Keeping Track of My Depression

[kag101]

I went to a bad depressive phase that lasted for about 3-4 months. All I wanted was to stay in bed, eat, browse the internet, and sleep. I didn’t want to see my friends, nor interact with others.

I have had social anxiety since I was 11. During that phase, I was fearful of others seeing that I wasn’t happy. I also gained weight during that period because I was binge eating a lot.

 

The only thing that made me get out of my house was going to soccer games. For some reason, I’d feel alive when I was there. Totally grounded in the present moment. It was like a defibrillator. But my “aliveness” would only last for maximum 3 days.

 

I already went to a psychitriast in the past. Long story short, I didn't adapt at all to the medication. Then one day, I simply quit.

And I started to go to ayahuasca ceremonies as an attempt to heal myself. In the beginning, I felt great. But eventually I had a maniac and psychotic crisis during a ritual. Now, I don't take ayahuasca anymore.

 

Nowadays, the only indigenous medicine I use is rapé. It’s made out of tobacco and tree barks. It’s really effective for anxiety. It grounds me. Even though it's psychoactive, I think it's safe. 

           

 

Thanks to a great friend of mine, I started to go to a psychiatrist. I have started to take medication (antidepressant) three months ago. And I feel much better.

In the beginning of the treatment, I wasn’t able to be authentic with the psychiatrist, because I thought he would judge me. But now, I feel comfortable sharing how I am truly feeling.

With medication, I feel well most of the time. That being said, I still have some emotional relapses.

I have experienced two main side effects: the first one was anorgasmia (not being able to achieve orgasm and ejaculation). Fortunately, this only happened in the first month of the medication.

The other one is bruxism (grinding my teeth). This makes my jaw tired and can cause problems in the future (e.g., headaches). I think I already had that in the past, but with the medication it has intensified. I went to a dentist and I am now using a mouth guard when I am sleeping to alleviate the problems caused by the grinding. Unfortunately, this also happens during the day...

 

I started today an extra medication today (also antidepressant) so that I don’t have relapses anymore. Using only one medication, I feel well for like 6 days, then 1 day I feel shitty.

I also have to stay alert to see if I go to the polar opposite and start to feel euphoric. If that happens, it probably means I have bipolar type 2. So I will probably have to use lithium... 

 

That said, I tend to put myself under a microscope:

 

Anyway, I hope I adapt to this new medication. One side effect I have already started to feel is nausea. But my doctor said this will likely stop.

During this year, I started to make some money. It’s a very rewarding feeling to do something I like and also get paid for it.

 

Things I want to achieve:

- Get back to teaching

- Get in shape 

- Start doing psychotherapy

- Fix my sleeping schedule 

 

In this journal, I will post:

> how I am feeling

> if I am progressing or not in life

> venting and random thoughts

I might also post quotes, videos, and songs. This will not be a predominantly doom and gloom journal. It might happen sometimes though. And I will also be careful to not overshare stuff.  

 

Feel free to post comments here and PM me, but please do not say things like “medication is evil, dude”  

 

Thanks for reading!  

Edited March 24, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Why I Was Feeling Nauseas (Probably)

Today, I think I understood why I have been nauseas. Long story short, I’ll probably have to stop using the shamanic snuff I mentioned yesterday. I admit that I am a little addicted to it. I am using it as a crutch.

And even though I say to myself that it helps with my anxiety, I might be fooling myself. In fact, I think I have been using it so much that it has stopped being effective. I also fear that, because it is psychoactive, I may have problems with it.

 

Crutches & Addictions

Three months ago, I stopped using weed. At first, it was sort of difficult. But nowadays, it’s something that don’t even come to mind. I mean, I’m curious to see how would I feel if I got high again, but it’s a manageable desire. And my main strategy was through rape (shamanic snuff). It would make me not want to smoke.

I fear I will exchange one addiction to another. For example, instead of using rape, I might start binge eating (which is much unhealthier). Or get neurotic about gym. 

On the other hand, maybe I am ready to let this crutch go. My mind comes up with all these really vivid scenarios of crippling anxiety & depression that might happen in the future. Unfortunately, I have a hard time not taking them too seriously.

 

Opening Up With Psychiatrist

Last thing I want to mention is that I actually don’t feel that comfortable sharing the truth with my psychiatrist. He’s all about masculine compassion. I know I have a victim-mentality, and that people shouldn’t console me all the time. But truth is, I feel very overwhelmed by all of his recommendations. I told him that I will try to start weightlifting and acupuncture this week.

 

I got a wave of depression tonight. I only slept 4 hours today, so I’m not sure if it’s depression or tiredness. To be honest, I feel sad, confused, and overwhelmed. I have been thinking a lot these past hours... And curiously, I was very uplift during the day... 

 

Thanks for reading!

[kag101]

The last few days haven't been easy. I realized that my psychiatrist forces me too much. He applies way too much masculine compassion. He's way too pragmatic and straightforward. However, in my case, this backfires. I know what I should be doing. I know I should be doing more physical exercises, working more, sleeping in a more consistent time, etc. But I feel overwhelmed by all of this. And what ends up happening is that I end up doing nothing.

Another thing I don't like about him is, I always feel the need of giving explanations for my behavior to him. And if I am not doing much, I feel too ashamed to tell him, which makes me tell half-truths. 

One thing that's been bringing me down is that I see too much darkness in the world. I see how my friends and the people around me are not genuinely happy. 

I used to do crazy spiritual practices to bypass all of this. The world around me (and inside me) is unhappy? Let me meditate the shit out of that so that I don't have to deal with that. At least, now, I see how fighting with reality only makes it worse. 

 

[kag101]

Today I realized how unhealthy it is to live with parents, especially in my 20’s. It is a comfort zone that turns me into a prisoner. Now, I could get neurotic about this and desperately try to “break free” from my parents, but I know this doesn’t work very well. Instead, I have to be a “strategic motherfucker”. It was a very deep inside.

Also, I don't really like the title of this journal. When I write "My Depression", it's as if depression is my little baby... But anyways... 

[kag101]

I had this emotional breakdown today. I slept very heavily and woke up very late. I thought of forcing myself to wake up, but I didn't have enough will power to do so. And I thought of how challenging it is to have the typical western routine. When I was at school, I struggled a lot with that. And I'm not sure if I'm able to get back to it. 

So, basically, today I didn't really live, you know? I was just eating a lot, playing, and not interacting. I don't like to feel this way. But hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up sooner and get some momentum so that I can enjoy the day and have more vitality. 

On Wednesday, I'll go to my psychiatrist. And I feel like this is a burden. I feel I have to give explanations to him, as if I were a little child. I need to feel more empowered. 

Yesterday, I argued with a friend. And even though I don't see her in more than a year, it gave me a very unpleasant feeling that she cut ties with me. And it's strange how the mind works sometimes, because the more she rejects me, the more I think about her. Not necessarily in a romantic way. 

That's it for today. Thanks for reading. 

[kag101]

Barely Hanging In There... But Then Hopeful... 

Today I woke up in lazy mode. I just wanted to do whatever was the easiest and escape from my responsabilities. Then, a friend called saying he had forgotten something in my house. I really wanted to not deal with that, but I had no choice but to invite him to my house. 

I almost had an anxiety attack before he arrived. I get very ashamed of being in a depressed state, and I don't want anyone to see it.

It's really twisted how I get attached to a particular state, and sometimes it's hard to let it go. It's a feedback loop. That is, depression feeds my actions. And my actions feed my depression. 

After a while when he was at my house, something clicked inside of me and depression seemed like a silly thing. I stopped giving it my attention. I realized it was safe to let it go. Not because I neurotically wanted to get rid of it, but because I knew I didn't need it. I love when that happens. 

Then, I went to his house. We watched a lot of Death Note episodes. Sometimes I think it's best if I can avoid those type of dark things, but it's actually pretty fun and intriguing. We watched some other things, and then we started to have a deep conversation. 

                                                                                   

About two years ago, I was addicted to meaningful conversations. All I wanted was that. But I have realized they naturally arise. There's no need to force them. 

Right now, it's 3:36 am. I am feeling pretty peaceful and hopeful. I often forget the healing power of being in the presence of someone I trust. And even though I often scold myself for not being good enough, or for not being where I think I should be in my life; I have these moments of *exhale* calmness and okayness. No need to figure anything out. Tension will only make matters worse. But instead, to trust that by simply being who I already am, I will be guided to the right path. Deep down, I still think I'm just a lazy spoiled guy... 

Reminder: beating yourself up will only make matters worse. 

[kag101]

It’s been 20 days since I started my new medication. So it is acting by now. For the past 8 days (last time I posted here), I have been feeling well. But yesterday I started to feel highly irritated. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have all the sleep I needed. I will see how I feel tomorrow.

I made some research and I found a condition called dysthymia. It’s a moderate type of depression characterized by bad humor. And this new med may cause that. It's almost impossible to relate to others when I feel irritated by the slightest thing. I've noticed that when I am at peace with myself, the behaviors of others don't bother me.

That being said, I know that some side effects are likely to reduce after a while.

I still don't have a solid base. I fear I may break out at any time. 

My mind still tends to rationalize the state of my mind as if there are mystical forces operating, such as horoscope. Luckily, I spot those types of thoughts and I can disregard them. I also feel a little paranoid sometimes, but, again, I notice those thoughts and it's pretty easy to disregard them.

This alteration in my humor made me realize what depression really is. It is very clear when it happens.

I’m afraid I won’t adapt to any medication. Or that I will feel artificial with antidepressants. But I have to wait and try more before reaching to any conclusion.

In the following week, I will go to the psychiatrist, and I will say things as honestly as possible. For example, I have been taking pregabalin for muscular pain. But I am not sure it’s doing me any good, in fact, I think I have been feeling swollen because of it. I also think that the psychiatrist gives me advice for taking action, when I still don't feel good enough to do things. And this tends to backfire. 

I worked out yesterday. It felt pretty good. It’s something methodical and quite therapeutical. I hope I am not making any gross mistake that can lead to an injury.

[kag101]

Harsh Moves

I have been feeling quite well over the last week. And there is a tendency to take massive action. But I know from experience that this is not going to work. I have got to nice and steady. Neurosis won’t help me.

I am searching for a new psychiatrist. Mine is not emphatic and uses too much masculine compassion. This approach can work with some people, but not for me. I am already too rigid with myself; I don’t need my doctor to be like that.

One of my fears was to get euphoric. That is, going from one extreme to the other. Depression – Euphoria. Fortunately, this is not the case.

I feel healthy. Many people told me I'd feel an emotional void, that I would feel artificial, but that hasn't been the case for me.

I can see the bullshit of the world, but I don’t get drag into it. I know that I have to change from the inside out. Not the other way around.

If I keep feeling like this, I will sure make progress in my life. I am behind other people my age. But I can quickly catch up. I am very competent and intelligent. I notice details that most people don’t.

I have highly sensitive personality. So I need time to recharge, which is very different from dwelling into depression. I need a natural break.

I notice how most people are very innefective, overwhelmed, and addicted to “doing”. If I manage to create a life that I can produce, while also being able to relax, then I am on the right track.

If am at peace with myself, the behaviors of others don’t bother me. I simply ignore it, or I leave. With no harsh moves.

Quote

“You either choose your problems, or problems will choose you.”

 

[kag101]

Observing If I Get Neurotic

One of my patterns I have when I am trying to recover from depression is to get highly methodic. For example, I used to be addicted to doing lists and brute forcing myself into doing all the tasks.

When I am in this “discipline” mode, I have no flexibility whatsoever. I try to control every single thing, like a micro-managing boss. I also get very attached to the clock.  

The problem with this is approach is that I lose spontaneity. And it’s a strategy based on fear. Because I don’t want to “screw things up”, I try to control things as much as I can. But, instead, I should focus on cultivating a relationship of trust with myself. This takes time. I can’t expect to change all my life around overnight. I got to go gradual and steady. Otherwise, I will likely go to the opposite polarity and fall into very bad habits.

I notice that this “discipline mode” is happening right now, but on a smaller scale. I have recently decided to change some habits. From most important to least important:

1- Fix my sleep schedule

Over the past months, my sleep schedule has been terrible. There were days that I woke up at 5 pm.

Since last week, I have been going to sleep from 10 pm – 1 am, and waking up at 7-10 am. I am using an anti-allergic medication that makes me sleepy. I will use it until sleeping at the right time becomes a habit.

2- Eat less

With the big wave of depression that I experienced (especially in the end of last year), I started to binge eating a lot, until I can’t eat anything else.

With that, I gained some weight. I don’t look like how I look at the moment. My thighs are getting big, I gained a little belly, and my cheeks are chubby. I know that neurosis will not help me. In the past, I lost too much weight too fast. But sooner or later, I would gain the weight back due to the yo-yo effect. 

I went to the psychiatrist today, and he gave me a lot of generic nutrition advice. If I wasn’t “vaccinated” against neurosis, I would probably hit the gym everyday and eat as little as possible. Instead, I want to find the middle ground.

3- Go to the gym

I started to go to the gym after more than a year. Even though my psychiatrist was putting a lot of pressure for me to start as soon as possible, it took me about 1 month to start. But, now, I have a genuine desire to weightlift. It’s not something I will have to drag myself to, but instead it's a natural desire. 

My biggest fear is to have incorrect form or to overtrain. I know how good weightlifting can feel like, and I don’t want to screw this up.

I also have to be very observing if I am getting neurotic about going there. It’s okay to miss a day. I have to be in tune with my body so that I can feel if I am respecting it. 

4- Use rapé three times a day

Rapé is an indigenous medicine I have been using over the last year. It helps me to evacuate, and also calms down anxiety. I admit that I have been overusing it.

So yesterday I decided that it’s best to use it only three times a day. I will not be super strict about that. But I will try to stick with that.

 

Quote

Discipline is like a rubber-band. If you stretch too much, it breaks.

So I will observe how I feel in the next few days. 

 

One thing that I miss is working. Some jobs I had were really stressful. But some were very rewarding. I used to give English lessons. I have a very tensed up voice, which makes it hard to speak for a very long time. I probably need to do theater, speech therapy, or singing classes.

 

A really close friend of mine told me a very good analogy of what recovering from depression looks like. It’s like having a broken arm. You have to have patience. First, you have to plaster it, and wait until it’s ready to remove the plaster. Then comes physiotherapy. In other words, I can’t skip steps.

[kag101]

After I wrote last post, I talked with my friend about this fear I have of being neurotic about making new habits.

Afterwards, I felt a sense of relief, of like, "It's okay if I don't do it perfectly. Let me loosen up. I don't have to be so hard on myself." Rigidness is like stretching a rubber-band, that is, if you apply too much force, it will break. 

Then, two days later, I had a depressive episode. It was very unpleasant, and it is really bad for my self-confidence -- because there's a sense of fear that it will happen again anytime, and I will be clueless of what to do. 

Sometimes I exaggerate things. It's like putting something under a microscope. For example, I micromanage my mood. If I get a little depressed or a little euphoric, I start to panic. And that makes matters worse.

 

I had a trip planned with my family for Easter to the country side. Because I was a little depressed, I didn't want to go. But then they convinced me to do so. It takes humility to change my mind. Stubborness is a feature of the ego. If I had being closed-minded, I would be in my hometown, probably overeating and watching hours of YouTube. I'd also be guilting myself for not going.

At some point while they were trying to convince me, I had a thought of hope, "Maybe it won't be that bad. I got this." 

I think my psychiatrist did a disservice to me for telling me that the full effects of antidepressants happen in 20 days. It's just an unrealistic expectation. I am really considering finding a new one. 

During the car drive, I was very chill. I am very good at picking songs, and I did it throughout the drive. That's one of the perks of being a Highly Sensitive Individual. I just got to know how to make good use of my energy, otherwise, I get easily drained. 

When I arrived, though, the depression came back. I was very quiet and uncomfortable. My little cousin was playing all the time with my sister, and I got a little jealous of her. 

Then, I called my friend. I told him that I feel embarrassed to be seen when I am not in a good mood. And he said something to the effect of, "Fuck other people. Focus on yourself now. I am proud that you got out of your comfortable zone, and that's enough."

One of the things I have realized about depression is, I got to go gently with myself. I can't brute force my way out of it. Neurosis only adds to the problem, and it can make me go the other extreme and get euphoric -- which is just as unpleasant as depression. 

After that, I came to my uncle's house, and there I saw my 8-month-old cousin. He is very quiet, yet he's so cute. I love those moments when I sense I can simply let go of depression, that it's no longer serving me. It's like the light of awareness dissipates it.  

I think depression will still happen, but more sporadically. And it won't take long to go away. 

Then, today I went to a waterfall. I got in the water. It was very cold, but it was very refreshing and therapeutic. 

Oh, and btw - I'm glad I am not being neurotic about doing physical exercises. This is just as bad as being sedentary. 

Cheers =) 

[kag101]

Simplifying Life

Stress is important for growth, but most people are overstressed.

Here’s what I want for my life in order to simplify it: a rewarding but not draining job, no kids and pets, and a simple house. We live in a very special moment where it’s relatively easy to have a peaceful life. Never in the history of humankind was it so easy to have food, shelter, and safety. Success and money is important, but after a certain point it doesn’t change any aspect of happiness.

That being said, if depression is too high, functioning in society is challenging. But I feel I am understanding how this monster operates. It’s not easy to deal with it, but learning its mechanisms allows me to have better coping strategies.

I notice that I often swing from anxiety to depression. The practice is to find the Middle Path.

 

Doubting Psychiatry

Yesterday I read about Thomas Szasz, who was a big critic of pyschiatry. And it got me thinking about how I blindly believe in science. I was like, “What if mental illnesses are not a biological thing, but purely emotional?” A meditation teacher I really like, Jack Kornfield, once said,

Quote

“We don’t talk to people, we medicate them.”

 

 

 

When I am talking with a person who’s going through an emotional struggle, I do not put him or her on a label. Instead, I see him as a human being. Ultimately, I do think mental illnesses exist, but there are many cases that could be solved with heart-to-heart conversation. Medication may play a big role, but alone it won’t change much, I suppose.

 

My Psychiatrist

I think my psychiatrist is very anxious about seeing results, he doesn’t really have empathy, and he uses way too much masculine advice (such as take more action, fix your sleep schedule, etc.)

I started taking an anti-depressant, and after a month I was feeling better (even though I don’t know if it was placebo effect), but I wasn’t 100%. Then, he prescribed me a one more to take. I do think it's too much. 

 

Gaining Weight

That’s definitely not a fun thing to go through, but it can teach you a lot.

When that happens, self-esteem drops. It's perfectly healthy to want to look myself in the mirror, and like what I see.

In the past, I lost weight by being very strict/fasting. But that doesn’t work in the long-term. But now, I am pretty confident that I can turn this around in a more solid way. I am going to the gym in a good way. I’m not obsessive about it, nor am I forcing myself to go there. I genuinely enjoy lifting weights. It’s very therapeutic.

My guess is that by exercising, I will naturally want to eat more healthy. I just have to pay attention if I am not getting into “extreme discipline mode”. That's a big red flag. 

Mantra: True change takes time. (Sure there are exceptions, but as a rule of thumb I shouldn’t expect to change overnight.)

 

Listening and Observing Others

I can learn a lot from simply being in the presence of others. Sometimes when a person shares their story, I get immediate insights into my life. When I see someone behave both positively and negatively, I can self-reflect in order to improve my own self.  

 

Social Anxiety

When social anxiety is present, socializing is definitely a tiresome thing to do. But the more I genuinely love myself, the less I care about the approval of others. And when I turn on the “fuck it” button, resistance melts away. It’s similar to taking alcohol. One moment I’m super nervous, then almost magically, social anxiety is no longer present. It feels really empowering to release anxiety by myself. 

 

Clinging to Roles

One thing that’s really important to become aware of is, clinging to an identification as a “socially anxious” person. It’s really twisted how “being the quiet, insecure, and depressed person” becomes a role I subconsciously play.

Being brought up in a society that overvalues extroversion, I was often told, “Oh, you’re so quiet.”, “Oh, has the cat got your tongue?”, etc. And I internalized those judgments, and they became beliefs. And unconsciously I use these masks to protect a false sense of identity. 

I used to compare myself a lot with my sister. She has always been the extroverted type of person. I thought that others would only like me if I was like her. That belief blocked me for a very long time. I also did not really like my friends, because they weren't high-status, so to speak. 

Another thing that’s really key is to have a handful of people who accept me as I am. With that, my self-confidence increases and the need for everybody liking me drops. Other people won’t make me happy. First, I have to be happy with myself. Then, with my close friends. That’s what’s really important.

I used to believe I could be totally happy by myself. Even though others can’t make me happy, happiness and joy can be multiplied in the presence of others.

After I realized living only in my own universe was not the way, I got into a phase of thinking that I should find the “perfect” support network. But that doesn’t really exist. Supposedly developed people are sometimes the most problematic. 

Nowadays, I feel I am getting more skillful socially. Two years ago, I was very underdeveloped in this area. I am still not perfect at it, but I sure got at least 60% better (in my good days). In my bad days, I sometimes struggle a lot and it feels like I got back to square zero, but that's just an illusion.

 

Not Clinging to Moods

I sometimes feel normal; irritable; euphoric; or depressed.

Sometimes there are obvious causes for an emotion. At other times there aren’t. But what I have noticed is how important it is to reach out to someone who is trustworthy. Developing real trust is so important.

This way, through sharing my presence with someone I like, it’s easier to find a solution. Keeping problems to myself will not help. Sharing them with the wrong people is just as bad. Talking with the right people can cause a “chemical reaction”, a trans-mutation. Then, after spending some time by myself, I am able to integrate and digest the conversation.

 

Being very simplistic:

Irritablity = lack of sleep and/or stress.

Depression = lack of meaning and connection

Social anxiety = unease in the body, low self-worth, and lack of bond.

 

Btw - my soccer team lost the final today

I may write more about that on another post, because it's enough for today.

[kag101]

Physical Activity

I have realized how important exercising is for my mental health. And it sucks that I injury myself so easily, especially my knees. Pain is what have caused me to stop exercising in the past, and I fear the same might happen. This pisses me off… Seriously…

I am very kinesthetic, so I need to feel inside my body. It is completely useless to know a lot of stuff if I don’t feel comfortable in my body. If I don’t move my body, I start to feel weird, irritable, and anxious.

With exercising, I have messed things up in the past, and I want to change that. I am particularly aware if I am being neurotic about it. And I admit that I am a little. It's as if exercising is the solution to all my problems, the foundation for feeling well. Actually... this might be accurate. 

It sucks that right when I started to enjoy weightlifting, my fucking knees started to hurt.

I will try to train tomorrow, but I fear the pain becomes worse. Fuck! I will talk to the teacher and take it very lightly.

Anyway, I will go to an orthopedist to check on my knees.

[kag101]

Today I woke up pretty depressed, but I didn’t allow negative thoughts to take over me. I knew that the negativity stemmed from not exercising yesterday.

Even though my knees were still hurting, I decided to weightlift anyway. Throughout the workout, I was feeling pissed about my knee and the pain I have been feeling. And I also second-guessed myself a lot, because I fear I am doing the exercises incorrectly.

After the gym, I came home and I had lunch with my sister. I was a lot in my head, so I could barely interact with her.

Then I was searching about a knee protection. I was so desperate to use my body that I almost went to the mall to buy one and use the elliptical in the gym. I can sense how exercising is fundamental for my well-being, and if I don’t do it, my anxiety hits the roof.

After a while, I realized that I could swim in the pool I have in my house. I thought, “How didn’t I think about this before?” Then I swam for about an hour. And as I was doing it, I'd transfer my anxiety and overthinking into the swimming. And it worked wonders. I feared I was overdoing it, but I don’t think I did. The only discomfort I felt was in my shoulder and a tiny bit in my right knee, but I am pretty sure it was because of the weightlifting.

I think weightlifting is doing me more harm than good. I believe there are safer ways to get in touch with my body.

After swimming, I was feeling very peaceful. And I became mindful of how anxious I normally am. I was shocked. My mind is always thinking ahead. This doesn't work at all. 

Then, I did something I hadn’t done in a while: I cleaned my room. I wasn't rushing to finish it; instead, I tidied up in a calm and focused way.

The inner transformation I witnessed in my self today made me even question if anti-depressants are effective with me. To be honest, I am looking forward to swimming tomorrow. The only downside of it is that my hair gets dry. I think it's pretty safe as far as injuries go.

Another reason why I felt achy today is that I am not adapting to my new bed.

Even though I am not feeling 100% well, I am pretty optimistic and hopeful that I might be into something good.

It’s as if in the last decade, I have been searching lots of crazy places to find a way to heal my body and mind, and the solution was right under my nose: sports.

 

[kag101]

Yesterday I swam for hours. I didn’t realize how tired I actually was. I was feeling euphoric, and I thought that high energy state was how I supposed to feel on a regular basis. Nothing can be further from the truth. Neurotic exercise is definitely worse than no exercise at all.

My first mental breakdown three years ago was due to overtraining. And I almost had one today. It was very scary. I slept a lot, and I had many nightmares. I thought that state of panic wouldn’t go away. I thought I was going to die. Luckily I fell asleep minutes afterwards. I had made plans with my dad, which I obviously didn’t go to. And I’m glad I didn’t. Yesterday I was worrying a lot about my hair loss, and while I was panicking today, I saw how my mental health is far more important than that.

I think my psychiatrist is doing me more harm than good. He emphasizes a lot of taking action, but I have a tendency for neurosis so he’s giving me bad advice.

Right now, it’s 11:25 PM and even though I feel “normal”, I am still scared of what happened earlier today. I’m glad I came back from that state. Euphoria is worse than depression in my case, because I tend to do a lot of stupid shit when I am on cloud nine. I get very inconsequential.

While I was swimming, I was trying to fight with my body & mind. I was trying to ignore that they have limits. And if I don’t respect their limits, there is going to be a proportional backlash.

I am scared to use rapé. I just found out that the tobacco that it has is 20x more than regular tobacco. And there’s also a substance called IMAOI (Irreversible monoamine oxidase inhibitors), which can be pretty dangerous. One of my biggest fears is to go crazy.

I just took a bath, and I feel better. After over-euphoric moments, there comes a sense of peace, of like “You don’t have to push yourself too hard, man. Take a break.” And strangely enough, in some point of my life, I got addicted to that. I would do a lot of shit so that I could feel that peace. But it’s something very unhealthy.

In this week, I will try to do some exercise but very lightly. And I will take it easy with myself. I will also do some research on other psychiatrists. I slept pretty much all day, so I don’t know when will I fall asleep, but I will try to fix my sleeping schedule. And I will observe if I get neurotic or obsessed about something. Hopefully it will be a good week.

 

Edited April 29, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Yesterday was hands down the scariest day of the year so far. It sucks to feel I am about to lose control and have a panic episode. I'm glad I have been more compassionate to myself. It's very liberating to allow myself to rest. Sometimes the only thing we can do to heal ourselves is to do nothing. 

Today, I did some cardio for 30 minutes. It felt good. I felt a slight discomfort in my knee and shoulder, but nothing big. I want to buy a knee brace. I also want to strengthen the muscles around the knee, and go to an orthopedist to check on that. Physical activity is really key to overcoming depression. But it's got to be done in the right way. That is, one day at a time, without rushing results, and paying close attention to the signs my body gives me. And of course, resting. 

I am pretty paranoid about injuring myself. As I am exercising, I worry too much if I am doing it in the correct form. But this fear becomes a self-fulling prophecy. Because I think so much about what I am doing, I end up doing it incorrectly. 

Another thing that comes up as I start to exercise more is the belief that exercising is like the most important thing ever, and that if I don't do it every single day, I will feel like crap. Nah... that's not accurate. In fact, every time I think I "need" to do something everyday to feel well, it's a red-flag. 

I am still recovering from the little trauma I had yesterday. Panic is an awful feeling. And I don't ever want to feel it again. Or at least, I will do everything that's in my power to prevent something like that to happen again. 

[kag101]

Worry, Overthinking & Rumination

Today I started to worry about making money. My savings are almost all gone. And I don’t want to depend on my mom and dad to have money. Or to get a job that I don’t like, just because I need cash. I know that sometimes we have to take action, or do things against our will. But the thing is, sometimes the more we try, the farther we are from what we want. And vice-versa. It's a counterintuitive thing. 

Anyway, when I want to solve something, I usually start to ruminate about it. No matter what problem is on my mind: Losing weight, being more social, making money, etc. I can’t stop myself from thinking about it. Not in a constructive way, but with a lot of guilt and doubt. It’s a useless mental masturbation that only makes my mind tired and worried. So sometimes it’s good to do an activity that has nothing to do with what I’m trying to solve. For example, watching a movie, going out with friends, cook, etc. It’s like taking a mini-vacation from the, so to speak, worrying-mind. Not always easy to do so.

Not making money can be a very stressing thing to think about. And the weird thing about worrying is that the more I try to not think about something, the more I end up thinking about it.

Regarding money, I will see my dad tomorrow, and I hope to step out of my comfort zone and talk with him about this. I will share with him my most honest thoughts. I fear he’ll give me stupid solutions, but I am just curious to see what will come out of that conversation.

 

 

Physical Health

Another thing that’s been bugging me is my physical health. I have been feeling pains in my body. I think there are two causes for that: incorrect exercising and bad mattress.

First, I have started to swim and weightlift. But I am almost sure I am doing them with incorrect form. I worry so much about that, but doing so only adds to the problem. I get more self-conscious, which makes me screw things up even more.

 

Second, I bought a mattress about a month ago. Instead of doing a more thorough research, I only went to ONE store. Truth is, I just wanted to get rid of this problem. And now I saw that the store I bought from is actually shitty. They accept giving me the money back, as long as I pay for 30% of the price of the mattress. Damn.

    

 

I have been taking pain-killers quite frequently. I used to be totally opposed to medication a few years ago, and here I am taking a lot of pills. I have a friend who’s pretty good at doing massages, but most of the times I am embarrassed to ask him to do it in me because I get shy about it. And subconsciously I fear I will have to have reciprocity. And this is really twisted, because I actually enjoy doing massages in people. Well, ever since I started weightlifting, I get lazy about that because my muscles are tired from the workout. 

Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, is that I have had constipation lately. It's an annoying thing.  

Another thing regarding my mental health: I fear that at any moment, I will collapse. And then, I will see the fraud that I am.  

Well, hopefully, my physical health will improve and I will only take the medications I really need. In the meantime, I have to be very patient.

 

Thinking About The Past 

I have been thinking about my past, especially my teenage years. It was a moment that I felt very misunderstood, as if nobody understood me. And I often regret not “living the moment”. And I have this fear of being a 40-year-old teenager. But then, it came to me to apply compassion, of like “Ok… that happened, and it sucked. But you’re alive, man! If you start living your present moment, you’ll have an amazing future.” 

 

 

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

 

Most of the times, I don’t see how awesome I am. I am already amazing. The thing is, depression blinds me too negatively. And euphoria blinds me too positively.

Truth is, I beat myself up too much. I think I am not worthy. I fear what I’ll say or ask is  stupid. So I end up rehearsing (many times) in my head what I want to say, which kills my spontaneity. This has a lot to do with insecurity. 

 

 

Here’s a little bit about rumination from Psychology Today

Quote

“Ruminating is simply repetitively going over a thought or a problem without completion. When people are depressed, the themes of rumination are typically about being inadequate or worthless. The repetition and the feelings of inadequacy raise anxiety and anxiety interferes with solving the problem. Then depression deepens.”

Neural networks are triggered by mood, and your mood might have connected to other moods when you were afraid of bad outcomes. You can deliberately decide to recall instead the times when things worked out even though you had been afraid. Those networks of anxiety can lead into remembering positive outcomes. However, ruminating may get you too negative to shift into a network of positive thoughts without a memory jogger.

 

What can shift you into a different network?

Use family or friends to help you remember. Ask them to help you think of times when things turned out fine. Conversation with encouraging others can shift your attention to a different memory network, and when others point out positive outcomes at your request, you start down a different neural path.

Another rumination interrupter is to put yourself literally into a place you connect with things turning out for you - taking a walk in a location that helps you enter a positive frame of mind can only be helpful.

The idea of going into another network is not to get lost in old memories but to find a way into a positive neural network from which you may spring board into a solution to your problem.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/depression-management-techniques/201604/rumination-problem-in-anxiety-and-depression 

 

Thanks for reading! 

Edited May 1, 2019 by kag101

[Zigzag Idiot]

18 minutes ago, kag101 said:

I have a friend who’s pretty good at doing massages, but most of the times I am embarrassed to ask him to do it in me because I get shy about it. And subconsciously I fear I will have to have reciprocity. And this is really twisted, because I actually enjoy doing massages in people.

Have you ever thought about becoming a Professional Massage Therapist?

[kag101]

On 30/04/2019 at 11:14 PM, Zigzag Idiot said:

Have you ever thought about becoming a Professional Massage Therapist?

Thanks for the question  

Yes, I have thought about it. I am pretty good at massaging, even though I am an amateur. Currently, my fear is having wrong technique, and I have this rumination of screwing up my muscles and articulation, and that I will have tendinite or something like that.

A course would be helpful to learn the correct technique. It is a physically demanding job. It's not something I would do in the foreseeable future. But maybe years from now, I can become a holistic psychologist. That is, I can help the patient unblock psychologically and physically.  

 

Yesterday (5-1-2019) 

It was a pretty nice and fluid day.

I woke up with a fear of breaking down emotionally and have paranoia. Sometimes when things are going well, I start to panic and think of worst case scenarios types of situations. Brené Brown talk about this. It’s a way for the ego to protect itself by coming up with imaginary events and preoccupations.

Over the past few days, I'd had trouble shitting. Fortunately, I was able to do so. Hooray! It's an awful feeling to not defecate. We totally take shitting for granted. When shitting doesn't happen, life proportionally becomes hell.

One thing I have been noticing is a slight nausea. I will stay aware about that. I know that if I tell my psychiatrist that this is happening, he will say that rapé (shamanic snuff) is causing it. I repeat: he irritates me. Not because he makes me think, but because he is a know-all type of person, he uses way too much masculine compassion, and he has given me incorrect information. For example, he said that antidepressants make 100% of the effect in 20 days. Nowhere have I found that number. 

 

A Bitch Called Stress

Too much stress and anxiety make people age faster. In my case: I am losing hair, I have a little bit of psoriasis, and I have some white hair. It pisses me the fuck off. 

Exercising is great for releasing stress. Talking with a trustworthy friend is also a good tool to release stress. Having a good routine (not too many things nor too little things to do) is also needed to have be healthy mentally and physically.  

What I have found throughout my self-development journey is that I need a lot of different tools. For example, Yoga alone is not enough. Neither is medication. Nor having strong bonds. A combination of all of those are ideal for maximizing results.

 

Quality of Life

This term has been very present in my mind lately. Six months ago, my quality of life was terrible. I was waking up at 5 pm, I was eating too much junk food, and I didn’t have energy to socialize.

During my depression treatment, I acknowledge that some placebo effect must have taken place. Sometimes I doubt the efficacy of antidepressants. But anyhow, I do not have to force well-being. It’s a natural thing. And that's a very positive sign. 

Every area of my life is fixing by itself. It’s really interesting to see that happen. Health is something organic, not something I have to force myself to do.

I used to believe that I needed moments of suffering to value good moments. Of course, life has its ups and downs. But every phase must be at an acceptable level.

The goal of antidepressant is to enlongate the euthymia phase. Depression and euphoria are really annoying things. I hope they become very sporadic from now on. Let's see... 

[kag101]

5-4-2019 (4 days ago)

I have been feeling quite stable lately. My humor isn’t oscillating to extremes, and that’s a great thing! I can totally see how physical exercises contribute to my well-being.

And having proper sleeping is also key. I find that when I don’t sleep enough, I get very irritated. And if my sleep schedule is messed up, I am much more prone to get depressed.

I have been able to step out of my comfort zone in correct dosages. Trying to get out of the comfort too obsessively is worse than never leaving the comfort zone.

 

Libido

Ever since I started weightlifting and swimming, my libido has gotten MUCH better. I used to not trust my penis, because I feared I wouldn’t get hard during a sexual relation. And now I feel confident with that. I also feel I am on the right path to accepting my sexuality.

 

Work & Money

I want to get back to teaching private classes. Problem is, speaking too much makes my voice really tired and because I speak from my throat, which makes me go roar. It gets annoying and painful. I have contacted a great speech therapist. I have to go to the otorinolayricologist first to see if there’s any problem on a physical level.

Fortunately, I have calmed down my anxiety to make money fast. I have set the intention that I want to earn some cash, but I am not neurotic about it. I was also able to ask my dad to help me financially (for now). This was outside of my comfort zone, because I used to be have a lot of pride, so I would never ask my dad for stuff. There was a little bit of guilt also, as if I wasn’t worthy of getting help. I want to have my financial independence, but I know it will not come overnight. And my dad can act as a scaffold.

Dad

Talking about my dad, my bond with him is getting stronger. I am very grateful that this is happening because two years ago I was rebelling against him. I thought he was my enemy, as if he was the reason I was suffering in my life. And now we are having a lot of bonding moments. And I also think I can help a lot with raising his two little kids.  

 

Friendship

For the first time since I was a child, I have felt I am really “a friend”. Sure, I don’t have a perfect personality, but I feel my qualities surpass my flaws. Nowadays I am able to not care so much about the flaws of others. And I see how I am able to get out of toxic situations, without being too rude.

 

Exercising 

Regarding my physical exercises, I have been swimming a lot. Maybe too much, and with a not-so-good form. Fortunately I have a very good friend who is a great swimmer, so I hope he can help me out with that. Today I did some weightlifting, and it felt great. I got worried yesterday, because I ended up taking 4 pain-killer pills. This is the maximum dosage that is recommended. I think my body was aching yesterday, because I swam too much this week and because I only swam. And I think it’s important to vary different physical activities (such as swimming, weightlifting, yoga, etc.) If I only do one thing, I will only use some muscles and movements, which can increase the odds of injury and my body will get stiff (for not varying the movements). 

 

 

7-5-2019 – 4 days later

Tinder 

I downloaded Tinder. And it’s a pretty addictive thing. I felt safe to let myself go and get a little addicted to it. I know I will get bored with it eventually.

I have contacted some interesting people. And relationships is a tricky thing for me, because I tend to want to block my feelings. I hate feeling embarrassed for liking someone who might not like me also. On the other hand, I also fear hurting somebody else’s feelings. And I also don’t know if I am ready for a relationship, because it takes physical, mental, and emotional effort. I have been feeling well for the past two weeks, so I have to remind myself to go slowly. I am not running 100 m, but a marathon. If I use too much will power, I will get tired very quickly.

 

Swimming & Gym

So, my friend helped me swim correctly. I hadn’t realized how wrong my form was. I was doing a lot of unnecessary effort. I admit I got neurotic after he explained the theory to me. I am a very insecure learner. I think I will not “get it”.

But anyway, fortunately, I was able to let my neurosis go.

Today I weightlifted. I avoided one exercise, because I think it’s doing harm to my knee. The only part in my body that is aching is my shoulders.

Thing is, exercising should be pleasant. Otherwise, it's neurotic. 

 

Mattress

I called the mattress company I bought at, and they will likely give me back 70% of what I paid. I definitely learned my lesson. I need to take more time to test out products I will use for a long time.

 

Depression

Yesterday I was feeling lethargic. But it was different from depression. There was a clear cause for my tiredness yesterday. And the fatigue I feel when I am depressed has no clear cause.

Anyway, I spent most of yesterday and today laying in my bed. And my body got really stiff. I was already panicking about that, as if I was going to lose all the progress I made. But that’s just a fear of my ego. Yes, I do have to take care of my body and respect my limits. But I will not die if I have a little pain.

Speaking of pain, I took 3 painkillers today. I felt guilty for doing that. Hopefully I will not do this again.

 

Cellphone

I used my phone a lot these past 2 days, and I can see how unhealthy it can be. It is definitely not a substitute for real-life interactions. There’s a person I am interested in that I found on Tinder, who I want to meet in-person. I just hope I don’t take too long. But even if it doesn’t work out, I know there will be more opportunities.

 

 

Money

I spent too much money this last month. Fortunately, my mom rocks and she’ll help me pay. I got very happy that I will get some money with a translation.

 

Edited May 8, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Depression is getting very sneaky. I don’t see it coming so clearly. It disguises as irritation, sleepiness, wanting to be alone. But then, next thing I know, it is there again: Lack of vitality, me not being me anymore, a desperate longing to be free from it. And, counterintuitively, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Or take small steps, such as seeing a friend.

Having a psychiatrist who is very rigid makes things harder. When I am feeling well, dealing with him is doable. But when I’m feeling low, it’s too challenging.

I have felt low for the past 2 days. I hope tomorrow I will wake up more energized.

Romantic Feelings

To care or not to care. Letting go romantic desire is not something I can force myself to do. It’s a process. And it can be painful. Talking with good friends about it can help deal with this feeling better.

It's so twisted how I can get attached to a person I barely met. It's like a drug... I know I am just projecting an illusion, but having this logical understanding won't change the fact that I am thinking about a person way too much. Again, sharing how I am feeling to a friend can be very helpful to not get obsessed about someone. 

Work & Anxiety 

The translation I accepted to do is making me anxious sometimes, even though it's something I know I can do. I cancelled an appointment I had with the woman that asked me to do it. These emotional relapses are awful for my self-confident... 

Gym

Today I went to the gym, but my body was asking for rest. So instead of forcing myself to weightlift, I went back home. Exercising is great, but is not the ultimate answer. Heart-to-heart conversations are much more healing. 

The relapse I am feeling is much more subtle than it used to be, and apparently is easier to break free from it. "Oh... depression. Ok, I see how you operate. And I can let you go." Simple as that... 

 

Edited May 8, 2019 by kag101