Keeping Track of My Depression

[kag101]

3rd August, 3:44 AM 

Depression Gone, Simple Yet Powerful Insight, and New Routine 

So crazy how depression comes out of nowhere, and how it goes away out of nowhere.

But anyway, I read on a book that no illness comes without giving a message. I have been getting many insights from dealing with my depression.

I got a very powerful one today (despite its simplicity): The Power of Having a Simple Routine

 

 

Quote

KAG101'S BASIC ROUTINE

Try to do the following things around the same time everyday

1- Take shower after waking up 

2- Take 3 small walks outside everyday (morning, afternoon, and evening) 

3- Have 3 meals with nutritious (but also tasty) food 

 

I also got an insight about my tendency to completely stop replying to my friends' messages when depression hits me. I am very perfectionist about my social skills. I proud myself for being an easy-going guy who has a good sense of humor.

Therefore, in a depressive episode, I get very ashamed of being judged as being "too quiet", "distant", "weird etc. But you know what?

My real friends don't fucking care about this. They like me regardless of what I do, of how many words I use, or how i text them back.

So when I am depressed, I will try to reply to messages in a basic and simple way.

 

Reminder: Something is better than nothing.  

[zeroISinfinity]

Sorry for that. 

 

Have you tried body scans? How you Feel after them. Did they helped? 

[kag101]

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Sorry for that. 

No worries. I was a little bit to rude, so sorry for that as well... 

 

8 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Have you tried body scans? How you Feel after them. Did they helped? 

Not really. But I will try it out.

[kag101]

August 2nd, 1:21 PM 

 

Today I started my new "BASIC ROUTINE", which is: 

 

9 hours ago, kag101 said:

KAG101'S BASIC ROUTINE

Try to do the following things around the same time everyday

1- Take shower after waking up 

2- Take 3 small walks outside everyday (morning, afternoon, and evening) 

3- Have 3 meals with nutritious (but also tasty) food 

 

Btw - I will try to find an app on routines. 

 

 

IMPORTANT STUFF: 

 

>> Because I have just got out of a pretty bad depressive episode (8/10), I am feeling a little bit euphoric. I am paying attention to see if I am getting too neurotic or hyperactive. I know this is a VERY common trap. 

 

>> I slept for about 6 hours.

>> I woke up at about 10 AM (which is the "limit" of how late I want to wake up.) 

 

>> As soon as I woke up, I had some vestiges of the depressive episode, but it didn't have a grip on me.

It was as if it were a dry leaf. It didn't make sense anymore, so I was able to let those thought patterns go pretty easily. And start trying out my new BASIC ROUTINE. 

Warning: Just because I am feeling matter that DOES NOT mean I can stop taking my medications. This is another VERY common trap.

(Lol) 

 

>> After I got up, I took a shower, did my bed, and took a small walk outside. 

Spending time outside is really good for improving one's mood. It doesn't have to be long. Ten minutes is enough. A walk around the block. That's enough for me. 

(I just hope to be a little bit more mindful that this dude, lol) 

 

>> Here at my house, we're having a guest. When I was in the depressive episode, I was freaking out because of that. I usually get Social Anxiety when I am depressed. But anyway, now it seems very clear how to interact with this guest. I don't have to be super talkative. And, really, if I am on a bad day, a simple "Hello" is enough. I am not here to entertain her... 

 

>> I am feeling positive. Not in a forced way. I am just naturally optimistic and confident. 

 

Edited August 3, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Products I want to write reviews on: 

1) App: MoodTools (5/5)

>> GREAT for keeping track of my mood

>> Very nice features on CBT

>> This is a great tool for you to become your own psychotherapist (of course it doesn't substitute a real licensed professional)

 

2) Book: "An Unquiet Mind"  (5/5)

>I f you have been reading this journal for some time, you probably have heard me talking about it.

>> Written by one of the highest authorities on bipolar (formerly known as Manic-depression).

>> Author is a Professor of Psychiatry at John Hopkins. Her name is Kay Redfield Jamison. She herself has bipolar. Here's a excerpt of her talking: 

 

3) Book: The Success Principles for Teens, by Jack Canfield and Kent Healey (4/5) 

>> The Bible of stage orange SD 

>> Lots of real-life examples

>> Very easy to read 

>> Careful to not get neurotic about reaching results, and become an obsessive overachiever. 

[kag101]

August 8th, 12:41 AM 

I have been depressed the past days. Lots of fear, rumination, and isolation. A lot of "should" statements. I should wake up earlier. I shouldn't try this. I should, idk, it's very tiresome to reduce my self to a whole bunch of things that were supposed to happen. 

Today I talked with a different psychiatrist. This guy is very alternative. He has used Ayahuasca for more than 35 years, and he lives in the amazon.

The consultation was pretty good. Thing is, the guy told me a lot of pseudoscience type of things. I am really grateful that I have good critical thinking skills. It is like a vaccine to BS. He suggested me to do an exam called pharmacogenetics. Basically, it determines which medication will work based on my genes. I did some research on this, and it has very poor evidence. 

Anyway, it is always good to try and articulate my life story, particularly with someone who has a lot of experience in the Path. My idea is to keep going to the psychiatrist I am already going. And maybe every month or two, go see a new psychiatrist. It's a very good exercise to tell my story, and to also hear someone else's feedback. 

I often underestimate the power of simply talking with people. Talking can be really transformative! 

Tomorrow I have my psychologist. I am looking forward to it. 

[kag101]

August 8th, 9:58 PM 

This uncertainty

Will it ever leave me alone? 

I know that I know how to live life

Organically, instinctively, naturally. 

Not in this robotic way. Always caught up in thoughts. 

Fears. 

Catastrophes. 

You say, "Be lighter. Have some fun!"

Then, here I am, serious about not being serious. 

Am I doomed? 

(sigh)

[kag101]

August 11th, 9:37 PM 

 

Disregarding Anxiety

I think I have focused so much on depression and bipolar that I ended up not emphasizing to my psychiatrist that I have a lot of anxiety.

And the thing is, I don't even notice it.

I questioned myself today if my depression stems from anxiety. That is, I am so hyperactive inside that my mind gets tired quickly. And therefore, I have no more energy. 

 

SOS Pill

Today I had a social gathering. I was very anxious to go there. Then, I decided to take an extra pill of my medication. My doctor said this is an SOS type of pill.

He said it doesn't really act on anxiety, but instead has a hypnotic effect. Well, I have no problem with getting a little sedated so that my anxiety doesn't corrode me. 

 

Anxiety Went Away (Placebo?) 

I guess it worked.

In the beginning of the social gathering, I was quiet, apathetic, and feeling empty inside. Then, as time passed, I naturally started to focus on the conversation. I didn't have to force it. It happened naturally.

Social Anxiety = I judge every thought as being dumb, and train of thought is far too slow.

Normal = I don't speak a lot, but when I do, I have something good to say. 

 

Plan

>> I guess the extra pill I took today worked with lowering my anxiety.

>> I will experiment with taking  1-3 of those SOS pills daily.

>> Even though my doctor said this medication isn't really for anxiety, I do think it helps.

>> I am feeling quite positive, but I hope I don't get too neurotic about meds.

>> My next consultation with my psychiatrist will be in 10 days.  

[kag101]

August 15th, 11:18 

I didn't want to go to therapy today. I thought it would be pointless. But it was very productive. I got some interesting insights from my childhood. And I also decided that I want to go back to taking keyboard classes. 

I'm feeling optimistic

[kag101]

August 16th, 7:31 PM 

The keyboard class yesterday really got me inspired!

I am still in a relatively good mood. Tbh, I fear I will start to feel empty again. I have been also been kinda worried that in the rehearsals I will be all stiff and insecure. Well, the good thing about keyboard in most songs is that sometimes it's barely noticeable. And you know what? I can do the basics. I don't have to talk a lot. And I think that the rehearsal itself will be a therapy. So as I play it, I will loosen up. 

But anyway, I think it is natural that I feel anxious and worried about depression. I have felt pretty bad in the last year. But I do have high hopes that playing the keyboards with a band will help me recharge my energy. It doesn't have to be stressful. In fact, it is a pretty chill place. The people are very laid-back and friendly. The owner of the school looks like Jack Black, lol (Not as funny though). 

I think I am not accustomed to feeling good. It's actually kind of strange to feel as if it is possible to be happy on a consistent basis. And have passion. There's this video on energy by Leo, in which he talks that most people have low energy, because they do not have inspiring activities that require energy. 

Anyway, I admit that I am somewhat afraid of falling on my ass again. Getting depressed or highly irritable... 

PS: I was going to do a children's play at the end of the year. But I have decided to not do it. I will have to tell them soon. I hope I do that today. 

Oh, and an idea I had for practicing the piano is like: twice a day for 15-25 minutes per session. I fear getting neurotic about this. But you know what? I am neurotic about not being neurotic...

I will see how this following week goes... 

\<o>/

[kag101]

August 19th, 8:40 PM 

Stable... At last...? 

By now, the new medication has started to work. It's been 19 days. And I have been feeling stable for 3-4 days.  

With depression, everything seems so hard, long, and complicated. And a lot of things in life are actually pretty simple.

For the past few days, I have been feeling quite okay. I don't have that overwhelming fear. Or feeling like hiding from the world. Today, for example, was a pretty lazy and unproductive day. But it wasn't depressive. I was laughing, eating normally, and socializing without much problem. And that is certainly not the case with depression.

In a way, it's good to have this contrast of depression vs absence of depression. This way, I can know when this illness is present or not. I have experienced a wide range of moods. From cloud nine to hell. So I can tell when I am not in a healthy state of mind. 

I have been feeling good for only a few days, so naturally there's a fear of backsliding. I fear that what I am feeling is nothing but a temporary relief. That depression will sooner or later come back even uglier to bite me in the ass. That I will have to cancel all my appointments. That I will start to feel a lot of Social Anxiety once again... 

This is a natural fear, because that has happened before many times. As of now, I am a little bit afraid of starting new things, because I don't want to quit halfway through. After all, It is too soon to "celebrate victory". That being said, I am pretty optimistic. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. 

[kag101]

 

This is a great talk about sigma on mental illnesses. Here are some excerpts that I liked: 

 

Quote

"What is not seen is all the people who have been successfully treated, who show up for work, compete, who succeed, and who live good lives."

 

Quote

"There's another group which contributes, albeit unwittingly, to the stigma, and that's a group I like to think of as the silently successful. These are people who get well, because they've had good clinical care, but who are afraid to speak out about their mental illnesses for fear of personal or professional reprisals. This is completely understandable, but it is unfortunate, for it perpetuates the misperception that people with mental illness do not get well."

 

Quote

"As a result, what remains in the public eye is the great mass of untreated people, or inadequately treated mental illness..."

 

It's so weird to think that deep down I myself have hard time "believing" in mental illness and that medication will work.

A lot of self-help people believe that you'll get better if you set more goals, have a clear life purpose, do some affirmations, and do some psychedelics. Or, IDK, meditate a lot. Do a lot of self-inquiry. I have certainly tried that route, and it didn't work at all. In fact, it made matters worse. 

Who would have known that the path for healing would be the traditional one. Psychoanalyst + Psychiatrist.

That being said, I do not claim that I have beaten depression, yet. This is a realistic expectation. 

[kag101]

August 22nd, 7:27 PM 

 

On 19/08/2019 at 9:09 PM, kag101 said:

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. 

The consultation was pretty shitty. I felt like I was in a coaching session. The psychiatrist asked things like:

- What do you want?

- What are you doing to get what you want?

 

I told him that I wanted to quit acting classes. Then, he asked:

- Tell me one specific and straight-forward reason for that.

Seriously, fuck off... I don't want to answer these types of questions. I want to feel emotionally stable... I don't want to fucking set goals  

 

Interesting to note that I wrote about how I hate these kinds of things the day before: 

On 19/08/2019 at 9:19 PM, kag101 said:

A lot of self-help people believe that you'll get better if you set more goals, have a clear life purpose, do some affirmations, and do some psychedelics. Or, IDK, meditate a lot. Do a lot of self-inquiry. I have certainly tried that route, and it didn't work at all. In fact, it made matters worse. 

 

 

Side Note: I found a very good book called "I Am Not Sick. I Don't Need Help". The author is a psychologist of Columbia University. His brother had schizophrenia. For seven-fucking-years, he was trying to convince his brother to treat himself using logic. But it didn't work at all. It's like a dog: the more you push it, the more it pushes you back. 

Then, he took a different approach. A more compassionate and empathetic one. He stopped telling his brother what he needed to do, and instead tried to truly understand him. This was how his brother accepted to treat himself. Here's the Ted Talk. Very good: 

 

My Opinion On My Psychiatrist

I don't really like him. He is very fake. He has an inauthentic tone of voice. He shakes hands extremely firmly (I think that's to give the impression of confidence). And he doesn't understand much about Social Anxiety, which I believe is my real problem. I have focused so much on depression and bipolar that I forgot about SAD. 

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

On 19/08/2019 at 9:09 PM, kag101 said:

For the past few days, I have been feeling quite okay.

Well, that didn't last long. I was very depressed for the last 2 days.

I had a psychotherapy session today, and it was very good as usual. Now I feel good. She is truly empathetic. And she is very good at making me slow down and focus on fewer things but on a deeper level.

 

With her help, I decided to:

1) Quit the acting classes. 

I feel very relieved to have quit the theater thing. This was giving me a lot of antecipatory anxiety, and I was procrastinating to tell them I was going to quit. 

 

2) Take keyboard classes.

I think the keyboard classes are something positive to include in my routine.

It is not extremely hard, instead it is something cool, engaging, and stimulating. And the teacher is great and easy-going.

 

Other insights: 

1) Try to recognize my authentic self, which is underneath all the layers of conditioning. 

2) I have a natural talent for researching. 

 

On 19/08/2019 at 9:19 PM, kag101 said:

That being said, I do not claim that I have beaten depression, yet. This is a realistic expectation. 

Can I feel depressed, anxious, etc. in the upcoming days? Yes. But at least now I have less pressure. 

I will experiment the classes for a month. Then, afterwards, I will think about what I will do. I think I have a good strategy. 

Edited August 22, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Wednesday, August 28, 7:00 PM

I was pretty depressed for a week. I have also been sleeping a lot, but at least I'm waking up in a decent time (around 10 AM). 

Today, though, I woke up with no depression. I was a little bit lazy, but I managed to do things. The new dosage of my medication has probably started to kick in. That being said, I am very cautious about thinking that "now my life will be depression-free". 

I've found a psychiatrist through the internet. She seems to be really good. I have scheduled a session with her for the end of this week. But I think I will put it off. My current psychiatrist is decent, and like it or not I have to wait for the medication to kick in. 

Depression is just... scary. A good analogy for it is like being unable to see colors. Everything is B/W. And when I am in that state, it seems as if I've always been depressed and always will be. 

Tomorrow I have a psychotherapy session. I really like my therapist. She's very empathetic and is a great listener. I always leave the session feeling better than when I got it, and with at least one powerful insight. Tomorrow I will talk with her about going or not going to this new psychiatrist. 

My grandma has come to my house so that she can treat her cancer. Apart from that, she is also clearly depressed. It is really sad to see how the end of her life has been. My mom is taking care of her. My mom is suffering a lot with that. Anyway, at least, I have been able to help once in a while.

[kag101]

Tuesday, September 2nd, 12:28 AM

I really need to change my psychiatrist. I am wasting my time with him. Both my dad and my psychologist are insisting that I keep going to him. I had a break from my depression and anxiety today, and it became clear to me that this makes no sense. 

This doctor makes me feel bad. I never have any "a-ha" moments with him. Why would I insist with someone who is not working? I have been going to him for 3 months, and that's enough. 

My strategy would be going to a new psychiatrist every week until I find "the one". I think that would work. I feel like I have already found a psychologist who "fits" me. And now it is time to find the right doctor (and consequently the medication). 

[kag101]

Dear Gosh... I tried to read this journal, and boy oh boy did I write a lot. Reading what I wrote and editing is important to just leave only what is truly important. I am considering opening up a new journal on here. 

For the past month, I started a private journal. It's been really good. There are some very cringey stuff that I wrote here that would be better off in a private journal. 

Last Monday, I turned 23. 

I still haven't found a new psychiatrist. 

I started taking keyboard classes, but I got demotivated to do so. 

I want to see the "new" Tarantino movie. 

 

[kag101]

OLD POST THAT WAS SAVED HERE

August 28th (Wednesday), 7:00 PM

I was pretty depressed for a week. I have also been sleeping a lot, but at least I'm waking up in a decent time (around 10 AM). 

Today, though, I woke up with no depression. I was a little bit lazy, but I managed to do things. The new dosage of my medication has probably started to kick in. That being said, I am very cautious about thinking that "now my life will be depression-free". 

I've found a psychiatrist through the internet. She seems to be really good. I have scheduled a session with her for the end of this week. But I think I will put it off. My current psychiatrist is decent, and like it or not I have to wait for the medication to kick in. 

Depression is just... scary. A good analogy for it is like being unable to see colors. Everything is B/W. And when I am in that state, it seems as if I've always been depressed and always will be. 

Tomorrow I have a psychotherapy session. I really like my therapist. She's very empathetic and is a great listener. I always leave the session feeling better than when I got it, and with at least one powerful insight. Tomorrow I will talk with her about going or not going to this new psychiatrist. 

My grandma has come to my house so that she can treat her cancer. Apart from that, she is also clearly depressed. It is really sad to see how the end of her life has been. My mom is taking care of her. My mom is suffering a lot with that. Anyway, at least, I have been able to help once in a while.