Self sabotaging

[Paan]

After a year of practicing Kriya Yoga and meditation somehing really came up to the surface, i self sabotage my relationship. Espesially my relationship with my GF. 

Its like when its all good i need to make it worse. Its like i dont want to be loved, by anyone..

i recently had my birthday and i dont want anyone around celebrating me, i just dont feel like it and ive never felt like it before either.

But i can feel alot of sadness and loneliness that it is like this...and i dont know what to do about it. Also alot of anger and frustration is there to

 

[Alex]

This pattern in you life could be induced my numerous things. You have to investigate it by yourself in order to find out what caused it to apear.

Sometimes things that happen very early in out childhood/infancy can leave an long imprint on us which is very hard to get rid of.

- This video helped me uncover some of my past neurosis. This could be a good start for you, there is also an workshed attached that can help you further investigate what caused you to adappt this pathern.

[B_Naz]

Acknowledge all of those feelings, and soak it all up. Eventually, it will burn out; through awareness.

[inFlow]

Actualy you werent aware of your desire to do the sabotage (which, when you think about it deeply, you were conscious). Also all of this was created, think why and how are you responsible for this. Also I could say that all of that is just an illusion which also you will definately encounter in the future, but I think these kind of answers wont help you.

My tip is just look how are you creating all of this.

[Paan]

@Alex thank you for the video tip! Ull check that out

[tedens]

Did you saw Leos video called Dark side of meditation?

[Paan]

@tedens yes ive seen that vid

[tedens]

Do you do breaks in practice?

[Sadhak_David]

On 3/24/2019 at 5:03 PM, Paan said:

After a year of practicing Kriya Yoga and meditation somehing really came up to the surface, i self sabotage my relationship. Espesially my relationship with my GF. 

Its like when its all good i need to make it worse. Its like i dont want to be loved, by anyone..

i recently had my birthday and i dont want anyone around celebrating me, i just dont feel like it and ive never felt like it before either.

But i can feel alot of sadness and loneliness that it is like this...and i dont know what to do about it. Also alot of anger and frustration is there to

 

I know people hate me for saying this probably, but I am going to say it hoping there might be a chance of benefit to you Paan. All these self yoga preachers, look at them, 8 years back, 4 years back , 2 years back and now... look at their eye brows, look at their bodies ... are they drinking soma? are their grey hairs turning black ? are they exuding clarity ?

I told you before, you are losing Ojas .. lack energy and have some physio~psysho~biological loop that is regularly draining your vitality.

It 'might' - just 'might- help you to not look for advice from unsuccessful unproven sources and internet noise, and take solace .. may be listen to your body, nerves, breath .. forget achieving instead put your mind behind healing & peace. I hope you don't end up like so many with unbalanced centres, who put up a good face on the outside world, but have a hell of a private life with all sorts of problems.

needs a teacher, can you get frauded ? is there a chance ? sure yes- but still that's better to look in more real - more physical - world around you with all your senses and life more fully involved in the process... - you bring about the teacher, based on your 'sanchita karma' and if there is more un~success left. In lack of teacher, please take 'real everyday ' life as your teacher. your parents, girlfriends they are all imminent god's who care about you more then any of these internet avatars will ever do .. start with gratitude .. and forget yoga.. and in gratitude, some part of your body will dance... there will be sensations... and that will be a very good place to start

 

Look at all these people in here ... show me one success story ... and for lord sakes, dont buy their "Oh we don't show of siddhis" line .. they don't show of because they don't have it. yogananda showed in death, haidakhan showed in life, there are many saints who dawned the successful results of their efforts... but i have to tell you, in my own personal experience more then 10 to 15 people - and almost all of them have been misguided through books, videos, internet chatter etc ... at the very beginning it starts with a strange sense of "feeling entitled" .. as if it is prevalent flavour of this time and age... for some reason,  young paduwans today feel they deserve everything and they are entitled...

nyways .. you might be pissed of at my rants, but its a brothers rant ..

be well... listen a simple, loving life that recognizes the gifts of life right in front of you every day - is any day better yoga- then misguided practices.  and regarding the dark side of yoga- in above video and  content on similar lines on many other books and places- its all misguided undeserving karma brought imbalances.

If one properly balances various centres, then the wisdom always leads the increase in various energies ...please take care of yourself, and dont loose the precious gifts of family and love in life  . May the existence bless you . I wish you well.