I just want to hide

[breathe582]

I'm a 19-year-old female currently living in a state of depression, lack of motivation, addiction to nicotine, and a reliance on a toxic person I recently removed from my life. 

I recently broke up with my "toxic" boyfriend (23) of 1 year 1/2 about 3 weeks ago. It was a decision I was working up towards for months. I had given most of my time to him, even though it was usually verbally abusive and spirit-crushing. Everyone told me I could do better - I had lost sight of my spirit for life in this relationship, and found it was best to leave and live on my own in the college dorms. 

However, this has seemed to cause more problems than I thought. Even though everyone told me to block his number, I couldn't stand to - I still cared for him and he was very traumatized by my leaving. So, I continued to talk to him secretly to make sure everything was alright. He said he realized what he needs to change in order to win me back, and the first time I hung out with him post-breakup he showed appreciation and adoration of me. I thought I was holding my own and that I'd be doing better in no time, but I eventually caved and started hanging out with him every day. Eventually, this led to getting physical with him and now we're regularly kissing, hugging, and having sex. 

The only reason I let it get to this point is because I'm scared this may be the best option for me. When I'm at my dorm, I sink into a pit of depressive nuance. I don't do my homework, I don't go to class, I don't sleep, I overeat, and I hardly even leave my room because I'm far too scared to face my sweet roommates. At least with him, I feel a bit more relaxed, I can go to classes, get some homework done, get a great night's sleep, and venture outside from time to time. 

The thing is, I met him about 2 weeks into my freshman year. He introduced me to professors, friends, and places that soon became my places too. But when I'm alone in my dorm, all I can think about is leaving him will result in me having no friends, connections, or places to go in the city. It feels I am utterly alone, and I'm scared I'd be way worse off without him. I've made myself almost completely dependent on him. 

I swore to myself to quit my nicotine addiction (something that rouse due to his frequent nicotine/drug/alcohol use) right when I broke up with him. But about the 2nd day in my dorm, I felt so anxious being in class that I skipped it all day, went to a smoke shop, and starting using again. 

Now, I'm in his room waiting for him to come home. I said I'd be doing homework but I haven't done one assignment. He doesn't know that I've been lying around, eating junk food, masturbating, and neurotically dying my hair all week. 

I just keep getting this sinking feeling of guilt - I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing and expected myself to be doing at this moment (personal development/reflection, meditation, yoga, healthy eating, regular studying, general bettering of oneself, etc.) but I can't seem to get myself to do any of it. I just want to hide. I don't want to visit my family, I don't want him to come home...I feel I'm using him so I can more comfortably cocoon in what used to be my home. 

I don't know where to start, or what the conscious decision I need to make here. I felt leaving him to work on my self-actualization was a mistake when I found alone, I had no motivation to do any of it. But with him, I have no time. 

I'm more ranting here but if there's any advice on what I can do to clear my mind and live more consciously, please let me know. Thanks so much, I hope you're all having a lovely day. 

[Forestluv]

5 hours ago, breathe582 said:

I recently broke up with my "toxic" boyfriend 

However, this has seemed to cause more problems than I thought. Even though everyone told me to block his number, I couldn't stand to -  

I continued to talk to him secretly to make sure everything was alright.

this led to getting physical with him and now we're regularly kissing, hugging, and having sex. 

I've made myself almost completely dependent on him. 

Now, I'm in his room waiting for him to come home. 

I would take the advice that everyone is giving you: block him. 

[Jamie Universe]

@Serotoninluvsecond that, but it sounds to me like you're also addicted to him, and everything he 'gives' you. I can understand the lack of motivation, please text your family, any friends, this story doesn't end with all your problems magically fixing themselves as much as I hate to say it, but on the other hand, 1 text can go a long way in motivating yourself. Every little action you make against the problem counts, and he is the problem, make that clear to yourself, if this is where you truly want to be for the rest of your life then tell yourself that, but listen to that voice that made you write this post and is always in the back of your mind.

if its literally just a "I need to fucking change" right before you go to bed, than its 1 win for you, but the more the better until eventually you solve your own problems, start at where your at, do what you can. 

[ajasatya]

@breathe582 i am sorry to say this but it seems like you haven't suffered enough just yet. your levels of attachment are way too high and only an intense shock of emotional pain felt in the bones can shake you out of the turmoil of such a disturbed and undisciplined mind.

[tsuki]

On 26.03.2019 at 11:17 PM, breathe582 said:

Everyone told me I could do better - I had lost sight of my spirit for life in this relationship, and found it was best to leave and live on my own in the college dorms. 

@breathe582 You can do better does not mean that you should find a better boyfriend. 
It means that you could be a better girlfriend.

Relationships are always an interplay between two people. At the very least you can investigate why that person is perfect to teach you about all the parts of yourself that you simply cannot accept. If you undertook the journey of loving what you hate within you, your relationship would improve, and you wouldn't need it anymore.

The reason why you are attracted to him despite that it seems like he makes you suffer is because he also seems to promise to fulfill your needs. Needs that you have, but also cannot accept.

Seeing what you don't want to see within him and loving what you hate about you is the key for growth in relationships.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[Elisabeth]

If he's indeed toxic (quite likely), and you want to break up 

1) Line up social help. Ask friends (if you have any of your own) to take you out more often. Ask your roommates to please be patient for a few weeks and remind you to go to class. Ask your classmates to do homework together (or to please help you with it at this time, as you have fallen behind on the subjects). Call your mom if you trust her. Find out if your school has a counselling service and make an appointment there. 

2) Realize, that relationships are a sort of addiction too. The moment you break up, you experience 1) grief (for many things, including your idea of the future that "could have been"), and 2) withdrawal symptoms and cravings. That's why you do need to go no contact for a while to come clean. Wait out 40 days of no contact, minimum. Also, maybe, it's not the very best time to fight a nicotine addiction.

3) I'm hearing a lot of guilt. Drop it. You're not a bad person for breaking up, and he's not your responsibility. He can cope. You're not a bad person for being depressed after a breakup and failing to manage schoopwork. You're having a bad breakup. Break up and indulge in dying your hair for two weeks if you need to.

4) Wait it out and accept the process. You'll be depressed for a 2-3 weeks. Do your best in school obviously, immerse yourself into work if you can. But even more importantly, do anything that makes you feel better for a while. Focus on self-care. Cook yourself a meal, go for a walk, cry as needed. Support your body and mind, support your healing. 

5) Examine your patterns ... but not now. Just break up. Reflect later. 

6) Trust that you can get over it. The shitty feelings will lift in time. (However, if the breakup depression isn't getting better or going away, seek professional help - that would be a sign of deeper issues.)

Edited March 27, 2019 by Elisabeth

[Forestluv]

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

@breathe582

You can do better does not mean that you can should find a better boyfriend. 
It means that you could be a better girlfriend.

Relationships are always an interplay between two people. At the very least you can investigate why that person is perfect to teach you about all the parts of yourself that you simply cannot accept. If you undertook the journey of loving what you hate within you, your relationship would improve, and you wouldn't need it anymore.

The reason why you are attracted to him despite that it seems like he makes you suffer is because he also seems to promise to fulfill your needs. Needs that you have, but also cannot accept.

Seeing what you don't want to see within him and loving what you hate about you is the key for growth in relationships.

I think that type of introspective work is great after one has removed themself from an abusive relationship.

The OP said she has been trying to break it off with a toxic partner and is unable to do so. She tried to break up with him and found herself at his house last night waiting for him to come home. . . 

I think the most important thing to do right now by far is to set a strong breakup boundary and do not have contact under any circumstance. Block his phone number. Then reach out to friends and family for support,. Then go get help at psychological services at the college. The no contact is sooo important to get distance. The first week or two is incredibly difficult - after a week or two of no contact and there is some distance - then one may be able to start doing real introspective personal development and growing in a new direction. 

Toxic, abusive relationships are a major trap that can be extremely difficult to free oneself. The first stage is breaking free of that trap and getting distance from the trap. Then one can examine how the ended up in the trap and how they can grow so they don't get trapped again.

[zambize]

Hope you feel better, maybe you'll be happy you went through this one day as suffocating as it might be right now.  At the very least it will help you sympathize with people going through the same, depression is actually very common so there certainly isnt anything wrong with you

[tsuki]

47 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I think that type of introspective work is great after one has removed themself from an abusive relationship.

The OP said she has been trying to break it off with a toxic partner and is unable to do so. She tried to break up with him and found herself at his house last night waiting for him to come home. . . 

I think the most important thing to do right now by far is to set a strong breakup boundary and do not have contact under any circumstance. Block his phone number. Then reach out to friends and family for support,. Then go get help at psychological services at the college. The no contact is sooo important to get distance. The first week or two is incredibly difficult - after a week or two of no contact and there is some distance - then one may be able to start doing real introspective personal development and growing in a new direction. 

Toxic, abusive relationships are a major trap that can be extremely difficult to free oneself. The first stage is breaking free of that trap and getting distance from the trap. Then one can examine how the ended up in the trap and how they can grow so they don't get trapped again

@Serotoninluv Like I said, relationships are mutual.
There is a reason why she is attracted to him despite her thoughts about abuse and toxicity.
I haven't found a single mention of how the said abuse is done other than it is verbal.
For all I know she is unwilling to break off by wallowing in pity for him and herself.

I was very careful to not suggest neither breaking contact, nor continuing.
The quoted passage can indeed be me misread if not considered carefully, but I am neither condoning, nor condemning.
The first step to healing is a conscious decision to undertake it and relationships can be a tool to attain clarity.
Even if she's hearing advice to leave her current boyfriend from her environment, I am not going to deprive her of the resolve to make this relationship work. If a person is locked in a victim mindset, she is very likely to attract abusive environment that can suggest all sorts of ill advice.

Regardless of her decision, first of all - I wish her resolve to take ownership of her own life and make decisions for herself.
I know she can do it.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[Forestluv]

@tsuki I volunteered many years with abused women. One thing I learned is to take an abused woman at her word. She said her boyfriend is toxic and he is abusive. Everyone in her life is saying he is abusive and she should block him. The suggestion that it isn't "real" abuse or both-side-ism is a common dynamic that can keep an abused woman in an abusive relationship.

I know the "both sides" position can seem open-minded and neutral, yet there comes a time to believe someone when they say they are being abused and to be supportive to them. In this case, I would say questioning whether she is actually being abused and suggesting she need to show evidence and justify that the abuse is real is inappropriate.

[tsuki]

3 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I would say questioning whether she is actually being abused and suggesting she need to show evidence and justify that the abuse is real is inappropriate.

@Serotoninluv I never questioned her words and never wanted any evidence.
All I am saying is that she needs to find resolve and take ownership of her life.
This is the message.

The other part says how to do it.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[Forestluv]

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Serotoninluv I never questioned her words and never wanted any evidence.
All I am saying is that she needs to find resolve and take ownership of her life.
This is the message.

The other part says how to do it.

I understand that. 

Imagine being in a trap and being abused. Then someone comes along and says "find resolve and take ownership of your life".

That sounds like a perspective from someone who has not been in an abusive trap. And a perspective from someone who has not worked with abused survivors. 

Getting out of an abusive trap is extremely difficult.  All the energy needs to go into removing oneself from the trap and getting support. Any talk like "well, both people in the relationship are at fault", "he is revealing some of your own shortcomings", "maybe it's best for her to have the resolve to stay in the relationship and make it work" all make it harder to break free of the abusive relationship. This is a view lacking empathy and direct experience. I have gone through this dynamic myself and I have volunteered in a counseling unit with abused women. It is easy to be on the outside sitting at a computer and go into conceptual mode and type out advice that sounds good. It is entirely different to have actually suffered the abuse and have actually spent time working with women in abused relationships. It sounds like you don't have that experience. In my experience, that leads to a very limited (yet well-intentioned) perspective. 

[tsuki]

14 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I understand that. 

Imagine being in a trap and being abused. Then someone comes along and says "find resolve and take ownership of your life".

That sounds like a perspective from someone who has not been in an abusive trap. And a perspective from someone who has not worked with abused survivors. 

Getting out of an abusive trap is extremely difficult.  All the energy needs to go into removing oneself from the trap and getting support. Any talk like "well, both people in the relationship are at fault", "he is revealing some of your own shortcomings", "maybe it's best for her to have the resolve to stay in the relationship and make it work" are make it harder to break free of the abusive relationship. This is a view lacking empathy and direct experience. I have gone through this dynamic myself and I have volunteered in a counseling unit with abused women. It is easy to be on the outside sitting at a computer and go into conceptual mode and type out advice that sounds good. It is entirely different to have actually suffered the abuse and have actually spent time working with women in abused relationships. It sounds like you don't have that experience. In my experience, that leads to a very limited (yet well-intentioned) perspective.

@Serotoninluv You're not reading my responses, but reacting to your green ideology.
Going through hardships of life does not ennoble you. It ennobles your self-image.
I am giving the best advice I can and it is based on whatever life experience I have.
Don't you dare to reduce my life to keyboard jockeying, or entertainment, mister moderator.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[zambize]

51 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@Serotoninluv You're not reading my responses, but reacting to your green ideology.
Going through hardships of life does not ennoble you. It ennobles your self-image.
I am giving the best advice I can and it is based on whatever life experience I have.
Don't you dare to reduce my life to keyboard jockeying, or entertainment, mister moderator.

Your message also came off as insensitive to the situation, and while I didn't disagree with a lot of what you had to say, it just didn't seem like good advice given the situation.  I also think he's just trying to give you some constructive criticism, you seem more offended by his words than interested in hearing about what someone who has a lot of experience with helping women in abusive relationships has to say.  Instead you seem intent on making this more of a personal issue, your response wreaks of sarcasm, and you still haven't seriously considered his perspective (labeling it green ideology)

[tsuki]

22 minutes ago, zambize said:

I also think he's just trying to give you some constructive criticism, you seem more offended by his words than interested in hearing about what someone who has a lot of experience with helping women in abusive relationships has to say.

You're right. I responded to the parts that I find offensive to get them out of the way of our conversation.
My 'advice' that both parties take part in a relationship also applies to conversation that I'm having with mr Serotonin.
I don't consider anger as a fault, but a guide to wellbeing if used responsibly.

Every one of my responses was a clarification of what he implies about my message that I find false.
The last post where he first accuses me of lack of empathy, and the just proceeds to floor me is just too much to respond to neutrally.

@breathe582 I'm sorry that this is happening in this thread, I hope that you find some value in this back and forth.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

@Serotoninluv You're not reading my responses, but reacting to your green ideology.
Going through hardships of life does not ennoble you. It ennobles your self-image.
I am giving the best advice I can and it is based on whatever life experience I have.
Don't you dare to reduce my life to keyboard jockeying, or entertainment, mister moderator.

I read your responses and I fully understand what you are saying. To me, it sounds like there is disconnect going on at the human level - in particular the empathetic mode of being. Empathetic understanding comes from direct experience. I developed this understanding after going through abusive relationships and working with dozens of women that had gone through abusive relationships. Before this experience, I lacked this empathetic understanding. I am not talking about compassion. I am talking about a high level of empathetic understanding that is gained through direct experience. I also lack empathetic understanding in some areas, for example I have a deficiency in empathetic understanding of going through the insanity of post-partum disorder. I can imagine how difficult it is and have compassion, yet I lack empathetic understanding since I do not have direct experience of going through the insanity of post-partum.

I understand you gave the best advice you could. I understand you have good intentions. I understand that it is based on life experience.

What I am saying is I don't think it is the best advice for the current situation. I think it has a lot of value in a different situation. Part of personal awareness is understanding one's own direct experience and how that may affect their perspective. This is an understanding and awareness that comes from maturity. There is only one way to get direct experience and that is through direct experience. It cannot be figured out or bought. It often takes a looong time and can be extremely uncomfortable.

For example, I would have given advice similar to yours when I was younger. I then got direct experience being in an abusive relationship and I worked for years volunteering with abused women in a clinic. This experience changed my perspective. Based on both direct experience with abusive relationships at both the personal and social level, I believe your advice is not the best and I explained why. There are power and emotional dynamics in abusive relationships that run deep. Furthermore, giving advice to abused women should not be taken lightly. This is serious business with serious consequences. Those that have been abused and have worked with abuse victims understand this. After all this experience, I can say that for abusive relationships your advice is not good for a woman trapped in an abusive relationship trying to leave - yet unable to leave. The advice can actually be damaging. I am not saying you are doing this intentionally. I understand you have good intentions. 

Developing deeper understanding requires direct experience. There are things I have direct experience with and have worked through that I am comfortable with. There are also areas in which I do not have direct experience and I would not offer advice. If I did, I would understand the limits of my direct experience and I would be open to those with more direct experience. When I volunteered to assist abuse women I went into it with a sense of openness and humility. This helped me learn a great deal. If I went in with a defensive attitude that my direct experience was already sufficient and nobody better suggest I have a deficiency - then I would have been closed off to learning. Similarly, there are many areas in which I have little direct experience. For example, I do not have direct experience as being a parent. If there was a parent with serious problems with their child asking for help, I may offer some suggestions with good intentions. Yet if people that are actually parents with years of direct experience as parents came in and said my advice is not the best because I am not considering a few things, I would be open to their direct experience. Direct experience is King. There is no substitute. I would understand that my view is limited due to a lack in direct experience. As well, I do not have direct experience of being a woman, being a minority, being homosexual or transgender. I've never been pregnant, gone though a divorce or gone through custody battles. I have never lived in a war-torn country. I have never experienced military bombings and the devastation it causes on communities and families. I have no direct experience in the military. I have never been through that training and I have never shot someone. I have never experienced a comrade being shot. There are times in which I can try to imagine this situations and offer my input and support with good intentions, yet I am very aware of my limitations of direct experience and I am cautious how I speak about these issues. I value the direct experience of others in these areas and I am open to learning from them. Over and over on the board there are members with direct experience that I lack offering their experience. I totally welcome that. There are other areas I have extensive knowledge and direct experience. Part of developing emotional, empathetic and social intelligence is being aware of this. 

One of the biggest blocks I see with personal growth and consciousness work are people assuming they have understanding without direct experience. They speak out thinking they understand, yet are unaware of their lack of experience and the value of that experience. Even in this area, I am well aware there are people that have experience that I lack. In particular, the perspective coming from a woman. Being a man in an abusive relationship has different dynamics that being a woman in an abusive relationship. I understand this and realize I have limitations to my direct experience.  

And the comment about how it's easier to conceptualize in comfort than undergo actual direct experience also comes from direct experience. I accumulated a lot of knowledge and concepts about abuse, racism, PTSD, panic disorders, anxiety disorders etc. There is nothing wrong with that, yet I had no idea how limited my understanding was until I started experiencing it myself and working directly with those that suffer from these things. It is an entirely different area of understanding that does not come through conceptualization. Yet that does not mean conceptualization is bad, it just means it is limited.

[tsuki]

48 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I understand you gave the best advice you could. I understand you have good intentions. I understand that it is based on life experience.

What I am saying is I don't think it is the best advice for the current situation. Part of personal awareness is understanding one's own direct experience and how that may affect their perspective. This is an understanding and awareness that comes from maturity. There is only one way to get direct experience and that is through direct experience. It cannot be figured out or bought. It often takes a looong time and can be extremely uncomfortable.

Like I said, I felt compelled to respond to your post to straighten out the parts that I found to be misrepresented.
The angry part came from the fact that I don't consider my advice in opposition to yours, so your responses felt unearned.
I was confused into thinking that you are responding to me because of that, but you are simply trying to communicate with @breathe582 .

I do have personal history with abuse and women though. Both as a victim and as a helper. Not voluntarily.
It definitely contributed to my emotional response to your assumptions about me. No hard feelings left.

Edited March 27, 2019 by tsuki

[Forestluv]

57 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Like I said, I felt compelled to respond to your post to straighten out the parts that I found to be misrepresented.
The angry part came from the fact that I don't consider my advice in opposition to yours, so your responses felt unearned.
I was confused into thinking that you are responding to me because of that, but you are simply trying to communicate with @breathe582 .

I do have personal history with abuse and women though. Both as a victim and as a helper. Not voluntarily.
It definitely contributed to my emotional response to your assumptions about me. No hard feelings left.

Thank you for this response. I can come across as being abrasive at times. It is something I am trying to develop better skills with.

Yes, I think we agree a lot. I think your view has a lot of value in many situations. As well, I am not an expert in this area. For all I know, your advice is perfect in this situation. Who knows, maybe her reaction was due to fears and insecurities and it is something she can work out by taking a look at herself and working with her bf. That is not my impression tho.

And I apologize for the comment suggesting computer jockeying. I can relate to people that are trying to break free of abusive relationships and the pain and suffering endured by staying in abusive relationships. As well, I used to over-conceptualize a lot and I would talk a lot about things I lacked direct experience in. This aspect of me may have been triggered and I may have written what I wish someone told me years ago. I can see how that comment wasn't entirely fair and I would rephrase it if I could.

[tsuki]

@Serotoninluv ?

I hope that @breathe582 can make something out of our jumbled mess of a conversation.
We were literally fighting over who's gonna make your life better! 

[Forestluv]

30 minutes ago, tsuki said:

We were literally fighting over who's gonna make your life better! 

Beautiful. Sometimes I need to remind myself that we are all on the same team