Am I going too hard

[Identity]

So, overall my life is going really well I would say. I feel like I have a nice direction going and am growing a lot. On a daily basis I feel great, see an increasing amount of beauty, and yeah, well I’m doing just fine.

However, I do experience ego backlashes on a regular basis. I would say once a week/two weeks I have this day where I just can’t get anything done. I feel like if I don’t watch bullshit on youtube and eat junk food, like I am burning. Like I can’t handle the light of awareness or something. It makes me just want to scream. The video where Hitler reacts to non-duality resonates a lot with me in this situation haha.

I don’t think it’s just spirituality, more a combination of every way I am trying to grow. Sometimes it just feels like I need to get so much done, and that it has to happen right now. I am 22 years old and it just seems that I need to find my life purpose right now, get better with girls and relationships, be social, get good habits, etc. At the same time that I have gotten pretty deep into spirituality.

My back has also started to hurt in the last half a year. It’s this really annoying feeling, like I want to crack it or move it in some way, but it won’t go away. I’m not sure if this is related at all, but it seems to get worse at times of highs and lows.

Now, I know that ego-backlashes and suffering and stuff is part of the journey. But a few days ago I had a dream in which I was driving a car, and for some reason, the breaks were not functioning properly. They were working slightly, but the car was still gaining speed. So I was trying desperately to break, and keep the car on the road. I ended up crashing. Usually, I don’t do much with dreams, but this one stuck to me. I looked it up and some sites suggested it meant I was losing control.

Anyways, I am not exactly sure what I want from anyone responding, since I think it’s hard to judge my situation from the outside. Just wanted to put it out there I guess, and express it, since I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this stuff.

Thanks for reading! ?

[bejapuskas]

@Identity  Hey, it's good that you are aware of all this stuff. One cannot grow without mistakes. The most advanced people I know have suffered like so fucking much that most people probably can't even imagine being in such a situation. This might seem like bs, but today, even in rocket science for example, people cannot just send an object into the Universe linearly, without thinking too much, they have to program it with counter-intuitive pathings, use the gravity fields of the planets to make it go faster etc...

 I would suggest you to make some sort of order, some schedule. For example fix your sleep cycle, go to sleep at the same time everyday and meditate twice a day - before and after sleep. Just giving an example. Never skip a day! Social events are also very good, because you get an immediate feedback on your growth. I don't mean pick-up, but like everything. People can test your patience, pride, selfishness and you can become more aware of these things in you by interacting with many strangers, friends, family members.

About the ego backlashes... I used to have like so many, now I still do, but I don't call them ego backlashes, because to me it sounds as if it was just some other self, that is making mess in my life and it was keeping me from taking full responsibility. These are actually pointers, that your practice is either really intense or that you are too proud of yourself. Also expect various brain changes, head aches to be happening, it is common. I also used to have nightmares, like 7 days in a row - school shooting, meeting a monster in a parking lot, all kinds of scary stuff.  Try investigating on that stuff. For example, from one of my nightmares I learnt, that my life is very precious and that I don't want to waste it and then get shot you know...

Hope this helps  

PS.: Who is going too hard? 

Edited March 31, 2019 by bejapuskas

[Identity]

@bejapuskas 

Thank you for your reply 

yeah, defininetly have the idea that things have to go to perfect, and very quickly as well. 

Indeed, Ive got a morning routine going, as well as other habits. However, at my bad days these tend to fly out the window, at least some. 

Reframing the ego backlash will definetely help. I tend to get into victim mindset a lot as well..

”PS. Who is going too hard”

mehh not today ?

I will go meditate for a bit though!

[bejapuskas]

@Identity  Hahahaha I see... Actually it happens to me as well, when I don't feel like getting up in the morning to do 40 mins of zazen and yoga...  I just have to jump out and do it, otherwise I end up doing all sorts of weird things