Recovering from freedom from everything gained by delusion

[Mulky]

For years(and still) I associated enlightenment with actually leaving society.  To the point where if I go into a state that feels free I then would begin thinking about leaving and living in the woods.  This actually brought me a sort of freedom for the past several years, as it bought me having little attachment to anything.  Once tested, however, this was all found to be delusional, and the true freedom I was experiencing was being found by using a lie.  During tough times I would often think of leaving everything and then countless beautiful visions and things I was hopeful for would then appear in my mind as what would be waiting for me.  At times when I was actually about to leave, it felt more like death or sadness or loneliness.  

Now my delusion has become so clear that I can no longer access this infinite freedom feeling, and rather than being afraid of death i am terrified of this life.   Any time I try to let go I feel like I am actually bound by something, money, family, etc.  I am now at the door of a long life that I am not excited for,  attending to things I ignored before because it didn't matter to me at all.  I miss being able to have no attachement to anything.  I would honestly say this is one of the lowest points in m life.  I quit my job on an impulse on the past last week.  My family is being supportive and will carry me through it, but I feel bad about that.  I also feel bad about working anywhere.  I legit feel like just laying down somewhere forever.  I feel like if I could let go for real I would be ok but its like I just can't trust life like I used to.  

I know life does what it does and for the whole it moves in the right direction over time, but I feel like this part of life called this body might just be a sacrifice in the movement of life.  I'm not suicidal but my sense that life will take care of me is gone, it might take care of me as life but this body might not fair so well.  I will take any help or advice available, i just don't know what to do now, i feel like I don't belong in this life.

[Nahm]

@Mulky

You are already fine, right now, as you sit ther - look around. You’re fine. 

My impression here, is you have made a sort of critical belief. 

You think you can’t let go, because you can’t trust.

You think you can’t trust, because you can’t let go. 

 

You must see that the meanings, what “trust” and “letting go” mean to you, is only just what they mean to you. In Truth, they are identical. 

 

It sounds clear you have a calling for the outdoors, for nature. 

Can you get there now? Can you go outside for a few and just have a look up? Sounds silly maybe, but go see it. It’s beautiful. 

 

And starting today - no more beating up on yourself. It’s fine, how you are right now. It’s perfectly fine, you are exactly how you’re supposed to be. The trouble is thinking you’re not, and beating up on yourself. What person qualifies to judge you? What person has such perfect thinking? No such person. 

God is your love Mulky. You are thinking in ways about yourself, and your life, and the reason these perspectives you take don’t feel good, is simply because they’re not true. God, your love, is true, and it is not thinking about anything. Just loving you, patiently, waiting for you to stop this negative thinking. 

Crying is the medicine Mulky. 

If you’ve have enough suffering, enough of your negative self, and life, views - then the healing begins. In truth, the healing is always. Sometimes we get caught up in things. But go outside. Look. ♥️

[montecristo]

I can relate to this HARDCORE

[Flatworld Crusades]

@Mulky this is very familiar to me. My beautiful world was created while I was psychotic the first time. It was a magical world with beauty and wealth waiting for me, with that infinite freedom.  When it finally fell apart and I saw it was all a delusion I was completely gutted. When I was sane again the humiliation and hopelessness of such a public episode overwhelmed me. There's nothing like that feeling of freedom & joy, then your told it doesn't exist. 

Im not sure if I can help, but you have to return to reality, ground yourself and live in this reality. The longer you stay out of this reality the more difficult it will be to recover.