My rage is fueled and my anxiety kicked in

[Nahm]

@Ampresus We all love you! You can do this!   

Express that anger on paper. Get to the source of the suffering - who is that really, who is the one who suffers, this one you keep attributing all this suffering to? I think you’ve had enough suffering, and are ready. I can’t be as sure as you though. We’re all here for ya man. Know that. And there’s like 13,000 of us. That’s how I see anyways, and it is good. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 3/28/2019 at 6:52 PM, Ampresus said:

Yes I do weightlift, one of my favourite practices.

Cool! Have you ever done any martial art?

 

On 3/28/2019 at 6:52 PM, Ampresus said:

Ever since I have heard about ''enlightenment'', ''awakening'' and ''Truth'' I have always wanted it. Of course at some point I know I have to drop the desire, but for now I can't. Imagine being enlightened in your 20s...

That's a dead-end... It's like a dog chasing its tail... 

 

On 3/28/2019 at 6:52 PM, Ampresus said:

If only you knew how much time I have wasted with my ''natural curiousity''. Wasted as in not getting out a single thing of it. Even when I looked up good practices, I never engaged in them.

I understand... Here's a quote I really like: "You can think your way into right thinking, but you can't think your way into right action."

 

[Ampresus]

On 31-3-2019 at 8:58 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

Cool! Have you ever done any martial art?

@Gabriel Antonio I used to do judo.

 

On 31-3-2019 at 8:58 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

That's a dead-end... It's like a dog chasing its tail... 

@Gabriel Antonio I am still gonna try. I think... I quit meditation, self-inquiry and concentration practice the last few days.

 

On 31-3-2019 at 8:58 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

I understand... Here's a quote I really like: "You can think your way into right thinking, but you can't think your way into right action."

@Gabriel Antonio Beautiful.

[Ampresus]

On 30-3-2019 at 2:13 PM, Nahm said:

We all love you! You can do this!   

Express that anger on paper. Get to the source of the suffering - who is that really, who is the one who suffers, this one you keep attributing all this suffering to? I think you’ve had enough suffering, and are ready. I can’t be as sure as you though. We’re all here for ya man. Know that. And there’s like 13,000 of us. That’s how I see anyways, and it is good. 

@Nahm Thanks man I appreciate it. Sorry if I sometimes came over as an ignorant person. I have lately been feeling really sick. I had my last test (biology) last Friday and I could barely concentrate. I decided to quit meditation & all the other practices I do for a few days. I might start today or tomorrow, but first: What else do you think I should put in this ''journal'' post I am about to make? As in: in general. Not just the post I am about to make. Should one put his feelings in his journal? His thoughts? Or just the process of... becoming self-actualized? Is that what I am doing here? I don't know.

[Nahm]

@Ampresus 

Thanks, no need to apologize. It’s just how the adventure begins. 

Take a week off. Give yourself a break. 

Ultimately what’s needed is to be aware of what is triggering you so you can understand what ‘being triggered’ really is, then and respond / create instead of reaction from impulse. Meditate & self inquire. If you get overwhelmed, write and or draw about how you’re feeling on a piece of paper. Write the story of it. See when it started, who’s involved, what were their roles. Were veiled in ignorance? What will they learn which will set them free? What can you forgive them for, what can they forgive you for? Is it true you can still see love for them? Is it true you can see they were driven by love?Then burn it. “Journaling” (my bad, sorry) is something different. This is so you know what to do when meditation and or self inquiry are overwhelming.

Observe thoughts, sensations, and perspectives - all the time. Observe, learn, understand, enjoy it. 

 

[Ampresus]

15 hours ago, TheGreekSeeker said:

Personally, I can relate to you because I too was one of the best students in junior high school and I pressured myself intensively. And then I cracked. Now, all my plans for healthy diet, working out, making new friends, following my dream career etc. must be stalled. I just need some time off of everything and everyone and take some leisure time on an island on summertime.

@TheGreekSeeker For me it is the woods man. Gosh I wish I could live alone in the Northwoods, but of course I can't just leave EU at my age and expect to be able to get a house there.

 

 

15 hours ago, TheGreekSeeker said:

Maybe try to make one change at a time because I too saw that whenever I tried all at once (healthy diet, studying harder, eliminating masturbation, working out) I would get a complete regression. Can you relate? ☺

@TheGreekSeeker Yes I can. The thing is: it used to go well. I already had a nice working out routine when I started my path here, I guess I just tried too many practices at once. I surely couldn't foresee it coming.

[Ampresus]

22 hours ago, TheGreekSeeker said:

Anything else that bothers you? 

@TheGreekSeeker Porn my man. It is killing me. Just when I am NOT thinking about it, I find a new pornstar that I ''have'' to look up (according to my thoughts). I found so many new good ones and found a site, where all the stuff you actually need to pay for, is free! Life can't get better right? Then why am I still not happy? Why am I suffering? All these orgasms are making my body die man. During one I have temporary no control of my body. The orgasm hits all the molecules in my body.

This porn is killing me. I tried cold showers, meditation, read ''Your Brain on Porn'' and work out. Still, almost everyday, your man is back at it. Jerking off to some woman I will never meet.

When I managed to quit for like a week, I started to be more extrovert. Talking to people and crowds was so easy. I couldn't care less of other people's thoughts.