My rage is fueled and my anxiety kicked in

[Ampresus]

Hello everyone.

This path, this forum has changed everything for me. I will start by thanking Leo and all of you who helped me out. I really couldn't have grown this much at my age without the help of you guys. Now that you have seen my good/grateful side, let me show you my feelings. In case you aren't interested in them, remember that you can always leave this page.

Why did I type that last sentence? Because I desire for freedom. Well, I think so. I am about to rant about how I hate my life in case you didn't foresee that. School seems like prison, I lost most of my motivation. I used to be this perfect student, but now I can clearly see that teachers who think they are above humans they call ''teens'' don't deserve any kind of superior treatment. All these teachers thinking they are somehow better than all the kids in my school, truly frustrating.

Oh about frustration. I have recently gotten this weird feeling where I really want to punch something. Hurt something. Put some force on something. When I lean with my head to a wall, I tend to force my head almost through it. With all the power I have. I am full of tension. All this stress for school, living the self-actualized way, following on advice like ''make sure to do the practices'', ''never stop learning'', ''always read'' and ''make sure you do the emotionally most difficult thing'' is getting to my head. I feel like bursting.

Whenever I try to meditate, I get lost in thoughts. When I think I am about to get in some high mystical state, I am probably falling asleep. You see, I always meditate in the night. Why you might ask? Because I either need to go to the gym or I have homework to do. I really hate this place people called ''the gym''. My normal work-out can take 2 hours + 15 min of stretching exercises. I come home the first day of the week at 09:00 PM. I really hate it. I don't want to listen to music during my work-out because it might just make my monkey-mind go more wild, but all I get is frustration. Irritation. When I get home I am tired, but of course a man has to meditate, read, self-inquire and do homework.

I also used to listen to a lot of audiobooks on the Podcast app for iOS, mostly to Leo, but it seems like all is just useless. I am not going to do any of the things he talks about anyways. I forget most of what he says in a matter of seconds. Even if I can recall what is needed to be done, I don't know how. Uncovering childhood vow? I still don't understand the first homework assignment. Doing systems-thinking? His video was basically a summary of ''buy my booklist so you can actually learn this stuff''. Little did dear old Leo know that we can only pay him with PayPal and well guess what I can't just delete 35 euros from my bank account without needing to tell the truth to my mom.

I haven't started doing contemplation or yoga. Don't have the motivation to think about one question for 2 hours or to do this thing called ''Kriya yoga''. I don't have all the time in the world and the free time I get after all of my current habits I tend to spend on ''stimulants'' as I call watching this Netflix serie, watching YT comedy video's, reading answers on Quora or still watching porn after having decided that I want to quit. I know it might be a waste of time, but I just can't find any joy without them. Whenever I eat or whenever I have some kind of free time, the first thing I do is grab my iPad/iPhone and waste my time on those stimulants. Or I just go to my computer and do all that stuff + unnecessary research on stupid subjects there.

At school I always eat alone during the breaks. All the lads I used to hang out with are making my frustration only grow. They talk about stupid internet jokes, recently bought a cake for our English teacher without sharing a piece with people who didn't fund it, always playing this nice person but actually gossiping a lot of times and just being more autistic than my brother. And that says a lot, considering that my brother has autism and mental retardation. I pushed myself away from them and now I have, again, no one but my own mind and my Netflix serie. In case you are wondering: the Netflix serie is called ''Once Upon a Time''. It is about all kinds of magical creatures becoming reality like Snow White, Peter Pan etc. The moment they brought up Arthur, Merlin and of course the almighty Excalibur, I felt those kid feelings coming back. Damn I missed them. I didn't understand this story of Prince Charming and those Dwarves, but damn. Arthur and I go way back. He was my buddy for Merlin's sake.

Why am I typing this? Because my frustration grows stronger every moment. I am losing. It feels like losing. I made a set of goals and my current goal is to become an astronaut. No one believes in me, so that gives me more reason to chase that dream. I will send a postcard to some of you in case I get to go into low Earth orbit. Many of my goals used to be like ''learning to program'',''researching things like history, science, charisma, love, philosophy and religion'' and ''get some balls''.

I hope I didn't scare any of you. In case you can help me with this frustration, please consider doing it. My anxiety is getting stronger.

 

[UNZARI]

so relatable it hurts

[Nahm]

20 hours ago, Ampresus said:

No one believes in me

I believe you. 

You’ve mastered zooming in. Doesn’t sound like you’re ever zooming out / deeply letting go / relaxing the mind & body. 

You have a lot on your plate, like everyone.

Everything you’ll ever accomplish - why do you want to do it? Happiness, and for the experience, right?

The big joke is, happiness & experience are here, now. 

So if you want, you can enjoy it. You only ever experience this one moment.  You won’t experience “all that stuff on your mind”. Just this moment. As that stuff is experienced, it’s just this one moment too. 

 

[Mu_]

Welcome to the world, young 14 year old.  Don't stress to much, honestly your normal and have frustrations like everyone.  Maybe you just need to give yourself a little more time for you and something your less frustrated with doing such as meditating or contemplating a question for 2 hours.  Its great that your interested in developing, but what are you developing towards and why?  What is it about life and you that you feel you need to develop within it?  Are you trying to solve a problem in the world, or a problem you think you have?

Sometimes people on a "spiritual" path tie them selfs in knots and cause their own suffering thinking they are fixing something that doesn't need to be fixed, or repenting for something they believe is inherently wrong to begin with.  Maybe I can help you help yourself.

Edited March 25, 2019 by Mu_

[Nahm]

@Ampresus

Meditation can really help see the reactional thinking & actions. Instead of in hindsight, you become aware of it as it is happening. Being willing to be aware of it brings it in instead of holding it as separate. Then it’s understood, known by you now (was you already anyways)   What is readily seen in hindsight, slowly but surely becomes awareness of reactions as they happen, and ultimately there is acceptance and peace. 

Your op is kind of saying, “I’m definitly suffering big time...yet I am at a loss for motivation to do any of the work”. 

“In case you can help me with this frustration, please consider doing it. My anxiety is getting stronger.”

Journal how you feel. Write it down. 

[Forestluv]

@Ampresus You are fine how you are. When I grew up, I was never allowed to express anger and frustration. I had to do things just right and be a certain way for my parents and teachers. I kept it all bottled up. I was taught to repress and avoid anger and frustration. And it’s not good.

Genuine expression of anger and frustration can be healthy, it can be beautiful. It can help us form boundaries. It can show us we are not being true to ourselves. Perhaps your mind body is telling you it doesn’t like the current pattern of your daily activities. Anger and frustration can be a powerful force for change. And perhaps your mind-body is saying it really does want to be an astronaut and it doesn’t like people getting in its way and saying you can’t be an astraunaut. Anger and frustration can be an expression of passion for something.

[Ampresus]

On 24-3-2019 at 8:33 PM, Nahm said:

I believe you. 

You’ve mastered zooming in. Doesn’t sound like you’re ever zooming out / deeply letting go / relaxing the mind & body. 

You have a lot on your plate, like everyone.

@Nahm That is the problem. I get frustrated during deeply letting go / zooming out / relaxing the body. Trying to do that makes me wander off in thought-land and when I realize that I am overthinking, I get frustrated. I get all this tension. Angry with myself for not focussing on what's important and instead think about possible future situations/ past experiences.

 

 

On 24-3-2019 at 8:33 PM, Nahm said:

The big joke is, happiness & experience are here, now. 

So if you want, you can enjoy it. You only ever experience this one moment.  You won’t experience “all that stuff on your mind”. Just this moment. As that stuff is experienced, it’s just this one moment too. 

@Nahm I already know this. You learn a lot these days from a book as small as ''The Power of Now''. Still, being present only lasts for 5 seconds at best. I overthink, realize I overthink, get frustrated and want to hit a wall.

[Ampresus]

On 25-3-2019 at 1:57 AM, Mu_ said:

Welcome to the world, young 14 year old.  Don't stress to much, honestly your normal and have frustrations like everyone.  Maybe you just need to give yourself a little more time for you and something your less frustrated with doing such as meditating or contemplating a question for 2 hours.

@Mu_ Can't really contemplate when my day is so full that I can't help but sleep everyday on 11 AM if I want to have some kind of good sleep. It is meditation that has bugging me lately. Well, me during meditation. Whenever I overthink (and realize that I am overthinking) I get frustrated. Imagine how many times I overthink.

 

On 25-3-2019 at 1:57 AM, Mu_ said:

Its great that your interested in developing, but what are you developing towards and why?  What is it about life and you that you feel you need to develop within it?  Are you trying to solve a problem in the world, or a problem you think you have?

@Mu_ I want to be healthy and happy when I am older. I want to be at peace. I want to be free. Away from tension and stress. All this work, both personal development and day-to-day school makes my head burn. I want to rest in some place in the woods far away. Away from people. I want to be free and live life as if nothing depends on anything. As if I am.
Far in the woods might not be the smartest thing to do, maybe someday. For now I want to have this feeling of peace and freedom in low Earth orbit. Where there are the least amount of humans.

 

On 25-3-2019 at 1:57 AM, Mu_ said:

Sometimes people on a "spiritual" path tie them selfs in knots and cause their own suffering thinking they are fixing something that doesn't need to be fixed, or repenting for something they believe is inherently wrong to begin with.  Maybe I can help you help yourself.

@Mu_ You might have a point there mate...

[Ampresus]

On 26-3-2019 at 3:00 AM, Nahm said:

Your op is kind of saying, “I’m definitly suffering big time...yet I am at a loss for motivation to do any of the work”. 

@Nahm It is not the practices that hurt, it is the engagement of me in the practices that hurts. I have seen countless of practices in the books I have read, yet none of them seems to appeal to me. I have heard of a dozend of practices from Leo, yet none of the seems to appeal to me. I mean for starters:
- I don't really have much time to contemplate
- If I manage to figure out what Kriya yoga is, I take it that it would take more time than self-inquiry
- Trying to just observe can get really hard
 

On 26-3-2019 at 3:00 AM, Nahm said:

Journal how you feel. Write it down.

@Nahm Tried that, but I always forget to journal. I haven't touched my journal on this forum for I think 3 weeks now. I don't like putting my thoughts on a screen.

[Ampresus]

On 26-3-2019 at 4:04 AM, Serotoninluv said:

You are fine how you are. When I grew up, I was never allowed to express anger and frustration. I had to do things just right and be a certain way for my parents and teachers. I kept it all bottled up. I was taught to repress and avoid anger and frustration. And it’s not good.

Genuine expression of anger and frustration can be healthy, it can be beautiful. It can help us form boundaries. It can show us we are not being true to ourselves. Perhaps your mind body is telling you it doesn’t like the current pattern of your daily activities. Anger and frustration can be a powerful force for change. And perhaps your mind-body is saying it really does want to be an astronaut and it doesn’t like people getting in its way and saying you can’t be an astraunaut. Anger and frustration can be an expression of passion for something.

@Serotoninluv This is what prof. Clare W. Graves talked about I think. He talked about the principles of change, how it occurs and how one can influence the process. I am currently reading the Spiral Dynamics book and in that book the authors used this model for change. From your understanding, I am stuck in ''gamma''. In gamma, people (or an individual in my case) is frustrated and angry. This happens to be the most dangerous place for change, because I can also just turn right back at where I started (stepping one step forward, stepping two steps backwards). My only question is: how should I express my frustration and anger? By hitting random people or walls? I don't care what parents or teachers think of my behaviour. After I realized the indoctrination that society puts into children, I started caring less and less about that. I will be myself and no one can stop me from that.

[tsuki]

On 23.03.2019 at 11:54 PM, Ampresus said:

I hope I didn't scare any of you. In case you can help me with this frustration, please consider doing it. My anxiety is getting stronger.

@Ampresus Your original post sounds like you are outgrowing your current lifestyle, but you see no alternatives to it.
On top of that, you are comparing yourself to people twice or thrice your age and forming unreasonable expectations.
These conditions are perfect to create a spiral of rage and anxiety in my experience.

If it looks like everybody around you is doing all the wrong things, then it means that you are trying to outpace yourself. You can't.
Personal development should be practiced in your everyday life. If you can't see how to apply, lets say, shadow work or contemplation to cooking, or pickup, then it means that it is not the time to do them. It is great that you know these advanced teachings because you can always return to them later when they solve problems you encounter in life. For now, I'd suggest sticking to things that are directly applicable to avoid creating artificial life centered around things of no apparent utility.

Leo has a tendency to teach spirituality in a hardcore way, but you need to understand that he is on the path himself. 
This is his description of what it should be like and personally, I think that it says more about him than about practices.
He is a very passionate personal development teacher and unless you want to follow his footsteps and become one, don't take everything he says on the face value.

Edited March 28, 2019 by tsuki

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Ampresus said:

It is not the practices that hurt, it is the engagement of me in the practices that hurts.

Same thing, but...write with pen & paper, about that hurt. 

I have seen countless of practices in the books I have read, yet none of them seems to appeal to me. “ I overthink, realize I overthink, get frustrated and want to hit a wall.”

There’s no wall, this is where you’re neglecting to write down these feelings, on paper. It can’t hurt you, try it & ‘cry it’.

I have heard of a dozend of practices from Leo, yet none of the seems to appeal to me. I mean for starters:
- I don't really have much time to contemplate

Write out a quick chart on paper, write how you spend your time down in blocks. 

- If I manage to figure out what Kriya yoga is, I take it that it would take more time than self-inquiry

Ok? You got somewhere to be? Somewhere else which the happiness you seek is?

- Trying to just observe can get really hard

Observing is effortless, avoiding the inspection & understanding of one’s emotions is a very hard way to go through life.
 

@Nahm Tried that, but I always forget to journal. I haven't touched my journal on this forum for I think 3 weeks now. I don't like putting my thoughts on a screen.

Pen & paper; hand creates, eyes observe, mind understands. Not screen.

“My anxiety is getting stronger.” = “It’s getting harder and harder to keep avoiding”.

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Ampresus said:

Tried that, but I always forget to journal. I haven't touched my journal on this forum for I think 3 weeks now. I don't like putting my thoughts on a screen.

You are suffering - then saying you ‘forget to journal’. 

If you are hungry, you eat - there is no problem. You do not say you “forget” to eat, and then ask people why you are hungry. 

 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Ampresus said:

I already know this. You learn a lot these days from a book as small as ''The Power of Now''. Still, being present only lasts for 5 seconds at best. I overthink, realize I overthink, get frustrated and want to hit a wall.

Is there any worth in “learning” from books, while you’re avoiding sensations which are fueling overthinking?

The book is icing on the cake. For fun. 

What is needed to be understood will not be found in a book.

The book serves to inspire you, motivate you, maybe convince you even - to accept yourself, to “learn” about yourself. Nothing is hidden, no book is needed. 

[Gabriel Antonio]

That was a great read! 

I'm 22, and I have been on the self-actualization path since I was 12 lol, so I feel I can share valuable stuff to you. 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

Because I desire for freedom. Well, I think so. I am about to rant about how I hate my life in case you didn't foresee that. School seems like prison, I lost most of my motivation. I used to be this perfect student, but now I can clearly see that teachers who think they are above humans they call ''teens'' don't deserve any kind of superior treatment. All these teachers thinking they are somehow better than all the kids in my school, truly frustrating.

I agree. I used to hate school. It's all very mechanical, and sitting down for many hours a day is not healthy.

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

Oh about frustration. I have recently gotten this weird feeling where I really want to punch something. Hurt something. Put some force on something. When I lean with my head to a wall, I tend to force my head almost through it. With all the power I have. I am full of tension.

Damn. That's tough, man. You mentioned you go to the gym. Do you weightlift? That could be a good outlet for your rage. 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

When I think I am about to get in some high mystical state, I am probably falling asleep.

Haha. You see, if you have a very full schedule, meditation won't be effective. And in my opinion, meditation is overrated. There are other things you can master before trying to become a young western Zen master... Trust me, you can leave meditation (and especially self-enquiry) for later in your life. No need to rush with that. 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

I don't want to listen to music during my work-out because it might just make my monkey-mind go more wild, but all I get is frustration. Irritation.

Maybe you should do another type of work-out. Something that brings more pleasure, instead of being a chore. And, dude, don't be so rigid with yourself. Listen to whatever you want... The more you fight the monkey-mind, the louder it gets. 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

Doing systems-thinking? His video was basically a summary of ''buy my booklist so you can actually learn this stuff'

Hahaha... dude, I didn't understand that video... Leo lost me when he started doing psychedelics... 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

Don't have the motivation to think about one question for 2 hours or to do this thing called ''Kriya yoga''

Haha... Dude, if you can find a good yoga class, it can be quite amazing... It's not the typical western work-out. It makes you go into a meditative and calm state. But, again, if you're super-tired, it won't do you much. 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

I don't have all the time in the world and the free time I get after all of my current habits I tend to spend on ''stimulants'' as I call watching this Netflix serie, watching YT comedy video's, reading answers on Quora or still watching porn after having decided that I want to quit.

Again, don't be hard on yourself. Young people these days have very stressful routines, so if you spend your free time doing "low-consciouness" stuff, it's okay... You're a human being, after all... 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

Or I just go to my computer and do all that stuff + unnecessary research on stupid subjects there.

Don't label your natural curiosity as "unnecessary" and "stupid". 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

At school I always eat alone during the breaks. All the lads I used to hang out with are making my frustration only grow. They talk about stupid internet jokes, recently bought a cake for our English teacher without sharing a piece with people who didn't fund it, always playing this nice person but actually gossiping a lot of times and just being more autistic than my brother.

I understand how some subjects might be very uninteresting and childish... I suggest you get the book "Quiet - How Introverts Can Transform a World That Can Stop Talking" 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

I felt those kid feelings coming back. Damn I missed them.

Good old nostalgia... 

 

On 23/03/2019 at 7:54 PM, Ampresus said:

my current goal is to become an astronaut. No one believes in me, so that gives me more reason to chase that dream. I will send a postcard to some of you in case I get to go into low Earth orbit. Many of my goals used to be like ''learning to program'',''researching things like history, science, charisma, love, philosophy and religion'' and ''get some balls''.

It's fine to have goals, but don't cling too much to them. I also think goals are overrated. 

 

Best of luck! You are a very good writer. You should write a public journal on this forum... 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[Ampresus]

10 hours ago, Nahm said:

It’s getting harder and harder to keep avoiding

@Nahm How exactly am I avoiding it?


 

10 hours ago, Nahm said:

You are suffering - then saying you ‘forget to journal’. 

If you are hungry, you eat - there is no problem. You do not say you “forget” to eat, and then ask people why you are hungry. 

@Nahm Yes because journalling to stop suffering is as important as eating to stop being hungry, sure..

I don't like journalling because my hand always hurts after a long ''writing'' session. It can hurt really bad sometimes. I am more comfortable with a keyboard. After all, typing goes much faster than writing.

[Ampresus]

10 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Do you weightlift? That could be a good outlet for your rage. 

@Gabriel Antonio Yes I do weightlift, one of my favourite practices.

 

10 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Trust me, you can leave meditation (and especially self-enquiry) for later in your life. No need to rush with that. 

@Gabriel Antonio Ever since I have heard about ''enlightenment'', ''awakening'' and ''Truth'' I have always wanted it. Of course at some point I know I have to drop the desire, but for now I can't. Imagine being enlightened in your 20s...

 

10 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Don't label your natural curiosity as "unnecessary" and "stupid". 

@Gabriel Antonio If only you knew how much time I have wasted with my ''natural curiousity''. Wasted as in not getting out a single thing of it. Even when I looked up good practices, I never engaged in them.

 

10 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

You should write a public journal on this forum... 

@Gabriel Antonio I suck at it, but here you go.

 

[Nahm]

24 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

@Nahm How exactly am I avoiding it? By creating a self in thought which is separate from the sensations, and experiencing via that “separate self”.


 

@Nahm Yes because journalling to stop suffering is as important as eating to stop being hungry, sure..

I don't like journalling because my hand always hurts after a long ''writing'' session. It can hurt really bad sometimes. I am more comfortable with a keyboard. After all, typing goes much faster than writing.

Suit yourself man, no worries. It was just a suggestion of course. I hope you find what heals you most efficiently and effectively.  

 

[Forestluv]

14 hours ago, Ampresus said:

@Serotoninluv My only question is: how should I express my frustration and anger? 

I agree that it can be expressed/released in healthy ways and unhealthy ways.

To be honest with you, I don't think I am the best qualified in this situation. My internal anger dynamic was very different than yours.

What I can say is that I love you regardless of whether or not you are angry 

[Ampresus]

16 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

What I can say is that I love you regardless of whether or not you are angry 

@Serotoninluv That is sweet man. I love you too. That made me smile, thank you man.