perfect imperfection - then would you feel this need for anyone else to accept you? No. You know you woudn’t. So, you don’t. 

What is it exactly, that you are afraid of? 

Then, pretend that actually happens. What would be different? 

[Gabriel Antonio]

That's a very good question. 

 

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

not being accepted => not being supported => being alone & not being able to take care of myself => suffering/dying

Bingo! You just summed up the fear of rejection. 

 

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

me choosing a partner who's really good at accepting my emotional self (and valuing this trait so greatly that I just accept other stuff)

That can be very helpful. Sometimes we can't overcome fears by ourselves; we need loving support & acceptance. 

A good therapist can also help with that. 

 

From my experience, the more you dig some fears; the stronger they become. It's like a never-ending thing. 

I just found an article that I found pretty interesting. See if it resonates with you: https://steemit.com/spirituality/@brightstar/shadow-work-and-healing-when-is-enough-enough

 

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

What puzzles me is, I am currently in a state of not being accepted by my parents, yet the fear doesn't diminish. We had a fight over Christmas, they rejected my partner choice and basically my entire lifestyle, and now I'm very hesitant to speak to them at all. Basically, the worst case scenario I imagined came true, yet there is no relief from the fear, just emotional pain from the separation - and weirdly enough, I'm still afraid to do stuff they would disapprove of.  

Can you be more specific? That is, why they rejected your partner? How is your lifestyle?

In anyway, that's very tough. Even though they say in some spiritual circles that "you don't need to be accepted by anyone but you", I don't find that to be true. We all want to be accepted, especially by the ones close to us. 

From my experience, even though separation is hard, sometimes it is necessary. If you keep seeing your parents -- and they keep disapproving you -- that will only drain your energy. That being said, after some time, you'll be more matured, and you hopefully can start relate with them again in a healthier way.

Ghosts do not live under our beds, but inside our heads... Our inner voice can be extremely critic and disapproval, or it can be loving and encouraging. To have more awareness on that, I suggest a book called "Taming Your Gremlin" by Richard David Carson. 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[Elisabeth]

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Elisabeth Aw. You’re breakin my heart. It sure sounds like you got a whole bunch going on at once. I don’t thin you should be in “solve it” mode. I think you should be in breathing deeply & letting it go mode. Do that for a while, maybe for the night. Everything is fine Elisabeth. The problems you describe, while they might legit suck ass - they are first world problems. You are ok, and your future is going to be great. I’ve seen you, you’re smart, emotionally tuned in, and younger & smarter than me. You’re doing well.  I think stuff piled up, and now it’s kinda blowing up. It will pass. 

2

Ah, thanks! Didn't want to break your heart, not at all! I do have a lot of stuff going on, but I've been through much worse crises before. Now I'm just looking for the best ways to deal with some painful issue that I became aware of, and I know that outside feedback oftentimes helps.

Stuff is going well too, as reported in my other thread https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/28562-first-shot-at-life-purpose/ 

 

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

I think, tomorrow, you should do some work. What strikes me as the issue to take a look at is two fold:

You are young, and you still see yourself through the opinions and values, of other people. If you are 20-25, and finding it’s blows, that is a huge part of why it blows. It’s like you’ve had enough of it, but you don’t yet have clarity on it. The good news, seriously - is that you are causing your suffering. That might sound like I don’t care, but I can assure you I am saying that because I very much do care. Someone has to tell you this, and I’m out of throwing range. 

Seeing yourself through the opinions, judgements, values, morals, etc - of other people....is never ever going to feel good. You think God made you so you could try to live up to something, for someone else? Ah fuck now Elisabeth. God make perfection. Period. You are good to go, as you are. You are 100% entitled to happiness. You are taking the happiness away from yourself. You got to let this weight you’re putting on yourself, on behalf of other people, go. You can’t do that. 

5

I'm not THAT young, almost 30  But out of the parental house for merely two years, so... still relevant.

When I try to let go the opinion of others, I find that I'm having trouble understanding what I want and need and what direction to go. 

 

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

Tomorrow... Write down how you see these subjects / issues. Then write down how your parents see it. There is truth in your perspective, and there is truth in there perspective. When you chill, relax, and take some time to see a little of both perspectives, then you have clarity on where each is coming from. It’s just love. I don’t care what it looks like. You’re coming from love, and they’re coming from love. 

2

I do think I understand their perspective, but not following it ... has brought me shame and rejection. I'll do it, though. 

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

You don’t need to be accepted by anyone. That is a clever tricky way to not accept yourself. Try to think about it simply. If you have five dollars, do you need five dollars? If you have a motorcycle, do you need a motorcycle? If you accept yourself, as you are, all the perfect imperfection - then would you feel this need for anyone else to accept you? No. You know you woudn’t. So, you don’t. 

I think I understand on some level.

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

What is it exactly, that you are afraid of? 

Then, pretend that actually happens. What would be different? 

I don't even know anymore, today when I think of it, I feel the pain of already being disconnected. Eh. Breathing out mode. 

Anyway, I'll manage, thanks! 

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Elisabeth said:

but not following it ... has brought me shame and rejection

Watch out for that stuff. Our suffering is self imposed. 

MAybe contemplate beginnings & endings. 

[daniel695]

i can see you have found one of your false belief, now its time to question and put them scrutiny(skepticism).  you can find the other belief by using the following question. if that's 100% true why is it so bad? or what does it mean to me or about me? these questions will uncover your core beliefs and you need to question them. 

i also highly recommend visiting the page www.pathwaytohappiness.com and reading the book mindworks by gary van warmerdam

its a website dedicated to eliminating thoughts,  false beliefs and emotional reaction.

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Update...? ♥️

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Elisabeth Update...? ♥️

Right now ... chatting to a friend about how to talk to my parents practically. 

Otherwise, life going on. I've got a cold, but I still had to go to work yesterday and today, I organize my group this evening, hormones changed ... I know fear will resurface soon enough, I'll dig deeper when it does. Won't forget, I promise :)

Edited April 4, 2019 by Elisabeth

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Excellent. Sending well being your way. ♥️