Weary feeling after going outside for a run

[Nadosa]

So, I dragged myself out today, I am done with suffering. I dont want to suffer anymore. But I went existentially deep this week. So deep that the jog today was not refreshing.

I usually go to bed at like 2am, getting out at like 10am and then just see what the day brings. Oftentimes (I have holidays at the moment) I just go out, walking through the city streets and then I play drums, making music in our rehearsal room.

But deep inside I have so much suffering, energy, that builds up anytime I go out. It oftentimes ends up in anxiety, sweaty hand, distresss, nervous convulsions etc...

I dont know if this lifestyle is the cause of my suffering. But I guess. I dont do sports nor meditation. I like going out and socializing, talking to girls, people. But I feel like I am not whole. I am nothing constant. I have no bigger picture of myself. I dont know who I am.

Today I went outside for a run. As always my mind was interpreting everything in a very existential way "this tree, what is this, are you seperated, oh look your perception is so different, who is experiencing this" and as soon as something is "different" my mind is going nuts. Putting so much energy in this is so exhausting. The thing is I cant just stop and observe. I have a very unhealthy and bad belief system.

Just needed to vent.

Edited March 29, 2019 by Nadosa

[zambize]

Hope you feel better, it's great that you're willing to vent.  I've often felt overwhelmed myself and it's nice to be honest with those emotions

[Nahm]

On 3/29/2019 at 7:08 AM, Nadosa said:

So, I dragged myself out today, I am done with suffering. I dont want to suffer anymore.

There it is brother!!!!!

 

Every single word of the rest of your post, is overthinking. There is no problem, and nothing is wrong it’s you at all. Just, maybe, admit you have been practicing overthinking, and negative self talk for so long, it actually seems like a problem now. 

It’s not a problem. 

The sensations are telling, let that shit go. 

The thought - “Done. Done with suffering. I can do this.” 

That’s the only one you needed. 

Clean eating, activity / exercise - surrender. You totally got this. I was there once too. I left so I could tell you, you can leave all that to. You’re on the right track now. Keep taking care of yourself. ♥️♥️♥️