HELP! Curing from Trauma/PTSD/Ayahuasca retreat

[Juan]

Hey everyone this is my first ever post,I'm glad to be here. I'm having a big hard situation right now... 

I been doing actualized.org work progress and personal development since I was 18 years old(now I'm 23). Since then I was doing good with my life,been doing my life purpose,having up and downs but always being aware with my higher self and intuition...I had this flight on October through November(1 month) last year,I went to Nashville,TN for 3 weeks and 1 week with the idea to "live in New York".

Somehow my intuition told me to go back to Puerto Rico wich is where I live now and before the flight but I came back diferently,the trip was hard and by myself...Before the trip I blocked all the people I had sex with to just "forget them" but karma did his thing. I knew since I buyed that ticket for go and live in the USA wasn't the best idea...

Fastfoward to now I had to said sorry to everyone including the people I blocked.I felt weird and not grounded(and I been meditating for years)also been dealing with a porn/masturbation recovery. The thing is that now I'm dealing with a trauma and I belive is a PTSD symptom. I can't even go out anymore because I feel the outside world is my enemy(the way a victim thinks). I been aware most of my live until now that I feel the right opposite,like something happened on that trip...

Since I cameback from the trip I tried by myself: LSD(December),DMT(on group but wasnt big,it made my symptoms worst),thats why I did later Magic Mushroom(for "grounding") on January and finally MDMA on February. I did it alone but in a urban place...

I knew I had to fix this but can't do it alone,it's been getting worst and worst the symptoms like a spiral that now I came back to live with a family member wich I know they are not so "aware of themself" and my parents are separated and my mom live outside Puerto Rico and my dad doesn't have a car so we can met and he is having his trouble with money...

I thought suicide but not yet...I visited a psychologist and then took pills for depression from a psychiatrist (wich I felt to let go after a week,felt worst). The last option for me is do an Ayahuasca ceremony but not sure if it gonna work on me,I have small faith,very small,need to wait a week or so for the day to come...I even done nootropics but still,not helping to fix the main problem...

Someone have suggestion or know some similar experience?

Thankyou for everyone who could read my story. Blessings.

Edited March 28, 2019 by Juan

[zambize]

From my experience, these drugs usually uncover a lot of repressed emotion and shit in your life.  If you are already in a bad mental place in your life be it depression/anxiety etc, I wouldn't recommend taking those drugs.  It seems to me like you did a drug, then a bunch of repressed emotions and shit came up, and you didn't take the appropriate time to integrate that experience and deal with those emotions that popped up.  Then you hoped maybe another trip would jumble things up again and maybe help get through that, but that will often just make it worse.  I would personally not recommend doing an Ayahuasca ceremony, but I haven't done one personally.  Just kind of thematically based off of what psychedelics do to me in general.  I really think you should be looking at stuff like physical exercise, taking more walks outside, finding a creative outlet, journaling your emotions until you feel like you're in a better place and can do a ceremony like this.   

 

I know @Serotoninluv has experience with Ayahuasca, so I'll just @ him in case he has anything to add

 

Hope you feel better <3

 

[Forestluv]

@Juan

First I'll tell you what is arising within me after reading your response: Ayahuasca is another psychedelic tool, yet ime I would not say it has anymore power than other psychedelics. It is it's own powerful "teacher". It may resonate for some, it might not resonate for others. You mentioned you have tried several different psychedelics and they did not resonate with you, it may that psychedelics in general are not resonating with you or that those particular three psychedelic teachers did not resonate with you.

One other thing with Ayahuasca ceremonies are the communities. If you continue this route, I would strongly encourage you to do a lot of research to find one you personally resonate with. The community atmsosphere has a major impact on experience. It is not just you tripping at the ceremony, there is an energetic group tripping as well. I researched for two months before deciding on one. I contacted people who had done the retreat there and I contacted the leaders. The Aya ceremony was filled with highly conscious beings and there was a depth of love present I never knew existed.

With that said, one message I got after my third Aya retreat was to never discourage or encourage another person to attend their first Aya ceremony. Mother Aya made it absolutely clear to me that the answer is within them. So I am not encouraging or discouraging you. This answer is within you. For me, there was an inner calling to do it. That inner calling kept coming back and I had to travel across the world to honor it. I later found that it was Mother Aya calling me. Perhaps others also have experienced that, perhaps not. It's just my experience.

Whichever path you take, I love you just the way you are.

[Juan]

@zambize Thanks alot I apreciate brother,I din't expected even a response so I'm glad this works. Yea I try those things but seems very difficult (and I'm aware what is emotionally hard is key) but is like I had this mental block trauma thing wish doesnt allow me. I go outside and I already start panicking/fight and flight response, is like a negative spiral thing,I try be positive but my mind doesn't allow me much. I did some journaling,but seems not taking anywhere yet,definitely helps for organize.

@Serotoninluv Gracias/Thanks,daily I do educate myself from the medicine so when I do it I sort of prepare what would happen still I have to let myself go and expectations. 

Thanks both of you guys for respond,means alot.

[zambize]

1 hour ago, Juan said:

@zambize Thanks alot I apreciate brother,I din't expected even a response so I'm glad this works. Yea I try those things but seems very difficult (and I'm aware what is emotionally hard is key) but is like I had this mental block trauma thing wish doesnt allow me. I go outside and I already start panicking/fight and flight response, is like a negative spiral thing,I try be positive but my mind doesn't allow me much. I did some journaling,but seems not taking anywhere yet,definitely helps for organize.

@Serotoninluv Gracias/Thanks,daily I do educate myself from the medicine so when I do it I sort of prepare what would happen still I have to let myself go and expectations. 

Thanks both of you guys for respond,means alot.

Thank you for the response!  It's important for me to see what other people think of my advice or why it might be difficult so that next time someone has a similar issue, maybe a friend of mine in real life, I have a better idea of what to do.  

My advice then would be to take it at whatever rate you are willing to, maybe some of these journaling exercises and whatnot might be a little bit intense or feel like too much effort at the moment, and that's fine and normal when one has a lot on their plate.  However, you should think of some small things to help you process these emotions.  Usually to process your emotions, you'll want to be in a bit of a quieter mood with less distractions and kind of surrendering/accepting these emotions in your awareness.  Do nothing meditation is maybe a more advanced form of this, but there are many smaller things you could be doing in your life to help process emotions.  For example, one thing I do is sit by the window when I smoke instead of on the couch.  It's not the typical spiritual advice, but it brings me just a bit closer to nature and quiets my mind down just a bit more to help me work through all the negative emotions that have piled up.  Maybe for you a step would just be listening to calmer music, or watching a bit less TV, on your phone less.  Whatever it is, I think theres something for you to start feeling better 

[Nahm]

@Juan Has anyone mentioned that generally speaking, 23 totally sucks? I hear you on having a trauma that needs to be barfed out, but just saying, almost everyone flirts with that rock bottom between 22-24. Did you know the brain is typically not even fully developed until 25 and change? Don’t be too married to how you’re seeing anything right now. In just two years, literally everything, you, the world, everything will seem totally different. 

If I might - we need to release that trauma man. It truly was not your fault. You deserve to be happy. It’s in the past, it I has passed. It’s over and done. You CAN let it go, it’s a matter of when someone or something “clicks”, and big release happens. I have a session for the next few hours, but other than that, message me anytime. I feel for you and want to help if I can. Maybe we could skype this weekend someone? If you’re comfortable with that, I promise I’m the most average boring dude, no biggie. 

I’ve talked with few people who said very much what you said lately and I have learned a little, and helped a little too. It seems the trauma get’s Turned into this “it”, and there’s some pretty rough sensation almost insisting there is something needs to be ‘realized’, or ‘figured out’, but every attempt never seems to get to the bottom of this ‘it’. If that sounds familiar, again, I sure would like to try and help you. Sending love & healing your way Juan ♥️

[Juan]

@zambize thanks brother. I apreciate and will do it.

@Nahm Sounds like a good idea,I apreciate alot the help.

[Nahm]

@Juan

Notice the simple sweetness in a single breath today Juan. It’s a gift.

Notice, thoughts arise.  And notice they get your attention. 

Bless them, and return your attention to what you’re experiencing; what is right in front of your that you are seeing. Note 10 details to yourself, then note 10 more that you didn’t notice before. Put attention on what you’re hearing, all around you. Identity, note, 5 sounds, and see if you are aware of the silence the sounds are transpiring in. 

Do this not as a practice, and not as a request from Nahm. 

Do this to relax, to give some of the thinking a break. 

Do this, only for you. Ok?

Take time to sit, and relax. Mentally tell the crown of your head to let go. Feel the crown muscles relax and let go. Then move to your eye sockets, keep saying ‘let go’, until you feel the muscles relax and let go of their grip / tension. Then the jaw, the mouth, the cheek muscles, the neck, the back, the cloudless, the torso, the stomach, the hips, the thighs, the knees, the calves, the ankles the feet. 

Do this over and over for a few minutes or, for as long as it feels good. 

It’s going to be really important that you take this time just for you, if we are going to ‘work’ together - in your healing, ok?

And when you sit, taking some time just for you - if any sensations arises which don’t feel good - then grab a pen & paper, and write out the feeling. Write a short story, where the character is experiencing this, and sharing with the reader, how it feels. Describe the feeling in any way you feel to, no one will ever read this (throw it away afterwards). 

After that, write down, in one phrase: “I would be happy, if ______________ were true.”

Of course, if this help doesn’t feel right for you, no worries ? ♥️

Sending love & healing your way Juan. 

[Samuel Rdz]

Hi Juan,

It seems you are navigating the dark part of the mind, once you start this travel (spiritual travel) sooner or later it will happen, if you are doing a sincere work you will have to face this place, is a very dark one, is as you said as if all is danger, world against you. Your feelings seems very intense since you have not seen yet the shore, the opposite end, where all the light of your self arise and lie. You need first to recognize and see that there is no danger, that you are the doer of everything, all things you see comes from you, this is beautiful when is contemplated since you will understand that you were never on a battlefield but in your mind that's real liberation.

But in order that you can experience that and you can feel the release that this experience brings, you have to go deep in the practice of releasing your emotions, sometimes we think that something very radical should be done in order to get this fixed, but sometimes is the contrary (I do not mean to be passive either) so i'm agreed with zambize about the need of learning how to release emotions, this is very important since they are from what you're running away, you would love not to feel them, however these emotions are valid to be experienced, we know they could be very intense, so you have to start to know how to release them one by one, this will give you a huge step in feeling good again.

I consider myself like a mind surfer, I have been in Ayahuasca trips many times, and what I found is that Ayahuasca can help you getting that glimpse of light and hope you need since you need to experience your real Self, however it can be also very intense, since psychedelics work with what is occurring within your mind,  you have to know that set and setting is very important, you will experience with Ayahuasca (and some other psychedelics) exactly what you carry in your mind, if you have any practice or skills about meditation, contemplation, or any work in the mind where you could already work in yourself that will allow the Ayahuasca to show you more deep the truth and the healing could be total, so try to get a discipline or an spiritual path that can open your mind to a mystical experience, you may be ready for that however if you do the practice that can allow a huge experience of healing.

Brother, just keep looking, baby steps, you are in a point of maximum understanding. If that serves you I use A Course In Miracles as spiritual path which is in my opinion the fastest path to enlightenment. This is the time where we can know once and for all what is happening to this reality, but we have to be brave and be willing to experience anything, so go for that glimpse you will know when you are ready.

Peace and love

Samuel

[Samuel Rdz]

One more thing, there is a technique that is very powerful and I feel it can help you to release emotions very quick, take a look at this video, this guy that appears giving the release it seems is in California, I think if you feel it you may go there and have an interview, this can have you out of that experience you are feeling now

 

Good luck brother

Samuel