Constant negging fear “I can’t handle enlightenment”

[zunnyman]

Here is what this fear is making me do:

 I am constantly trying to figure out what an enlightenment experience will be like. “would I hold on for dear life” 

Thinking of ways to develop courage to handle it

Thinking of ways to prepare my body and mind to handle it: Already created a plan: Climb maslow’s hierarchy, Complete sadhguru’s hatha and beginner programs, get into Ayurveda, cover my base survival needs, reach higher stages in spiral dynamics. Will all this really prepare me for awakening or an awakening experience? 

What if I do so much consciousness work that I go crazy, or lose my mind, or cause trauma or be in excessive fear all day. What if I can’t let go of my attachments. What if I want my old life back? 

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This fear isn’t making me really emotional about it or whatever but it is on my mind all the time. Am I being too OCD about it? Is there any way to tackle this? I used to be so excited about spirituality and awakening but constantly hearing that “it could be hard to stomache” “you reach a point of no return” “it is the end of your life” “absolute nothingness” All this is stirring up all kinds of negative emotions like excessive fear, self-esteem, doubting myself, lack of desire for spirituality (and even other desires of life), etc. 

Part of it is my lack of acceptance of uncertainty of the future. I just really sell myself on the idea that everything is going to be okay in the future, that life gets better, life gets more stable and balanced and happier. But how do I know? I could get killed before any of the good comes? I could be in even more excessive fear? How am I supposed to know? 

As I am writing all this I see that it is all just my fear speaking. And I am slowly accepting, and practicing acceptance. But what else am I doing wrong? How do I deal with this? How can I make this path more enjoyable and avoid experiences I can’t handle? Is “death” really that bad? How can I stomache this kind of experience when the time comes? I don’t mind even putting in 20 years to prepare myself for enlightenment, but is it the case that I put in 20 years doing everything to prepare my mind, body, and emotions and enlightenment still is scary and hard after those 20 years?