Keeping Track of My Depression

[kag101]

30-Day Challenge - Keeping Track of My Weight 

So here's what I have decided for this challenge: I will not try to lose weight per se. The idea is to weight myself in every two days, as soon as I wake up, before having breakfast. 

I know that trying to lose too much weight in a month is a trap, because if that happens, I am very likely to backslide later on. This has happened a few times in my life, and it did not go well.

In the last 9 years, my weight has ranged from 69 kg - 98 kg (152 lbs - 216 lbs). My ideal weight, I would say, is 82 kg (180 lbs).

My goal is that after the 30 days, I am between 92,2 kg - 99,9 kg (202 lbs to 219 lbs). This is a realistic expectation. 

As long as I don't go beyond 100 kg, I am good to go. Ideally I should lose a few kilos/pounds. I have a picture of my weight from a month ago: I had 92,2 kg. I weight myself today and I am with 96,2 kg. Therefore, I gained 4 kg. If I keep gaining weight at this rate, 

I am still not sure if I will use kilos (which I am more familiar with), or pounds. Maybe I will use both.  

After today, I am almost sure that I will create a new journal specifically for this challenge.

 

Day 1 - 6-24-2019 

 

Weight: 96,2 kg (212 lbs) 

 

What I ate today: 

 

> Breakfast: 8:10 am

Cereal with milk (300 calories) 

 

> Morning snack: 

Nothing

 

> Lunch: 12:00

2 spoons of Rice
1 spoon Sautéed kale
3 pieces of Manioc
100 ml soda

Dessert
1 whole-wheat cookie

(800 cal)

> Afternoon snack: 4:00 pm 

Peanut candy

(350 cal)

 

> Dinner: 6 pm

Small Milkshake
Big Mac

(800 cal)

 

> Extra food:  

Late Night: 2:30 am 

Rice, beans, potato chips (a little bit) + soda = 700 cal 

Condensed milk with cookies = 350 cal 

 

Total:

300+800+350 = 1450+800+350=2600 + 700 = 3300 cal

 

Commentary:

I overate in the late night. 

I was a little bit distracted with my meds. But I took all of them. 

Things are seeming less difficult.  

Edited June 25, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 2 [6-25-2019]

1- Breakfast: cereal (350-400 cal)

2- Morning snack: Whole-wheat cookies (200-250 cal)

3- Lunch: Rice and beans with meat. and potato. Dessert: condensed milk with cookies. (900-1100 cal)

4- Afternoon snack: Muffin + coffee (300 cal)

5- Dinner: Buffet (with soda) + caramelized sundae (1100-1300)

6- Evening snack: Whole-wheat cookies (200-250 cal)

Total: Approximately 3550 cal

 

 

[kag101]

Day 3 [6-26-2019]

 

―――

 

Weight:

96.1 kg (-100g) 

212 (-1 pound)

 

―――

 

1- Breakfast:

Nothing

 

2- Morning snack:

Nothing

 

3- Lunch:

Meal: Rice and beans with meat + soda (700-800 cal)

Dessert: Nothing

 

4- Afternoon snack:

Nothing

 

5- Dinner:

Meal: Baked potato with chicken and cream cheese + Soda (1100 cal)

Desert: Sundae (400 cal) 

 

6- Evening snack: 

Nothing

 

―――

 

Total: 800+80+1100+400 = 2380 cal

 

―――

 

Commentary: 

> I ate big portions fewer times a day. I don't think that's a good strategy. I think it's important that I eat at least something in each of the 6 meals so that I don't overeat in one of them. 

> I slept very early 6 pm and I woke up at 3 am. If I had slept later, I would have very likely eaten more. 

> My weight hasn't changed much (last time I weight myself was 48 hours ago). At least I didn't gained any weight. I lost 1 pound. I went from 212 to 211. 

> I am not in a diet. I am simply monitoring and keeping track of how I much I eat daily. 

> I think I will create a new journal starting today or tomorrow. 

Edited June 27, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 4 [6-27-2019]

 

―――

 

Weight:

 

*Will only weight myself tomorrow*

 

―――

 

1- Breakfast:

Nothing

 

2- Morning snack:

Nothing

 

3- Lunch:

Meal: buffet 1 and a half time and açaí drink  (1100-1200 cal)

Dessert: Vegan Passionfruit Cheesecake (450 cal)

 

4- Afternoon snack:

Nothing

 

5- Dinner:

Meal: a lot of healthy stuff, such as meat, rice and beans, chicken, etc (1300 cal)

3 glasses of coke  (240 cal)

 

6- Evening snack: 

Soup (200 cal)

Bread (200 cal)

Cookies with almond butter and condensed milk (400 cal)

Random snacks (200 cal) 

 

―――

 

Total: 1200+450+1300+240+800+200 = 4190 cal

 

―――

 

Commentary: 

> I miss writing about my depression in here. Tomorrow I will create a new journal and leave this one alone. 

> Writing down exactly what I ate takes too much time and energy. I will write only how many approximate calories each meal had.

> Holy cow! I hate a lot of calories today. I better be more mindful of how much I am eating. Let's see how much I will be weighing tomorrow... 

 

I WILL NOT UPDATE THIS CHALLENGE THROUGH HERE ANYMORE. I HAVE CREATED A NEW JOURNAL SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS CHALLENGE. HERE IT IS: 

 

Edited June 29, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

_________________________________________________________________________

 

I will post stuff about the 30-day challenge on a separate journal.

 

Aching Back and Shoulders! - Old And Shitty Mattress! - Ugh! 

I took a nap today, and I woke up with a very high discomfort especially in my shoulders. It's a pain in the ass. I have been trying to find a good mattress to buy for months. I am just tired of that. I might as well buy a cheap mattress at the local store. I feel like this is a case of the more I try, the worse... 

Ideally, I would buy a mattress by the end of this month. I got to take some sort of action. I can't procrastinate more. Like, the level of discomfort right now is at a 8 out 10. The other annoying thing to find is a pillow. I mean, give me a break. I feel so lost in that sense. Ugh! 

It's really hard to console myself by saying, "This will pass. Before you know, you will be sleeping at a great and comfortable mattress." That might be true, but this doesn't take away the fact that my body is fucking aching. Ugh!!! 

I took painkillers about 40 minutes ago. I hope it helps alleviate the discomfort. 

Marijuana

I smoked marijuana throughout the last 2 weeks. And I can firmly say that it is not doing me any good. I don't have a good high. I don't get paranoid per se, but I get aggressive. I am too old for this shit. I am fed up with losing my energy with stupid shit. 

I don't like how smoking feels like. It is a very hot thing and it messes with my throat. 

So, all in all, smoking pot is not paying off. It's just delaying my recovery. So I think I will not smoke it again. 

Weight Challenge

I am still in the beginning of the challenge, but I think it's been pretty productive and insightful. I have decided to not write down what I eat per se, but just write an estimate of the calories. 

 

[kag101]

June 29th, 9:20 am 

Today I woke up feeling depressed and with an overwhelming muscular discomfort. Yes, my crappy mattress plays a role in this, but I had the insight that what's making my mood go down is smoking marijuana. I can't fool myself: smoking pot is not something that does any good to me. Yes, I can feel a little bit more mindful, but it simply doesn't pay off. 

In the last two weeks, that is, since I started smoking pot again, I have been verbally aggressive. I have argued with many people. I have had some pretty nasty thoughts about others, such as having a profound aversion to someone. I have been too dry, too blunt with people. Nothing big, but it's just not something I want to cultivate in my life. I am done with war. I want peace. 

"I will fight no more forever" -- Chief Joseph 

So today, I have decided to stop smoking once and for all. It won't be a difficult thing to do, because as I mentioned earlier, the "high" is very crappy. I prefer to just use Shamanic Rapé, and feel more and more grounded.

All in all, smoking weed was a backlash. But I understand that this is normal. I am glad I have seen that it is not doing me any good. I have to thank my psychologist who warned me that. I tried to justify why I was using, but then it became clear that I was just coming up with excuses to use it. 

I am done with feeling crappy. I have felt that for many years, and I don't want to feel it anymore. And I know that the combination psychiatric treatment + psychotherapy is the way to go. 

Thank you for reading!

Edited June 29, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

June 30th, 6:28 pm

Weed

Quitting weed was a very important move. I don't do well with marijuana. It messes up with my brain chemistry, and I get somewhat aggressive and even egoic. I think that being rebellious was an important part of my journey. I had always been the nice guy, who would never say things that bothered me, who was afraid all the time. And I would feel extremely guilty for being an asshole, or for hurting other people's feelings. Btw, I love Leo's video on How To Stop Being a People-Pleaser. 

All in all, weed was making the medication be not so effective. My psychologist asked me in a very  polite way, "Don't you think it would be better if, at least for now, you wouldn't smoke cannabis?" During the consultation, I got very defensive and I was self-justifying my behavior. But now I see how weed was blocking my progress. 

Optimism 

I feel optimistic about life. I don't have that overwhelming fear anymore that things would go terribly wrong in my life. I feel self-confident. Not in a exaggerated way, but in a calm and rational way. I know that I am amazing. I have had a big treasure all my life, and I just couldn't use it. I was afraid the world would judge it. But now, I don't have this fear anymore. I have good friends who support me and that make me remember how to relax and be myself. 

Sending Package To My Cousin 

Today I sent a package to my 14-year-old cousin. His birthday was a week ago. I bought him a cool spider-man T-shirt, and I also made him a card and I also put 50 bucks inside it. I think he will like it. I haven't been close to him due to depression. I simply was too insecure, too tensed-up to have any emotional bond with anyone. And, truth to be told, he was in a phase of being in his little world. So I hope that this present will make us be close once again. 

Migraine & Diet 

I have had some migraines today. Maybe it is because I haven't eaten much. I am making sure that I eat from 1800-2500 calories daily. Not eating is a huge trap. Not just because it's an ineffective strategy for losing weight, but it would also affect my mental health. 

Mattress 

My quest for finding a mattress is still on. I have found a site that seems reliable and good. They let the customer use the mattress for 100 days, and if he or she doesn't like it, they refund 100% of the value. The mattresses there are more expensive than in the other stores I researched, but I think it's worth a try. I sent my dad an email about that. 

 

Thank you for reading! Have a good week!  

[kag101]

July 3rd, 9:11 pm

My Life

I will try to write freely, and see what comes up. My life is steadily getting back on track. I have been very organized and correct. I have had plenty of energy to use throughout my day -- not too much, not to little. I have been practicing the piano, soccer, and other things.

Dad

I have been arguing with my dad. He is travelling, and he doesn't take the time to answer my text messages. I know he has been busy and all, but all I am asking is 5 minutes of his attention per day. But anyway, I don't need his love and affection. I have survived years without it. I would be very pleased if I got any of it, but it is not something necessary to my happiness. Like it or not, I am a grown up guy. 

I do need his financial help. But, again, if he doesn't want to help me, I have survived more than 2 years not asking him for one penny. But, once again, it would be easier if he helped me. 

Psychologist 

I am going to my psychologist tomorrow. It has been a week since I stopped smoking weed, and I feel much better. My thoughts are clearer, and I am not aggressive anymore. Weed was for sure counteracting the medication I am taking. I don't miss it at all. 

Other Medical Consultations 

I have scheduled to go to a variety of doctors: orthopedist to check my knees, my posture, and a possible tendinitis in my arm. An otolaryngologist to check my voice and to see if I should go to a speech therapist. I will schedule a dermatologist for 20 days from now (when my keeping track of my weight challenge ends), so that I can show him or her my deshidrosis, and to start a hair-regrowth treatment. I admit that I am anxious so that I start the treatment right away, but I am forcing myself to focus on one thing at a time. 

A Message To The Depressed Folks Out There

If you're depressed, I recommend you disregard all spiritual beliefs (especially paranormal things). No one knows for sure if there are in fact those types of things, and having a mental illness only makes you prone to delusional thoughts and beliefs.

Once again: there is no other way to overcome depression other than the following triad: medication (with a psychiatrist follow-up) + psychotherapy + good support network.

You can justify yourself as much as you want, but that's the blunt truth. 

With the right help, it's not that hard to overcome depression! 

PS: I went to a very good mattress store today called Zissou. They have a 100-day 100% refund policy. The mattress is a little bit expensive, but I think it is worth it. 

Edited July 4, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

July 4th, 7:31 pm

Let's see what comes up today. I like this type of free-writing so that I don't have to force myself to write about any topic specifically, but what comes up naturally. 

Right Track & Seeing How Much I Have Progressed

I feel for the first time in years that I am on the right track. I know that if I backslide, I have professional support. I don't need to rely too much on my friends and family to make myself stable. I need to constantly remind myself that healing is not a linear thing, nor is it necessarily fast. Yes, there can be a burst of growth in a short period of time. But most of the time, it is something that seems to not really be working. 

But if I pay close attention, I can see how much I am evolving. It's just mindblowing. If I were to compare my current state of mind with how I was 3 years ago, there is no comparison. I was in a world of delusional thoughts. I always thought that "not being normal" was cool, but I was mistaken. Yes, I can express my authenticity and have, for example, impopular opinions once in a while. But being normal, from a psychiatric standpoint, is having healthy flutuations of humor. Not like a wild rollercoaster. 

Psychologist

I went to my psychologist today. I like her style. She's very gentle and respectful. I feel safe with her. I don't plan to do therapy for a long period of time, but I do acknowledge that it is necessary. Sometimes she points out something, and I start to feel guilty for not being "perfect", for not being "mature" enough to not do that. But it's good to once in a while see myself as a 5-year-old. In a way, we all are. Our essence is our inner-child. A child needs a lot of patience, loving-acceptance, and validation of feelings. If I know this, why do I beat myself up so much? 

Rushing Results & Healing

Trying to hurry results is a trap. I am already taking action. I am already taking medication. I am organizing my life in an organic way. I have come out (which is BIG thing). I am more aware of how much I eat. I am feeling good on a consistent basis. I am not so needy anymore, that is, I can let people go. My relationship with my family is finally authentic, and I am finally healing and giving a new meaning to my parents' divorce, which was a huge emotional trauma for me. 

Parents' Divorce

I was 8-fucking-years. I was a child. And I needed to calm down my mom's grief. And I saw a lot of bad shit. Jealousy, lack of communication, and even emotional terror. (Sigh). I know that the past is done. But I do have to give myself permission to revisit it and to connect with my inner child so that I can release all those pent up emotions and finally resolve, with the eyes of an Adult, my unfinished business. 

Book On Depression

I am reading a wonderful book about depression by a Brazilian neurologist. He was talking about gratitude in the last chapter. And this made me stop to think for a moment. Man, so many blessings have happened in my life. Sure, my life is still not ideal. I am in the process of restructuring it. But I am fucking grateful that I haven't felt that deep sense of hopelessness, nor that feeling of having an insignificant existence, and nor that feeling of waking up and the only thing I'd look forward to is when I would sleep again. 

Being Happy Again -- A Gift From The Gods 

I am vibrant once again. Sure, I am not perfect. But, hey, life is a school. I can't beat myself up for being in the process of learning. And learning means trial and error, making mistakes, saying I am sorry (especially to mysef). With depression, I see a deep sense of meaningless in the world. Everything that's coming up lately with the Internet Revolution seems stupid and pointless. There is no sense of satisfaction or any type of rewarding feeling. After all, the dopamine in my brain is messed up. 

I am glad I have been able to get out of that quagmire of confusion and trauma. No one deserves to be in that state. I can now see how my social anxiety was caused by childhood trauma. And never would I thought that the solution to my excessive shyness would be going to a traditional psychologist and a traditional psychiatrist. Nothing woo-woo. Not Reiki, not NLP, not psychedelics, not hyponosis. Just regular treatment. 

I have walked the Path of self-discovery for 11 years. It is a lot. And I never could find God. But now I see that seeing God, nirvana, samadhi, etc. is merely the healing of trauma. I have a deep respect for people like Dr Gabor Maté, who works with addicts in an empathic, realistic, and compassionate way. Maybe I will work with that in the future. But as for now, I will focus on just getting things right. 

[kag101]

July 5th, 1:16 AM 

Trying to Change Others

There is a persistent desire in me to change others. I know this is said over and over again in self-help circles, but I still fall into this trap. In the case of depression, I have started to tell everyone to go a to a psychologist and psychiatrist. But I have to tell myself that

Quote

"YOU ARE NOT A PSYCHIATRIST, nor are you Mother Theresa. I mean, seriously, focus on yourself. Yes, there are problems in the world, but if you manage to fix yourself internally, then you will have a much stronger and more effective impact in the world." 

- Me to Myself ._. 

Antivirus Updated!

I feel like I have updated my firmware. I was living with an outdated version of myself. We are in 20-fucking-19. This is the future. The internet revolution is here. Everything has changed. Everything is more connected. Everything is easier.

Btw, one persistent limiting belief is that in order for me to win, somebody has to lose. Not necessarily... the world is a potentially abundant place, in which everybody can win. 

Weight - Shock, then Relief 

Today I weighted myself as soon as I woke up. One-hundred-fucking-kilos I was shocked and frustrated.

I have been focusing on monitoring my weight and everything, and I am trying to not be neurotic about, but instead as scientific as possible. I am not doing any type of diet. But I am registering how much I have eaten, as well as an estimation of the calories. But anyway, after some hours, I poop, and my weight was at 97.4. Much better... 

Random Stuff

• Today I organized some stuff in my house. It was productive and I didn't need to do much effort.

• I took a 4-hour resting nap.

• I am finishing the book on depression.

• I am getting better at online games, because I am more loose and not neurotic.

• I have been practicing soccer by myself. Fun stuff! Can't wait to start playing at the park.

• I took a bath as soon as I woke up. I was feeling very tensed-up.

• I didn't take any painkillers today! Hooray!

• My nose is cleared up. I have developed a technique with Shamanic Rapé and saline.

• I have been practicing singing notes along with the piano, and I have feel I am getting better at singing. My fear is to make mistakes. I have realized that if I do new activities but for a small period of time, then there is virtually no risk of injuring myself or getting hard-to-get-rid-of bad habits.

• It's been raining in my city over the last 2 days. It's winter where I live, but it was feeling like it was summer. Goddamn, climate change!

• Pinterest is cool!

• It's a good thing to develop not-caring when I enjoy stuff, because then if that thing gets popular, I am not following it because everybody is talking about it, but because I genuinely like it.

For example, Leo is not popular nowadays, but it's a good thing to follow him at this time. Another example would be to invest in Facebook. Instagram is much popular these days, but nothing stays the same... 

 

[kag101]

July 6th, 7:26 PM

Book

I just finished reading a great book about depression by a Brazilian neurologist. It was a very good read. I would rate the book 4/5. This book at a very good time. 

I Am My Only Responsibility

I thought a lot about how I don't need to worry about other people's mental health. This is just an unrealistic expectation, as if I were able to have the omnipotence to undo all evil in the world. No, this is an effort that is not worth it. I notice that the more I focus on my journey and my own problems, the more I am able to change the world by my presence alone. 

Problems

There are still things I don't like about the world, and there will always be something bad that is happening. And to have this understanding that, "Oh... it's okay. It's not my duty to change the world." gives a sense of comfort and relief. 

Rational optimism & Reasons Why I Think My Life Will Get Better

I am very optimistic. Not in a blind way, but instead in a very rational way. I have reasons to be optimistic.

> My relationships are very good and have well-delimited and healthy boundaries.

> My family is doing great, and is finally moving into the right direction.

> I no longer feel like carrying the weight of the world.

> I won the battle against my proud ego and I sought help.

> My intestine is working well (which is something I have always struggled with in my life).

> I have accepted my sexuality and I have recently come out as gay.

> I no longer feel the need of hiding any aspect of myself.

> I feel stable and centered most of the time.

> I no longer have crippling social anxiety. I know that some social situations drain my energy quickly, but I can manage this. 

> I know that if depression comes back again to haunt, I have plenty of tools to deal with it. 

> I have dealt with my biggest trauma in life: my parents' divorce. It was a fucked-up thing that my 8-year-old self had to deal with, but now I feel at peace with that. I have talked with all my family members about it. I have expressed my repressed anger with all of them. The grieving cycle is completed. Now I can move on  

And the thing is, I don't necessarily have to use antidepressants for the rest of my life. And even if I do need it, there's no problem! They are not evil per se; depression is. 

I feel like celebrating today. I was for 11-12 years depression's prisoner. I still need to be alert, because it can come back at any time, but I feel like I have it under control.

Peace out  

kag101

[kag101]

July 7th, 7:56 PM

I think this journal is pretty messy. But that's okay, that's how I am.

Rehearsal Theater 

Today, I went to a children's play that I will do in the end of the year. I have realized how much I have a talent for acting and for writing. It is something that comes easy to me. And doing plays definitely has the potential to be one of my passion's in life, because there I can completely immerse myself in a ludic world. No need to be who I am. No one judging me as being "dumb" or "retarded" for being playful. 

Neurotic Organization

Lately, I have been focusing a lot on being more organized, yet I am taking caution to not get too neurotic about it. I realized I have been pretty neurotic about keep track with what I eat. I wrote in my other journal that I will schedule a session with a nutritionist. He's really good. He is not the typical nutritionist who tells people to eat, idk, chicken and stuff. I really like his texts, and I am looking forward to start seeing him. 

Doctors

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with an orthopedist. Then, on Wednesday, with my psychiatrist. Then, on Thursday, with my psychologist. A lot of stuff, huh? But I have set the intention of going to all doctors I need by my birthday. I wanna make sure nothing's wrong with me. Oh... and I need to schedule with a speech therapist, hehe. Omg... a lot of stuff, but I don't think it is overwhelming. 

Medication & How Much I Have Changed 

Once again, I am very grateful for the medication I am taking. It's helped me calm down my anxiety, made me feel more centered, and have taken away my wild mood swings. Great stuff! And I can't complain about any side effects. 

I wish there was a guide to how I should proceed with my life. But I would say that being extra patient is a must. If I analyse ow much I have improved in 2 months, it is mindblowing:

> I don't get hits of depression or euphoria. I feel very calm and centered most of the time.

> My sleep schedule is acceptable (I used to wake up at 5-fucking-PM).

> I am not eating as if I am about to die.

> I don't feel Social Anxiety anymore. I do feel I have a high sensitivity for social interactions, but I am able to deal with that by limiting how much time I have to socialize with people. I am like a person who has a very pale tone of skin. I only need a tiny bit of sun. If I expose myself too much, sunburns are going to happen. And if I do that for a prolonged period of time, I might develop cancer, metaphorically speaking.

> I am as authentic as I ever was, but at the same time I am not being disrespectful.

> I don't feel any strong addictions or cravings.

> I am much more independent, which is a great thing for an introvert.

> I know how to defend myself. If someone starts being rude to me, I know how to strike back. 

> I am much more organized, and I am helping organize my whole house. 

> I have been taking walks with my dog, and I have been playing and training him. 

> I have stopped smoking cannabis. 

> I am much more creative. 

> I have a better relationships with my inner child. 

> I have moments of existential ecstasy, but in a balanced way. 

> I am bringing joy and peace wherever I go.

> I don't beat myself up for not being perfect, or for making mistakes, or for not being able to cheer everybody up.

> I have been practicing the piano and soccer. Oh, and my strength in my arm is much better!

> I have realized that the only person I really should take care of is myself. 

Eight months ago, my life was at a 2-3. Now it is at a 7.5. Big improvement, huh?

[kag101]

July 9th, 11:04 PM

Solitude vs Loneliness

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I have been doing a lot of things by myself, which is a good thing, because i was getting too dependent on other people to do stuff with me. And it is really liberating to do things by myself. I am not going to lie: it can feel lonely at times. But I am learning how to find the balance between being myself & being with others. I am going to talk about this with my therapist.

Neediness & Toxic Relationships

Another thing that has been bugging my mind is romantic relationships. I am a pretty needy guy, and I get fixated on some people that will obviously not going to work. It is a waste of time and energy. I keep thinking about them, and when i text them, i am not relaxed, but instead tensed up and caring too much if I am sending the "right text", and they don't give me the attention I know I deserve.

It becomes one of those obsessive kind of things, where I believe that sooner or later they will start to give me attention and they will fall in love for me. But, in reality, that wouldn't even be a good thing. Because I am under a spell. If those people who I try really hard to impress go out with me, it won't be satisfying, because ultimately physical appearance doesn't really matter.

I know this in theory, but in practice I am still attached to them. And one thing I have learned in life is that trying to force maturity is a terrible thing. It doesn't work , and it backfires. Maybe I should go out with the "less" attractive people, and see how that goes.

I hate the fact that I am projecting a unreal expectation to some people. In romantic relationships, one thing I have found to be true is that before being romantic partner, the person and I should be friends. Furthermore, there should be a more or less equal exchange of energy. To give and receive. But the overwhelming majority of the relationships are unequal. I either give too much and don't receive anything back; or I get too much and don't put out anything.

Bottom line: I am tired of not valuing the right people. The people that don't give me attention are the ones I focus on, whereas the people who are truly there for me, I belittle them. (Sigh). 

Throwing a Wish To The Universe... 

I have read somewhere that writing down wishes increases the odds of them coming true. So, let's see if it will work. By September 2nd, I want to have gone out with a person who i am naturally attracted to, who is from 20-24, who lives close to me, and who is first and foremost, my friend. And I want us to be both attracted to each other. i want that there will be a more or less equal exchange of energy , in wich i feel I can grow with. 

I will put this date on Google Calendar, and I will write here to see if my dream was realized. Hehe. 

Getting Acclimated to Well-Being

I think that a very important exercise is to reflect how much I have progressed. Otherwise, life feels like a never-ending game of setting goals & achieving. Once in a while, it is good to just breathe and be thankful for all the things that have happened in the last year, the last month, the last day. There are so many blessings. 

It is in the evening right now, and I have some unpleasant feelings and thoughts. There is some anxiety there. Some confusion. And a little bit of depression, I suppose. But, let me tell ya, it is nowhere as intense as it used to be.

On April 14th, I traveled with my family, and I had a big wave of depression and anxiety prior to the trip. It was crippling. I had to use will power to make myself go there. It was worth it, but it demanded too much energy to do so. And life doesn't have to be like that. I am not saying life should always be light & easy, but it can be at least 90-95% of the time. The thing is, I have to be a strategic motherfucker to make my life flow easy. 

I am already on the right track. I have been getting the help of a lot of professionals (psychologist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, speech therapist, orthopedist, reumatologist, etc.) I have always admired science, but for my own life, I thought it wouldn't work. Deep down, I thought my depression was just my ego whining. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I accept that I need medication, and I also keep in mind that the side effects are not that bad; in fact, right now I don't feel any of them to be honest. 

I am fucking learning. I gotta remember this. I try to be a master in every area of life, and I beat myself up for not being perfect, for not being a "fast learner". But that only adds to the problem. In fact, in actuality, there wasn't even a problem in the first place. My own harsh judgement is the thing that makes the problem real. 

Thanks for reading.  

 

[Gladius]

Amazing your deep level of self-knowledge. This is probably the most accurate journal I ever read. Your reflections here show how wise you already are. Keep it up!

[kag101]

July 10th, 2:26 PM 

My Current Psychiatrist 

I am about to go to my psychiatrist. I think it will be the last time that I go to him. He was important for me, and I am pretty sure my cycle with him will end today. It's okay to go to just 2 sessions with a psychiatrist. I was thinking of not going to this second one, but my psychologist convinced me to do otherwise.

He is very open and honest about the medication. However, I don't feel that much of affinity with him. He forces his voice to sound more "professional", and I really don't like that. I want a psychiatrist that has a natural tone of voice, who listens to me non-judgmentally, and who can see which medication will work and which dosage should i use. 

I will ask the psychiatrist today if I can double my morning dosage. i have been feeling some aggressive urges,  some irritability and some depression. Nothing big, but I think increasing the dosage might be helpful. I will see what he thinks about it. 

There is a psychiatrist who is an authority on Ayahuasca. he lives in the amazon, but he offers Skype sessions. I will try to convince my dad to go to him. At least for one session. I want to hear his feedback about my life and my mental health.

Strategies for Socializing Without Getting Drained 

I just came back from my friend's house. Two of his friends came over. They will stay there for 1-2 weeks. If it was at another time, I would have felt very anxious as if I needed to "entertain" them. But now I see that this is not my responsibility. If someone's bored, it is because of them, not me.

And one thing I have been trying to develop is strategies for socializing for a specific amount of time, and then coming up with a good and natural excuse to go away.

I am a High Sensitive Person, so I get easily drained from social interactions. And for a very long time, I didn't know how to deal with that. But after reading the book "Quiet", by Susan Cain, now I see that I am not alone on this.

A lot of people force themselves to interact and act "happy", then they commit suicide. People will judge me regardless of what I do. I am not saying that I shouldn't give a fuck about what others think of me. Instead, I need to find that sweet spot between maintaining my individuality, and at the same time being able to live as a community.  

Making Money & Anxiety & Patience

I have been feeling like I need to make some money. I am trying to find a way that will not make me feel too exhausted or drained.

But I should also remember to be patient. My birthday is on September, and until then, I will focus on going to doctors (speech erapist, pain doctor, psychiatrist, and psychologist) to make sure I am ready to face challenges in a "safe" way.

For too long, I tried to deal with the worldly challenges by myself, as if I knew everything and didn't need help. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Not only do I need people, I also can benefit a lot from good professionals. As I mentioned in the last post, I love so much science but when it comes to applying it to me ( by going to doctors, for example), I dismiss it as if it wouldn't work or something like that. Buffonnery! Doctors are scientist. And science is what is going to really heal me.

Thanks for reading.  

[kag101]

16 minutes ago, Gladius said:

Amazing your deep level of self-knowledge. This is probably the most accurate journal I ever read. Your reflections here show how wise you already are. Keep it up!

Thanks, man! I really appreciate your encouragement!

[kag101]

July 11th, 4:53 PM 

Hello, Depression, My Old Friend... 

Damn, I wasn't expecting depression to come back. I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and he prescribed me a new antidepressant that I already used. I was like, "I don't need this. I am not depressed." Then, as soon as I got out of his office, I started to feel very low on energy, my self-esteem was terrible. I was downtown, and I would compare myself to every single person thinking that I was a loser compared to them. I was feeling very lonely.

Then, I slept for about 10 hours. I thought I was "depressed" because I was tired. But I think it is safe to say that I was not. I took a nap today, and I just woke up. And, I don't know, I am just not feeling ok. I am feeling how I used to feel in the beginning of the year. Very sleepy and with no will to do anything. My best friend's birthday is tomorrow, and I just don't feel like going to see him or my other friends. I will have to limit how much time I spend there for my own good.

Then, on Saturday (two days from now), I will go with my friends to a soccer game. I honestly would prefer to not go, but since I already bought the tickets, and they are very excited to go, I will go. I will survive. 

I have a psychologist consultation tomorrow morning, and I will tell her how I am feeling. She's very supportive. And I will make sure to buy the new antidepressant today. I can't fool myself: I am too low. This is not normal. Nothing in my life happened for me to feel so blues. Last time I used that medication was about three months ago. And I was using it with another antidepressant. Result: I started to feel very euphoric. But my doctor told me that this probably happened due to the other antidepressant. 

I have to try... I don't want to feel depressed. And I am anxious to feel okay once again. The antidepressant takes about 2 weeks to have some effect. And in the meantime, I will have to try to reduce the damage of the depression as much as I can. I was already feeling very anxious in the beginning of the week, so that was a sign that a depression episode was going to come up.

I thought I would be able to deal with a depressive episode quite well, because I already have knowledge of it. But let me tell you: nothing can prepare you for depression. When it hits you, it makes you feel completely disempowered, as if you are the worst human being in the world, the weakest one. It messes up with your brain's chemistry. It makes everything 10x harder. 

But, hey, I have been there before. I know it sucks, but today I have a much stronger support. Depression makes me believe that "my case is unique", "I will not get through it". But that's a lie. I will get through it, and there are a lot of ways to tackle depression. The variety of antidepressants are huge. And I don't need to hurry any results. If I can manage to find the right medication by the end of the year, that is a big result already.

So that's it. After two or three months, depression has come back to visit me... But it is not a welcomed visitor. I can't force it to go away by will-force, but my psychiatrist, my psychologist, and I will do everything possible to make it go away ASAP.

(sigh)

[kag101]

July 12th, 10:43 PM 

Good-bye, Depression!

Good news! I am off of the depressive episode. I talked with my doctor today, and we agreed to stay with the same medication and to actually increase the dosage. I am glad he is a talkable psychiatrist. He may be like a robot, but he’s actually pretty nice and understanding. 

Having this mini-depressive episode was quite beneficial in a way, because now I see what depression really looks like. It is indeed an illness, and it is real. It is such a relief to be out of it. I am so glad I took the initiative to seek help. Depression is a very illness that incapacitates. It robs all your energy and vitality. It makes you feel like retard. And it makes you feel like you’re a waste of space. It’s terrible. 

Going To My Psychologist While Depressed

The fact that I went to my psychologist earlier today was key. I decided to go to her, despite how I was feeling. And we had a very good conversation. She is really good because she makes me hold my horses. I tend to be very anxious, and my thoughts are all over the place. And when I talk with her, she makes sure that I am taking one action at a time. 

I have come to realize that virtually anything is possible as long as depression is not there. With depression, everything becomes a burden. And it is no use trying to “force” yourself to do something. It doesn’t work like that. If you’re depressed, and you brute force yourself to do something, the result will be shitty. Sometimes you do need to do something despite you not wanting to do so. But with right medication, this type of will-power is not needed. 

Depression is like having a fever. Doing things while you have a fever is very challenging and it can even be unhealthy, because it can prolong it. When the fever is gone, then you can do things much more naturally and easily. Analogously speaking, when depression is not present, things are easy as a pie. I am not saying there aren’t difficult things in life, but after having lived for more than 12 years with clinical depression, almost nothing seems hard. Everything is doable.  

You also get a lot of empathy and compassion for others. Because you have suffered so much, you are able to help people get out of hell. 

Best Friend's Party

I went to my best friend’s birthday today. I was such in a light mood that I was able to cheer everybody up. I was feeling very relaxed. No social anxiety whatsoever. Man, I love my medication, seriously. That is a pill from Jesus, haha.

Yeah science, bitch!

 

Tomorrow I will go to my psychologist with my dad in the morning. Then, in the evening, I will go to a soccer game with a couple of friends. I am sure it will be a good day  

[kag101]

Hello to all, 

New Journal - Cancelled 

I had created a new journal the following journal: 

I did that so that I could keep things more organized, but i think it is not the right time to do so.

Guidelines For This Journal

The main reason why I have this journal is to vent freely, without being a neurotic Virgo who likes things to be perfect. This journal can be a draft for a better journal in the future. I can experiment here as much as I want, without any pressure to do something "outstanding". I want to try it out different types writing, content, style etc.   

New Dosage of My Medication 

This new dosage of my medication is certainly better than the one I was taking. For so many years, I tried to have a way to take me out of depression. Never had I have thought that a medication could take me out of depression. I had so much preconceptions about the pharmaceutical industry. Thinking on the bright side, I now see how pivotal taking my meds are. It's a no-brainer.

Nothing can do more good for me than taking my medication correctly. My doctor and I haven't figured out the exact dosage yet, but figuring that out is just a matter of time.  

My Friend's Friend 

My friend's friend is still here in my city. And I am so glad that I have been able to do stuff with him. He will stay here for 5 more days. I have been planning with him what to do. We can go visit my team's soccer stadium, watch the new Spider-Man at the movies, go to the Ibirapuera Park, play soccer at the local park, etc. 

Birthday Presents For My Close Friend 

Yesterday I bought some birthday presents for a close friend of mine. She always gives me cool stuff, and I had never given her any presents. It was fun to do so. It was also good to challenge my stingy part.

Apart from that, we talked about depression. She is a spiritualist, so she is "against" medication. I tried to express my point of view and how much the right medication has helped me. 

I Have To Talk With My Psychiatrist  

Speaking of which, I think I need to talk to my doctor about increasing the dosage. I will text my dad to ask him what he thinks about this beforehand, because i don't know if it is better to talk to the psychiatrist by the phone or schedule a consultation.

 

Thank you for reading!  

[kag101]

I have just scheduled a consultation with my psychiatrist for today. 

I will try to stay as honest as possible. In my opinion, the dosage should increase 100 mg daily. I will see what the psychiatrist tells me. I will also ask if it is possible to take all the pills at once at night, or if this is not a good strategy. And if I can 

I was planning to do some stuff with my friends, but I am just not feeling very well. But I am farily certain this is not depression; I am just grumpy.  The weather is cold and cloudy today, so maybe that's it. 

I also tried to schedule a nutritionist today. I am glad it didn't work out, because it would have been too much. 

I have some pain in my body. It's very likely that it was caused by my mattress. I will try to convince my dad to buy me one by the end of the week. 

But anyway, the most important thing I have to do today is to go to the psychiatrist. Just showing up is enough. 

I will report how the consultation went later today (or tomorrow).