Why am I so numb?

[Truth Addict]

Frankly, that's the case.

No ah-ha moments anymore, nothing surprises me anymore.

I remember one of my biggest ah-ha moments when I was watching the first part of Leo's self-deception, I was quite shocked at how much I deceive myself. But that was like a year and a half ago.

Now I realise stuff, and I'm like: "okay, so what?"

I mean the things that I realised recently are quite radical to the average person, like I realised that I don't exist, and that everything is love, etc... But my reactions never are how I expect them to be.

When I saw Leo crying as he was talking about God, I knew I'm missing something.

Also, most of the stuff that teachers talk about make sense to me, it's like I'm not really sure that everything they say is true, but also I try to doubt them and I don't succeed.

So, what is the problem? Or is that normal? What am I missing here? Is there a practice(s) for feeling more?

My questions are not neurotic though, I don't know if they seem so, but I'm just double-checking my experience with yours. Even when I'm posting this thread, I'm like: "okay, so what?"

@Leo Gura I would be grateful if you could shed some light on this.

Edited March 31, 2019 by Truth Addict

[FoxFoxFox]

@Truth Addict What do you mean you don't exist? Don't delude yourself. You are still identified with someone who has adopted the quality of nothingness. I made a post warning people of this misconception before. This is the path to depression.

The point was never to disprove the ego's existence. The point is to dis-identify wit "I-ness". 

There is still I-ness identification with you, but this 'I' is no longer attached to objects so you see the world as Void. Don't see the void, be the void. 

[Truth Addict]

 

@Winter

Ha! The link you posted seems very similar to me, yet not the same.

I was always interested in figuring out what is happening in this life, and I still am. I want it, and I honestly don't have a single dream to achieve in my life, I could work as a slave or stay with my family and give them all of my money, I don't really want anything out of this life.

I care about existing, but I don't care about other people existing or not. To me, what frightens me the most is if I lose my mind (illusion of control), and and even saying that, I'm not sure that'll be the case.

I became aware of a lot of the ways I used to deceive myself in the past in order to survive, and now I can easily manipulate those ways to serve my survival, which I don't care about a lot, I mean I care about staying alive, but nothing more (the quality isn't important to me, I won't go out of my ways to improve the quality of my life).

@FoxFoxFox

I mean with "I don't exist" what the average person means with the word "exist". Which is the location of me in the body, behind the eyes, somewhere in the brain, etc...

And no, I've overcome depression in its worst cases, so I won't worry about it.

This last part I don't quite understand:

3 hours ago, FoxFoxFox said:

@Truth Addict 

There is still I-ness identification with you, but this 'I' is no longer attached to objects so you see the world as Void. Don't see the void, be the void. 

I know that I am, but that does not explain anything to me, or at least not like a super realisation or something. It's like very superficial realisation to me. I believe I am just a part of God, not the entire God.

I don't know if I am immortal, I understand that this could be the case, but I don't know what will happen after this experience dies, this omnipresence thing I have never known what it's like, etc...

I'm quite convinced that nothing really matters. Nothing is important.

Edited March 31, 2019 by Truth Addict

[FoxFoxFox]

@Truth Addict

Quote

I know that I am

That's exactly the problem! You have pulled back awareness from objects to itself. Previously you would say, I am angry, or I am happy. Now you witness anger and happiness. However there is still the illusion of being a someone who is the witness. This witness, according to your belief owns awareness. That is to say, there is still a duality between awareness/self/consiousness/God and a subtle belief of oneself as a being - an I. You are objectifying awareness subconsciously. All this has to go. The 'I' the 'I am' and all traces of 'I-ness' must go. When it does, you completely merge with pure being which is VOID.

How to do this? Kundalini or Self-inquiry. 

Inquire into the nature of this subtle "I" who you still believe you are and see how it vanishes.

You say I believe i am this or i am that. Who is this I? 

[Truth Addict]

14 minutes ago, FoxFoxFox said:

@Truth Addict

You say I believe i am this or i am that. Who is this I? 

This I is a thought. Maybe all I am is a thought.

But nevertheless, there's still a being that couldn't be denied, a perception, or an existence. And I am witnessing it from the inside.

I'm not saying this to be stubborn, or to argue with or deny your advice, I'm just being honest with you. Please be patient with me.

[FoxFoxFox]

@Truth Addict

Quote

there's still a being that couldn't be denied,

Yes, that is the Self. But calling it being, perception, or existence is objectifying it. It's giving it attribute when it has none. The totality of experience is the Self. The problem is the false notion that there is an "I" who owns it. 

Quote

And I am witnessing it from the inside.

Are you really witnessing it from inside? Do you have any proof for that? There is no such thing as outside and inside. Everything happens within the same space of awareness. 

Question the "I". What you feel in the body are the sensations of the body. You have chosen to say that sensation is proof for your existence. Shed all these beliefs and see what remains. Merge with that. 

[mandyjw]

Too much attention on nothing and not enough on the something you'd never been able to see before. 

It's a bitch of a thing to balance. 

The best practice I can suggest is spend time in nature. She always has the perfect balance. Try to notice the something in nature without labeling too much. 

[tedens]

@Truth Addict no one else will growth you. Only with your inner/meta  'work' you'll be able to grasp 'some' clues. 

[Truth Addict]

@FoxFoxFox I'm still in the third month of my self-inquiry practice, and I'm not even consistent.

All the questions that point to the present moment does not satisfy me, because I already reside in the present moment most of the time, my concerns are more about the future, the after life, etc... If these things are even possible to be known.

Anyway, I'll go on with self-inquiry until something clicks.

Thank you for your time.

@David Hammond well, I don't know what gave the impression that there's struggle. In fact, I am fine. I just don't know.

To me, this existential inquiry is what I do effortlessly, of course not all the time. But when I'm free, that's what I do, it's kind of a hobby, and I'm curious.

@Winter ?

[Truth Addict]

1 minute ago, David Hammond said:

@Truth Addict Maybe it looks like a struggle to me because I don't think about these things.

Hmmm, interesting!

Do you have the answers to them? Or you just don't think about them at all?

[ajasatya]

17 hours ago, Truth Addict said:

Why am I so numb?

because you haven't awakened in the level of Heart yet.

checkout some adyashanti stuff on this subject. i think his message can help you.

also, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about details that you're uncomfortable sharing here.

[Truth Addict]

13 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

because you haven't awakened in the level of Heart yet.

checkout some adyashanti stuff on this subject. i think his message can help you.

also, feel free to pm me if you want to talk about details that you're uncomfortable sharing here.

That's what I also inspected.

My realisations were always superficial, I don't feel them on a cellular level.

I have a book from adya, "Emptiness Dancing", I haven't read it yet. I'll definitely read it after your recommendation.

Thank you for the support, I won't hesitate to ask you if I need anything.

@David Hammond like what? And also, isn't it a judgement from the mind that inquiring doesn't matter?

Edited March 31, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Truth Addict]

@David Hammond

I want you to be more bold if it's required, please.

If you see me deluding myself, please punch me in the face.

The last thing I want anyone to do near me is play nice with my ego.

But, I can't really see how I am clinging to old times, if you please could be more specific.

And from my point of view, I see drama happening on other people's side, because I don't find anything of real importance.

Correct me if I'm wrong. I asked here because I wanted to get help, not caressing.

Edited March 31, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Truth Addict]

@David Hammond

Okay, and thanks.

One last question, what do you mean by "movement" here:

15 minutes ago, David Hammond said:

@Truth Addict Edit: for me what you wrote just looks like movement. 

 

[DrewNows]

@Truth Addictto me it looks like the @FoxFoxFoxis spot on 

if I understand right, this sounds like a disconnect as the observer of all the content going on 

meaning the mind may still be subtly focused on the awareness of everything, and why there are still expectations 

Edited March 31, 2019 by DrewNows

[Nahm]

@Truth Addict Feels like you want something, and are looking on the level of thinking, for what can not come to you on the level of thinking. Which is in itself a dilemma, because, how’s it going to come then? How’s an insight supposed to come, if you don’t think about it? How will you know about what is afterlife, if you don’t think about it? If you just ‘dropped it’, then you wouldn’t get anywhere with it.  

Any of that resonate? 

[Truth Addict]

@Nahm

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Truth Addict Feels like you want something, and are looking on the level of thinking, for what can not come to you on the level of thinking. Which is in itself a dilemma, because, how’s it going to come then? How’s an insight supposed to come, if you don’t think about it? How will you know about what is afterlife, if you don’t think about it? If you just ‘dropped it’, then you wouldn’t get anywhere with it.  

Any of that resonate? 

100%

[Nahm]

@Truth Addict So then the question is, what to do? Right?    What have you tried so far? 

[Truth Addict]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Truth Addict So then the question is, what to do? Right?    What have you tried so far? 

There are two options I guess:

I can adopt some belief system (religion).

Or, I can stop thinking about it, and drop it once and for all. And I should 'believe' that this somehow will give me the answers.

I tried religion, but I can never be 100% sure, it will always be a belief, and which religion to believe? There are too many.

The second option does not sound convincing, but I will keep an open mind if you suggested it or anything else.

Edited March 31, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Nahm]

Don’t adopt a belief system. That’s an easy “no” (imo). Learning about a variety of religions, maybe, but I don’t suggest it. 

“Stop thinking about it” isn’t really something you can “do”. I mean, it’s possible, maybe, but it doesn’t seem like anyone can “stop thinking” about anything. It’s like saying I’ll stop thinking about topless dancers and tall frosty beers. (See?) lol You’re thinking about it now. (You probably already were though)

I hear you on the beliefs. Believing in yourself, getting through difficult times, rising about adversity - I’m all for that. Beliefs about reality though...they’ll just need to be let go of ultimately, so adding them only adds to the ‘worklist’. You know that already though. 

 

What is it that you really, really want? In the simplest of words....?