Fear of intimacy and relationships

[LambChop]

Hello,

I'm writing this because I have a fear of intimacy, relationships, and sexuality. Don't get me wrong- my heart craves for fulfillment in all of those areas, but there is a deep seated issue that has spooked me out of the dating game.

About half a year ago my late boyfriend broke it off with me. It was a complete surprise since we were supposed to be having a fun shopping day, and we had a huge makeout session and talk of our future beforehand. It turned out that I was clinging on too hard (I was insecurely attached), and at that point he held off on telling me his true feelings until the bitter end. It kinda gave me a sort of emotional whiplash and I am scared of that happening to me again.

Throughout my childhood I've never been taught about trust with my parents. I remember they made it very clear when I was a child, "If you want to be loved, you must be lovable". That kinda distorted my perception of love and trust, and it taught me that it was all conditional. Kinda screwy, right? If I had bad grades, I was given no love. If I ever expressed innocent love for the same sex (or even expressed love for someone they didnt approve of), I wouldn't get a lick of attention for days.

That scared me. I've already messed up my previous relationship from lacking trust in myself and my partner, but after that heartbreak I feel afraid of exploring love, relationships, and my sexuality. 

I take full responsibility for myself and my emotions, and I just wanna know if there is a way I can help myself become more secure. I really, really, really would love to feel love without fear, and I would love to take on the responsibility of a relationship.

If anyone has advice or insight, please!!

[Pallero]

Hi.

It sounds like what you have experienced must have been extremely painful. Both with your parents and of course with your ex-boyfriend as well. No wonder you are afraid of trusting again. Anyone would feel that way in your position.

You're asking if there is a way that you can help yourself become more secure. Is there anyone in your life that you fully trust? Even if it's not a person, it can be another animal, like a cat or a dog.

You might want to look into self-trust. On some level you think that you don't deserve to be unconditionally loved. Addressing those beliefs would be a good idea.

You can start building self-trust by asking yourself how you already trust yourself. You might want to make a list of all things that are positive about you: your values, skills and strengths.

 

On 27.3.2019 at 9:25 PM, LambChop said:

"If you want to be loved, you must be lovable"

What exactly did "lovable" mean for your parens? Try to define it to see clearly what things you are demanding of yourself.

 

You might find this video useful:

 

[Privet]

@LambChop

I like your level of self-awareness, you must be a very warm person.

When did you start clinging to him, from the beginning or when you started to open up to each other?

[Joseph Maynor]

Do you feel like you have a guard up?  If so, how would you describe that guard that you have up?

[Forestluv]

@LambChop Sometimes I feel like there is a beautiful glass statue inside of me. It is so sweet, delicate, gentle, innocent and loving. Yet that stature has been handled roughly in the past and got banged up quite a bit by a few people. So, that glass statue got put in a safe place so it won't get harmed. Yet, relationships just aren't the same when I keep that part of me locked up.

My tendency in the past has been to over-share that part of me and getting burned. I may like a gal and open up - I might write her some poetry and start falling in love, under the illusion she is with me. Then finding out she has been just keeping me around and is cheating on me. It's devasting to that inner part of me and it gets locked up. Yet then the next relationship is just on the surface and I feel like I'm just going through the motions - it isn't meaningful or satisfying.

What's helped me is to practice self love - not in a selfish egostical way. Rather in a loving way - like how I would treat others. To be kind to myself. Prepare a healthy meal for myself. Do yoga and take a bath occasionally. When I can reach a level of self love, I am not dependent on the other person for love. I don't try to please them so they will love me or give me attention. I don't need to open up my inner self on the third date and hope that they will approve of me. I am grounded in love, whether or not they are emotionally available. I am not dependent on them. I also need to establish healthy personal boundaries and respect their personal boundaries. Together, this allows a gradual trust to develop. You mentioned trust and I think this is a really important factor. Trust and also mutual support. Yet I've found I cannot develop that if I am not grounded in love and my well-being is dependent on what another person thinks of me or treats me.