Keeping Track of My Depression

[kag101]

Yesterday - Trying To Snap Out of Depression Through Work & Exercising

Sometimes when I’m depressed, I wish I could fast-forward to when I’m feeling normal again. The thing is that I can’t really force myself to get out of that state. I have tried in the past, and it sure doesn’t work. I think neurotic action can elongate the depression even more.   

My dog is sick, so my mom is feeling very sad. And I don’t want to add to her suffering the fact that I'm not feeling good. I have been using work and exercising as a way to "alleviate" (aka run away from) depression. I guilt myself for doing that, because I know I’m just distracting myself. And I know I can go to the other extreme and end up feeling worse than if I had just laid in bed all day. I'm observing whether I overdo work or gym. 

For example, yesterday I woke up feeling very depressed. No motivation at all. Then, a friend came over. I wasn’t in the mood for socializing, so I decided to leave her with my mom and give the excuse that I had to work on a project. In reality, I didn't need to work at that moment, but I decided to run away from the situation by doing something "productive". 

After I finished, I felt slightly better. I socialized a little bit. It wasn’t really authentic, but at least it was something. But the bad feelings were still there. So I wanted to jump in the pool and swim. But that would have been really neurotic, because it was really cold and windy. It reminded me when I used to take cold showers in the winter three years ago. It’s like a self-punishment type of thing. 

But I really wanted to move my body and sweat. So I went to the gym and used the elliptical for 30 minutes. I was feeling some discomfort in my body, but I decided to keep doing it.  Fear has been really present lately. As I’m doing something, my inner voice keeps telling me to stop what I’m doing because I will hurt myself. But I just didn’t want to deal with those negative feelings. So I deliberately ignored my inner voice and completed the exercise. After I finished it, I was feeling relatively better, but there was some pain in my body (which is something that always worries me. 

Then, I came back home. I interacted, but in an artificial way. It was as if I had taken a drug. To be honest, I prefer to interact artificially than being in that fucked up depressed state. The only problem is that I can get overexcited and start making plans for things I don’t really want to do. It's a very unstable type of joy. I can lose it at anytime. 

Another friend was going to come here, but I procrastinated. Even though I really like him, even interacting with a close-friend is challenging when I’m down. In fact, being in the presence of anyone becomes a really uncomfortable thing. The only thing I want to do is lay and use the computer. Then, eat junk food. And come back to bed. It’s a vicious cycle.

The world starts to seem like a very uninteresting place. I feel numb to everything. And I feel nobody would understand me, so I feel there's no point in even trying to opening up with someone. There's so much pain that no amount of talking could help me get out of it. And everything seems complicated. The medication would supposedly help alleviate the symptoms, but they are still happening.

 

Today

Today is my mom’s birthday, but she's sad because we just found out that my dog has a huge tumor in his liver. I worry about my mom, because she’s going through very difficult times lately.

I woke up today at about 9:30 am. I was about to sleep again, but there was a spark in me to wake up. When I’m depressed, I sleep as much as my body can -- just so I don’t have to deal with reality. Of course, that doesn’t really work, because when I do wake up, I am feeling shittier than ever.

But today that didn’t happen. I thought I wasn’t depressed anymore, and I was even excited for the day. I decided to swim. I was able to get out of depression last week through swimming. However, a friend gave me some swimming instructions the other day, which made me feel very confused because I couldn’t really catch on. All I wanted to do was move my body, even though I had a bad technique. When I use to give language classes, I could notice how a person would get blocked if I corrected him too much. So I decided to swim “freely”.

After 10 minutes, I was tired and very cold. I wanted to force myself to keep doing it, but I could see how that wouldn’t work. It would cause a backlash, and if I kept doing that I could likely get aversed to swimming. And that's supposed to be a pleasurable thing. In fact, lack of pleasure is one of the signs of depression. 

Then, I went to my room and I was feeling very scared. I feared that I was going to break out. That I had pushed the rubber-band too much and it was going to break. I laid on my bed, and slept for a couple more hours.

Immediately after waking up, I went to the gym and went on the elliptical once again. My middle back was aching a little bit. But I did 30 minutes once again.

I came back home, and my mom had gotten back from the vet. I couldn’t take any criticism because I was too fragile. She complained how I didn’t feed our other dog. I felt very guilty for forgetting about that.

Then, I had lunch and laid in my bed for rest of the afternoon. And now I’m writing here. I don’t feel good. I feel gloomy. And I hope this passes quickly. I want to be me again. I don't like my "ghost" version. I don't want the hyperactive version also. I just want to feel okay. Is that too much to ask? 

Edited May 10, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Quote

“No amount of love can cure madness or unblacken one's dark moods. Love can help, it can make the pain more tolerable, but, always, one is beholden to medication that may or may not always work and may or may not be bearable”

- Kay Redfield Jamison 

 

Beating Myself Up 

Yesterday it became very clear how forcing myself to do stuff, while I'm depressed, not only doesn't help me, but it harms me.

Towards the end of the day, depression dissapeared. It's so crazy how depression kicks in out of nowhere, and out of nowhere it goes away. It's not something I can rush. I think the best thing to do is doing nothing. Preserving myself and not caring about self-shaming thoughts, such as:

"You're eating too much! You're going to get as fat as a whale"

 "If you don't take action, you'll be depressed forever"

"Dude, you're such a horrible human being for not wanting to see your friends! Go socialize!"

 

 

What Neurotic Action Does To A Depressed Person

After depression went away, I realized how all the excessive exercising and working that I had done to desperately try to change my state of mind only harmed me. It did not help at all. I was feeling a lot of pain in my body. I'm glad I didn't force myself too much, because the I could have gotten an injury or something. And some people are in that mindset of "taking action" for years, and when they burn out, it's really intense and traumatic. I'm glad I burn out quickly. Hehe... 

When depression is not there, everything seems easier and doable. Sure, there are negative things about my life and the world, but they do not get so overwhelming. I have to understand that depression is a mental illness. Telling myself to take action is just like telling someone who has the flu something like, "Oh... don't stay in bed. Take action, man! Don't be such a lazy spoiled brat." No, no, no. Exactly the opposite: rest is needed. 

While I was taking too much action, I was observing myself and could see how I had tried doing that in the past, and failed miserably. I think it's natural to make mistakes, and to even repeat mistakes. But at least, the degree of the mistakes I am making is lessening.

 

The Cause For My Euphoric Episodes 

Another insight I got is that maybe my maniac episodes (euphoric) were probably all self-inflicted. They happen when I am low in energy and I do not accept that, and try to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Then, I force myself to take desesperate action. Eventually, I go from depression to the other extreme.

In my experience, euphoria is much worse than depression, because overwhelming amount of energy can make me feel very irritable and neurotic. So I end up harming people that I like & my body (for overusing it). That being said, staying bed all day is indeed harmful, but it's not as bad as doing neurotic action. 

That insight was a relief, because I really don't want to take lithium, which is the most common medication for bipolar disorder. I hope my insight is accurate. Depression alone is enough. Hehe... 

 

Changing Psychiatrist

I will probably see my dad tomorrow, and I will try to tell him how I honestly feel about my psychiatrist. I feel he treats me like a retard, as if I was 4 years old. I do NOT need someone to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. He's very insensitive, and I don't feel a heart-to-heart connection with him. Because he scolds me so much, and that makes me not want to open up to him. 

 

?

[kag101]

5-12-2019 - Sunday (Yesterday)

 

My LIttle Step-Brother Upbringing

Today I went to my dad’s house. I get emotionally triggered by the way they raise my little step-brother. They are too authoritarian. I want to speak up, but I also don’t want war. I fear of giving in to anger and act out and do something that I will regret afterwards. There’s too much war in the world already. And, as the Buddha said, “hatred never ceases by hatred but by love alone is healed.”

I used to be very passive with the way they treat my little brother. I would not speak up. And that was mainly because I had depression almost all the time (combined with social anxiety). At a certain point, I was highly provocative and verbally aggressive with them. I was acting out of anger. And this did not help at all. In fact, it only did harm. Both extremes are not good. I want to find a middle ground, where I can defend my little brother from the emotional abuse he experiences, while not being verbally aggressive with my dad and his wife.

I have to understand that there is a hierarchy. The authority is my dad and his wife. No question about that. If I want to fight against the hierarchy, this will not work. In the presence of my brother, I have to be in my dad’s side. I have to tell him things such as “be an obedient boy”. Obviously, I will not be authoritative, I can do so in a loving way.

 

Talking With Dad About Psychiatrist (Finally!!! )

I am glad I talked with my dad about how I don’t like my psychiatrist. I was able to be very convincing. Even though I was nervous as I was talking, I think I did it quite well. I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone in an organic way. I am grateful that this happened. It was in no way neurotic, such as:
 

Quote

 

“JUST DO IT MAN! SPEAK EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES. SPEAK YOUR MIND!!! STEP INTO RADICAL ACTION!! OR ELSE YOU’LL BE A FRAGILE PERSON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. LIFE IS OUTSIDE OF THE COMFORT ZONE!!!”

- My Inner Critic Motivating Me

 

Fortunately, courage bubbled up naturally, and it happened.

 

Mother’s Day

Today was Mother’s Day, and I was feeling very happy and excited. I like when I am in a good mood. But, again, because I didn’t sleep well, I was very prone to getting irritated and euphoric. And both of these feelings are very toxic. They are part of life, but I have to remind myself that I should be in charge of anger and euphoria -- not the other way around.

I didn’t sleep a lot today. When that happens, I get worried about getting into silly arguments. I must remind myself that “This too shall pass. When you don't sleep well, you get irritated.” This way, I don’t do stupid shit. Not sleeping much also makes me fear I might jump from depression (too much sleep) to euphoria (too little sleep)

Tomorrow I will work on the translation project, and I will call the mattress company to see if they have accepted refunding the mattress. It’s really annoying to sleep at my mom’s room. She’s sleeping at mine. I’m so grateful that she has accepted sleeping in my room, while I don’t have a mattress that’s comfortable. I hope to find one soon!

My mom rocks, seriously! She’s very supportive and selfless.

I am also really grateful that depression was not present today. I hope it doesn’t come back soon. When depression is present, the world seems to suck. Nothing is pleasant. All I can see is the ocean of tears of the world. But, right now, because I am in an apparently healthy mood, I can see that life contains positive and negative things. And the negative things are bearable. The suffering I experience with depression is NOT bearable. That’s why I numb out. The pain is too difficult to bear.

But I have to be open to the possibility that I am hypomaniac. Yes, I am pretty sure I am. Here's from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania

Quote

Hypomania (literally "under mania" or "less than mania") is a mood state characterized by persistent disinhibition and mood elevation (euphoria). It may involve irritation, but less severely than full mania. According to DSM-5 criteria, hypomania is distinct from mania in that there is no significant functional impairment; mania, by DSM-5 definition, does include significant functional impairment and may have psychotic features.

Characteristic behaviors of persons experiencing hypomania are a notable decrease in the need for sleep, an overall increase in energy, unusual behaviors and actions, and a markedly distinctive increase in talkativeness and confidence, commonly exhibited with a flight of creative ideas. Other symptoms related to this may include feelings of grandiosity, distractibility, and hypersexuality.[1] While hypomanic behavior often generates productivity and excitement, it can become troublesome if the subject engages in risky or otherwise inadvisable behaviors, and/or the symptoms manifest themselves in trouble with everyday life events.[2] When manic episodes are separated into stages of a progression according to symptomatic severity and associated features, hypomania constitutes the first stage of the syndrome, wherein the cardinal features (euphoria or heightened irritability, pressure of speech and activity, increased energy, decreased need for sleep, and flight of ideas) are most plainly evident.

 

Deleting Cringey Facebook Posts

I deleted some old facebook posts yesterday. It was very emotionally challenging. But I did it. I was able to see how much I have progressed in two years. Back then, I was EXTREMELY lost. And now I do have my low days, but I feel more healthy. I backslide sometimes into neuroticism, but it usually goes away quickly.

 

Speech Therapist

I also need to go to a speech therapist.

However, it’s crystal-clear to me how treating my mental healthy is my number 1 priority. If I don’t get it handled, nothing else matters. I can go to the best speech therapist in the world, but it will not work. It saddens me how psychiatry has such a bad reputation. Some people demonize it like this:

 

Quote

“JUST DO YOGA AND GO TO NATURE, MAN! You don’t need those evil pills from the pharmaceutical cartel. Just take this ayahuasca, man…. It’s natural… It will cure all diseases. Quantum physics proves it.”

- New Ager 

 

Well, the overwhelming majority of psychiatrists are indeed shitty, and there’s a dark side to the industry. But it’s a necessary evil. If it weren’t an industry, there would be no investment in research. I am grateful that I live in today’s world.

 

- Author of the book “An Unquiet Mind”

 

Fake Optimism?

I feel optimistic. The path to dealing with depression seems to not be as difficult as I thought. It’s actually pretty simple. Sometimes simple things are harder than complicated things. And I fear I might be in just a euphoric episode, and I am just deluded with positivity.

 

Quote

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

 

 

Right now, I am very tired. I took a painkiller (with muscular relaxation component). And I also took an antialergic that helps me fall asleep. Too many pills, goddamn! 

 

That’s it for today. Thanks for reading! Have a great week! 

[kag101]

I keep forgetting if I took my meds or not. 

So I will post here how many of Venlafaxin I got left:

10

[kag101]

Things to write about: 

- Experiment - Using Rapé Only 3x A Day for 30 days 

- Overcoming My Biggest Trauma: My Parent's Divorce 

 

@Iiris @Nahm @Zigzag Idiot I will write about these topics tomorrow. I think you guys are going to enjoy reading them  

Edited May 23, 2019 by kag101

[DrewNows]

@kag101 hey buddy! I just finished skimming through your journal. I diagnosed bipolar about 4ish years ago. We have a lot in common. Parents divorce is also my biggest trauma. I’d like to chat more, maybe private message 

great work btw! 

[kag101]

Keeping Track Of Shamanic Snuff, New Medication & Rogaine [30 days] 

This powder is useful for focusing the mind, and it also helps me evacuate.

I think this is the only psychoactive that I can use safely. It gives no paranoia, unlike marijuana and ayahuasca.

Problem is, I have to be careful with how many times a day I use. It has nicotine, so it can be addictive. The ideal is 3 times a day, and the maximum is 10 times a day. More than that, it’s becomes very dangerous for my mental health.

 

Day 1 (5-23-2019)

I used only one time. It was in the evening. I couldn’t poop, so I applied some of it to help me out with that. I was scared of freaking out, because I have been very emotionally fragile lately. 

 

Day 2 (5-24-2019)

Today I woke up at 4:00 AM, and I already used it 3 times. First when I woke up. Then the other two to help me poop. 

I am about to use another time. But I don’t want to go beyond 6 or 7 times today. So, I can use at 10 AM, 3 PM, and 8 PM. 

I will post it here by the end of the day, how many times I used.

 

New Medication - Antipsychotic 

I started a new medication. It’s an anti-psychotic called Quetiapine. I take 25 mg 3 times a day, and 100 mg before going to bed.

It’s a great medication because it calms my psychotic thoughts, and it helps me fall asleep.

Ideally I should use at: 

10 AM  - 25mg 

2 PM - 25mg 

5 PM - 25mg 

8 PM - 100mg

Because I woke up at 4 AM, I already took 2 pills out of the 4. I am sleepy, so I will have a coffee soon. 

 

I am curious to see how this new medication will interact with rapé. I will keep track of those for 30 days, that is, until June 22nd (Saturday). 

 

Minoxidil 

I am also thinking of start using minoxidil for hair loss. Maybe it's not the right time to do so. But anyway, I should use it 2x a day.

I tried last year, but I didn't stick with it, because my depression treatment is way more important. Maybe I should start using it in July. 

 

Have a great day, all! 

 

----

 

13 hours ago, DrewNows said:

hey buddy! I just finished skimming through your journal. I diagnosed bipolar about 4ish years ago. We have a lot in common. Parents divorce is also my biggest trauma. I’d like to chat more, maybe private message 

great work btw! 

Hi, thanks for the compliment! DId you self-diagonosed with bipolar disorder? Or was it a psychiatrist? 

Feel free to reply here, or send me private messages  

Edited May 24, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Keeping Track Of Shamanic Snuff, New Medication & Rogaine [30 days] 

Day 2 [5-25-2019]

> I decided I will not use rogaine for now. I will wait these 30 days to pass, then I will probably go to a dermatologist that is specialized in hair loss to check that out. So in the beginning of June. 

> I used shamanic snuff 8x. This is a lot, and it is unhealthy. 

> I had two difficult conversations with my mom and dad.

 

Mom: I talked about my sexuality. I am coming out gradually. I already told my mom and sister that I am homosexual. At first they didn't really believe it, because I am a masculine guy. But yesterday I was crystal clear to my mom that "I am homosexual". I didn't allow her to deny that.

Quote

 

Mom: "Oh... you're still figuring it out".

Me: NO! SHUT UP! I know my sexual orientation; you do not. 

 

 

Dad: I talked about the way he never deals with difficult stuff.

I also talked about soccer and how sometimes the players who do the most for the team are not valued by the fans. I gave an example of a midfield that played for São Paulo Futebol Clube in 2005 called Danilo.

Here is Danilo in the semi-final of the 2005 FIFA Club World Cup against Al-Ittihad

The fans hated him, because he was very slow. But he was essential to the team, as he was very constant and decisive. 

By the way, we won that year. The final was against Liverpool. Here's Rogerio Ceni (our captain) greeting Steven Gerrard, lol:

So, in a nutshell, my dad is comparable to Danilo. He is a very important player but very underrated. 

 

I didn't really talk about my sexuality with my dad today. We talked more about my psychiatrist

And my dad probably already knows that I am gay (I told my step-mom last week). I am waiting for the right time to look him straight in the eye and say: 

Quote

"Dad, I am homosexual." 

This is an important thing. I will probably do it after this 30-day "challenge" ends. So probably at the end of June. 

 

>> I used Quetiapine 2x extra times. I contacted my psychiatrist, and he told me that was ok, because I had two difficult conversations.

 

Day 3 [5-26-2019] 

6:00 AM

> I woke up at 4:30 AM. I wanted to use rapé (shamanic snuff), but I negotiated with myself. First I would have something to eat. Then, I took a shower. And now I am writing here. It's 6:00 AM right now. After I am done here, I will probably use some rapé, then go to the market to buy some bread. I want to use it maximum 5 times. 

>> I already took quetiapine and venlafaxine (antidepressant).

So, I need to take quetiapine 3 more times (10:30 AM and 4:30 PM, and at 8 PM)  

>> I woke up feeling achy. I will probably take pregabalin (Lyrica). I want to see if it works. Or maybe I will use miozan. I don't know. 

>> I am kinda sleepy. 

 

Thanks for reading! And remember: mental illness is not a joke! Seek professional help! You deserve to be happy!  

[kag101]

Day 3 [5-26-2019] 

5:44 PM 

I got kind of paranoid earlier today, and I still am. I talked with my psychiatrist and we decided to raise the dosage for the anti-psychotic medication. 

I am really worried that I shouldn't be using rapé. I already used it 6 times today. And I am about to use it again. I know it's not doing me any good. And I'm worried of freaking out. And I hate how I can't stop using it. I am so worried that it will mess with the medication. And I feel there is no one I can't talk with. No one will understand how I am feeling. 

And today I just feel a dull feeling of emptiness. No aliveness. Kind of numb. And I am just scared I will not get better off. I want to feel healthy again. 

Well, I will take 3 pills of the anti-psychotic at 8 PM. I hope I get better. I will try to use rapé only 2 more times today. I have to remind myself to be patient. 

[DrewNows]

What is the type of therapy? 

[kag101]

Day 4 [5-26-2019] 

10:44 am 

I woke up at 8 am today, which is way better than 4 am. First thing I did was take Venlafaxine (the antidepressant) and Quetiapine (the antipsychotic). 

I woke up feeling constipated, though.

So I made some oatmeal, had a papaya shake, ate lettuce, and ate some whole-wheat bread. Oh, and I drank some water with lemon and some turmeric, which always help me defecate, for some reason. 

It was 9 am, and I still couldn't poop. It's such a frustrating feeling. So I decided to use rapé (shamanic snuff), because it helps a lot to poop. Five minutes afterwards, I took a very nice shit, hehe   

Then, I was having breakfast with my mom, and I started to get irritated out of nowhere. So instead of taking the second dosage of the antipsychotic at 12 pm, I took it at like 10 am. This is not good. I need to respect the schedule. 

 

My Quetiapine (antipsychotic) schedule is: 

Quote

 

8 am - 25mg

12 pm - 25mg

4 pm - 25mg

8 pm - 25mg 

10 pm - 150mg 

 

I have to stick with those times. Taking them earlier and/or more often will not help me. 

Oh, and I also took Tylenol, because I was feeling I was catching a cold. I will take it again at about 3 pm. 

 

So, after I'm done here, I will use some rapé. And have something to eat. I will try to use it in the following times, and use the following types of rapé:

Quote

 

11 am - Tsunu with mint

4 pm - Clove  

8 pm - Samaúma

 

Rapé is made out of a specific type of tobacco (called Moe) with tree bark. It helps me to defecate more easily and to focus my mind into the present moment, to feel completely rooted in the here and now. 

Check it out how, for example, a Samaúma looks like: 

And here's a rapé of Samaúma: 

 

17 hours ago, DrewNows said:

What is the type of therapy? 

I'm currently not doing therapy. Only psychiatric treatment. My psychiatrist is also a therapist though. I think he is Jungian, but I'm not sure. We only talk about my mood and mental health. We don't get into personal things. It's a very scientific type of thing.

I am not a fan of therapy, because I think there's a lot of mumbo jumbo and excessive talking. But I intend to start it in the future, probably one or two months from now. I will search for a good one at www.doctarlia.com.br, which is a great site, because they allow users to review the doctors. 

Thanks for your question! Have a great week! (=

[kag101]

Day 5 [5-27-2019] 

It's 2:10 am (5-28) right now. 

>> I woke up at around 7:30 am today. I woke up feeling very well. Taking 3 pills of Quetiapine (150mg) is definitely the right dosage at night. 

>> I started to get irritated as the hours pass by, though. Then, I had an extra 25mg pill.

>> I was able to poop easily today. It blows me away how I take pooping for granted. It's such a miracle and a blessing when it happens...

>> I contacted my psychiatrist via WhatsApp. He was dry (as usual), but he told me I should indeed take an extra pill. And he also suggested me to go there today. 

>> I had an argument with my older sister (she's 3 years older than me) about depression. She wouldn't let me finish my sentences. Then, at one moment I shouted, "IT'S A FUCKING ILLNESS!" She was giving me a shallow advice of like, "Go out and do something, then you'll feel better." I mean, I have been studying self-development for 11-fucking-years... But anyway, she understood my point. 

 

The consultation went fine. We decided to take away the anti-depressant (venlafaxine), and increase the dosage of the anti-psychotic (quetiapine). So here's my new Quetiapine schedule: 

Quote

 

8 am - 50mg

11 pm - 25mg

2 pm - 25mg

4 pm - 25mg 

7pm - 25 mg

10 pm - 150mg 

Total: 300mg 

 

This is a high dosage, but it's a very safe medication. In case of overdose, it likely only makes the person sedated. 

 

I don't have to be very rigid with the times. And I can skip a 25mg if I need to. Because I am stopping the antidepressant, I might feel nauseated. In that case, I should contact my psychiatrist and take an anti-nausea medication. 

 

Shamanic Snuff - Using More Than 10 Times, But It Wasn't a Big Deal 

I used rape about 12 times today. I know this looks like it was a lot, but I took very small dosages. I should probably change the way I measure how much rapé I take daily. Maybe I should calculated the grams.

Anyway, it was definitely more than I should take, but it was nothing big. I was worrying that rapé and anti-psychotic wouldn't be a good combination, but it seems as though it is. Rapé is known for taking away paranoia attacks in people who are tripping in ayahuasca. So I guess it's a very safe drug. 

 

Eating & Nausea

I ate a lot today. I binged in the afternoon. Then I had a good nap, and I woke up more lucid. I didn't guilt myself for eating too much, but I also didn't go on "neurotic anorexic mode". I also did very good at WhatsApp. I am able to say no, and not feel guilty about it.

I am feeling a slight nausea right now. I will probably have something to eat, then try to sleep.

 

Thanks for reading! =) 

[kag101]

Day 6 [5-28-2019] 

It's 1:38 am (5-29) right now. 

>> I woke up at around 8:30 am today. I think I woke up due to the construction site nearby. Even though I use ear plugs, the sound of the hammer still wakes me up. 

>> I started to get irritated as the hours pass by. But I realized today that my anger is totally justifiable. We live in a f-up world, because:

 

 

I am in a moment of my life that I am going back a few stages, and mastering spiral dynamics stage red. It's a self-affirmation type of thing, of learning how to say "No!", to protect my ego (aka inner child). If I want to transcend the ego, first I need to develop a healthy one. 

Quote

"Self-affirmation theory proposes that individuals are driven to protect their self-integrity."

Read more at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-affirmation

But I do recognize that I need medication, at least for now. I carry too much rage inside me. And if I don't have my pills daily, I freak out and start to think the world is against me. But truth is, the world doesn't give a fuck about me. And that is liberating. =) 

 

MY DOG PASSED AWAY -- HERE'S WHAT I LEARNT WITH THIS EXPERIENCE

I went with my mom to the vet to see if the liver tumor my dog Josh had could be solved with surgery. It was a high risk one, and unfortunately he passed away.

 

Quote

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to that loss.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away. The grief associated with death is familiar to most people, but individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health or the end of a relationship.[1] Loss can be categorized as either physical or abstract,[2] the physical loss being related to something that the individual can touch or measure, such as losing a spouse through death, while other types of loss are abstract, and relate to aspects of a person’s social interactions.[3]

More at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief

 

This was the first time in my life that I experienced death with a being that I liked.

Interesting facts:

1- He passed away two weeks after I finally broke the silence with my dad, and told him about how I truly felt.

2- My parents separated when I was 8. And Josh was 8.

3- If I was a new-ager, i would say that my dog had picked up the energetic imbalance in the field, and he was a martyr because thanks to him the tumor didn't go to me, but to him. It was HUGE. Like 6 inches, and he was a small dog (ilhasa apso).

 

 

 

DEPRESSION VS GRIEF - WHAT IS TOUGHER?

I haven't had a depressive mood in about a month. I think this has never happened in my life. It's funny how I used to think psychiatric medication didn't work, that it was only a way for the pharmaceutical industry to make money off of people. But they do work. I think I have finally found the right med for me. It's called Quetiapine. It works with depression, bipolar disorder, and paranoia. And it also gives me a very good night of sleep. 

But anyway, my point is: yes, losing a pet is uncomfortable and it sucks. But it is nowhere near as complicated as having a major depressive episode, because at least I know that my sadness and grieving has a clear cause: my dog died. But with depression, it comes out of nowhere. 

I have finally understood the importance of grieving. And how the West African Shaman Malidomá Somé said about western people, 

 

Quote

"Your streets are full of the ungrieved dead." 

 

That is, if we don't allow ourselves to go through all the stages of the grief process, we will become fragmented. Grieving is like raining season. It's necessary. But too much of it will cause problems. People worry too much about the environmental changes (such as climate change, acid rain, overpopulation). But the thing that we should really focus on is our inner environmental changes. Are we crying too much, or nothing at all? Do we have a lot of toxic feelings? It's all analogous. Nature works with patterns. In other words, 

Crying too much = too much rain

Not crying at all = too little rain 

If something is not right, then a good psychiatrist can certainly help! It's no use meditating 4 hours a day, if you still have unfinished business and traumas to resolve.

 

Grieving is a necessary part of life. Sure, I can't get too attached to that, but it is something natural and healthy. When I was depressed, I couldn't feel anything. Because my emotions were too intense, I stopped feeling all emotions. I got numb as a way to protect myself. But now, I can live life without letting fear run my life. I feel alive as I grieve for my pet. When I was alone with him, I listened to Jack Kornfield's guided meditation on forgiveness. It's so beautiful:

 

 

Quote

"If you haven't wept, you haven't really started to meditate." -- Ajahn Chahn 

"Let the tears come, they are the Tears of The Way, even if you feel self-pity, allow the tears to come and unfreeze your heart."

 

 

OTHER INFORMATION

>> I was able to poop today. Hooray! I also ate relatively health. It was too much, but I got surprised by how I can still function with high stress. This is great of my self-confidence  

>> During the evening, I contacted my psychiatrist via WhatsApp, because I thought I had stepped on glass. Fortunately, my mom went to the ER with me, and it turned out it was nothing, just a blister. The doctor was REALLY good. He was very calm, yet he was very confident in what he was saying. 

>> I realized I am a little hypochondriac today. Here's from Wikipedia:

 

Quote

Hypochondriasis is a condition in which a person is excessively and unduly worried about having a serious illness. An old concept, its meaning has repeatedly changed due to redefinitions in its source metaphors.[1] It has been claimed that this debilitating condition results from an inaccurate perception of the condition of body or mind despite the absence of an actual medical diagnosis.[2] An individual with hypochondriasis is known as a hypochondriac. Hypochondriacs become unduly alarmed about any physical or psychological symptoms they detect, no matter how minor the symptom may be, and are convinced that they or others have, or are about to be diagnosed with, a serious illness.[3]Read more at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypochondriasis.

Read more at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypochondriasis

 

>> I took my meds correctly. 

>> I used rape 7 or 8 times today. It was a little bit too much, but at least I am reducing how many times I have it. 

>> Now that depression is no longer present, I can see how amazing I am. I am now valuing all the things that I have done in my life. I feel my thoughts are sharper. And I am able to use my energy more wisely. And everything comes naturally

 

Thanks for reading! =) 

Edited May 29, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 7 [5-29-2019] 

Today I woke up in a bad mood. My mouth was dry; the construction workers next to my house were making a lot of noise by talking and by hammering; and I only slept for 4 hours. 

Because depression was not there, I was able to "take a sad song and make it better." I took a warm shower. I was easy on my self. That made me feel much better.

Then, at about noon, I took a 2-hour nap. Sleep is essential for my well-being and mental health. 

I had low energy today, but I was still able to have a good day, with no neurosis.

 

>> I have had heartburn lately. I will use sodium bicarbonate to help with that. 

>> I was able to start organizing my pictures. And I want to figure out how to use google photos and how to backup my WhatsApp conversations. 

 

MY DOGS

I walked my smaller dog with my mom.

And I played a lot with my bigger dog. He is very loyal, and he teaches me a lot about trust. I am training him, and it's been a fun experience. He's improving a lot. For example, he is now able to let go of his ball.

 

LETTING GO OF PEOPLE WHO NO LONGER SERVE ME

First of all, I am gay. 

I let go of some guys I was chatting with that were only make me lose my energy. And I also silenced a bunch of people on Instagram. 

 

GRATITUDE FOR MY MEDICATION - QUETIAPINE

I took my medicine correctly, and I overused rapé. I probably took it about 10 times today. It is a lot and counterproductive. I should aim to use it no more than 5 times a day. My nose is starting to get affected by it. It does help me go to the toilet though. It's a relief to poop. 

But anyway, I am really grateful to have found this great medication I am using (Quetiapine). It helps calm down my anxiety, and kick out depression. 

I feel rejuvenated. For the first in years, I feel I am really my age. I always felt like I was older than my real age. But lately, I feel like I am really 22. I am a young adult who is full of vitality and is somewhat anxious sometimes. 

Yes, I do fear having a depressive, euphoric, or paranoid episode. But I know that if I do, there will be good doctors that I can contact to help me regain my emotional balance.

Oh, and I found a really good psychiatrist called Dr Walmor. He lives in the Amazon, and he is a specialist in Ayahuasca. I might do an online consultation with him. 

I am more and more organized. After the new medication kicked in, I naturally want to be more organized. It's something organic.

 

WORK

A former English student contacted me. I am so much more ready to give classes nowadays. She is going to travel to Chicago in July. I asked her to sent me through email each and every place she will be visiting. If she doesn't send me this email, then I will not accept the class. 

I also want to contact a client who is very rude and dry, but the job she asked me to do is very pleasant. It is a translation of a how-to video. But honestly, I don't feel like contacting her. She's stupid and reckless with other people. But anyway, I will try to figure that out. I know that being neurotic about making money is not a good strategy. 

 

INTRODUCING YOU GUYS TO KAY REDFIELD

If you're suffering from depression, suicidal ideation, psychosis; keep in mind that there is hope. You just have to find a good psychiatrist so that you can start taking the right medication for you. Here's a quote bu Kay Redfield, one of the most influential psychiatrists in Bipolar Disorder, writer of the bestselling book "An Unquiet Mind": 

 

 

And remember: things will not figure themselves out. Your brain is ill. And medication is needed:

 

 

 

Thank you for reading!  Leave a comment if you want, or a private message :-)

All the best to you all, and seek professional and qualified help! 

Cheers from Brazil ✌

Edited May 30, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 8 [5-30-2019] 

Bad Sleep & Mood

Once again, I didn't sleep well. The construction workers don't give a damn about other people. They make a lot of noise at 7 AM. They talk loudly, and they hammer a lot. Ugh... But anyway, I was glad I woke up early because I could wish my sister a good American Work Visa interview. Fortunately, she passed. 

I was in a bad mood pretty much all day. I was running around all day. I was able to go to the market and be very straightforward into buying the things I really needed. I made a list. I used colors and symbols, because this helps the brain to remember it. I am glad I went to the workshop on Mind Mapping in 2008.

 

Being More Rigid Is Not The Answer; Medication Is 

I have always thought that I needed more rigidity, more discipline. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I already am very disciplined and organized. Strangely enough, I am a Virgo, with my ascendent in Scorpio. But anyway, now that the medication is kicking in I can see how much I was under depression's control. Not to demonize it, but let's be clear: it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. You can solve it through thinking, meditation, sports, etc. Medication is needed. 

I used to fear a lot on the side effects of antidepressants. But the real problem is caused not by the meds, but by depression. At 17, I began to lose my hair, got gray hair, was feeling pain throughout my body, had low energy, couldn't think fast, etc. 

I am so fucking grateful that I started psychiatric treatment. Yes, my psychiatrist isn't the best. Far from that, he's pretty mediocre. But I have found one who is likely the highest authority in Ayahuasca, called Dr. Wilson Gonzaga da Costa. I don't plan on drinking the tea again, but I think this guy has a more holistic approach to healing.

 

Coming Out As Gay 

I want to finish the cycle with the psychiatrist I am currently with. I think I will probably still go to 3-5 consultations with him. I am coming out as homosexual, and he is helping me with that. He himself is gay, and he is very well-resolved. So he can help me out with that. I was able to be authentic with him for the first time 2-3 weeks ago.

I had started to take a medication called Zetron, that made me go very energetic. I am glad I finally talked wholeheartedly with my dad, mom, sister, and step-mom about how I truly felt about my dad's divorce. I got into some pretty unpleasant conflicts with each of them, but I think they were all necessary. For too long I repressed my voice, and it was time to give my inner child permission to express its emotions. 

I didn't realize how important coming out is. It's life-changing. Here are some tips: http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/process-coming-out

 

Productive Conversations & The Phase I Am In Right Now

I had a very productive conversation with my dad today, also. I want to go to a psychologist I went 3 years ago. She saw how worse off I was, and she is very sensitive. So I know it will be a meaningful conversation. Her name is Emilia. 

A former student contacted me to give her English classes. She will be going to Chicago in a month, and I am going to do some research to see if I can really help her. Getting some money right now would be a really good thing! But I don' t want to bite more than I can chew. I got to take it easy; one step at a time. Otherwise, I will burn out. I know this may seem like a placebo, but I feel protected with my medication. I know that if I am too agitated, anxious, etc.; I can contact a psychiatrist. I do not need, nor can I solve depression by myself. I need professional and qualified help. 

A very close friend of mine is likely depressed. I worry about him, because he is very resistant to starting a psychiatric treatment. But either way, I need to focus on myself alone. I am the one who needs loving-attention. Speaking of which, I am training my big dog some tricks. I use a lot of treats so I can convince him to do what I want. And it works. It's a fun experience. 

I am in a moment of my life of integration. Over the past 11 years, I  have studied many, many things. And they were all buried in my subconscious mind, because I didn't have vital energy to act on it. And if I did force myself to act, it was a crappy action. Sure, I can go through the motions and build momentum, but most of the times no amount of will-power can help, as I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

Other Information

>> I used rape about 8 or 9 times. But it was mainly to help me poop. I am a little aversed to the smell of shamanic snuffs. I think I will stop using it in the next 3 months (8-31-2019) 

>> I took my last dosage of Quetiapine 2 hours go, so I am really sleepy right now. This is one of the medications that sedates the person the most. And it gives a very restful sleep. I just hope the construction workers don't make a lot of noise... I will use the ear plug, but oftentimes this is not enough... =/ 

>> I masturbated twice today. Almost in-a-row. That's very uncommon to me, and it felt really nice and relaxing. I am glad I got nice erections, and the orgasms were satisfying 

 

What to do tomorrow (5-31-2019):

>> Take pictures of my sofa, and sent to the couch repair guy. 

>> Schedule a session with my psychologist Emilia. 

>> Read: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/addiction-in-society/201112/the-seductive-dangerous-allure-gabor-mat (@Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj, I remember you shared some stuff about Dr Garbor Mate on your journal, so I thought this article might interest you ) 

 

Thanks for reading! 

Feel free to leave a comment  

Edited May 31, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 9 [5-31-2019] 

>> Once again, I woke up due to the noise of the construction. It pisses me off that they make A LOT of noise at 7 am, but after 11 am, it is very silent. I am like, WTF? They don't give a shit about other people who live close by. Ugh! 

>> My new med (Quetiapine) is helping me a lot regulate my sleep. It gives me a very natural and restful night of sleep

>> I used rapé about 8 or 9 times. It is definitely too much. But my goal is to use it 3x a day after the 30-day-challenge is over. I am still on day 9, so I got time. 

>> I have been using saline to clear my nose. I didn't know it had so many health benefits. 

>> I have some pain in my body. The weather where I live is changing a lot recently. Like, one day is hot. The other is cold. Then the other one is rainy and cloudy. So, it is very easy to catch a cold. I am using Tylenol to help me not catch a cold and to alleviate my muscular tension... 

>> I had allergy for the first time as far as I can remember. It's a very annoying thing. I took Promethazine for that. I used to take this medicine a few months ago to help me fall asleep. It's an anti-allergic that the most common side effect is for the person to get sleepy. 

>> I want to go to my friend's house today. I am just worried that I will get sleepy very soon. It's 9:39 PM right now. And at 10 PM, I should take 150 mg of Quetiapine. And this med makes me VERY sleepy. Also combined with Promethazine, I will likely fall asleep very soon.

I don't know... maybe I will stay at home. Haha, if it were a year ago, I would already be at my friend's lol. I was so neurotic about "going out", especially on Fridays, where I had this idea that "I need to go out. I can't stay at my house. I need to 'live life'". 

I guess I can take 1 pill right now (50 mg), then the other in another hour (50 mg), and the last one when I get home (50 mg). I think it's okay to do that.

I plan to arrive at my friends' at 10:20 PM and maybe stay there till midnight. I will very likely go there, because I also need to go to the pharmacy to buy an ointment for some dyshidrosis that I have on my feet.

>> Oh, and by the way, dyshidrosis, is a type of dermatitis, that is characterized by itchy blisters on the palms of the hands and bottoms of the feet.

Thanks for reading  

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

On 2019-05-31 at 5:51 AM, kag101 said:

Day 8 [5-30-2019] 

Bad Sleep & Mood

Once again, I didn't sleep well. The construction workers don't give a damn about other people. They make a lot of noise at 7 AM. They talk loudly, and they hammer a lot. Ugh... But anyway, I was glad I woke up early because I could wish my sister a good American Work Visa interview. Fortunately, she passed. 

I was in a bad mood pretty much all day. I was running around all day. I was able to go to the market and be very straightforward into buying the things I really needed. I made a list. I used colors and symbols, because this helps the brain to remember it. I am glad I went to the workshop on Mind Mapping in 2008.

 

Being More Rigid Is Not The Answer; Medication Is 

I have always thought that I needed more rigidity, more discipline. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I already am very disciplined and organized. Strangely enough, I am a Virgo, with my ascendent in Scorpio. But anyway, now that the medication is kicking in I can see how much I was under depression's control. Not to demonize it, but let's be clear: it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. You can solve it through thinking, meditation, sports, etc. Medication is needed. 

I used to fear a lot on the side effects of antidepressants. But the real problem is caused not by the meds, but by depression. At 17, I began to lose my hair, got gray hair, was feeling pain throughout my body, had low energy, couldn't think fast, etc. 

I am so fucking grateful that I started psychiatric treatment. Yes, my psychiatrist isn't the best. Far from that, he's pretty mediocre. But I have found one who is likely the highest authority in Ayahuasca, called Dr. Wilson Gonzaga da Costa. I don't plan on drinking the tea again, but I think this guy has a more holistic approach to healing.

 

Coming Out As Gay 

I want to finish the cycle with the psychiatrist I am currently with. I think I will probably still go to 3-5 consultations with him. I am coming out as homosexual, and he is helping me with that. He himself is gay, and he is very well-resolved. So he can help me out with that. I was able to be authentic with him for the first time 2-3 weeks ago.

I had started to take a medication called Zetron, that made me go very energetic. I am glad I finally talked wholeheartedly with my dad, mom, sister, and step-mom about how I truly felt about my dad's divorce. I got into some pretty unpleasant conflicts with each of them, but I think they were all necessary. For too long I repressed my voice, and it was time to give my inner child permission to express its emotions. 

I didn't realize how important coming out is. It's life-changing. Here are some tips: http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/process-coming-out

 

Productive Conversations & The Phase I Am In Right Now

I had a very productive conversation with my dad today, also. I want to go to a psychologist I went 3 years ago. She saw how worse off I was, and she is very sensitive. So I know it will be a meaningful conversation. Her name is Emilia. 

A former student contacted me to give her English classes. She will be going to Chicago in a month, and I am going to do some research to see if I can really help her. Getting some money right now would be a really good thing! But I don' t want to bite more than I can chew. I got to take it easy; one step at a time. Otherwise, I will burn out. I know this may seem like a placebo, but I feel protected with my medication. I know that if I am too agitated, anxious, etc.; I can contact a psychiatrist. I do not need, nor can I solve depression by myself. I need professional and qualified help. 

A very close friend of mine is likely depressed. I worry about him, because he is very resistant to starting a psychiatric treatment. But either way, I need to focus on myself alone. I am the one who needs loving-attention. Speaking of which, I am training my big dog some tricks. I use a lot of treats so I can convince him to do what I want. And it works. It's a fun experience. 

I am in a moment of my life of integration. Over the past 11 years, I  have studied many, many things. And they were all buried in my subconscious mind, because I didn't have vital energy to act on it. And if I did force myself to act, it was a crappy action. Sure, I can go through the motions and build momentum, but most of the times no amount of will-power can help, as I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

Other Information

>> I used rape about 8 or 9 times. But it was mainly to help me poop. I am a little aversed to the smell of shamanic snuffs. I think I will stop using it in the next 3 months (8-31-2019) 

>> I took my last dosage of Quetiapine 2 hours go, so I am really sleepy right now. This is one of the medications that sedates the person the most. And it gives a very restful sleep. I just hope the construction workers don't make a lot of noise... I will use the ear plug, but oftentimes this is not enough... =/ 

>> I masturbated twice today. Almost in-a-row. That's very uncommon to me, and it felt really nice and relaxing. I am glad I got nice erections, and the orgasms were satisfying 

 

What to do tomorrow (5-31-2019):

>> Take pictures of my sofa, and sent to the couch repair guy. 

>> Schedule a session with my psychologist Emilia. 

>> Read: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/addiction-in-society/201112/the-seductive-dangerous-allure-gabor-mat (@Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj, I remember you shared some stuff about Dr Garbor Mate on your journal, so I thought this article might interest you ) 

 

Thanks for reading! 

Feel free to leave a comment  

I liked the article and I have changed my views about this lately. I had a very long relapse into my sugar addiction last year and what helped me was understanding what happens in an addicts brain, how it tends to be inherited and how the brain can get rehabilitated by proper nutrition, a healthy lifestyle and a healthy dose of honesty. I'm not sure about this but addiction is absolutely not just about childhood trauma and I suspect that it's easy to get stuck in a mind spin straight to hell with that view.  

[kag101]

Day 10 [6-01-2019]  

Once again, I didn't sleep well. I woke up at 7:10 AM, and I'd had 5 hours of sleep. Then, I took a nap between 6 pm - 8 pm. It was very restful. 

Took my meds correctly. I was having a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders, probably because of the position I slept on. I took a painkiller (that has a component that relaxes the muscle, also). 

I started to read about harm-reduction when using drugs. Very interesting concept! And it can be applied to many different areas in life. 

I feel truly stable. Now I understand and completely acknowledge that I need medication. Otherwise, I will freak the fuck out once again. 

[kag101]

20 hours ago, Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj said:

I had a very long relapse into my sugar addiction last year

Did you seek professional help for this? It is extremely hard to overcome addiction by yourself. As Dr Gabor Maté emphasizes, in order to overcome addiction, we need a compassionate presence with us so that we can get in touch with the emotional pain we never were strong enough to face it. 

20 hours ago, Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj said:

I'm not sure about this but addiction is absolutely not just about childhood trauma

Are you absolutely sure you are not sure? Lol 

20 hours ago, Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj said:

suspect that it's easy to get stuck in a mind spin straight to hell with that view.  

Yes, the person can get into victim-mentality of like, "Omg... My dad yelled at me when I was 6 in front of all the family... I will never stop using crack, because of what he did to me! I was only a poor child!" Sure, the suffering and emotional pain should always be validated, but sometimes we have to let it go. 

Here's an interesting quote from Gabor Maté I just found: 

Quote

"Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there. As we’ll see, the effects of early stress or adverse experiences directly shape both the psychology and the neurobiology of addiction in the brain.” 
― Gabor Mate, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

 

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

2 hours ago, kag101 said:

Did you seek professional help for this? It is extremely hard to overcome addiction by yourself. As Dr Gabor Maté emphasizes, in order to overcome addiction, we need a compassionate presence with us so that we can get in touch with the emotional pain we never were strong enough to face it. 

Are you absolutely sure you are not sure? Lol 

Yes, the person can get into victim-mentality of like, "Omg... My dad yelled at me when I was 6 in front of all the family... I will never stop using crack, because of what he did to me! I was only a poor child!" Sure, the suffering and emotional pain should always be validated, but sometimes we have to let it go. 

Here's an interesting quote from Gabor Maté I just found: 

 

Nope! I've been listening to sugar addicts and I've been sugar free and on the ketogenic diet for almost a month now. I told myself that if I relapse I will actually seek help for it. They actually have camps for sugar addicts in Sweden.  

My addictions to video games and validation can certainly be traced to my conditioning and traumas.