Thoughts on Marriage & Love vs. Mental Health?

[Shir]

Hey Everyone 

So...long story short, I've felt the need to share and ask a few questions in regards to marriage/love and essentially mental health.

For reference sake, I've never been married nor have I personally been in a relationship (half by choice and other half because things didn't work out). 26 years old. Not religious at all, just spiritual.

As a woman, I've grown up to feel like Marriage is the pivotal accomplishment to a women's life in terms of a love life (aside from children ect) (NOT SAYING FOR EVERYONE JUST IN GENERAL!) Today, I can see how stressed out some women are in order to get married and to be asked by their bf or significant others. All my life, I've felt pretty warm-neutral about it and knew I wanted to get married one day. However, the more I think about it...something about "being married" and actively dating - stresses me out. Like to the point of the thought of being married and having kids - literally makes me feel stressed out and gives me anxiety and uneasiness...isn't that crazy? 

I KNOW people are going to say you don't have to get married. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, and that many couples never get married and are happy. Also, I know that not ALL married couples are happy and that we don't really know what happens behind closed doors. I totally get that, of course. 

I have no idea why I have become this way because I don't want to feel negatively about marriage...I think it can be a beautiful thing but something about it, for the past year or so, has left me feeling almost sad and and feeling suffocated emotionally when ever I think about it. I have moments where I see couples (that I know) get engaged, and I cannot feel genuinely happy for them; of course I never say anything about it - it's just an internal feeling. Also, I have moments where the very thought of sleeping next to someone, like in married life, makes me feel anxiety. I know these seem to be really out there-in-the-future thoughts but it really concerns me because...I feel so alienated by having those feelings. I have never heard anyone express such feelings. 

I see everyone so excited about marriage and happy with their partners and me being single for literally almost 27 years now - I feel different from everyone else because I have gotten SO used to being single, that being taken seems like...a burden to me. I know relationships take work, commitment, love and dedication but even the very thought of being in one - makes me feel suffocated, emotionally.

I feel less of a woman for having all these feelings that I have mentioned above AND less of a person. Because, I see everyone else is searching for love and that WHOLE entire journey for me makes me feel a certain way. A negative way. It doesn't excite me yet I feel that loss of being so different in society. 

I know I'm not in a place, Mental Health wise, to be in a relationship but it makes me feel hesitant to ever be in one in general because of THESE feelings that I hold. Because these aren't "moment" feelings - this is how I feel literally all the time now. I know I don't "have to be" in a relationship in general if I don't want to but imagine feeling like you want to for 25 plus years and suddenly those feelings turn essentially 180 and sour. It's very odd.

On the flip side, I know I'm in love with someone whom is taken and happily married - I think every time he fondly mentions his wife, I get pretty jealous and think how lovely it would be to be a wife and so I am so divided within myself. I know it isn't really his fault and I take full responsibly for my feelings but feeling the way I do about him, it really just makes me feel like I'm breaking my own heart. I am not in place where I can not have him in my life as he and I have a Therapeutic nature of a relationship and so it hurts but it is what it is. He really is the only man that excites me emotionally, spiritually and makes me believe in marriage so to speak. He gives me butterflies. 

And, funny enough - I have also being feeling the same negative feeling about marriage & love - on the topic of kids. The very thought of having kids makes me feel suffocated, gives me sadness and makes me feel trapped. I totally realize and understand that children are a blessing and being a virgin this has nothing to do with me at this point but I cannot help but feel the emotional weight of these thoughts & feelings. Like marriage, I KNOW I don't have to have kids however it's the same case as above - 25 plus years of feeling neutral-warm about the idea of kids and bam...a whole 180 into a negative feeling vibe about them. 

All in all, what I'm trying to say is...I don't know what one can look forward to if the idea of Marriage, love and kids seems to induce negative feelings and emotions and maybe it's my depression speaking but I also feel like "what's the point" to it all, in a sense. 

I would love & appreciate hearing your thoughts!

Thank you kindly. <333

[mandyjw]

What do you love doing? What lights you up? I wouldn't focus so much on what you don't want, or relationships at all if you can't help but feel negativity in that area. There's SO much in life outside those areas. Try to bring in more focus and clarity in your life outside of the relationship realm. 

Do you feel like you have to have something to look forward to to be happy? 

This books helped me in so many areas in life. https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+power+of+now&qid=1553991471&s=gateway&sr=8-1

There's something described in the book called the pain body and I feel like when it comes to having kids and relationships women are really susceptible to having this strange kind of negative energy to work through in those areas. I think that might be what you have going on. 

 

[denydritz]

Hi Shir, I wonder why do you feel anxious when you think about getting married and having kids? Maybe there's some past trauma related to relationships that affect how you perceive and value future relationships? How are your other relationships right now?

You're right that it's unhealthy to build a relationship if you're still "hurt." It usually makes the relationship become full of conflict, or at least it will be troubled by conflict. A relationship is healthy when both people are emotionally healthy and can share happiness and support each other (instead of asking and demanding attention).

I think if you can understand why you get anxious about marriage and children, you can begin to dissolve that anxiety.

[GromHellScream]

yes mental health is impossible with marriage  

[RawJudah]

Don't mistake getting married as the way to fix all of your problems, it wont. 

In fact, it might make them worse...

What even IS marriage anyways? I never understand. A government contract maybe? ...

[Shir]

On 3/31/2019 at 3:22 AM, mandyjw said:

What do you love doing? What lights you up? I wouldn't focus so much on what you don't want, or relationships at all if you can't help but feel negativity in that area. There's SO much in life outside those areas. Try to bring in more focus and clarity in your life outside of the relationship realm. 

Do you feel like you have to have something to look forward to to be happy? 

This books helped me in so many areas in life. https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+power+of+now&qid=1553991471&s=gateway&sr=8-1

There's something described in the book called the pain body and I feel like when it comes to having kids and relationships women are really susceptible to having this strange kind of negative energy to work through in those areas. I think that might be what you have going on. 

 

@mandyjw Hey there! <3 I would like to first give thanks for your awesome reply - I appreciate it! Thank you kindly. 

You're right...I basically should try and grow the realm of things I love to do that essentially give me joy - instead of focusing on things like relationships that seem to trouble me. I think me being depressed...I cannot help but ruminate over these feelings because I'm someone that feels like I need something to look forward to as silly as that might sound. I cannot do things "just because" anymore - I USED to feel really passionate about the possibility of "one day" enjoying, being - in a relationship ect...but since then, things have changed. Other than University and trying to build a career...everything else seems so hard and sadly, feeling wise...I kind of don't see the point anymore, so it saddens me to feel that way you know? 

So other than school and trying to build a dream career which is failing...sadly, I wouldn't say I have something to look forward to no  I mean, even being in school makes me want to off myself to be honest, which is sad to admit.

And thank you for your book recommendation!!! I LOVE EARHART TOLLE! I will admit that I read his work went I was young (18-19) and I realize that TODAY I am way more mature and can honestly try and see his point of view better - thank you for reminding me to re-read his books...much overdue giving my current mental state. Thank You. 

I find it really interested that you mentioned the pain body in regards to us women and kids - I am fascinated as I had no idea it can encompass that realm and for sure will try and research it! Thank you kindly. 

[Shir]

15 hours ago, denydritz said:

Hi Shir, I wonder why do you feel anxious when you think about getting married and having kids? Maybe there's some past trauma related to relationships that affect how you perceive and value future relationships? How are your other relationships right now?

You're right that it's unhealthy to build a relationship if you're still "hurt." It usually makes the relationship become full of conflict, or at least it will be troubled by conflict. A relationship is healthy when both people are emotionally healthy and can share happiness and support each other (instead of asking and demanding attention).

I think if you can understand why you get anxious about marriage and children, you can begin to dissolve that anxiety.

@denydritz Hey there!! Thank you kindly for you reply - I sincerely really appreciate it! <333

In all honestly, from all the work I've been trying to do in Therapy...I THINK my anxiety about getting married and having kids (or rather also just marriage alone if kids weren't in that realm) - is because I never really felt like I had a positive relationship role model in my life, like my parents marriage seems very stressful to me tbh. I know it's them and it's their thing but it has impacted me immensely. I have personally never been in a real relationship (although have fallen in love and had heartbreaks) so trauma in regards to myself hmm..cannot say I recall. 

I completely agree with you that it's best to come into a relationship as healthy as possible, mentally and emotionally. At this point, men cannot seem to understand why I keep pushing them away because of my mental health - this might sound weird but I'm grateful for it. I cannot deal with it, sadly. 

So yeah...I think I get anxious about the idea of marriage and kids because of the relationship nature of the marriage of my parents essentially. I realize that MY marriage shouldn't be a reflection of that or is going to be that but it stresses me out SO much. Even typing it out hurts me heart because I could NEVER deal with that type of stressful relationship and emotional abuse. 

[Shir]

1 hour ago, GromHellScream said:

yes mental health is impossible with marriage  

@GromHellScream Thank you for your honesty

[Shir]

1 hour ago, RawJudah said:

Don't mistake getting married as the way to fix all of your problems, it wont. 

In fact, it might make them worse...

What even IS marriage anyways? I never understand. A government contract maybe? ...

@RawJudah Oh! Of course - I completely agree that marriage will not fix all of one's problems...for sure. If you told me this when I was way younger, I would for sure have fallen into that trap. Today I know that 1 + 1 = 3 and not 2 because 2 whole people should come into a relationship and together make a new identity and not that 2 people who are half's that "complete each other".

I mean...good question. I know some people who literally never care to get married and live a relationship type of "marriage" without ever getting married (living together, kids, long term commitment ect)...others get married for religious purposes ect. Me? well...I'd rather get married out of respect (someone wanting me THAT "much" - the same way I'd want them). I'm not one for huge weddings nor a huge ring either...super humble in that regards. Something about being called a wife and belonging to a husband...I see the appeal even as a non-religious person. 

[GromHellScream]

1 hour ago, Shir said:

@GromHellScream Thank you for your honesty

lol noooo. that wasn't meant to be taking seriously. But with children and a wife and school and you wanting to concentrate on personal development its a constant struggle. expectations need to be adjusted early.. to nothing

[Shir]

6 minutes ago, GromHellScream said:

lol noooo. that wasn't meant to be taking seriously. But with children and a wife and school and you wanting to concentrate on personal development its a constant struggle. expectations need to be adjusted early.. to nothing

@GromHellScream Oh lol! My apologies, I didn't get you right on the first go opps  You're right...I've realized recently within myself that I have too much going on to be concentrating on a possible "marriage" relationship and kids lol. I can barely do school as it is. And so, I've realized that it's better to hold it off yeah...

It's just funny to me in a way where I cannot see how others make do? Like where is the energy coming from?! idk

I get these moments where I just go "wow, how do others manage to cope and DO life" lol. 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Shir

[GromHellScream]

I think you might be thinking too much into it. Things tend to happen in your life and you just adapt. If you want to have kids and marriage now then do it. If not then wait. there's no wrong way to do it really.

[Shir]

6 hours ago, GromHellScream said:

I think you might be thinking too much into it. Things tend to happen in your life and you just adapt. If you want to have kids and marriage now then do it. If not then wait. there's no wrong way to do it really.

@GromHellScream Thank you for the positive vibes and reassurance - I think maybe me over thinking it is mainly due to stress AS a woman and seeing myself getting older and trying to figure myself out "in time" what with the biological clock and shady men lol.

Thanks for making me feel like I shouldn't take things too hard !

[legendary]

@Shir As a man, and a fellow self-actualizer, here's my honest assessment of this issue. I could be wrong, but it's just what I think. Of course, I only mean well.

• The need for marriage/security is something that you've taken on as a belief from our culture and people around you. It clearly doesn't align with what you truly want, and that's perfectly okay. Nothing in life will bring you more misery than being inauthentic.
• I don't think your depression is really depression at all. It is lack of feeling that flow of love that we all (especially people with a feminine essence) yearn for. You want a man to love you and cut through all the emotional eddies and turbulence that you get stuck in from time to time.
• Being attracted to a man who is already taken isn't uncommon for women. I guess this man is of a much higher caliber than the ones that you are surrounded by, or the ones that normally approach you. Let go of him. Instead, work on yourself so that you can attract such a man in your life. It's not easy, but here's a pointer: 
• Read this book, and be open-minded: http://reality-my-view.com/DL.pdf
• Also, follow this guy and his wife on YouTube. They're good: 
• Kids: One thing at a time. Kids are a choice. But I reckon once you are with the man you want, you might change your views on kids.

All the best:)

[Pallero]

Hi!

First of all, your emotions about marriage, relationships and kids are totally valid and understandable. Since your parents' marriage set a bad example, of course you don't want that for yourself! Who would? There's nothing crazy or strange about the thoughts and feelings you are having. I perceive a lot of shame in you, because you repeat over and over again, how you know that marriage/kids are positive things, but yet you feel negative to you. It's okay to feel this conflicted. It's completely understandable.

 

On 30.3.2019 at 2:08 AM, Shir said:

I feel so alienated by having those feelings. I have never heard anyone express such feelings.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. Hasn't your therapist assured you that there are masses of people who are feeling the same way? Because there are. Maybe a support group could be something you would like to consider? To feel like you are not alone.

But I understand. Of course you feel alone. The nature of suffering is such that it tricks us into believing that we are alone.

 

On 1.4.2019 at 11:11 PM, Shir said:

I think I get anxious about the idea of marriage and kids because of the relationship nature of the marriage of my parents essentially. I realize that MY marriage shouldn't be a reflection of that or is going to be that but it stresses me out SO much. Even typing it out hurts me heart because I could NEVER deal with that type of stressful relationship and emotional abuse.

Simply put, this is the reason that you feel ambivalent about marriage. A part of you wants to get married, wants that closeness and connection, but the traumatized part of you obviously doesn't. It perceives relationships as draining, a burden, a threat and anxiety-inducing.

 

On 30.3.2019 at 2:08 AM, Shir said:

On the flip side, I know I'm in love with someone whom is taken and happily married

Is he your therapist? In any case, falling for a married man in your case is probably the safest way, because he is not an option. If he is your therapist, there's another reason why he is not an option. Do you see how genius that is? It's unsafe for you to have a relationship but you have a desire to feel love so you fall in love with someone unavailable. That way your safety needs get met. But the need for closeness and connection unfortunately might not get fully met...

 

On 30.3.2019 at 2:08 AM, Shir said:

The very thought of having kids makes me feel suffocated, gives me sadness and makes me feel trapped.

This is likely due to the fact that when you were a kid, you felt sad, suffocated and trapped in your home. Ask yourself, how this might be true. (Hint: All kids are basically trapped in their homes, because they are dependent on their parents.)

 

One more thing:

On 30.3.2019 at 2:08 AM, Shir said:

I know I'm not in a place, Mental Health wise, to be in a relationship

What if a relationship is exactly what you need to heal your mental health issues?

 

I hope this helps! Let me know if you want any clarifications about what I have written here.