I went to a bad depressive phase that lasted for about 3-4 months. All I wanted was to stay in bed, eat, browse the internet, and sleep. I didn’t want to see my friends, nor interact with others. I have had social anxiety since I was 11. During that phase, I was fearful of others seeing that I wasn’t happy. I also gained weight during that period because I was binge eating a lot.   The only thing that made me get out of my house was going to soccer games. For some reason, I’d feel alive when I was there. Totally grounded in the present moment. It was like a defibrillator. But my “aliveness” would only last for maximum 3 days.   I already went to a psychitriast in the past. Long story short, I didn't adapt at all to the medication. Then one day, I simply quit. And I started to go to ayahuasca ceremonies as an attempt to heal myself. In the beginning, I felt great. But eventually I had a maniac and psychotic crisis during a ritual. Now, I don't take ayahuasca anymore.   Nowadays, the only indigenous medicine I use is rapé. It’s made out of tobacco and tree barks. It’s really effective for anxiety. It grounds me. Even though it's psychoactive, I think it's safe.                Thanks to a great friend of mine, I started to go to a psychiatrist. I have started to take medication (antidepressant) three months ago. And I feel much better. In the beginning of the treatment, I wasn’t able to be authentic with the psychiatrist, because I thought he would judge me. But now, I feel comfortable sharing how I am truly feeling. With medication, I feel well most of the time. That being said, I still have some emotional relapses. I have experienced two main side effects: the first one was anorgasmia (not being able to achieve orgasm and ejaculation). Fortunately, this only happened in the first month of the medication. The other one is bruxism (grinding my teeth). This makes my jaw tired and can cause problems in the future (e.g., headaches). I think I already had that in the past, but with the medication it has intensified. I went to a dentist and I am now using a mouth guard when I am sleeping to alleviate the problems caused by the grinding. Unfortunately, this also happens during the day...   I started today an extra medication today (also antidepressant) so that I don’t have relapses anymore. Using only one medication, I feel well for like 6 days, then 1 day I feel shitty. I also have to stay alert to see if I go to the polar opposite and start to feel euphoric. If that happens, it probably means I have bipolar type 2. So I will probably have to use lithium...    That said, I tend to put myself under a microscope:   Anyway, I hope I adapt to this new medication. One side effect I have already started to feel is nausea. But my doctor said this will likely stop. During this year, I started to make some money. It’s a very rewarding feeling to do something I like and also get paid for it.   Things I want to achieve: - Get back to teaching - Get in shape  - Start doing psychotherapy - Fix my sleeping schedule    In this journal, I will post: > how I am feeling > if I am progressing or not in life > venting and random thoughts I might also post quotes, videos, and songs. This will not be a predominantly doom and gloom journal. It might happen sometimes though. And I will also be careful to not overshare stuff.     Feel free to post comments here and PM me, but please do not say things like “medication is evil, dude”     Thanks for reading!