Why am I so numb?

[Truth Addict]

@Nahm

I want some solid land to stand on, I want something 100% true, I want to rest sure, I want to know why I am here, and all that.

I was always deluded in the past. I used to believe a lot of things.

Now, I don't know. I just don't know.

[Nahm]

@Truth Addict 

It’s not easy to get to the honesty of ‘I don’t know’. That’s a good (but hard I know) place to be. With respect to the ‘numb’ ...

Are sensations arising which are being avoided?

Are there any particular thought patterns which are giving you trouble / or appear to trigger sensations?

Who can you forgive, for you? (To let them go)

 

 

What habits would you stop / start?

Have you experienced the space between thoughts in meditation? 

How has self inquiry gone? 

Have you used pen & paper to express thought patterns & sensations that arise in self inquiry? 

 

What is one thing you can let go of from the past?

What is one thing you want in life, in the future? 

Why do you want it? 

 

In what ways can you love yourself more? 

[Truth Addict]

@Nahm

These questions are kind of hard to answer.

But in general, my life is pretty much good and peaceful, most of my internal struggles are gone, I am now more honest with myself than I have ever been.

It's just that I have some questions that I haven't answered yet.

Habits: I might want to start going to the gym, but I'm not sure I want that. I don't feel like I need it.

I don't have any specific habit that I want to quit right now. My life is quite comfortable.

I mentioned in earlier posts that I don't mind even working as a slave for a living. Of course, my parents won't agree with me, but I'm fine, I could also work anything else and give away my money to them, I don't want anything to myself.

I have already forgiven everyone and everything including myself, because I know that nobody had a choice and that everything is inevitable.

What I feel I need the most is experience in the real world, which ironically, is not so much interesting to me.

Meditation and self-inquiry help me know myself better, and therefore I can know everyone else better.

I'm enjoying life, I do what I feel like doing, I sleep as much as I want and everything. I never had such an opportunity in the past. I was always busy working and studying, but it's been almost 6 months without any of these two.

Right now I have almost no obligations, except for college which I have failed at last year, so I am now waiting for the exams, studying a little bit here and there when I feel like it.

I don't want anything from life, I've come to the conclusion that everything is the same when one gets used to it.

Also, I'm not consistent with meditation or self-inquiry, I practice when I feel I need to. You could say that my baseline level of awareness is meditation, sometimes I lose it, but it's still the majority of my time. I hardly get angry or frustrated, and as I grow more, it's getting even less likely to resist anything.

I'm completely surrendered, and even though there are some limitations to that, when something happens opposing to my plans, I accept it and move on.

I hope that clarified something about me.

[Nahm]

@Truth Addict It seems to me you went through some stuff, and are taking a well deserved, much needed rest. If & when you’re ready, keep going in everything. Don’t sweat not having the insights and ‘ah ha’ moments for now, those are on the path. When you get back on, trade all your intellectualism’s for actuality, and materialism for self realization. Or don’t. It really is fine either way. Truth does set you free though. And the gym is great for energy. 

 

[Truth Addict]

@Nahm oh, I've gone through a lot, a lot of stuff, besides I never realised my limitations, I always pushed myself out of my limits until I've burned out. I'm ready to get back already, but the time is not right, so I'm waiting.

Thanks for the support, I always find relief in your words 

I sure am gonna go on, but this time I know better.

[Nahm]

@Truth Addict ♥️

[WelcometoReality]

@Truth Addict So you've realized the absolute. That what you thought you were don't exist. That's all true but maybe there is more to see if you let go of the absolute perspective?

13 hours ago, Truth Addict said:

I want some solid land to stand on, I want something 100% true, I want to rest sure, I want to know why I am here, and all that.

Maybe this is what needs to let go of? The knowing and want to know?

[purerogue]

What if truth is more then you can handle and you will want to forget it all? 

[Truth Addict]

20 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

@Truth Addict So you've realized the absolute. That what you thought you were don't exist. That's all true but maybe there is more to see if you let go of the absolute perspective?

Maybe this is what needs to let go of? The knowing and want to know?

I understand that you're talking about happiness, but I already have happiness (present moment). I'm looking for security (future) if possible.

I'm surrendered, I could preach to others about surrendering, there is no struggle here. But thank you for the care, I appreciate it. ?

20 minutes ago, purerogue said:

What if truth is more then you can handle and you will want to forget it all? 

That makes it more interesting to me.

[purerogue]

4 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

That makes it more interesting to me.

Nothing interesting in knowing to much.

[Truth Addict]

1 minute ago, purerogue said:

Nothing interesting in knowing to much.

I thought it was about not-knowing.

[DrewNows]

I have noticed how the mind can get turned off by the things it doesn’t understand, like a complicated school subject, or simply music in a foreign language 

[purerogue]

6 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

I thought it was about not-knowing.

It is, you can not know something, if you go in with already made beliefs, like for example there is God, you do not know it yourself, but you believe what Leo says, not knowing is just way that opens doors to something. 

[WelcometoReality]

38 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

I understand that you're talking about happiness, but I already have happiness (present moment). I'm looking for security (future) if possible.

I'm surrendered, I could preach to others about surrendering, there is no struggle here. But thank you for the care, I appreciate it. ?

I'm not talking about happiness. I'm talking about going deeper into the awakening. 

You want security and future but awakening is about free falling into the unknown. Something is there holding on for dear life and it's holding on to the absolute.

[Truth Addict]

2 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

You want security and future but awakening is about free falling into the unknown. Something is there holding on for dear life and it's holding on to the absolute.

You mean I should become comfortable with not-knowing?

[WelcometoReality]

5 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

You mean I should become comfortable with not-knowing?

Yes very much so. Can you really know anything?

[Truth Addict]

1 minute ago, WelcometoReality said:

Yes very much so. Can you really know anything?

Why should I not-know?

I told you I'm already happy, the only point of not-knowing is becoming happy.

So, the answer is: I don't know any damn thing, yet.

I was wondering if I can know.

[WelcometoReality]

5 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

Why should I not-know?

I told you I'm already happy, the only point of not-knowing is becoming happy.

So, the answer is: I don't know any damn thing, yet.

I was wondering if I can know.

Even if I tell you that you can or can't know you can only believe or not believe what I'm saying. It won't be known until you seen it for yourself so it's up to you to investigate that. 

But lets say your intention is to pick up a glass of water. Will you succeed? Can you know that?

Edit: another reason to not knowing is to fall into your awakening.

Edited April 1, 2019 by WelcometoReality

[Truth Addict]

14 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

But lets say your intention is to pick up a glass of water. Will you succeed? Can you know that?

And even if I do pick it up, when I put it down, I don't even know if I picked it up in the first place, could be fake memories.

All of this is pointing to the present moment, but the present moment itself is not a single moment, it's connected seamlessly with the future and the past.

To be accurate, the concept 'present moment' does not exist. There only is an experience. That's all I know right now.

It's very obvious stuff.

But how would I know that there is no future?

You'd say: the future is a concept that exists in the present moment. We can't know anything outside of the present moment.

Yes, but we can't either disprove anything outside of the present moment.

My thoughts of the future might become correct.

You'd say: if you think about the future, you'll lose the present moment.

And here I don't know what to say or how to answer.

Edited April 1, 2019 by Truth Addict

[WelcometoReality]

5 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

And even if I do pick it up, when I put it down, I don't even know if I picked it up in the first place, could be fake memories.

It could be yes but even if you could know your intention could be to pick up the glass but you instead knock it over with water all over the table. So even such a simple thing you can't know or have any control over.

10 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

All of this is pointing to the present moment, but the present moment itself is not a single moment, it's connected seamlessly with the future and the past.

To be accurate, the concept 'present moment' does not exist. There only is an experience. That's all I know right now.

It's very obvious stuff.

But how would I know that there is no future?

You'd say: the future is a concept that exists in the present moment. We can't know anything outside of the present moment.

Yes, but we can't either disprove anything outside of the present moment.

My thoughts of the future might become correct.

You'd say: if you think about the future, you'll lose the present moment.

And here I don't know what to answer.

No need to answer. Just let go.