Keeping Track of My Depression

[kag101]

HOW THE CONSULTATION WENT

I was feeling very confused and tensed up while I was there. I had this pervasive fear of being judged as a “whiner”, "weak", etc. However, my psychiatrist was very patient, open, and nice with me. We decided to increase the dosage of my current medication, and we’ll see how I feel until the end of the month.  

FUCK MY PSYCHOLOGIST. I WILL NAP IF I WANT TO!  

Then, I went home and took a nap. My psychologist told me I should avoid napping, but to be honest I am glad I did it. I feel refreshed. And it’s one thing to “nap” for 4 hours (like I used to do) and nap for 90 minutes. 

TENSED OR IN PAIN? PAINKILLER IT IS!

I woke up like 10 minutes ago. I feel very tensed in my shoulders and neck. But that's something a painkiller can take care of.  I definitely feel calmer.

MY EXACT NEW DOSAGE + SOS PILLS 

A important thing you guys need to know: my fixed dosage is now 500 mg daily, and I can take up to 4 pills of 25 mg throughout the day in case I feel bad. It's an SOS type of thing.

SOMETHING MY PSYCHIATRIST SAID I DIDN'T AGREE 

The doctor said that the antidepressant and anti-psychotic properties of this medication take a few days to kick in. I am not sure I fully agree with this. I have had moments where I was depressed or too agitated, and taking it helped me calm down. He said in this case it is only a hypnotic effect. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE EXTRA PILLS (SOS)

For the rest of the month, I will take the increased dosage, and at least for the next week, plan to take the 4 extra pills everyday. I do not think I will have the discipline to do that for a long time, but I think in the short run, it is something important.  

Those extra pills often have a “placebo” benefit. I convince myself to do something by telling myself: “Ok, I will go there, and as soon as I am there, I will take one pill.” He said that I should drop the idea that this medication will make more energized. He said that my “volition” was low, which is basically my will-power, but I didn’t agree with that. Today, specifically, I was feeling lazy and unmotivated, but that’s not my baseline.  

INTUITIVE HIT 

As soon as I got home, I made a phone wallpaper written “TRUST YOURSELF”; It is very easy to let the opinions of psychologists or psychiatrists be more important than my own. In moments of emotional vulnerability, we often belittle ourselves. But following my intuition (despite what others were saying) was really important to have many blessings in my life, such as meeting two of my closest friends. 

MY PSYCHOLOGIST'S ADVICE ARE USELESS 

Another thing my psychologist recommended me that I will not folow is to avoid seeing “dark” stuff. I have been reading a book about bipolar disorder called "An Unquiet Mind", and i was really excited by it, but then I thought it would be better to stop reading it. I mean, what is the problem with that?

If what I am naturally leaning to is “darker” stuff, then what is the problem? Should I only do butterfly-and-rainbows kind of thing? Sure, I don’t think I should overindulge in negative things, but this book, for example, is a biography of one of the highest authorities on maniac-depressive illness (aka bipolar disorder). It can be a huge inspiration to me! 

STOP PANICKING OVER LITTLE STUFF. 

No problem is unsolvable. I often think things are worse than they actually are. I demand perfection in my life, so whenever something slightly bad is happening, I panic; I think it is the end of the world.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Reminder to myself: It is okay if I take painkillers for a while. It is okay if I take a slightly higher dosage of my medication. The real thing I should worry about is repressing my thoughts and emotions, and being "a good boy" all the time. Because when i do that, things come back stronger and uglier. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 

Edited July 16, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

MEDICATION SCHEDULE & STRATEGY:

(for possibly the rest of the month) 

 

1) 8-10 AM

Wake up and take 200 mg of the prolonged liberation pills

2) 12-1 PM

25 mg immediate liberation 

3) 3-4 PM

25 mg immediate liberation 

4) 4-6 PM 

25 mg immediate liberation 

5) 8 - 9 PM

25 mg immediate liberation 

6) 10-11 PM  

300 mg immediate liberation 

 

Total:

500 mg 

 

OTHER GUIDELINES:

> As soon as I get up, I will set the alarms on my phone for when I will take the pills.

> Take from 1-3 times of the painkiller I like to use.

> Nap, if I feel like it, from 20-90 minutes. 

> Stop by myself and gradually with the pregabalin (which is a medication that doesn't do shit to me) 

 

COMMENTARY: 

That’s a way more realistic strategy. I am in a moment of slowing down and have smaller expectations on myself, and taking maybe a higher dosage than the "ideal". 

My next consultation with the psychiatrist will be on the 31st. Until then, I think this strategy will allow me to feel stable. 

 

PS: I think I will print this and put it on my room's wall. 

[kag101]

June 17th, 11:26

>> I feel very stable, conscious, alert.

>> Mindfulness is not something I can train for; it is a natural feature of the sentient consciousness.

>> Because humans have a very complex brain, thoughts can become a problem. We think so much, we forget that the mind is an instrument. If we don't control the mind, the mind controls us. 

>> I feel very intuitive. I am starting to appreciate my hits of intuition.

>> Life seems to be flowing, finally. No need to do crazy-ass spiritual practices, or read books on deep topics.

>> Enlightenment = trauma healed << 

>> Life itself is Heaven or Hell, depending on the state of consciousness. 

>> Shadow work is fundamental.

>> Having a good therapist is fundamental. If you are trying to do shadow work alone, you're almost guaranteed to fall on your ass, or go to deep into the rabbit hole.

Quote

 

Jeremiah 17:5 New International Version (NIV)

5 This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
    who draws strength from mere flesh
    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.  

 

>> I have written down all the times I will take my medication. This is very helpful to go through the day without panicking. 

[kag101]

July 18th, 6:33 PM

 

BAD SLEEP

Today I slept very badly. I woke up in a very bad mood.

But it was very different than how I feel when I am depressed. Deep down, I knew that if I took a nap, I would wake up feeling better. That doesn’t happen with depression. No matter how many hours I sleep, the unpleasant feelings are still there. 

 

POWERFUL NAP

I took a 90-minute nap, and it felt really refreshing.

That showed me how fragile being a human is. If I stop being able to sleep, or poop, or breathing; my well-being disappears. But in a way, it is a relief to have an external cause for my unhappiness.

There’s nothing worse than feeling shitty as fuck while everything in the external world is fine. 

 

DEPRESSION, AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS

I have dealt for too long with an invisible illness that makes things very hard to do, and not only that, I also dealt with the prejudice of others.

For a very long time, I thought I was a lazy spoiled person. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It was a daily battle against the biochemistry of my brain.

No pleasure.

I wasn’t living; I was surviving. And I am so grateful for myself for being able to handle The Dark Night of The Soul for more than a decade! This is just unimaginable for most people. 

 

DEEP HEALING, DEEP PATIENCE

I am going through a deep healing phase. The divorce of my parents was an atomic bomb. It was a very deep emotional trauma. And I survived it!

I may not yet see the world as a friendly and safe place for now, but I know that sooner or later, I will be living in Heaven on Earth. Not that everyday will be filled with joy. But I know that I will be in my natural state.  

Spiritual Enlightenment Is Our Natural State 

 

THE PAST REVERBERATES IN THE PRESENT

I still feel lonely at times. I still panic and think i will break down. There is this pervasive fear that I will go downhill, and that I will have to cancel all of my projects.

I was having some anxiety over the children’s play I will do at the end of the year. But this anxiety passed.

 

SIMPLER WAY TO TAKE MEDICATION

It is so easy to underestimate taking my medication correctly. Nothing can help me more than this habit. 

1) Take 4 pills of 50 mg when I wake up. (200 mg)

2) Take 2 pills of 25 mg in the morning. (50 mg) 

3) Take 2 pills of 25 mg in the afternoon. (50 mg)

4) Take 4 pills of 100 in the evening (400 mg) 

Total: 600 mg per day

I think that's the way to be in a stable humor.

 

PLAN FOR THE REST OF THE DAY

I will do some meditation. Be very kind to myself today. And try to have a good time.

Tomorrow is a new day! And I am closer and closer to my natural self.

 

 

[kag101]

July 21st, 1:55 PM 

 

STABILITY

I have been feeling quite stable lately. This is a huge blessing.

I don’t ever want to have a depressive or euphoric episode again. And if I do have it, I know I have to take quick action (calling my psychiatrist, for example). I have gone through too much suffering already. Over the past 12 years, I have lived on and off in hell. That’s more than enough. I don’t need that anymore. 

 

THANK GOD THE MEDICATION IS WORKING

I am very grateful that Seroquel XRO is working well for me. And I honestly don’t feel any side effect. I have been gaining weight, but that was already happening prior to me taking it. In fact, what really makes me gain weight is binging, which happens a lot when depression is present. So I cannot say the medication caused that. In fact, it has helped me control my cravings. 

 

I WISH THINGS HAD BEEN DIFFERENT 

I wish I had started the treatment sooner back when I was 11, which was when I went to my first psychologist. I have had 10-12 of them, and because they were so shitty, it was like fighting a war in the dark.

 

HAVING LIVED IN HELL HAS ITS BENEFITS

But that’s okay. If things had been easier in my life, I wouldn’t be so “wise” and empathetic. In my war against depression, I lost most of my teenage years; I gained weight; and I have a receding hairline (which was very likely caused by my emotional turmoil). But it is nothing big. I still had fun moments in my teenage years; I can go back to my "body’s natural shape”; and I still have hair. 

 

NO MORE DEPRESSION

That being said, I CANNOT afford being depressed any longer. It is just a too high of a price to pay. Not only for the physical aspect, but also the emotional one. I can’t tolerate feeling shitty anymore. It's too painful and too self-destructive. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I am also not the worse also.

I have gifts, and I want a life of wellness and prosperity. In a way, I feel like the world needs me. I am unique. I have gone through tough times, and I love human psychology. So I can help tons of people. 

 

>> I can be the psychologist I wished for when I was 11 <<   

 

NO DEPRESSION = NO PROBLEMS

I think I have written about this already, but lately I feel like anything is manageable, doable. Being in various depressive episodes throughout the last decade, I now have a very strong resilience and tolerance to emotional discomfort. Nothing in the outside world can intimidate as much as how I used to feel internally (in silence).

 

WHY I WOULD NEVER OPEN UP

I would not tell about how I was feeling to people, because I thought it was too deep, and that they wouldn’t understand. Not only this, people love giving unsolicited advice. And that was the last thing I needed. 

 

STIFF BODY - BEFORE AND NOW 

Depression makes the whole body stiff and achy. Generalized anxiety gives generalized tension. I do have some muscular discomforts right now, but it is nowhere near as intense as it used to be.

I am feeling low on energy today, and -- again -- it is incomparable to how depression feels like. I know that this uncomfortable feelings and sensations will pass sooner or later. With depression, however, it feels as if it is going to last forever. 

 

DEALING WITH COMPARISON AND BULLYING

Also, in regards to comparing myself to others and dealing with bullying, right now my attitude towards that is much softer than before. I would ruminate about how I was worse than someone; or when someone would insult me, I would think about that a lot. 

      

BACK ON MY FEET  

I am regaining my self-love and self-confidence. I don’t want a high self-esteem; I want a healthy self-esteem. I know that I have flaws and that I too make mistakes, but I also know that I am worthy of love and respect from my own self and from others. 

 

Thanks for reading! (: 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Great Journal! 

[kag101]

On 7/21/2019 at 2:31 PM, zeroISinfinity said:

Great Journal! 

Thank you!  

[kag101]

July 23rd, 12:28 PM 

I have recently started to read a book called "The Success Principles For Teens - Jack Canfield and Kent Healy".

 

I have had it for since 2013. I think I am finally ready to read it, without becoming a neurotic self-help junkie.

It's a very "stage Orange" book. That being said, it is really important to ace stage Orange before getting into the higher levels of SD; otherwise, it is an incomplete "evolution". 

 

As with most self-help books, it talks a lot about 

1) Setting Goals

>> Big

>> Specific

>> Written down

2) Visualization 

>> The more detail, the better

>> Use all senses 

>> Exaggerate (especially on the emotional aspect) 

3) Affirmations 

>> Start with "I Am" 

>> Use the present continuous

>> Do it as if the thing had already happened. 

(Example: "I am loving earning six figures")

 

NUTSHELL: It's all simple stuff that we all have heard about it before, but they are all very powerful techniques.

 

IDEA: Do a 30-day challenge of focusing on these three things for 5-10 minutes per day. 

 

TRAP: Doing self-help techniques too much is a trap. 5-10 minutes is ENOUGH. 

 

REMINDERS:

1) Self-help should not be boring, long, and exhausting!

2) Self-help should be fun!

3) I have a tendency to taking things too seriously.

 

My new affirmations: (not really, lol) 

5-10 minutes of self-help daily is ENOUGH!

Self-help should be FUN! 

 

PLAN: Here's what I will do in the next 1-3 days: 

1) Think about a challenge to do in regard of self-help.

2) For now, I am trying to set the command in my subconscious mind to not take the book so seriously.

 

Thank you for reading! =) 

[kag101]

NEW 30-DAY CHALLENGE -  (Visualization, affirmations, and goal-setting)

>> Do these three techniques of basic self-development for 5-10 minutes. 

>> Do it freely. Be dynamic! 

>> First day: 7-23-2019 // Last day: 8-22-2019. 

 

Day 1 - 7-23-2019 

Commentary:

>> I used an app to time how many minutes I will do each technique. 

>> It was pretty fun and dynamic. I can variate what I am visualizing, and or affirming.

>> I did an affirmation 3x for my Life Purpose. 

I will probably create a new journal to keep track of this challenge. I am looking forward to seeing the results

And I will make sure to not visualize, do affirmations, or think about my goals other than these 5-10 minutes daily! 

[kag101]

NEW 30-DAY CHALLENGE -  (Visualization, affirmations, and goal-setting)

First day: 7-23-2019 // Last day: 8-22-2019

Rules (changed):

>> 2-7 minutes of planning

>> 7-15 minutes of doing the three techniques

1. GOALS: 3 minutes
2. AFFIRMATIONS: 3-4 minutes
3. VISUALIZATION: 4-5 minutes 

>> Avoid visualizing, doing affirmations, or thinking about goals other during these 20-25 minutes daily! 

>> Be easy on yourself! Be dynamic! HAVE FUN!  . 

 

Day 2 - 7-24-2019 

Commentary:

>> 5 minutes of PLANNING. 

 

1) Goals (read for 3 minutes):

I made 3 columns of short, medium, and long term goals. In each one, I wrote about 5 goals.

Then, I read out loud the goals for 3 minutes. 

 

RESULT

> Doing the columns was useful, but it took too much effort in my opinion. 

> I think I need a more variety of goals (professional, spiritual, family, money, physical, health, study, etc.) 

> I need to think of a way to make my goals more "fixed" so that I don't have to think everyday about what goals I want. 

 

2) Affirmations (3-4 minutes):

>> I affirmed Life Purpose out loud 3-8x times (with a lot of emotion)

>> I wrote down 3 new affirmations, and I included 3 that I did yesterday 

>> I read each affirmation out loud 3x in a row. 

 

RESULT

> I think it went pretty well, because as I was reading each affirmation 3x in a row, I could feel my mind getting focused on those beliefs. 

> Again, I think I need a more fixed affirmations. Changing them everyday is too much work, and won't yield very good results, I believe. 

 

3) Visualization (3-5 minutes):

>> I visualized each affirmation for 5-12 seconds 

>> I visualized each goal I wrote down today 5-12 second each one 

>> I visualized about 10-20 goals I wrote down two days ago (101 things I want to have, be, or do in life) 

 

RESULT:

> Too many things to visualize. I was already "mentally" tired halfway through. 

> Again, fewer things, but more fixed.

> I think it is really beneficial to visualize the same goals or affirmations daily. It is like watering a plant. 

 

Idea: 

> I rushed a little, because I was running out of time (especially in the visualization part). 

> I am worried about changing my goals and affirmations too much. But, once again, this challenge should be first and foremost FUN.

>> Thus, I will try to set about 80% of fixed goals, affirmations, and visualization. And 20% of changeable goals, affirmations, and visualization. <<

 

 

 

[kag101]

July 25th, 3:29 PM 

 

ANXIETY ATTACK

I had a minor anxiety attack yesterday.

I stopped with one of the medication called Pregabaline by myself. I think it was increasing my apettite and making me gain weight. It allegedly works for chronic pain and anxiety. I don’t think it was working, so I decided to stop. 

To get rid of the anxiety, I took an extra more pill of my Seroquel XRO (my regular medication), and it worked!

I am so grateful to have this medication. Whenever I am having a panic attack, I know that I can take it, and that it will work. This is such a necessary relief. 

 

GREAT SELF-HELP BOOK

I have been reading the book Principles of Success For Teens a lot. 

I am learning a lot from it, such as: 

>> Take risks

>> Ask for what you want

>> If someone rejects, remember that there are more than 6 billion people on Earth 

 

FEEDBACK - TO HEAR OR NOT TO HEAR

In a lot of chapter, they talk about how great inventors had to ignore what other people said and pursued their dream with tenacity. On the other hand, sometimes they talk the importance to hear feedback. This is, therefore, a contradiction. 

Using my common sense, I would say it boils down to recognizing when it is worthy to consider someone’s feedback, when to ignore, or when to talk about it with the person to better understand it. 

>> It all depends on the context and circumstance. << 

I think I have listened too much advice to the letter, so I think it is healthy for me to be a little “stubborn” and “egoic”. So that I can counterbalance that. That being said, if I am grasping an idea too much, it is probably a sign that I am heading in the wrong direction. 

 

NEUROTIC OVERACHIEVER

With this book, it is very easy to become a neurotic overachiever. 

I am glad I am on medication, otherwise I would have likely gotten obsessive about making progress in my life.

 

DEPRESSED PEOPLE WHO ARE IN DENIAL 

Lots of people who are clearly depressed are in denial.

For example, I like an YouTuber called “CG Kid”. He does videos on drugs. He was a poly-addict. And he said in a livestream that over the past year and a half he has been depressed as fuck. But he does not see that he needs professional help. 

But anyway, that’s not my problem! 

 

SELF-CONFIDENCE 

The fact that I went through an anxiety attack yesterday shook my self-confidence a little bit. But because it only lasted for 2 hours, I am able to regain my confidence pretty quickly.

I organized and cleaned some areas of my house today. It was pretty rewarding and it helped to boost my self-confidence. 

 

UNSOLICITED ADVICE OUT OF NOWHERE

Long story short, I have two friends who are professional procrastinator, so we are never able to hang out with each other. 

So I was being persistent in asking when they could meet up. And I fucking hate this trend nowadays of leaving people -- who are intimate -- on read. So I was putting question marks until they gave me an answer. And then, of them gave me told me in a very passive-aggressive way that I “should find a job to have an outlet.” 

Since I am being so inconvenient,  I put the group on mute now. If I were to answer him, I would give a very angry reply. So I preferred to retreat.

What really bothered me is that my other friend didn’t say nothing. I was very disappointed. I wasn’t being that needy and clingy. I just wanted to be the one who takes initiative to make things happen. 

 

30-DAY BASIC SELF-HELP CHALLENGE - 3RD DAY 

The challenge is doing well! Today was much softer and easier than yesterday. I am getting good at this! 

>> I will try to create a new journal for this challenge tomorrow. <<

 

Thank you for reading!!  

[kag101]

26th July, 9:32 

NEW MATTRESS - A PRIORITY! 

I slept well today, but my mattress is still making me wake up with my body stiff and achy. I need to solve this ASAP.

I have two options: buying a 1500$ mattress of a traditional company (Americanflex), or buying a 2500$ from a new company startup (Zissou). I think I will buy the second option, because they allow me to test the mattress for 100 days, and if I am not satisfied, they will offer a 100% refund.

Goal: By August 15th, I want to have a new mattress and pillow by www.zissou.com.br + By July 30th, I want to say clearly to my dad that I want this specific mattress and pillow. 

 

GOING BACK TO TEACHING - NOT YET! 

I was thinking of getting back to teach private classes of languages, but yesterday I was talking with my dad, and I am clearly not ready for talking a lot.

Goal: Schedule a session with speech therapist for next week. 

 

ORGANIZING IS NOW PLEASANT (THANKS TO MEDICATION) 

Yesterday I cleaned up and organized my room. It was very satisfying.

I love how this medication has helped me be more concentrated. One of the least talked about symptoms of depression is poor cognitive skills. 

Goal: Keep my room organized until next Monday (30th July)

 

GOOD-BYE, PREGABALINE! 

I haven’t had any anxiety attacks, which is great. I feel safe to not take Pregabaline anymore. 

Goal: Check daily if I am having too much pain, or anxiety attacks. If so, contact my psychiatrist. 

 

PASSPORT

This is an important action. 

Goal: Today I will go renew my passport. 

 

GOALS TO ACHIEVE BY THE END OF THE YEAR:

> Become a Portuguese citizen (December/19)

> Get my driver’s license (October/19) 

> Earn $500 per month from working as a freelancer (November/19) 

 

Goal: Rate each of these three as to how meaningful they are to me + change something to the goal to make it more personally meaningful and specific (July 30th) 

 

NEO-LIBERAL CONVENTION

Goal: Go to a convention of a neo-liberal movement of Brazil called MBL on this weekend (28 or 29th July)  

 

PEOPLE ARE HEADING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!! 

I can see how people are heading completely in the wrong direction. People are too hurried, too anxious, and too impatient.

This reminds me that it is said that when the Buddha achieved Enlightenment, he went back to the city, and saw everybody was trying to be happy, but they were all going exactly in the OPPOSITE direction to happiness. It is said that tears of compassion came to his eyes.

 

>> Most people do not understand the importance of letting things marinate <<. 

 

to marinate

letting something soak in, leave time for reflection

I'm not ready to decide yet, I'm gonna let it marinate for a while.

#soak#ponder#think about#evaluate#mature

(Source: Urban Dictionary)

 

4TH DAY - BASIC SELF-HELP CHALLENGE 

I have decided to do: 

>> 5 minutes of planning

>> 5 minutes of reading goals out loud + repeating 3x affirmations 

>> 5 minutes of visualization 

 

Goal: Create a new journal for this challenge (do it by July 30th) 

 

Thanks for reading! All types of feedback are welcomed in this journal! So if you want to tell me something, go ahead! I won't take it personally!  

That being said, compliments are also welcomed, hehe!

[kag101]

27th July, 3:02 PM

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."

-- Margaret Tatcher 

HELLO, DEPRESSION, MY OLD FRIEND?

I woke up feeling okay and motivated to do my stuff.

Then, as time passed, bad feelings started to come up: irritation, hopelessness, despair.

Depression is not something that goes away very easily. It tends to come back in sneakier ways. 

Then, I took an extra pill of my medication, and slept. Now, I am feeling better. 

 

NEW MATTRESS - A PRIORITY

I know I have been saying this a lot, but I definitely need a new mattress.

I woke with my shoulder, and my up and middle back tensed and in pain.

I took a painkiller. 

 

DEPRESSION, I HATE YOU

Depression is a fucking scary illness.

When it happens, it feels like I am about to die. Not fun at all. And it seems as if there is no joy in the world. And that I will always feel like that. All sense of hope and optimism vanishes.

 

GRATITUDE! 

>> I am grateful that I have this medication.

>> I am really grateful that I took the first step in November of 2018 to go to a psychiatrist. Before so, I thought:

1. I didn’t need one
2. I was supposed to get rid of depression by myself
3. Medication would not work for my case

 

>> Proactively seeking help was a very humbling experience << 

 

 

AVOIDING MEDICATION 

It’s so crazy to think how many things I tried to stabilize my mood. And I never thought medication could do so.

Right in this moment, I am not in my best mood, but at least I am not in that downward spiral anymore. And I can have a sense of optimism.

I am now able to see that many good things have been happening in my life, and that I am on my way to a brighter future!

 

FEAR OF NOT ACCOMPLISHING A GOAL

When the depression kicked in, I started to doubt myself if I will be able to do a children’s play I will do in December.

Last year, I had to quit because the depression had hit too hard, so I was feeling very bad, and therefore couldn’t take on the challenge. 

Quote

My strategy: I have two meetings in August. If I am not able to go to neither of those, then I will quit. If that happens, I will block all thoughts of guilt and repeat to myself: "My mental is health is my number 1 priority!"

 

REMINDER: I AM IN STILL RECOVERY PHASE! 

I am still in a recovery phase. I have to be extra patient with myself, and avoid at all costs giving in to despair. There is always a way!

Quote

Reminder 1: If I am having an anxiety, depressive, or suicidal episode; I can take an extra dosage of my medication. No problem!

Reminder 2: If I take 3 years to get stabilized, so be it!

Reminder 3: Rushing results is the surest way to backslide.

 

I am already grateful for all the progress I have made. Seriously, it's mind-blowing. I wasn't living; I was surviving.
 

Quote

 

Few months ago:  I was depressed 90% of the time, and stable 10% of the time.

This past month: I am stable 90% of the time, and I am depressed 10% of the time.

 

That's a huge result!  

 

Hooray for me!

 

Quote

 

For anyone who is feeling shitty most of the time:

Seek professional and qualified help!

Send me a private message, or whatever.

I am a living proof that medication works! 

 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

Try starting your day with this. 

 

[kag101]

July 28th, 10:08 AM 

Here I am again. Body's stiff af. Very demotivated to do stuff. Fearing I will always feel like this. Tired of dealing with my mental illness. I know that I will be okay sooner or later. It's just that.... it's hard to deal with hard days. But I guess I should expect hurdles. After all, it is a war.

That being said, there are other things I have to deal with, for example, taking action and buying a new mattress and pillow. I have been procrastinating to do this. But I am in a point that this is a priority. Everyday I wake up feeling achy and tensed up (especially in my shoulder, and middle and up back)

I will have to take an extra pill. I will probably sleep. I think I have been sleeping too much. But at least when I sleep, I have chance of waking up feeling better. This med does give me a repairing sleep.

I want to find a good dosage for my the medication that will prevent me to dive deep into darkness.  Maybe I am clinging too much to this medication. Maybe it is not doing me so well as I thought.

I don't agree with my current dosage. I think I am taking it too much during the evening. But how I am supposed to say that to my psychiatrist, if I am not feeling better? When I am, I feel like I can say whatever I want. When I am not, I feel the world will not listen to me, and that I will not have the will-power to be assertive. Maybe I should try to find a new one. I don't really like him. I don't resonate with him. He's professional and shit, but that's not enough for treating depression on its full magnitude. 

I guess that's it for now. I will take the pill, and hope I will feel better.

I don't know... I just feel tired. 

 

@zeroISinfinity Thanks! 

[zeroISinfinity]

Notice how many times you used word I and how impressive and large story of that I is. 

Let  the stories and interpretations of sensations go. Stop believing them. 

Try to make shift like this. I am sensations not story about them. Allow everything that arises to be. Be it without though stories. Allow Dark clouds in your sky they will pass. 

Edited July 28, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[kag101]

On 28/07/2019 at 10:44 AM, zeroISinfinity said:

Notice how many times you used word I and how impressive and large story of that I is. 

 

Oh, there goes the nonduality police lol.

Of course I have used a lot of "I"s. This is a personal journal. I am writing about my life. 

 

[kag101]

July 29th, 11:30 AM

Depressed. Once again. I mean, why do I feel this way? Will I have a chance to have some stability in my life? Or will I always fall on my ass and feel shitty sooner or later? I don’t know if any medication will work for me. I am tired of feeling like I am a “waste of space”. I am fed up with feeling like an old age person who is about to die. I'm filled with a illusory nostalgia and a sense of emptiness, as if I am not alive -- just a zombie.

When I feel like this, it is as if nothing will improve. 

Time keeps passing, and I still feel like no one understands me deep down. It’s just… shitty. I feel very impotent. And I just can’t afford being depressed. I am not a very young person anymore. 

All I want to do is to sleep. Escape from reality. I just want to feel okay… 

[kag101]

July 31st 10:21 PM 

I am at my friend’s house right now.

 

THANK GOD I WENT TO MY PSYCHIATRIST TODAY 

Today, I summoned the will power to go to my psychiatrist. I went there with my dad. It was super important to go there. I have been feeling depressed over the last 3-4 days, so it is important to intervene as quickly as possible.

There is nothing inherently "wrong" with being depressed, but it’s just not who I really am, and it is an illness. 

 

NO MORE WAR

I have learned the hard way that you cannot be at war with depression. Aversion only strengths depression. That doesn’t mean I should passively “accept” being in a dark mood. Action is needed. Better yet, right action.

In the case of today was just showing up to the psychiatrist. Sometimes it is good to set this intention. “Just show up”, because that can help build momentum and lower expectations and perfeccionism. 

 

#1 PRIORITY

The thing is,. But I have to keep in mind that my mental health is my number 1 priority. Thus, I have to program into my mind that:

Quote

 

Psychotherapy + Medication + True Friends = The golden triad to dealing with depression. 

 

 

GRATITUDE FOR MY 2018 SELF

I am really glad I took action in November of 2018. I fucking went to the psychiatrist. That took a lot of courage and humility.

My spiritual ego convinced for years that, “Uh? Psychiatrist? I don’t need that! I can deal with depression by myself. I don’t need science. I am a spiritual and evolved person. The Buddha within will take care of this.”

This highly arrogant attitude is first and foremost STUPID. Seriously, do I really want to dismiss hundreds and hundreds of years of scientific research on mental illnes? Do I really think I -- in my arrogance -- that can solve it by myself? Am I fucking kidding? This is my tendency to want to reinvent the wheel. 

 

LIFE PURPOSE

Going to the consultation today with my dad was really important. Afterwards, I felt safe.

Like it or not, I suffered from generational child abuse due to my parent's divorce.

Simply put, my dad repeated the mistakes of my granddad, who repeated the mistakes of my grandgranddad, and so on.

Now it’s time for this wheel of suffering (samsara) to stop. And it ends with me.

 

I will do whatever is in my power to heal my childhood traumas. 

 

 

OTHER STUFF

>> The psychiatrist had added a new medication called brupione. I will see how that goes. 

>> I get extremely embarrassed when I am in a depressive episode. And not only that, doing stuff is very hard.

>> Next Sunday, I have a rehearsal for the play I will *hopefully* do in Christmas. 

>> The last three days were shitty as fuck? Certainly. But I am glad I am learning how to intervene quickly.

>> I completely stopped my visualization challenge. But I did it today. Well, you can say that it worked. After all, I went to the consultation. I think I will simplify the challenge to "visualize freely for 5 minutes". 

 

 

And to finish everything off, here is a quote I really like by one of the highest authorities in maniac-depression illness. I highly recommend her book "An Unquiet Mind". I am planning to write a review of this book and post it on the forum. Anyway, here it is: 

 

 

 

Edited August 1, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

August 1st, 12:18 AM 

 

A Freer Style

I have decided to change my “intention” when I am writing here. I will not force anything as I am writing. This is a vent sort of journaling. There is absolutely no need to paint things differently than how they actually are, because what really changes things is sincerity and transparence, not using makeup to pretend I have figured things out, when I clearly have not. 

 

Realness = good

Fakeness = bad 

 

This is a deep insight. 

 

The positive-thinking mentality is so ingrained in me that I often forget that seeing things as they are is the most powerful way to actually transform them. Because as I articulate exactly what I am going through (to the best of my abilities, obviously) gives me the gift of having the opportunity of actually seeing the problem outside of my head, and “materialized” into my writing.

Speaking of writing, I will also set another intention. I have noticed that I use way too much energy as I am writing here. I try to underline things that are the most important, as if I am writing for like buzzfeeds that needs a lot of clicks. No! The goal here should not be that. Authenticity is better. I can practice it here. But obviously, authenticity has its limits! It’s very easy to fall in the trap of turning on “Mr. Radically Honest Guy”. That’s not real authenticity. It is just an arrogant, overexposing inner character. In my manic phases, I tend to go down this route. So it is extra important to ask myself on a regular basis: “Am I oversharing stuff that I might regret later?” If so, it is time to reach out to my psychiatrist.   

 

I have gone through moments of madness in my life. Very depressed. Very tensed. And very anxious and paranoid. Uh… it’s incredible how a childhood trauma can impact the life of a person so deeply. Yes, I can recover from it and turn things around. But the thing is, there is no magic solution. I was reading an article on Tony Robbins today. I really don’t like his approach of “I’ll make you get rid of a deep-rooted trauma in seconds.” This is fantasy. You can’t rush the process. It is a process! It’s as if reading a book, and because you want to know what happens, you read its Wikipedia page.

You must go through the heroes’ journey so that the insights and teachings are fully integrated. When you fully go through all the phases of forgiveness & grief, the insights becomes part of you. It becomes YOURS. Your wisdom. Nobody can take that away from you. 

If, however, you choose the route of “lemme rush things up. I have more important things in my life than to feel these low-consciousness emotions.” Then, guess what? No mud, no lotus, baby. No process, no insight. No wisdom. Just an incomplete thing. You become an incomplete person if you choose that easy route. 

Of course I am NOT saying you should dive super deep into your own suffering. This is just arrogance and it's not gonna work. Some years ago, I tried to do shadow work all by myself. “Imma dive deep into the darkest spots of my mind. And I won't be afraid to go there alone!”. Eh… didn't work. You kill a gremlin. It appears a stronger one. It is a never-ending Inner War. 

 

Man, so much shit I have gone through in my life. Seriously. Some dark-ass days and nights. And for a very long time, I didn’t even consider the possibility that I might had clinical depression. It didn’t come to mind. And now that I have this knowledge, I have better chances at winning the Battle.

Ignorance = Darkness

For so long, I had to fight in complete darkness. I couldn’t find my enemy. And now I know its features and characteristics. Naming the dragon makes it lose half of its power. 

 

(Sigh) 

 

Depression completely robs me of all my spontaneity. It is as if I am a sick animal. I end up forgetting how to feel my natural instincts. And that leads me to feeling like a robot. 

 

Thinking About Deep Stuff 

Sometimes I get tired of thinking about deep things. I have been judged a lot of times as being boring for enjoying talking about deep stuff. And I admit that I myself have a problem with that. Deep down, I think “I should not think about deep stuff. It’s useless. It won’t bring me happiness. I should watch My Little Pony.” 

One thing’s for sure: Thinking about deep stuff is definitely not encouraged in our society. 

And, well, I’d say that there is a right technique to do so.  I should read more about people who were really good at doing that. Poets, writers, artists, philosophers. Again, I should be careful with my already-known tendency of wanting to reinvent the wheel. 

 

Reminder: If I want to solve the greatest Existential questions by myself, I will likely get nuts (as I have gotten before). 

 

But, anyway, I am discovering a whole bunch of artists who expressed their inner demons through their work of art. And to me, art is not something you can learn. It’s something that comes from the depths of my essence, my "true self", my "soul". And it reveals itself. And because I am someone who is very sensitive, intutive, and have gone through Hell; everything that comes out of me is Art.

 

How To Spot Real Art From Fake Art:
 

Real Flower = Real Art 

(real, organic, and aromatic) 

 

Fake flower = Fake Art

No fragrance. Just fakeness. 

 

Not to say that art will cure all of my problems. But it can certainly help me express what I fail to do so in normal conversations. It is really rare to have a heart-to-heart conversation with anyone when I am under the spell of Lifelessness (aka depression). And I have judged what I wrote and did so goddamn much in the past, as if it wasn’t “valuable”, because "I wasn't Alligned". This is just Divine Perfeccionism. No need to have an upright spine. No need to learn "technique". This is all BS. The real purpose of art is to express oneself for its own sake. 

I have come to realize recently that everything I express is art. There is no such thing as “ugly”. Things don’t have to be “rounded and perfect”. Quite the opposite. Lots and lots of talented people fail to do Art, because they’re too worried with being “perfect”, “good enough”. Their self-esteem is so high and they haven't visited Hell, so their work cannot touch our Human Fragility (which is where Art is born). 

 

Yoga, An Inner Art 

One of the things I learned in Yoga is that it is an INNER art. Yes, you can check yourself once in awhile in the mirror to see how’s your stance, but the biggest trap -- especially in our culture -- is to get lost into the World of Forms. \

 

“Oh… I have to be in a perfect pose and allignment.” >> That’s the sure way to, actually, not do well in yoga. When I am focused on that, I actually get disconnected from my body and inner sensations -- which are the true radar that will lead you to a good practice. 

 

Too much focus on the external, of “looking good” = lost of natural spontaneity and no connection with Inner Child = poor practice.

 

Remember: Cats and dogs are masterful yogis. So the more you tune into your naturalness, the better! :-) 

 

_______

 

Worry. 

Worry. Ugh! Why do I worry that I worry too much? 

Why do I have to pretend I have all the answers? 

Where does this fear of Reality comes from? 

When will I realize that it is safe to relax? 

 

_______

 

DALAI LAMA

 

Self-hatred? What is that? 

 

Oh My God! All of you guys have that? 

 

But… but this is a mistake!  

 

“Trauma is hell on Earth. Healed trauma is a blessing from the Gods.”

 

>o<

 

FUck 30-day challenges

F* appointments 

F* inner-guilt

F* inner-dictator 

F* positivity

F* organization

F* being understood

F* worry 

Oh, and last but not least, F* fear 

 

@_@'

 

->> Things will figure out by themselves. <<- 

 

Quote

 

"You cry all the time"

"No... I don'.......

"That's your power!"

 

 

Ugh!