i dont know what i am

[Applejuice]

so on my way home today I was doing neti neti and just asking myself what am I and looking i kept looking and looking and I would find something and then I would ask so who is aware of that that cant be me if im aware of it.. After taking 2cb I see the traps that I get into for example I would try to explain what i am but then after 2cb I see how thats not it( neti ) haha. everything i look for is not it. Like its gotten to the point where i know i dont know. but then even deeper than that i say i dont know thinking thats it when its not. so then what am i. and even asking the question it implies a self in the I. But ofcourse that cant be me its a word. And im percieving the word. But who is percieving? all of this thinking is a bunch of thoughts which is occouring to me.. but then where is this me? I got into the trap of talking about it and thinking about it and i get confused with believing that the thoughts or words are it but theyre not....  And saying that theyre not is another idea and not it..... Its just going round and round in circles. My thoughts are getting so tangled.... There are traps upon traps upon traps upon traps upon traps...Whats really strange is that my mind shuts up a bit when I do neti neti or just comes up with ridicoulus answers like am an interdimensional being that flies to space or saying this is stupid or I am everything or i am nothing or i dont know what i am but its all not it. This is so fucking ridicoulus haha. Idk if its possible to grasp what I am using my mind. And omggg even saying this is contradictory. Thoughts? I just dont fucking know looool can anyone relate?

Edited March 25, 2019 by Applejuice

[Mu_]

haha, Ive been down that road as well.  Perhaps you just need to be honest with yourself at this point, and admit, you dont know who or what you are, but 'something" appears to be happening.  What does that feel like to do, just admit you dont know.....

 

What got you on this quest to answer this question to begin with?  Perhaps I can help you more from there.

[tedens]

@Applejuice Try self inquiry for some time without 2cb or other drugs. All substances cause tricky perspective if you're not enough 'concious' let say..

Edited March 25, 2019 by tedens

[Leo Gura]

@Applejuice That's good. You must exhaust the mind's answers. Purge them. It would be very helpful for you to write down all your theories about what you are, no matter how ridiculous, just to purge them. Write them out, then cross them out and throw them in the trash.

Not knowing is exactly the place you want to get to. The problem is that you still have many ideas and theories about what you are. You haven't purged enough yet to truly not know.

The mind will never grasp it. It must be silenced through this purging method. Then just sit and bask in the silence, and that will be your best chance of enlightenment. It will not happen via your mind. The mind is the only obstacle to enlightenment.

A LOT of purging must happen. Way more than you'll be comfortable with. You must even purge things like your childhood memories of yourself, since they are not the True Self.

[Michael569]

@Leo Gura welcome back sir !!

[Nahm]

@Leo Gura Welcome back ♥️

[WelcometoReality]

@Applejuice Your on the right track. But I get the sense that you are "doing" the search which is a mindbased event. Instead be "still" and look without any expectations for an answer.

[Applejuice]

@Mu_ Yeah I was at the point where I admitted I dont know what i am but then thats another idea looool. you get me hahaha

[Applejuice]

@Mu_ I mean I started with lucid dreaming cos thats cool then i started meditating and then came across leos channel then I started doing neti neti. I recently got serious about it because there is existence so what do I do here whats worth pursuing?( and yes i know you cant pursue enlighetenment haha) I mean psychedelics and enlightenment are at the top imo because theyre kind of literally the ultimate thing.. And yeah friendships and relationships and chasing cheese is fun lol but it all ends so.. I see enlighetnment as priority because its the only thing that can really make me unconditionally happy. How about you?

[Applejuice]

@tedens Oh I was sober doing this well I was on modafinil cramming in information for an exam haha. But basically 2cb showed me that I get sucked into a lot of traps. And when I smoked weed It kind of put a couple more pieces into it and then doing neti neti put even more pieces into it. But at the same time there was no pieces it was more it took pieces away from the puzzle but by doing that it was putting the pieces in you feel me ?

[Highest]

You are That which is the absence of yourself. Get rid of your-self! 

[Preetom]

@Applejuice

You're doing great at self-inquiry so far as you are seeing that you are not even those subtle ques, thoughts, sensations.

As a suggestion, all I can say is that start being more grounded at a feeling level. Take self inquiry from thoughts and intellectualization(when it goes to that realm), and bring it at tangible body-feeling level. 

One of the root illusion of being a separate self inside a body, that's not a thought we repeat like a mantra. That is actually a visceral feeling of being inside a body which is generally around the sensations in the chest, head and other parts. We take that solid feeling in the chest and almost always translate that sensation as 'I'. It's so primal and habitual that questioning that seems like being stupid enough to question common sense like 2+2=4.

But in self inquiry, that's exactly what we need to investigate. Trace the I-feelings in the body. That I feeling is always there, attached to a gross or subtle sensation or with a cluster of sensations. 

This feeling of being inside a body is so irrational, so obvious and primal that mere thought arguments won't cut it. We need to honestly, courageously look at those I-feelings, over and over again, slowly, carefully, millions of times if necessary until that illusion pops once and for all. It literally is de-hypnotizing a primal brainwashing of decades. So it's gonna take at least a few years to see some light.

This is really a grueling process. It feels like drowning oneself into water and voluntarily torture oneself. But patience is the key. Over time, 'you' will muster more and more capacity to withstand bullshit thrown by the mind and keep looking without flickering. The looking part and continuously being with yourself through all the mood swings, judgement and clever rationalizations is the key here.

All the best.

Keep that inner awareness of I-feeling continuously.

And also keep noticing that you are not what you perceive (which you are already doing great so far)

[tedens]

@Applejuice

I think you should raise spiritual knowledge generally first.

[Applejuice]

@Preetom Wow what you just said is priceless... Thank you.

[Applejuice]

@tedens What would you say I dont know? I thought I know a lot about it

[Preetom]

15 minutes ago, Applejuice said:

@Preetom Wow what you just said is priceless... Thank you.

You're welcome. Remember, this investigation is worth it. Remind yourself this over and over again against the mind's stubbornness.

2 minutes ago, Applejuice said:

@tedens What would you say I dont know? I thought I know a lot about it

If you have honestly accepted the hypothesis that you are not what you've always thought yourself to be or anything you perceive; and if you feel a genuine curiosity to look and discover yourself experientially, then please don't waste anymore time reading scriptures and texts in order to gather more spiritual 'knowledge' and models.

The whole purpose of studying spiritual texts to be ignite these 2 things

1) Discrimination (knowing that you are not what you perceive. Taking that as hypothesis for your testing)

2) A genuine willingness to start looking for yourself as you are convinced why this work is important.

If this is the case, then you need no more spiritual knowledge. All those will be more 'perceived' stuff which you are not. 

The only valuable contribution spiritual texts can provide at this stage is to motivate you to keep looking. So daily 15-30 minutes of re-reading your most favorite spiritual texts or rewatching a favorite video is a good strategy to remind yourself how things work in this investigation and strengthen your conviction. 

[Mu_]

4 hours ago, Applejuice said:

@Mu_ Yeah I was at the point where I admitted I dont know what i am but then thats another idea looool. you get me hahaha

I get you, but to really not know, is just what it is, its not an idea.  Unless you've seen through this, into the realization that You are IT (but even still there is a great deal of not knowing that is inherent in life), but this doesn't sound like the case. 

 

4 hours ago, Applejuice said:

@Mu_ I mean I started with lucid dreaming cos thats cool then i started meditating and then came across leos channel then I started doing neti neti. I recently got serious about it because there is existence so what do I do here whats worth pursuing?( and yes i know you cant pursue enlighetenment haha) I mean psychedelics and enlightenment are at the top imo because theyre kind of literally the ultimate thing.. And yeah friendships and relationships and chasing cheese is fun lol but it all ends so.. I see enlighetnment as priority because its the only thing that can really make me unconditionally happy. How about you?

Thats great, you sound like you've been inquiring and trying your best to find the truth.  Me?  I was on the path for 18+ years and since waking up I've been offering my help for free on the subject for others to find themselves.  I think this one may be of interest to you.

 

 

[SriBhagwanYogi]

Keep up just dont ask Who am I who am I like mantra 

 

[Applejuice]

@SriBhagwanYogi Yeah as soon as it becomes a mantra I change it to whos experiencing or whats constant.