today i realized

[thesmileyone]

that everything i think i know is pointless.

 

that everything I think I am is false

 

that I am pointless and false

 

my whole life is pointless and false

 

I'm not sure what happened I was just sitting here on the tail end of a dopamine / seretonin high (binge eating carbs) and had this realization and its like everything under me collapsed, all the dominos have knocked each other down. I haven't meditated for a few days or anything either. I'm pretty lost

[mandyjw]

Get rid of the idea that you should be meditating, that you shouldn't binge eat carbs and that you're lost and tell me how you feel about that experience. 

[DrewNows]

Good!

Love yourself, you are anything, everything, and nothing 

the mind is a game. learn it live it love it ♥️

Then watch it disappear 

Edited March 25, 2019 by DrewNows

[thesmileyone]

Some things have come up I can actually see a timeline now, behaviours that occured as a result of initial trauma some 15-16 years ago are currently in my awareness (such as flinching when around people), before that was about 5 years of trauma and before that were all happy memories so hopefully...not long to go now.

I wish the RASA people made people aware of how hard / fraught the post RASA 1k path is. Ramaji in his book states that it might take up to 5 years, but he does not state how painful it is.

[Highest]

Good. 

2 hours ago, thesmileyone said:

 

that everything I think I am is false

That's a good start ??

[Nahm]

I am is not a thought, you’re the source of thoughts. This is why false thinking never feels good - or, not feeling good let’s you know the present thought is false. 

“Pointless” is a thought, and it’s on the inherent foundation of “point”. Let point & pointless go (duality - thinking). Create instead of ‘figuring out’. 

You can think your life is pointless and false - but that’s just a thought, all thought of I am is false. 

You’re not lost, it’s not possible. I understand what you mean though. If you want the alignment of well being, eat to the tune - and when your beingness says the current thinking is false, llisten immediately. Linger & dwell, and you pay the price, every time. 

The thinking you are ‘Post 1k” is thinking. Let it go. It creates a dualistic mental frame, so you (perspective wise) are certain to lose in either case. IT’s rooted in comparison, which inherently false thinking. 

 

[Highest]

@Nahm What isn't thoughts? What is the absence of thoughts? 

[thesmileyone]

Life experience

[Highest]

1 minute ago, thesmileyone said:

Life experience

3 minutes ago, Shiva said:

@thesmileyone What is stopping you from thinking everything is extremely meaningful, precious and amazing?

The actual devil. ?

[Joseph Maynor]

You have a certain charisma that's charming.

[Nahm]

@Highest Actuality♥️

[Highest]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Highest Actuality♥️

????

[tedens]

19 hours ago, thesmileyone said:

that everything i think i know is pointless.

 

that everything I think I am is false

 

that I am pointless and false

 

my whole life is pointless and false

 

I'm not sure what happened I was just sitting here on the tail end of a dopamine / seretonin high (binge eating carbs) and had this realization and its like everything under me collapsed, all the dominos have knocked each other down. I haven't meditated for a few days or anything either. I'm pretty lost

 

17 hours ago, Highest said:

Good. 

That's a good start ??

@thesmileyone

Now you really can practice self inquiry keeping 'concept' 'I am illusion'  in mind.

Edited March 26, 2019 by tedens

[thesmileyone]

Some more to add. I really hope this helps someone, even a guest, because everyone's path is different yet has many crossovers.

 

- It's like, lately, I spend time researching "conspiracy theories" (some are real or close to the truth) so my, whatever you call underneath the EGO mind, can sort/filter/process old stuff without me getting in the way. Then it all queues up, and I feel the need to meditate, or I get heart palpitations and other phenomena that tells me it is time to meditate. This has happened quite a few times over the last 8 months or so that I have been on the path alone with no support network.

Anyway when this does happen, crazy stuff happens during the meditation in terms of either visuals or feelings then I get samadhi, you know where one second you are there, the next second you blink and 3 hours have passed by.

Then after that I normally get some wierd experiences consciously. Last night I kept seeing flashes of white / silver, very quick flashes, randomly, with eyes either open or closed, and in the shower. I also woke up in bed a few times because it was like I was a different person re-living life from a different perspective, this is kind of difficult to say though because it was like I saw someone elses entire life flash by within 1 second of my conscious life.

Then I woke up today in no-thought state as usual then had this ephiphany that all the choices I made in life lead up to this moment in life, the dukkha (suffering) I experience due to having no friends, and a sad miserable life. I knew this already from the POV of the mind ie logically but this was on a much deeper level than that. And it makes me question myself because...all the nondual teachers, they teach that you don't make decisions. That there is no personal choice. There is nondoership and you are just along for the ride. This ephiphany is completely contrast to that. Like, I am typing this out of choice, or am I typing this because "Consciousness" (and I really do put this in quotes now because it seems to me that "Consciousness" does not exist as we call it "Consciousness") wants me to - ergo nondoership? I am fully aware of the dualities between duality (reality) and nonduality (underneath reality) yet I am not getting the nondoership either logically (mind) or experiantally.

Consciously I feel like having no friends, the dukkha caused is outweighed by the peace caused. No arguements, no drama, no trying to navigate the complex interelationship dynamics of multiple people. I have tried both and far prefer this way, yet the epiphany said this has caused suffering.

But Buddhist Noble truth #1 states life IS dukkha - life IS suffering - so how have I caused my own suffering because anything I did do in life would be suffering?

Do I even need to understand this? Maybe the ephiphany just was...and I shouldn't try to get it. Maybe the sky is just blue and we shouldn't have an explanation why the sky is blue?

Sorry for the essay. I feel compelled to write it.

[thesmileyone]

the problem with not using drugs is

THere are no answers
This is the problem of the unpsychedeliced sage.

One can only have 100% proof by experiential reality.

A path without drugs is slow. I am quite amazed I have got this far.

Thus

Does one require drugs to "unlock" some part of the brain required to reach enlightenment?

Is enlightenment even the path?

Hmm

[Monkey-man]

@thesmileyone so you are now permanently awake?

[mandyjw]

@thesmileyone

Drugs are for people who  are completely caught up in reality. They artificially destroy your resistance to things. They can only give you a glimpse at best of what reality could be like without resistance. Dropping your resistance is a practice you can only do when you are lucid. 

Drugs are also only for people who are really advanced so that you don't take chances of entering states of psychosis or extreme depression and confusion.

In my opinion drugs should only be used is cases of those who have severe PSD or similar issues. I get their value in a lot of cases but I think the drawbacks way outweigh the benefits. You put a huge block in your path when you credit a drug for letting you achieve a certain state. 

The problem with not using drugs is that you think there's a problem with not using drugs. 

 

[Forestluv]

@mandyjw Well said. I've had similar observations and experience with drugs. If a person is immature or unstable, I think the risk of drugs being counter-productive is really high. I've seen some exceptions, yet in general drugs seem to be counter-productive and can cause destabalization, dependency, escapism, chasing experiences, delusions of awakening etc. 

I also agree that they can be useful for mental conditions like PTSD. Yet I would add that the studies showing positive results included participants that had already gone through years of therapy. And the experience was in a safe environment with a trusted health-care provider and a loved one present. After the experience, there was further counseling to help integrate the lessons. This is a very different setting than someone ordering some psychedelics online and going it alone.

I also agree that when a person reaches a certain baseline level of consciousness the dynamic changes. It then becomes a powerful consciousness tool that can save a person years of practice and work. Even then, I think it takes skill to use them wisely. I think one of the keys is being able to integrate the drug-induced lessons into a sober mindset and sober living. I think that takes maturity and skill. It seems that people with a solid foundation of years of spiritual study and practice like mediation, yoga, journaling, spiritual retreats etc. have a much better chance of using the tool wisely.

[thesmileyone]

4 hours ago, Monkey-man said:

@thesmileyone so you are now permanently awake?

I have been awakened for some time but I am not enlightened or anywhere near it in my opinion, though this seems to depend on what enlightenment is; for some enlightenment is simple nondoership nonduality ie Gary Weber who claims to never have thoughts all the way through to people like Dan Ingram who claim Arahantship and therefore have freed themselves of all 10 buddhist fetters, something I highely doubt btw.

I had a huge shift yesturday, but different to most shifts where some part of "me" is chipped away and promptly replaced or uncovers something below it to replace it, this time round it got chipped away and nothing replaced it. Hard to put into words. These last few weeks I have felt somewhat lost, reading into different systems and different paths and different definitions of the usual definitions we use here. Then yesturday this shift occured and I don't feel lost anymore, nor do I really have questions either. I don't really have words for how I actually feel. I got drunk earlier, like totally hammered, just because I was bored, and didn't enjoy it, the whole time I was drunk it was like the, and I put it in speech marks again because it doesn't feel like the definition' "Consciousness" was pulsing away. I am done with drinking now, I feel like I no longer need it. The funny thing is I watched a video about how alcohol and spirituality are a no no and instead of commenting and arguing I realised I might be wrong about it...whilst I was fully drunk. So even when fully drunk I was not behaving / processing like I used to when I was 100% "me".

Maybe this is an accurate way to explain how I feel actually. I feel like "Consciousness" which has always been in the background is now further in the foreground. Does that make sense? It also feels like it tried to force it's way fully into the foreground the other day but I saw it as "ego death" and had a panic attack about it (hence my thread a few days ago) so it held back and came in a different, more subtle way. Yeah that explains it.

It feels like there is less "me" and more "Consciousness" inside my body (but also in everything outside the body) whereas before it was pretty much 50/50. It will be interesting to see how it takes shape in the long term, if it becomes more or less than "me".

The only other thing I have noticed is I have been watching older Victor Oddo videos and when i watched them before, I didn't really get them, now they feel like reinforced second nature. I guess because I have experienced what he said vs trying to learn/process it via the mind.

[Forestluv]

@thesmileyone So cool to see you digging deeper and exploring. Great stuff ??