Ending Friendships

[Jacko]

Hi guys, looking for some wisdom and advice.

I've been feeling like my friendships are dead-ends. As I grow, I feel like these friends remain the same, doing their same things. What really holds me back is this feeling of being responsible for them, like what if they get depressed now I'm not around and something bad happens and I blame myself?

I don't feel like they can give me what I'm looking for, they tend to be a distraction to my vision more than anything. I'm ready to meet new friends and build strong healthy relationships and I feel like these aren't salvageable.

This includes 3 friends

- Friend 1 has had some issues with drugs, addiction and psychosis, possible schizophrenia which has led to a very low quality of life, period

- Friend 2 is very immature and boisterous, just wants to smoke weed and goof around also a history of addiction

- Friend 3 is very intelligent, healthy, positive however he smokes a lot of weed

Some other factors include

-  As you can see drugs is a common distraction among these friends. I'm so over it, I've developed a negative relationship with weed and I'm sick of the whole process involved, I'm trying to connect with myself to create a complete life without the need for getting high

- I have had some serious issues with drug use and addiction. Being around these friends puts me back into that mindset, which I don't need

- I'm worried I'm a support for friend 1 and friend 2 and without me they will begin to use again

- I'm also worried I will begin to use again if i continue to spend time with any of these friends

Ive read about some methods like stop replying to messages and just phase them out, or talk to them and explain you want to end the friendship but I have a lot of fears of doing this. What if something happens to Friend 1 or 2? It might be worth noting that I intend to find work in the mental health sector, particularly 'Alcohol and Other Drugs' which is what I'm studying at the moment.

Am I selfish for not trying to support these friends? Am I turning my back on them? Do I owe them anything? Morally I'm confused I'd really appreciate some advice!

[NoSelfSelf]

They are just holding you back surround yourself with like minded people...

[universe]

If its just the drugs you can try tell them that you dont want to be friends with people who do a lot of drugs. Seems like you have good reasons for that because of your past experience. Then stop hanging out with them.

I wouldnt make a clear cut but just put them on a lower priority. That means not meeting them as much and when meeting them not for so long as you used to. And then cut it down more and more.

This way they know why you spend less time with them. And they can change it if they really want to.

You could just start looking for new friends who youd like to hang out with more and let everything evolve naturally.

 

And no you are absolutely not selfish. Friendships only work when both want it. Otherwise its not a friendship.

[Jacko]

@universe @NoSelfSelf

Thanks for the advice. I like this approach

Sometimes I try and change everything all at once instead of making small changes over a longer period of time.

 

[Tistepiste]

Just think of this..

Do you feel like the friendships you have, do any good to you as a person?

How do these friends make you feel? How much thought goes to them? How much suffering/worrying is due to them?

A simple rule I live by, if people, even best friends, start to become toxic to you and start to hold you back or make you depressed, then cut it off.

It might seem like a selfish decision but it's not at all. Knowing what's best for you isn't selfish. If anything, it's selfless, because you'll most likely grow much more and become a better version of your self thanks to cutting them off, doing the world a favor.

If you feel like what I'm saying could apply to your  situation, what do is talk to them and explain your feelings. You could tell them you need to work on yourself and that it would only be possible if you didn't communicate with them for a while. If they're good people, they'd give you the space you need.

Edited March 30, 2019 by Tistepiste

[Arcangelo]

I fired almost all of my friends, it was not easy. Write them a letter if you can't talk to them. Do not ignore the red flags, and stop people pleasing.

[JohnnyBravo]

Hey @Jacko

I hear what you are saying about your friends; you are ready to move to your next level, but you feel your friends are holding you back.

It's not that THEY are holding you back, its that your attention you give them, your time, your energy, is not well spent. Maybe it was in the past, but right now, no.

Here is ALL you have to do!!!

Take a break.

Don't ignore their calls or texts initially. Just text each one of them, or even tell them on the phone, "I need to have solitude for a few weeks. It's nothing against YOU, it's just I need to go deep into myself and as thus I wont be having any contact with anyone apart from work for the next bit of time. I am sure you have had a time in your life where you need to do the same thing, so I will talk with you in a few weeks."

And don't bullshit them or lie to them; just take a few weeks NO CONTACT break from them all.

You will find they wont even message you or call you.

And if these 'friends' don't have any respect for your boundaries, they will feel it and yes time to temporarily snip them aggressively from your life.

But you might find, after even one week or three weeks of not talking to them, they will change. Your relationship with them will change.
 

And you may find you don't need to take them out of your life at all; you just need to make connecting with yourself a bigger priority than you thought!

 

Don't change them, or desire them to quit drugs. Don't 'confront' them. Don't need them to be differently. All you have to do is go deep into yourself. That is what you are craving anyways.

 

Allow them to be who they are. Just a have break for 1-4 weeks. They will naturally change regardless, but that isn't your focus or business.

 

I have deliberalty linked this link for you. A 40 second read on the foolishness of remaining friends with fools by Osho.

 

http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=648

 

Edited March 31, 2019 by JohnnyBravo

[Jacko]

@Tistepiste Definitely a lot of worrying goes into these friendships. Thanks for the advice

@Arcangelo Ah yes, people pleasing, I've done loads of this..

@JohnnyBravo Great, I like this, I'll give it a go. Great read too thanks for that, it really hit home

[Light Lover]

@Jacko seems like quite the pickle you are in, interestingly I am in nearly the exact same situation ahahahah! So it's probably good you posted this so as to answer my conundrum as well! It is a very very difficult situation I must admit but I think I have to agree with the advice most peeps on here have given you. It depends where you are in life and what you feel is appropriate given your age and depth of friendship, ask yourself, would they be looking after you if you were in a terrible situation and needed help? If not, then possibly you need to slowly fade away the relationship, try point them in the right direction, mental health services maybe? You can't spend you life like I have feeling like you have to be everyone's saviour, unfortunately these issues that you have described that your friends have are issues that only they can face, yes you are a support net, but they need to be able to stand on their own two feet at sometime otherwise this could potentially go on forever, sometimes you need to think of yourself first. That is just my two cent anyway, I am slowly phasing out some friends that I feel are dragging my down as well and spending more time with my 2-3 deepest relationships. You just have to decide really do you think it is fair these friends are stealing time from your one and only life which you could be spending on bettering yourself and helping the world in a much wider sense, I do understand first hand how this is difficult though  

[Jacko]

@Light Lover  I just don't see them changing any time soon and I can't wait forever. Being around them puts me into a negative head space at times.

 

Update:

I messaged friend 1 & 2, I let them know that I was going to have a month of solitude to do some soul seeking.

Both were more understanding than I expected. They wished me luck and showed me genuine understanding.

I'm already anxious over the thought of them being eager to see me after the month is up. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I don't want it back again.

Perhaps I'll message them and let them know this break will be continuing indefinitely, they can be very needy and I think if i catch up with them once they will become attached again.

[Light Lover]

@Jacko I think you have chosen the most mature and sensible of the options available to you dude   It's one of those situations that unfortunately seems to be an ugly choice either way, hard to make a clean break from people without them clinging, as you have just pointed out. Yes, inform them that the break up is continuing, otherwise exactly they will cling right back onto you again and you will be exactly back at square one again, in my opinion at least, hope it goes well man, keep us updated on this thread! You are doing very well so far.

[Arcangelo]

16 hours ago, Jacko said:

I just don't see them changing any time soon and I can't wait forever.

Exactly. I waited for months asking myself: -''How can they be so selfish?''

And they just kept being themselves, and i just kept suffering, instead of investing my time wisely.

I fired almost all of my friends. The only thing i regret is taking so long to do it.

 

[Forestluv]

@Jacko I would probably get some distance without a dramatic clean break. I’d also start building new healthier friendships - those that I aspire to.